Dear Anonymous,
First, I want to offer some solidarity in what you’re going through. Sometimes, especially in the Catholic-sphere, NFP is portrayed as some magical panacea with only brief windows of abstinence. Perhaps there are some lucky couples out there who have only had easy-breezy cycles and brief windows of abstinence — but if they exist, I’ve certainly never met them.
My husband and I very quickly jumped into what I call “the deep end” of NFP. After a year of charting beautiful, perfect 28-day cycles with clear fertile windows, we were confident that the time we had put into learning NFP while engaged would make the transition to marriage so much easier.
Oh, how unprepared we were. The month we got married, my cycles went haywire. First, our wedding night was no longer a “green” day (I cried when I did the math), and then each subsequent cycle only became more confusing. Our first six to 12 months of marriage were spent with endless fertile days interspersed with the occasional week when intimacy was possible. We saw posts about NFP online touting the “Only seven days of abstinence a month!” claims and roll our eyes — we had seven days of intimacy every other month, if we were lucky. Sex, as you share in your post, became a “rare exception” for us for weeks and months at a time.
I can share the few things that have helped us weather long periods of abstinence; you may be doing most of these things already.
1. Make an “Exit” Plan
We had discerned the need to postpone pregnancy for the first two years of marriage as my husband finished a graduate degree and I worked as the primary breadwinner. It was discouraging to see the months stretch out ahead of us when we were stuck in a pattern of strictly “trying to avoid.” Especially as my cycles became more frustrating, I found myself overwhelmed at the idea of doing this for another two full years.
I ended up making a calendar of the next 20 months and sat down with my husband to plan out which months we needed to “strictly” avoid pregnancy and which months we may be able to lean more toward “trying to whatever.” For example, it seemed important that I not go into labor during his dissertation defense, so we were strict in our practice of NFP about nine months before that date. However, we could make things work if a child came along the summer after his graduation (although it wouldn’t be ideal), so we agreed to be less exacting in our charting that month.
Doing this let me breathe a sigh of relief that frequent abstinence wouldn’t last forever. It was just a season in our long lives together and would eventually come to an end.
Frequent abstinence wouldn’t last forever. It was just a season in our long lives together and would eventually come to an end.
I’m not sure what your “exit plan” might look like. Maybe it’s calendar-based, as ours was, with a clear timeline of when you can switch to trying to conceive. Perhaps your plan is more goals-based, with a list of concrete obstacles you need to clear out of the way. Either way, I recommend writing it down somewhere so you can check it often and remember that this season of avoiding pregnancy isn’t forever.
2. Treat Yo’ Self
When I’m trying to get myself out the door for a run, I have a special podcast or audiobook that I’m only “allowed” to listen to while running. It doesn’t completely remove the fact that running is awful, but it does make it bearable, because I get to listen to the next episode of Armchair Expert or find out what happens next in The Name of the Wind.
My husband and I have adopted a similar strategy for long stretches of abstinence: We pick something special or new to treat ourselves to and only allow ourselves to enjoy it during Phase 2. We might choose a new book to read out loud to each other, buy a new video game to play, or choose a new kind of cuisine to perfect.
Of course, no book or treat will come close to comparing with sex with your spouse. However, it gives us something to do while we wait and a way to connect when we can’t be together physically.
Of course, no book or treat will come close to comparing with sex with your spouse. However, it gives us something to do while we wait and a way to connect when we can’t be together physically.
3. Find Your Village
I am unspeakably lucky to know women who are in the same stage of life as I am and with whom I can talk openly and honestly about practicing NFP in our marriages. They are my lifeline and a constant reminder that we are not the only couple bearing difficult crosses.
You mention feeling abandoned by the Church and NFP world; do you have other couples you can lean on for support? If not, I encourage you to start those conversations with other wives at your parish. We have a married couples’ group that has been life-giving to us as we navigate the realities of marriage. If your church doesn’t have such a group, consider starting one! I think you would be surprised to find how many other couples also struggle with NFP (although perhaps not to the degree that you and your husband are) but who don’t know how to talk about it.
I think you would be surprised to find how many other couples also struggle with NFP but who don’t know how to talk about it.
There are also Facebook groups for all sorts of NFP situations; some groups are more helpful than others, so your mileage may vary, but they can be a good starting point for finding like-minded Catholics.
4. Get Physical
I agree that lots of physical affection can be too much to handle when you have weeks of abstinence ahead of you, but I’ve found it essential to continue being flirty and affectionate even when we can’t have sex.
Of course, only you and your husband know where you need to draw the line in order for things to not get carried away. Abstaining is so much harder when it feels like you’re just roommates, existing in the same home without any of the romance and intimacy that are vital in a marriage.
Abstaining is so much harder when it feels like you’re just roommates, existing in the same home without any of the romance and intimacy that are vital in a marriage.
So, we make eyes at each other like the cheesiest of lovebirds and let ourselves get a little carried away on occasion (without violating Church teaching, of course). We steal passionate kisses that leave us breathless and cursing our luck that we can’t go further. We make out like teenagers until one of us has to leave the room to take a cold shower. And we laugh a lot at the absurdity of being so in love and so very sexually frustrated.
5. Embrace the Cross
Finally: There’s no getting around the fact that this is a cross, plain and simple. There are things you can do to make it seem a bit more bearable, but at the end of the day, the need to abstain for long periods at a time is sacrificial. It is an encounter with suffering.
I don’t say that to discourage you but, rather, to affirm that your struggles are real. And, unfortunately, your lament at a lack of resources is partly because there is not much to be done about this kind of suffering except to just bear it. It’s not dramatically different from suffering the loss of a loved one, the decline of old age, or the suffocating fears of a global pandemic: There are no easy fixes or quick cures.
Unfortunately, your lament at a lack of resources is partly because there is not much to be done about this kind of suffering except to just bear it.
Allow yourself to be sad and angry. Shake your fist at the heavens, if you need to. It’s OK to find this season challenging.
This author would like to remain anonymous.
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