Before entering into a relationship with my now-fiancé, we discussed the religious and personal beliefs that are most important us.

I asked him about his opinions on various Catholic teachings including abortion, sex, and pornography. While he already knew that I am adamantly opposed to porn, I wanted to be entirely clear about what I believed and how it pertained to our relationship.

My vehement objection to pornography is rooted in the facts that porn warps society’s ideas about sex, fuels the demand for sex trafficking, promotes physical and sexual violence towards women, and destroys intimacy between partners. Additionally our Catholic Faith teaches that porn separates sexual activity from its intended purpose as an expression of the love and commitment between husband and wife.

On a more personal note, I believe that intimacy is a fundamental pillar of any romantic relationship. Therefore, it is vital that my significant other and I discuss all matters related to our ability to share in this intimacy. Engaging in an honest conversation about porn was a necessary part of ensuring that our beliefs about sexuality aligned. I am so grateful that my partner and I share the same opinions on porn, as this assisted us in establishing a sense of trust and confidence in one another.

Speaking with other women, I realized that few addressed the topic of porn with their significant others. They either did not consider it a priority or they assumed that their boyfriend shared their views because they held other religious beliefs in common.

If they did discuss porn, the extent of the conversation often boiled down to, “Porn is bad.” While true, this phrase does not fully encapsulate the destructive power of pornography use. A conversation about porn is essential in any romantic relationship, as this discussion could aid in avoiding heartbreak or feelings of inadequacy and betrayal.

Understandably, some find the thought of discussing pornography to be intimidating, or they find themselves unsure of how to approach it. A woman once told me, “I want to talk about it. I just don’t know how or what I should ask!” In the hope of helping women who share this feeling, below are some questions that I recommend every woman discuss with her significant other. If this conversation does not go as you hoped, know that there are resources to help you both.

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What are your beliefs about porn?

It is dangerous to assume that we know what our partner believes about pornography and that we agree. Unless we explicitly discuss the matter, we should not claim full knowledge of another’s views on such a controversial topic.

Specifically, what does your partner think about viewing porn together outside or inside of marriage? Does he consider it is permissible to use porn and masturbation as an outlet to refrain from engaging in premarital sex? Is pornography acceptable in a long distance relationship or if a couple cannot see each other for an extended period of time?

I recommend asking these questions, even if they seem unnecessary. Each person in a relationship should have the opportunity to voice what he/she believes for him/herself.

Why do you believe what you do about porn?

This conversation should go beyond just stating beliefs. What knowledge are your and his perceptions of porn rooted in? Often, I find that Christians are raised to believe that porn is wrong, but they cannot fully explain their beliefs and therefore become conflicted when (not if) they encounter the subject in the real world. Unless we fully understand our beliefs and ground them in reason and moral truths, they will not withstand the tests of time and temptation.

What do you consider to be porn?

Is erotica porn? Are sexually exciting video games permissible? Is it acceptable to watch sexually graphic movies or TV shows? Are you okay with viewing naked people in any type of entertainment? What do you consider to be nudity?

On more than one occasion, I heard a woman express her frustration that her significant other watched a film or TV show that included sexual nudity. Most often, the man in this situation was not aware that what he viewed would hurt his girlfriend. We can avoid such misunderstandings by discussing our beliefs about sexual content (and what that means) early on.

When we first started dating, I told my fiancé that, if we were not going to see each other naked, we certainly did not need to see other people naked. This conversation reassured me that we could avoid miscommunication on such a serious and emotionally-charged issue.

Do you have any experience with porn?

Significant others normally discuss past relationships and/or sexual encounters. Similarly, it is imperative to have a conversation about any past or present involvement with porn; this can prevent a sense of betrayal or dishonesty if previous porn use is discovered later on in the relationship.

You should know whether your significant other has used porn, and to what extent, since this can indicate whether pornography may be a strong temptation now or in the future. Additionally, the answer to this question could mean that conversations about porn need to be more regular and in-depth in order to protect and strengthen your relationship.

Let us not forget that women can also have a history of porn use; this is not an exclusively male issue. It is equally important for women to be forthcoming about their own experience with porn.

Do you consider porn to be cheating?

The answer to this question might surprise both of you. In my experience, most young people who believe that porn is wrong often think that it is solely self-destructive. They do not usually consider porn use to constitute infidelity or to harm one’s significant other.

In order to understand porn’s impact on a relationship, its consequences must be discussed thoroughly. During the conversation with my fiancé, I told him that I consider porn use to be equally wrong as intimate contact with another woman. Due to this, I told him that I would leave the relationship if he used porn. Absolute faithfulness was the bare minimum that I would expect.

Your beliefs regarding what merits leaving a relationship are up to you; regardless of our personal beliefs, we must be clear with our significant other about what constitutes infidelity, both in general and specifically regarding pornography.  

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I remain deeply grateful that my fiancé and I discussed pornography when we first started dating. That conversation introduced a difficult topic that then remained accessible throughout our relationship. It deepened our trust in one another and put uncertainties to rest. Talking with your boyfriend about pornography may not be something that you look forward to, but I assure you that it is worth it.

If you have not discussed porn with your significant other, and even if you worry that it is too late (or too early), be not afraid. It is a difficult and uncomfortable conversation, but you have the strength to do it.