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Few phrases bring more consternation within Catholic circles than “marital debt.” If you’ve heard this phrase, it’s likely from someone on the Internet claiming that a wife is required to provide on-demand sex to her husband on pain of mortal sin, regardless of her desires or feelings. This person may even quote Scripture while making this claim. Before going any further, it is important to state unequivocally that what I just described is not a teaching of the Catholic Church, and is in fact sexual coercion.

Pope Paul Paul VI asserts this definitively in Humanae Vitae when he writes:

"Men rightly observe that a conjugal act imposed on one's partner without regard to his or her condition or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the moral order in its particular application to the intimate relationship of husband and wife." (13)

I hope that this is all you need to hear to put you at ease. But for a more in-depth and nuanced discussion of the so-called “marital debt,” please read on.

Where the Term “Marital Debt” Came From

While the term “marital debt” does not appear anywhere in the Catholic Catechism, it does make an important appearance in the Summa Theologica. St. Thomas Aquinas devotes an entire section to the concept of marital debt, taking a maximalist stance that it is a sin to reject sexual advances from your spouse in almost every circumstance. He states:

"As the slave is in the power of his master, so is one spouse in the power of the other (1 Corinthians 7:4). But a slave is bound by an obligation of precept to pay his master the debt of his service according to Romans 13:7, 'Render . . . to all men their dues, tribute to whom tribute is due,' etc. Therefore husband and wife are mutually bound to the payment of the marriage debt." (“Of the Things Annexed to Marriage, and First of the Payment of the Marriage Debt.” ST Suppl. IIIae, Q. 64, A.1.)

We need to remember that the Summa Theologica is not an infallible text, nor is it Scripture. As Catholics, we do not base any moral teaching on a single text, but rather apply prudence and reason to the totality of Tradition and Scripture. (For more discussion of this, see the First Vatican Council’s Dogmatic Constitution on the Catholic Faith, chapter 2, article 9, speaking of the “unanimous consent of the fathers” rather than any individual opinion.)

Since the days of St. Thomas Aquinas, numerous theological writings of high authority have provided clarity and context on marital debt.

So-Called Marital Debt in St. Paul’s Letter to the Corinthians

Before diving into these writings, let’s turn to Scripture. Proponents of a hard-line stance on marital debt often cite St. Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians, so it’s worthwhile to start there:

"The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control." (1 Cor 7:3-5)

Everything St. Paul has written here is unequivocally true. In marriage, husband and wife become "one flesh" (Mt 19:6). As a living symbol of the union of Christ and His Church, we give ourselves body and soul to our spouses. In his letter to the Ephesians, St. Paul exhorts wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to “love their wives even as Christ loved the Church” (Eph 5:25). Taken in conjunction with these commands, it would be strange indeed for spouses to treat each other as depositories in which to discharge their sexual urges. (Notably, 1 Cor 7:3 is sometimes translated as “the husband should render his debt to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband,” but I chose to reproduce the translation preferred by the USCCB. Nevertheless, the same interpretation stands.)

At the same time, it is clear that spouses must not deprive each other of sexual joy. Nothing in St. Paul’s text implies that, by sexual deprivation, he is referring to a single night or a handful of nights. Common sense holds that no man or woman will be driven to immorality because their spouse requested that sex be rescheduled for the weekend or a later date. On the contrary, both spouses might choose to do just that for their spiritual betterment.

The True Marital Debt

If St. Paul’s teaching remains unclear, we have recourse to the Catholic Church’s teaching authority for context and analysis. The best articulation of the Church’s true stance on marital debt can be found in a beautiful passage from Pope St. John Paul II’s Familiaris Consortio:

"Consequently, sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is by no means something purely biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and a woman commit themselves totally to one another until death. The total physical self-giving would be a lie if it were not the sign and fruit of a total personal self-giving, in which the whole person, including the temporal dimension, is present: if the person were to withhold something or reserve the possibility of deciding otherwise in the future, by this very fact he or she would not be giving totally." (11)

In summary, the true marital debt is the command to give yourself to your spouse totally and wholly, physically and spiritually, exclusively, and for life. This is a mutual self-giving, done out of pure, life-giving love. It has nothing to do with coercion, fear, unbridled lust, or threats of infidelity.

God, and by extension the Church, desires us to have marriages that are spiritually, emotionally, and sexually fruitful to honor and glorify Him. He desires us to experience pleasure and joy in our sex lives for as long as we are physically able, ideally our entire lives. This has nothing to do with a crass demand to sexually service your spouse on a specific night simply because they are in the mood, or with a specific cadence, even if they are audacious enough to quote St. Paul while demanding it.

The Importance of Sexual Joy in Marriage

The Catechism uses language almost identical to that of Pope St. John Paul II to describe marital obligations. It also goes on to stress the importance of pleasure within a marriage:

"The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude. Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure…" (2362)

If sexual intimacy is meant to be a place of joy and pleasure, our physical state plays an important role. Those who dismiss the complaint of a woman who is “too tired” for sex fail to comprehend that the female body is unlikely to experience sexual pleasure in a state of exhaustion. If a woman is in such a state, the couple should reasonably and mutually agree to delay sex. However, if a woman is constantly too exhausted for sex, the couple owes it to each other to address this issue: Why are her levels of exhaustion so deep? What can be done to support her well? How can we return to each other in love as a married couple?

Even further, how many Catholics talk about sex often fails to reflect women's real experiences. Couples need to explore the deeper issues that could be at play in their intimate life, including sex being uncomfortable for her, a lack of intimacy due to her struggles with masturbation, or her fears of becoming pregnant before she feels fully capable to carry another child.

We know from human experience that sexless marriages are painful. A marriage without sexual love, without the physical recreation of the mystery of God’s union with the Church, is a true cross. St. Paul understood this and so did St. Thomas Aquinas. Later popes expanded on the subject to provide clarity. When fallow periods arise in our marriages, we must turn back to our spouse in love and curiosity. Christ never abandons the Church, and we should never abandon our spouses. That is the debt we owe to love.

Want to Learn More?

Take a deeper dive with our virtual courses on sex and relationships, where experts who share your values teach you the art of communicating your sexual needs and boundaries, help you identify your sexual scripts, and debunk common myths about female pleasure in Catholic culture.

Sex

Marriage

Church teaching

relationships

Sexual Assault

Catholic #MeToo and Sexual Assault Resources

https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline

Samantha Povlock

‍“Then too, when we look at one of the most sensitive aspects of the situation of women in the world, how can we not mention the long and degrading history, albeit often an "underground" history, of violence against women in the area of sexuality? At the threshold of the Third Millennium we cannot remain indifferent and resigned before this phenomenon. The time has come to condemn vigorously the types of sexual violence which frequently have women for their object and to pass laws which effectively defend them from such violence.” - St. Pope John Paul II, 1995 ‍

This week, a pivotal case in the #metoo movement was reversed, reigniting important discussion about sexual assault (ironically, during Sexual Assault Awareness Month). A top court in NY overturned the conviction of Hollywood Producer Harvey Weinstein, saying that some of the evidence brought forth shouldn't have been included based on current evidence protocol. The Daily podcast from the NYT did a good overview in this podcast episode, and raised questions about what happens to women in today’s culture. It reminded me of Pope John Paul’s call for us to “condemn vigorously” this type of violence against women, and to “pass laws which effectively defend” women.

1 in 5 women in the United States have experienced attempted or completed rape, and Catholic women are not immune from this reality.

The impact of sexual assault on Catholic women is exemplified in women’s complicated reactions to celebrity Shia LaBeouf’s public conversion to Catholicism.

Messaging around sexual assault happens subtly - not just when it is being talked about rape specifically, but also when we talk about sex and chasity in general. For example, how many chastity talks have failed to clarify that women who have experienced assault are still considered virgins?

Even further, some Catholic women still receive harmful messages that saints who experienced assault, like Maria Goretti, are holy because they fought off their attacker, when that is not why she was canonized. It is critical and foundational that Catholic leaders share the truth, which is that it is totally expected and ok if women react to sexual assault differently than St. Maria Goretti.

Other things Catholic Leaders need to know about sexual assault:

📌Assault often happens as a teenager and affects later dating experiences
📌Over half of sexual assault happens in an intimate relationship, and women need to know how to identify sexual coercion in a relationship
📌Secular advice focuses on consent, but consent is not the end of the conversation
📌Traumatic sexual, even medical, experiences affect women well into marriage
📌Some women suffer silently for years in loving marriages without good resources
📌USCCB guidance on assault allows the use of drugs that could include Plan B in some cases.
📌Pope John Paul II modeled how men can support women in these and other important conversations
📌In general, the way Catholics talk about sex and our bodies doesn’t always reflect women’s experiences

FemCatholic Resources Are Available in Our Virtual Course Library

Sex and relationships is an area where women (and men) desperately need healing. FemCatholic is continuing to build out our hub of virtual courses featuring Catholic experts on sex and relationships, here: femcatholic.com/courses

Other Resources for Catholics on Sexual Assault

Catholic Books

My Peace I Give You by Dawn Eden

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Catholic Ministries

Awake (formerly Awake Milwaukee)

A community of abuse survivors, concerned Catholics, and allies responding to the wounds of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church.

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The Geode Project

A healing ministry for women based in the Archdiocese of Indianapolis.

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Films

The Hunting Ground

A documentary about the prevalence of sexual assault on college campuses, including Catholic campuses like Notre Dame.

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Seeing Allred

A secular documentary that sheds light on the challenges survivors of assault encounter seeking justice.

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National Hotline

A number to call if you or someone you know has experienced assault.

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Share Anonymously with us about Sexual Assault Resources for Catholic

FemCatholic exists to be the voice for Catholic women, and this conversation is far from over. If you have anonymous experiences or comments to share with us on this topic, please fill out the form here:

https://forms.gle/PLqz59GKJLtNTm449

Sexual Assault

Sex

Church teaching

Dating

Marriage

How Childhood Wounds Can Affect Your Dating Life – and How to Heal

Brya Hanan

When we were little girls, we dreamt. We dreamt of who we would become when we grew up (Britney Spears and a teacher for me!). If we grew up Catholic, we dreamt of going to Heaven and meeting the saints. Our hearts were open and hopeful and, for many of us, that openness and hope elicited dreams of romantic relationships and family life. (M.A.S.H., anyone?) But when we experience childhood wounds, our dreams darken or become distorted. Instead of being led by hearts full of hope, we are often led by hearts deeply wounded. And our wounds are powerful – so powerful that, when we enter adulthood and start dating, we bring our wounds and unmet needs into our experiences. Because of this, if we lack any tools, language, or understanding of how to heal or even recognize these wounds, then we often end up hurting ourselves and others.

Childhood Wounds Come Not Only From the Bad, But Also From the Absence of Good

Our wounds not only tell the story of how we have experienced something bad, but also how we have been deprived of something good.

In childhood, there are many “goods” we need to form a healthy sense of self and have the safety to continue dreaming: protection, pursuit, attunement, genuine repair, healthy boundaries, physical affection, security, emotional regulation, rest, play, and nurture.

When any of those goods are absent from our childhood, that absence is stored in our body and, as a result, we are forced to self-protect and self-rely in unhealthy ways. From this place of defense, we might convince ourselves that we are better off without what we desire most. We distance ourselves from our dreams and, over time, we stop dreaming altogether. Or, instead of letting go of the dream, we might obsess over it. We control, grasp, and cling to it. We do everything we can to get what we desire most, in our own way and on our own terms. We turn the dream into our God.

Even though this happened during childhood, the wounds, unmet needs, and absences or distortions of our dreams follow us into adulthood – including our dating lives.

How Childhood Wounds Might Show Up in Dating Life

When I first started dating, I thought I was self-aware (as self-aware as you can possibly be at fifteen). My heart was open and I dreamed of meeting a man who shared my values and beliefs, having children, and developing a life free from the hardships I endured as a child.

My first boyfriend shared similar dreams and, as two bright-eyed teenagers full of hope, we dated with integrity – or so I thought.

What I didn’t realize was that dating with integrity can only reach the same extent as our healing and wholeness have; and, at the time, I didn’t even know I was wounded. So when my first boyfriend went from being the person whom I saw myself marrying to the person who betrayed my trust and shattered my heart, I was beyond devastated and confused. My wounds burst through the seams of my carefully curated veneer of a self, and I was left completely broken.

Suddenly, I couldn’t dream anymore. Everything went dark and, without the light of that little girl within me, my subsequent dating was motivated by anger, disappointment, hopelessness, control, resentment, and an obsession with retribution, the happily ever after that would make the hurt all better.

Here is what ended up happening in my dating experiences:

I never felt like enough, and I often felt like I had to prove my worthiness. I hid my imperfections and, if they did come out, I blamed others for them. I abandoned my interests, passions, hopes, and desires to make room for another’s. I changed myself to appear more like what I thought men wanted.

I often found myself overthinking and anxiously calculating. I could not be fully present and experience what was happening in my body. In my failure to listen to my body, I could not listen to my gut feeling.

I was incongruous, often saying things that did not align with my actions. I tried to change people to meet what I desired most (making men into my own image).

I had very few boundaries, and the ones I did have, I let be crossed. I could not articulate my needs, wants, or feelings. I had low standards and then felt like a bad person or unworthy if I tried to raise them.

I made excuses for mistreatment and disrespect. I overlooked red flags like emotional unavailability and immaturity; self-reliance and isolation; lack of empathy and respect; lack of follow-through, discipline, and consistency; lack of genuine repair; love bombing; jealousy; dishonesty; victimizing; controlling behavior and manipulation.

And I prayed novena after novena for a good man, without doing the work to make myself a good woman to receive a good man – and to even know what that looks like. I prayed by doing a lot of talking, but not really listening to the voice of God.

Healing from Childhood Wounds Gives Us More Freedom in Dating

Our brains and bodies are designed to help us adapt and survive after we experience deep wounding, especially wounding that is left untended and even triggered throughout our lives.

When we lack the skills, tools, and support to enter into the depths of our wounds and heal, we inevitably have to rely on the ways we learned to protect ourselves in childhood.

Given this, our inability to have an open heart and dream big – to dream of a dating experience and relationship where we are respected, cherished, free, heard, seen, pursued, and authentically give of ourselves to another – makes sense.

For how can we dream of something more for ourselves when our bodies and minds tell us, “People aren’t safe,” or “I’m not worthy,” or “I’m too broken,” or “I don’t deserve more,” or “This is the best I’m going to get,” or “Stop hoping, you’re just going to be disappointed”?

When we know better – cognitively and through our felt senses – we do better, and unfortunately, when we’re dating with unprocessed wounds, we really don’t know better. In order to heal from our childhood wounds and show up more authentically in our dating lives, we need to first enter into those wounds with compassion. We need to process the pain that distorted our vision and darkened our hope. We need to rediscover who we truly are and what it means to live securely.

We also need to dare to dream again. We need to dare to imagine a life where we don’t settle and where we value ourselves. When we do this, we can enter dating securely, honestly, and with integration. We can start trusting God with our entire lives. We can stop getting in the way of God’s plan and surrender our unhealthy self-protection. We can believe in our own goodness, the goodness of God, and the goodness of others.

As we open ourselves to letting God heal our wounds and as we start dreaming again from a place of hope and freedom, we will experience a much healthier dating experience.

Small Steps Towards Healing and Freedom in Dating

Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but rather through daily acts of faith, trust, and fidelity to whatever is being asked of us in the moment. It gradually happens as we examine our interior world and become more curious while dating. We do this by asking ourselves questions like:

What am I feeling in my body while talking to this person? What do I feel in my body when I am not talking to this person?

What are my values? What are my boundaries? What am I willing to compromise on? What am I not willing to compromise on?

What will help me heal? What are my unmet needs? Will this person help me to receive those needs?

Is the person in a place of regulation and integration, or are they operating from a place of woundedness and self-protection? Am I operating from a place of woundedness and self-protection?

As we practice this, we can trust that our honesty with ourselves and with others will propel us towards a life where our wounds do not sabotage our dating experiences, and where we are free to co-create a life that honors who we were created to be and the dreams we hold inside.

‍Author’s Note: Never played M.A.S.H? For funsies, let’s play together. Here are the instructions; tag me @bryahananlmft and @femcatholic with the results in your story. Happy dreaming!

Want to Learn More?

Take a deeper dive with our virtual courses on sex and relationships, where experts who share your values guide you to embrace your sexuality the way God designed for women.

Dating

Mental Health

relationships

trauma

healing

‘Cabrini’ Review: Despite Its Shortcomings, ‘Cabrini’ Highlights Our Responsibility to the Poor

In the middle of a squalid, violent, and dark street, a young and frail Francesca Cabrini turns around and speaks directly into the camera: “Open your eyes,” she urges, “See everything. This is who we’ve come to serve.” If there was any question that this film is a directive to contemporary audiences, it is answered at this moment, exactly 21 minutes in. We are put into the place of the young nuns accompanying the future saint, and there is no subtext to her demand: You are here to serve. Everything else is excuses and Mother Cabrini does not abide by excuses. And while Cabrini does highlight our responsibility to the poor, it falls short as a movie about female empowerment.

I went into Cabrini with trepidation. Christian production company Angel Studios is a mixed bag of high-quality countercultural filmmaking and propaganda. They are behind both the popular TV series The Chosen as well as the highly contested “true story” Sound of Freedom, essentially the Christian version of Taken. I was also highly skeptical of the all-male creative team behind a movie that was marketed as a story of female empowerment. (Cabrini was directed by Alejandro Monteverde and produced by Jonathan Sanger and Leo Severino. The screenplay is by Rod Barr.)

‘Cabrini’ Falls Short as a Movie About Female Empowerment

As a Catholic woman (and a writer for FemCatholic), I am keenly aware of the complex relationship between Christianity and feminism. On one hand, I firmly believe that my femininity is only truly affirmed in the context of my faith. On the other hand, there are a lot of misguided men in authority trying to speak over Jesus on matters of womanhood. Cabrini runs into this problem over and over again. When she attempts to follow her vocation of service, men accuse her of arrogance and naivete, and even question her femininity. While she never abandons her faith, she always knows the difference between God’s plan for women and the biases of men. Ironically, I’m not sure the movie does.

The creators fell right into some easily avoidable sexist pitfalls. Why don’t any of Cabrini’s sister nuns have names and personalities? Why were the only children we got to know boys? Why is the only other major female character a sex worker? Why must the final voiceover be done by a man?

While the movie easily passes the Bechdel Test, many opportunities for rich female characters were passed up in favor of male characters. There’s also a deeply masculine empire-building narrative that positions Mother Cabrini as wanting to take over the world with her charitable efforts. In the movie, Cabrini states, “the world is too small for what I have planned.” This is absolutely true, and Mother Cabrini did say that, but not because she was a conquistador. Mother Cabrini had her eyes on Heaven. The real Cabrini also said, “this world is so small. To me, space is an imperceptible object, as I am accustomed to dwell in eternity."

‘Cabrini’ Highlights Our Responsibility to the Poor

Despite its shortcomings, I will likely watch Cabrini again. And again. The movie is gripping, evocative, and engaging. We find ourselves transported to the harsh world of Five Points and we root for Cabrini and her sisters as they fight tirelessly for what’s right. The film is beautifully shot and costumed. It holds attention for a full 2.5 hours, which is no small feat. I can’t shake the feeling that it could have been better, and yet somehow it’s far superior than the sum of its parts. It’s a deeply flawed instant classic, and its success lies in the person of the saint.

Just as in life, the errors of men cannot stand in the way of Francesca Cabrini. This indefatigable nun’s desire to serve the poor and immigrants is the heart and soul of this film. Italian TV actress Cristiana Dell’Anna does a lot with a little, imbuing an elusive character with heaps of humanity. We are told absolutely nothing about Francesca before she became a nun, other than that she once almost drowned in a river. We don’t know how she fell in love with Jesus or what drives her in this relentless pursuit of service, but we believe that Dell’Anna knows these things. When she weeps at the loss of a child or laughs at the discovery of water, we believe that Cabrini is a real person with a rich inner life. With so little context, the entire film hinges on Dell’Anna’s performance and, fortunately, she is wonderful.

But what message does Cabrini leave its audience with? Is it a triumphalist message of empire-building or is it a message of intense Christian service? Mother Cabrini served the poorest of the poor, the most unwelcome, the illiterate, the maligned. She served the people who were “taking over the city,” who “didn’t belong here” and who “should go home.” We have people like that in New York City right now. Let’s not twist Mother Cabrini’s message. Let’s not tell her what we think she ought to do. She wouldn’t like that. And it’s best not to mess with Mother Cabrini.

TV and movies

Saints

Pop Culture

Social Justice

FemCatholic’s Women To Watch in 2024

Augusta D'Ambrosio

In celebration of International Women’s Day, we are highlighting some of our favorite Catholic women who are changing the landscape and leading the way in sharing the faith and shaping the culture.

In this list, you will find women making strides in Catholic and women-centered spaces for:

Infertility
Miscarriage, Stillbirth & Infant Loss
Sexual Addiction
Surviving Church abuse
Healthcare
Birth & Motherhood Journey
NFP
Fertility Awareness
Mental Health
Inner Healing
Feminism
Gender & Sexuality
Racism
Diversity
Liturgical Living
Creativity
Culture
Storytelling
Comedy

Here are our favorite 25 Catholic women to watch in 2024

(in no particular order)

Rachael Killackey

Ministry Leader, Speaker & Author
Founder and Executive Director of Magdala Ministries
Take her course: Female Pleasure & Deprogramming from Purity Culture
Book: Love In Recovery

Why we love Rachael:
Rachael started Magdala Ministries to help women on the journey of healing from sexual addiction.
Her new course about Female Pleasure & Deprogramming from Purity Culture shares what the Catholic Church ACTUALLY teaches about the importance of female pleasure.

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Fabiola Garza

Disney Artist & Author
Books: Princesses of Heaven, A Boy Who Became Pope: The Story of Saint John Paul II
Instagram

Why we love Fabiola:
Meeting Fabiola is kind of like meeting a real life Disney princess, and now she’s even got a book about princess saints that is a beautiful treasure for little girls and women alike.
Her new book Princesses of Heaven is available now.

‍

Anna Liesemeyer

Home Design, Decor, & Business Owner
Shop: Maris Home
Instagram

Why we love Anna:
‍Watching her and her husband renovate their home is mesmerizing and like you’re watching an episode of Fixer Upper for Catholics. She shares beauty as a pillar of a vibrant faith life, mixing in a healthy dose of real life journey as a mother of 7 (and one on the way!).

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Clare McCallan

Poet, Author & CatholicTV host
Books: Courage To Create, Stations, Mangers
Founder & Creative Director of St. Joseph’s Home for Artisans
TV host: The Renaissance Room, This Is The Day
Podcast: Letters from the Least
Instagram Website

Why we love Clare:
The words that flow out of this woman are pure poetry. Probably why she’s a poet and author. Clare is raw, down to earth, bubbly and lovable. She can easily float between asking you about your love life and your deepest struggles with your faith.
Her new book Courage To Create is available now for pre-order.

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Erica Campbell

Artist, Business Owner & Author
Shop: Be A Heart
Books: Living The Seasons: Simple Ways to Celebrate the Beauty of Your Faith Throughout the Year, Written by Hand
Instagram

‍Why we love Erica:
Imagine Catholic gifts that are as beautiful as our faith. Erica’s shop Be A Heart has produced many gorgeous creations over the years for Catholic women, mothers, and children. Erica herself is a refreshingly authentic presence as she shares about the joys and sorrows of motherhood, business ownership, and mental health.
Her new book Living The Seasons is the perfect elevated companion for women and mothers looking to live liturgically and incarnate the beauty of their Catholic faith throughout the year through crafts, activities, and simple ways to celebrate each season in the Church.

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Regina Boyd, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Author
Founder and Therapist at Boyd Counseling Services
Book: Leaving Loneliness Behind: 5 Keys to Experiencing God’s Love and Building Healthy Connections with Others
Take her course: The Art of Communicating Sexual Needs & Boundaries

Why we love Regina:
Regina tells it like it is, and has helped countless married couples navigate choppy waters - giving them the tools to nourish and grow their relationship.
Her new course about The Art of Communicating Sexual Needs & Boundaries provides a Catholic perspective to identifying and communicating sexual needs with your spouse.

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Jennifer Fulwiler

Comedian & Author
Comedy Special: The Naughty Corner
Books: Your Blue Flame, One Beautiful Dream, Something Other Than God
Instagram Website

Why we love Jennifer:
Jen is like the life coach we all actually need. She is seriously funny and keeps it real. As a mother of 6 and Catholic convert, she’s got relatable and hilarious stories for women in every season.
She’s got jokes about being Catholic, failing at homeschooling, and being fake on Instagram.

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Sister Josephine Garrett, CSFN

Writer, Speaker, and Mental Health Counselor
Religious Order: Sisters of the Holy Family of Nazareth
Book: Hope: An Invitation
Podcast: Hope Stories with Black Catholics
Instagram

Why we love Sister Josephine:
Her infectious joy and deep empathy for others shines through all the ways she makes space for the stories of others and their journey of faith. Her limited podcast series, Hope Stories, emphasizes the beauty of Blackness in the Church. She interviews seventeen Black Catholics from all over the United States and how they have held onto the hope of Christ in the midst of their own struggles interwoven with their Black identity.

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Sarah Ku

Writer
Asian Saint Stories on the Hallow App
Articles exploring Asian-American Catholic spirituality
Instagram Substack Website

Why we love Sarah:
Sarah is a mother of five deeply committed to sharing and exploring the Catholic faith through an Asian-American lens. She’s leading a pilgrimage to South Korea in September 2024 with Verso Ministries.

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Caroline Hartley, FNP

Family Nurse Practitioner
Executive Director of Fiat Integrative Health
Instagram

Why we love Caroline:
Caroline is paving the way for integrated health in Nashville, TN - her clinic aims to serve the whole person, addressing physical, spiritual, and mental health needs.

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Dr. Julia Sadusky

Psychologist, Author & Speaker
Owner & Counselor of Lux Counseling & Consulting in Littleton, CO
Books: Start Talking to Your Kids about Sex: A Practical Guide for Catholics, Emerging Gender Identities: Understanding the Diverse Experiences of Today’s Youth, Gender Identity and Faith: Clinical Postures, Tools and Case Studies for Client-centered Care, Understanding Transgender Identities: Four Views
Take her course: Identifying Your Sexual Scripts And Practical Tips for Healing Shame
Instagram Website

Why we love Julia:
Dr. Sadusky is a psychologist paving the way for sex conversations in the Catholic Church. Her work is filling the gap on faith-based resources on sexuality and gender.
Her new course about Identifying Your Sexual Scripts And Practical Tips for Healing Shame is for anyone who has felt shame around their sexuality and sexual expectations.

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Abigail Favale, Ph.D.

Writer & Professor
Professor at McGrath Institute for Church Life at the University of Notre Dame

Gender Studies and Feminist Literary Criticism
Books: The Genesis of Gender: A Christian Theory, Into the Deep: An Unlikely Catholic Conversion, Irigaray, Incarnation, and Contemporary Women's Fiction
Take her course: Cultivating Catholic Feminism
Website

Why we love Abigail:
Abigail is a leading scholar on gender, feminism and women’s issues from a Catholic perspective. As a professor she teaches on topics like Edith Stein’s Theology of Woman and Religion & Literature.
Her recent book The Genesis of Gender is a vital, timely resource for anyone seeking to better understand the gender and sexuality paradigm—and how to live beyond it.

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Maria Benes, Ph.D.

Political Scientist & Award-Winning College Instructor
National Eucharistic Pilgrimage Project Lead at Modern Catholic Pilgrim
Co-Director of Before Gethsemane

Why we love Maria:
Maria is coordinating two routes of the National Eucharistic Pilgrimage this summer (first time that has ever happened!). She is a force to be reckoned with and is leading the way with creating safe spaces for respectful conversations around controversial topics like abortion, racism, and immigration policy.

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Chenele Shaw

Writer, Speaker & Director of Youth Ministry for the Diocese of Orlando
Co-Director of Before Gethsemane
Podcasts: Antidepressing Show, Ave Maria Spotlight
Speaker on Hallow App
NEP Project Lead at Modern Catholic Pilgrim
Instagram

Why we love Chenele:
You’ll be hard pressed to find a woman so willing to work on herself and share her journey along the way as Chenele Shaw. She cares deeply about mental health, abolishing racism, and cultivating community with other Catholic women - all while being able to laugh at herself and unashamedly watching The Bachelor and Shrek for the 57th time.

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Brya Hanan, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Author
Founder of Hanan Hope & Healing
Book: Befriending Your Inner Child: A Catholic Approach to Healing and Wholeness
Instagram

Why we love Brya:
Brya is like the friend who gently challenges you when you need it. Apart from her work as a therapist and developing a vast library of inner healing resources, Brya shares often about the tender joys and genuine struggles of marriage and motherhood.
Her new book Befriending Your Inner Child: A Catholic Approach to Healing and Wholeness is available for pre-order.

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Dr. Emily Jurschak

Pelvic Floor Therapist
Founder of Fiat Physical Therapy
Take her course: Pelvic Floor Pain: Sex Doesn't Have to Hurt

Why we love Dr. Emily:
Dr. Emily Jurschak is striving to integrate education about the pelvic floor with the Catholic faith - and how physical pain and healing often intertwine with emotional, spiritual, and mental hurdles.
Her new course, Pelvic Floor Pain: Sex Doesn't Have to Hurt, is for any woman who’s unsure about the state of her pelvic floor and struggles with discomfort or pain during sex. Dr. Emily walks you through the anatomy of the pelvic floor, factors to pelvic pain, and her approach to treatment and healing.

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Mary Bruno

Life Coach & Author
Infertility, Adoption, Vaginismus, Fertility Awareness & More
Creighton Practitioner & Marriage Prep Mentor
Co-Founder of FAbM Base
Book: Twelve Stripes Deep: How Infertility & Other Suffering Delivered My Greatest Joys
Instagram Website

Why we love Mary:
If you struggle with infertility, Mary is the friend you want to have. Her own expertise comes from years of her own infertility struggles, and she shares vulnerably what’s helped her (or hasn’t) along the way and takes you on the journey.
Her new book Twelve Stripes Deep dives deep into her infertility journey and how God turned that suffering into beauty by rediscovering her feminine genius. It explores the root pains of infertility, motherhood, fertility awareness, restorative medicine, IVF, adoption, hysterectomy, vaginismus, and more. If you’ve ever struggled with any of these, we highly recommend this book.

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Dr. Abigail Jorgensen, Ph.D.

Professor & Author
Professor of Sociology & Health Care Ethics
Birth & Bereavement Doula
Founder of Bereavement Doulas
Book: A Catholic Guide to Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss: Compassionate Answers to Difficult Questions
Instagram Website

Why we love Dr. Abby:
Dr. Abigail is the friend who holds - space, conversation, emotions, faith, doubt, grief, joy. With 9+ years of walking with parents through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss, Dr. Abby is a wealth of resources for grieving families. She is currently compiling a database of every single resource for perinatal loss in every diocese in the United States, which will be released this year.

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Christina Valenzuelas

NFP Instructor (Boston Cross Check Method)
Owner & Creative Director of Pearl & Thistle
Book: The Language of Your Body: Embracing God’s Design for Your Cycles
Instagram Website

Why we love Christina:
Christina teaches body literacy to Catholic women of all ages - combining her expertise in theology and as a Boston Cross Check NFP Instructor. She has countless NFP resources including self-paced courses, handbooks, and more.

Her new book, The Language of Your Body, will be released spring 2024.

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Emily Frase

Fertility Awareness & NFP Coach
Co-Founder & President of FAbM Base
Podcast: The Total Whine Podcast
Take her course: Reframing Low Libido (coming soon on the FemCatholic Course Hub)
Instagram Website

Why we love Emily:
Real, honest, and funny - Emily doesn’t shy away from the messiness and difficulties of practicing NFP. Her corner of the internet is a safe space for awkward questions, doubts, and celebration.

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Sisters of the Little Way

A new religious order serving those who have been wounded by the Catholic Church
Instagram Website
Support their work

Why we love Sisters of the Little Way:
Their mission is to start a new religious order to serve people on the fringes or outside of the Church, especially those who have been wounded, abused, or scandalized by members of the Church. Sr. Danielle Victoria and Sr. Theresa Aletheia recently spoke out about their own experience with abuse, which is equally horrifying and inspiring - that these women are standing up to both personal and institutional abusive patterns in the Catholic Church, finding hope in the darkness and holding space for others in the process.

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Sara Larson

Executive Director of Awake
Instagram

Why we love Sara:
Sara is cultivating a community much needed in the Church: a space for Catholic abuse survivors. Her community, Awake, provides resources, hosts virtual survivor meetings, and more.
Awake is a community of abuse survivors, concerned Catholics, and allies responding to the wounds of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church. Just this year, Awake went from only serving Milwaukee to now expanding into a nationwide organization.

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Leah Jacobson

Speaker, Author & Lactation Consultant
Founder & CEO of The Guiding Star Project
Book: Wholistic Feminism: Healing the Identity Crisis Caused by the Women’s Movement
UST Masters Program on Sexuality & Gender Studies
Instagram Website

Why we love Leah:
Leah, also known as The Wholistic Feminist, aims to empower women in their identity, fertility, and motherhood journey. Her organization, The Guiding Star Project, seeks to help women protect their fertility and identities as mothers through their network of life-affirming medical centers and healthcare.
Leah recently helped launch a new University of St. Thomas Masters program on Sexuality & Gender Studies - created to equip Catholic leaders to address issues related to sexuality and gender that now regularly confront them in their work and ministry. The courses are available online and enrollment is flexible, so any working professional has access to this important education to help them in their own field of work.

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Dr. Denise Montagnino

OBGYN & Speaker
Take her course: Gynecology 101 (coming soon on the FemCatholic Course Hub)

Why we love Dr. Denise:
Dr. Denise Montagnino is an obstetrician-gynecologist in Nashville, Tennessee and is presently employed by Vanderbilt University Medical Center. She received her medical degree from Nova Southeastern University - College of Osteopathic Medicine and has been in both private and academic practice for over 10 years.

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Katie McGrady

Radio Host, Author & Speaker
Radio Show: The Katie McGrady Show
Podcasts: Like A Mother, Ave Explores
Family Mass Prep series on Hallow
Instagram Website

Why we love Katie:
Genuinely relatable and deeply faithful, Katie shares her thoughts and stories like you’re meeting a friend over coffee.

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So many amazing women in the Catholic Church

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There are endless Catholic women who inspire us, and it was very hard to narrow it down.
Who is a Catholic woman you think should be on this list next year?

Submit your nominations for 2025 by emailing femcatholic@gmail.com

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Leadership

Black Catholics

Latina Catholics

AAPI Catholics

Abuse

Meet the Psychologist Who’s Filling the Gap in Faith-Based Resources on Sexuality and Gender

Victoria Velasquez-Feikles

Dr. Julia Sadusky is a Catholic psychologist practicing in Colorado and working with adolescents and adults through a trauma-informed lens. She has co-authored several books about human sexuality and gender. Her newest book is Start Talking to Your Kids About Sex: A Practical Guide for Catholics. We talked with Dr. Sadusky about a wide range of questions related to sexuality and gender: the need for better care for people who are wrestling with their sexuality and gender; common faith-related struggles that they experience; what’s behind the gap in faith-based resources about sexuality and gender; the need for sex education that’s rooted in faith instead of fear; and how breaking out of silos can help us take better care of children and ourselves. We learned so much from Dr. Sadusky about the sexuality- and gender-related landscapes in the Church and our culture today, and we’re excited to share our conversation with you.

Editor’s Note: This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Dr. Sadusky’s Journey to Studying Sexuality and Gender

Victoria Velasquez-Feikles: It’s great to meet you virtually, I’ve been looking forward to this moment forever! Can you tell me a little bit about yourself and your faith background?

Dr. Julia Sadusky: Yeah! I grew up on the East Coast; my family is from Delaware. I was raised Catholic and my parents were both practicing Catholics, so I would say that faith was integrated in my life. There was an important social justice component in my faith, too. My parents did prison ministry, worked at the local pregnancy help center, and other things like that. I think that was formative educationally but also spiritually, seeing the faith be effective in the world but also not feeling like I had to be removed from the world to be Catholic.

VV: What got you into your work as a psychologist specializing in sexuality and gender identity?

JS: I kind of knew from a young age that I wanted to be a psychologist. When I was a child, my parents had a family friend who was a psychologist, and I also had loved ones who experienced mental illness and whose therapists were seemingly not effective for them.

Later on I studied psychology at Ave Maria University in Florida and came across Mark Yarhouse’s work on sexuality when I was doing thesis research during my senior year. His work is what brought me to Regent University to get my doctorate. In graduate school, I started researching sexuality, sexual orientation, and the intersection of those and Faith with a group led by Mark Yarhouse. He had written a book called Understanding Gender Dysphoria and it was around that time that I started seeing clients as his supervisee and began my own work in this area.

Discovering a Need for Better Care for People Wrestling With Sexuality and Gender

VV: Wow, it sounds like God gave you insight into your direction from a young age! Was there any part of your experience, either growing up or during your studies, that made you think, “There is something a little bigger here,” with sexuality and gender?

JS: I think the most formative piece was when people shared their stories with me. Catholic loved ones were asking me really important questions like “Do I need to become heterosexual to be holy?” and “If my attractions don’t change, will I go to hell?” I didn’t know the answers to those questions, so I was really struck by that.

I immersed myself in Theology of the Body to understand more about what theology had to say about human sexuality more broadly, including same-sex sexuality. The biggest gap I saw was in how the Church actually cares for people with that experience. I found the teachings very instructive, but in the Church’s ministry to people, I wasn’t hearing a positive vision of human sexuality that each person could be brought into and that answered these questions in a robust way. That’s what propelled me to dig deeper.

Common Faith Struggles Among People Wrestling With Sexuality and Gender

VV: Did you notice any trends in the stories of your loved ones who confided in you about their sexuality or discomfort with their gender? Were there any shared experiences?

JS: Yeah, there are a lot of evidence-based trends. Some people will give their own anecdotal version of trends based on something they see twice or ten times and feel confident it’s “a thing” – but it doesn’t quite work that way.

One of the most notable trends that we see in the research (and that coincides with my own work and research) is gender nonconformity in early childhood. Most people who identify as LGBT or who are exploring questions around sexual orientation or gender are people who experienced gender nonconformity when they were kids. They felt different from other people of their sex for gender-related reasons.

Also, there are certainly trends in mental health challenges for this group, which became increasingly relevant to my work as a therapist. I started to share more in youth groups and churches because it seemed like there were messages coming from our Christian circles that were not as helpful to people in this space. I think it’s important to ask what we are doing (or not doing) in our faith communities to help or hurt.

A final trend I’ve noticed is that many people who have questions about sexuality or gender feel like even having questions precludes them from having a relationship with Jesus. They might feel like, “I have to have those questions answered, and then I can approach God and He will want to talk to me – then I can be a good Christian.” That is where I see a lot of young people ruling out a faith life, because they feel like they have to have it all figured out and they feel ill-equipped to do so.

VV: Where do you think that might come from? What seem to be contributing factors to these feelings?

JS: I think, in Christian circles, we tend to elevate fascinating conversion experiences. For example, talks during high school youth groups given by people who had crazy lives and then totally put all of their old ways aside, changed their minds on a dime, and gave their lives to Jesus. If we’re raised Catholic, we also have these incredible stories about saints who were always deeply connected to Jesus and laying on thorns at age 14.

These stories prescribe something about the typical path of holiness. That type of transformation story sounds really great and looks really great, and God bless those people – it’s just not my experience that these are the trajectories for many of us. Even as a person who never had a radical conversion and was always pretty “sold out for Jesus,” I didn’t resonate with those stories. I don’t think it has entirely served us well to elevate those stories above others.

Even as we have become passionate about ministering to youth with conferences and missionaries, people go to them and only see Catholics on fire. We don’t really see the lukewarm Catholics and, if we do, we begin to see them as the “bad” Catholics. So, when people experience times of spiritual suffering or psychological concerns that compound spiritual challenges, it can make them feel like they’re out of the fold.

What’s Behind the Gap in Faith-Based Resources on Sexuality and Gender

VV: Absolutely, so much of this resonates with my own experience. Something I’m lingering on is that gap, the over emphasis on the ideal without much emphasis on the low points. Growing up, I heard messages like, “When you give yourself to Christ, that’s it! It’s a commitment and it all works out after that, though the struggles may continue.” No one gives you a net to fall back on. I wonder if this might have something to do with the general discomfort among many Catholics with approaching the subjects of sexuality and gender. The message we usually hear is, “Well, it’s not rightly ordered, and if it’s not rightly ordered then just don’t do it and you’ll be fine.” In your experience, do you think this might signal the need for a more robust sexual education for everyone?

JS: Yes. As you were saying that, as a psychologist I’m thinking about defense mechanisms like intellectualization and rationalization, and how these make us feel secure in the face of something that is anxiety-provoking. I see a lot of that happening in what contributes to this gap in resources.

I think there’s an assumption that – because we have a clear, coherent, and consistent theology and a robust framework for human sexuality (which I believe is true) – we don’t have to get into the nitty gritty of how to live those teachings out. Eve Tushnet has a great quote about this. Something to the effect of: “You can’t give teens merely a theology of no’s.” I think that has been a lot of sex education in the Church. You might make a few comments about the beauty of human sexuality, and you might describe sexual intercourse as a reality once a child hits puberty, but that’s not sufficient in helping people develop into whole sexual beings as adults.

Certainly, it’s not a path to living out our values, either. I can think about my values all day and not actually live according to them. I think we have seen something similar in the study of sexuality from a theological perspective. Studying sexuality and theology isn’t exhaustive of what we need to do for ourselves or other people.

This is evident in the ways that people experience and express sexuality in ways that aren’t in line with their values. It can be expressed in masturbation, pornography, sexual experience outside of a marriage – all of that can take place in the lives of Catholics who are pursuing Jesus. It’s clearly not enough to say, “These are my values.” So, what is it that actually helps us live out our values? I think knowledge in the sexual realm has a lot to do with this, and there is a lot that psychology has to offer that hasn’t been consistently interwoven with our faith.

The Need for Sex Education That’s Rooted in Faith, Not Fear

VV: Have you encountered a reason for why women in particular struggle with their own sexual expression, even after marriage? Part of me wonders if purity culture is why there’s a push to keep everything hush-hush about women’s sexuality in Christian circles. It’s almost as if there’s a belief that, if we keep women ignorant of how their bodies work, their sexual function, and how they experience pleasure, then we can keep them “pure.”

JS: Yes, I do think that in terms of strategies to promote a moral life for women in particular, we’ve elevated women all throughout Church history for their virginity. We’ve elevated virgin men, as well, but we don’t call them virgins in quite the same way. There’s a lot to that.

The assumption is that, if you can maintain virginity (either until marriage or in becoming a religious sister), then you will be a healthy, whole adult woman. But that doesn’t account for experiences of rape or sexual assault, and it doesn’t account for the current state of pornography and female experiences of masturbation. There is so much that women are facing today that notions of virginity don’t account for. Is this notion of virginity something you can’t walk back, is it irrevocable? I wonder if we haven’t asked those questions because we’ve been taught that the goal is virginity, full stop.

That really has been the conversation for female sexuality, and it’s a fear-based approach. The thought process seems to be, “If you give women more knowledge about their bodies, sexuality, or certain genitalia, and if you teach women that they have a clitoris and that its only purpose is sexual pleasure, then they’ll all be masturbating all day!” But, like I said, that’s a fear-based strategy. I think that knowledge is power, and that if we really believe that we’re rational beings who are capable of self-control and submitting our desires to human reason and our faith, then we don’t need to be so afraid. And, if we don’t teach women and some of us get married, then that light switch that’s been turned off now has to be turned on all of a sudden. That is a lot of pressure, and in the realm of sexuality, pressure is not exactly a conduit for pleasure.

From a psychological and spiritual standpoint, we get to ask the question, “What if our strategies are rooted in fear and not faith?” Is our approach to morality guided by a belief that says, “God will punish me if I’m bad, or He’ll tell me how bad I am so I can get it right.” What if that thought has been a driving force in some of our approaches to sex ed for women? And what if that hasn’t been serving our broader goal of encouraging healthy, integrated sexuality for women and men in the Church?

How Breaking Out of Silos Can Help us Take Better Care of Children and Ourselves

VV: This makes me pause and reflect on so many of my own experiences. There is so much truth in all of what you said. It also makes me wonder what your experience has been in both your field and the Church. How have you been received? Have there been any challenges?

JS: Yeah, I would say in my field I am seen as a fascinating anomaly.

Colleagues who aren’t people of faith are intrigued by me and my work, they wonder about it. Some are suspicious about it, but we can have conversations that clarify my approach and those are helpful. I think people in my field would critique me and say I don’t go “far enough.” In my field, being aligned with Catholic tradition is seen as historically oppressive and problematic for people with gender and sexuality concerns. It can feel like a confusing intersection for people. But I think they’re grateful that there are Catholic and Christian people in the field. At their best, they might think, “You’ll do well in working with these kinds of religious people.” At the worst end, they might think, “We’re so glad you exist so we don’t have to work with these kinds of religious people.” I’ve heard both! People in my field value sex education, so they’re excited that I’m writing a book about it. They think it’s really great and hope it’ll help a lot of people.

In the Church, I think there is a lot of fear and suspicion towards my work, almost a fear of “a wolf in sheep’s clothes.” I believe that trust is earned, so I respect the suspicion on all sides. I don’t think I’m necessarily deserving of all trust because I’m Catholic or a psychologist. I have to earn that!

I do think the biggest pushback from the Church is a protectiveness that’s rooted in fears, which lead people to foreclose on opportunities to learn more. There’s also a suspicion of the secular, of psychology, and of ideas that have been deemed as “woke.” There has been such a politicization of the sexuality discussion, so even when you talk about things like rape or sexual assault, or the impact of purity culture on sexual functioning, it sounds secular or “woke.”

But really, the reason I wrote my book is because I had plenty of Catholic friends who were calling me and clients coming to meet me with questions about sexuality with younger children; questions like, “My three year old said this…” or “My five year old did this at a sleepover, what do I do?” They just kept saying, “I wish someone would write a book about this.” And so, boots on the ground in the therapy office and in my personal life, I saw that so many people are desperate for this information. I just wish we could be honest about that. If our approach in the Church were working in the practical realm, I don’t think friends would be calling me, I don’t think that I’d be hearing from my faith-based clients who are desperate to get their questions answered. The book is really what I do in therapy, which is modeling conversations with children and teens, conversations that I have seen in therapy to be effective strategies and that research gives us something to have confidence in.

VV: You’re right, there is a desperation, even just in the responses we get to our related content on FemCatholic. So, what is your main goal with this book series? I know you have another one coming out this spring, and you’re definitely meeting a need.

JS: It’s a great question. These books feel like they happened to me, to be honest with you. I couldn’t not write them. I was talking to Ave Maria Press about writing something and I had a completely different proposal, but I kept getting these calls from friends and everyone was saying, “Someone should write a book!” I ended up writing a sample chapter in about an hour, it came really naturally.

I’ve worked with a lot of people who have experienced unwanted sexual experiences, especially in childhood. When I became aware of the research that shows that teaching children the accurate names of their genitalia is a powerful protector against sexual abuse, I thought to myself, “I need to write that down!” That was really the springboard to thinking, “How do I help proactively protect children from harm?” I also started wondering if we can get on the same page about common things that we’ve learned from research that cultivate healthy sexual development in kids.

I also wanted to write something that applies to kids who end up being attracted to the opposite sex as well as kids who end up being attracted to the same sex. I kept thinking, what needs to be different in education in Catholic families? If we look at the research done by people who treat compulsive sexual behavior, what are the messages these kids got in childhood that are correlated with sexual shame? And how can we address this on the front end?

The hope is that a proactive model for healthy conversations with kids will help protect them, help parents respond when their children have been harmed, and be a starting point for parents thinking deeply and robustly about these topics. The book series feels like a starting point, though. As someone who is not a parent, I was pretty hesitant to write something for parents, but I hope the books give them a springboard for conversations.

VV: I know I have mine pre-ordered! I think that the approach you’re taking is very much needed. Given your skillset and the work you do, I have no doubt that this is going to be a great reference for people everywhere: parents, foster-parents, grandparents…

JS: Yeah, it really takes a community. That’s what gives the Church such an opportunity for cultivating healthy sexual development. It’s not just one of us, we need everyone to have a baseline understanding of what helps and what hurts. If we can get on the same page about that, we will have more credibility in the broader culture to weigh in on human sexuality in ways that can really make an impact, and I think our communities will be better for it.

VV: Agreed. I have the same hopes! Speaking of culture, I know a lot of what we see in the media is about sexual diversity, either in gender identities, sexualities, or alternative lifestyles. Do you ascribe any of that to a general cultural problem, or do you think that it’s more of a search for knowledge? In other words, is there something “diagnosable” in our culture today that’s pushing for conversations about sexual diversity, or are these conversations the result of something else?

JS: That’s a great question. I imagine that there is nothing new under the sun when it comes to sexuality in the world. I think that, in every age, people felt that they’ve hit the brink of the worst they could see, so it’s no surprise that we would feel the same way. I’m hesitant to offer a single factor.

I think the common narrative within the Church, though, is what you said first, “This is woke culture.” That trivializes the role of the Church in the broader world, though. It’s also just too simple to say that there’s only one factor in the world for anything.

One thing I see happening now is that there are a lot of conversations about sexuality and gender happening among people who agree about it, and not a lot of conversations happening across different groups. And whatever wisdom we could glean from secular research about human sexuality, we don’t talk to each other enough to have a productive conversation. If Catholics could critically engage cultural narratives out of human anthropology, psychology, our theology, and philosophy, I think we could make a meaningful contribution.

I think the approach from people in the Church has generally been, “This is a lost cause, we need to hunker down and pull away.” And then, on the other end, it’s, “We need to box the Christians out, we need to have legislation that ties their hands. They’re dangerous and outdated, and they have nothing to say or offer.” That kind of siloing isn’t helpful.

Having Confidence and Courage to Engage in Conversations About Sexuality and Gender

VV: It sounds like a goal that we should be working towards is to raise a new generation of people in the Church who are equipped with knowledge, as you said before – an understanding of their bodies and what it means to be a person, a man, a woman. That could bring the Church into more conversations in social and cultural spheres, and carve out that space again in a way that isn’t combative.

JS: And creating the space to have effective conversations across the sexes, without shame, is essential. It really is meaningful to learn about that realm with other people. There is nothing to be afraid of!

The last thing I’ll say – and it’s been on my heart to say it – is that our theology and our beliefs are not fragile, and that gives me solid footing to enter into any context and not feel threatened by any child, teen, or adult who agrees with this ethic, disagrees with that ethic, or has questions about it. And that also feels like solid ground to be effective in the world and engage in our culture.

VV: You are totally right. Thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate you sharing your expertise with us, in both psychology and theology. I look forward to reading your book!

JS: Thank you!

Want to learn more from Dr. Sadusky? She's one of the experts featured in the FemCatholic Sex Ed Course.

Sex

Sexuality & Gender

Mental Health

Women's Health

Motherhood

“Mean Girls” (2024) Brings Lessons on Friendship and Feminism to a New Audience

The new adaptation of Mean Girls (Screenplay by Tina Fey, Directed by Samantha Jayne and Arturo Perez Jr.) skillfully brings the beloved coming-of-age story to a new generation. The production is slick, the storyline updates are effective, and Renee Rapp is phenomenal as Regina George. While the now-classic lines in Mean Girls may not land as well twenty years later, the 2024 film brings to a fresh audience important lessons on genuine friendship and the trap of “have it all” feminism.

“Mean Girls” (2024) is the Latest in New Movie Musicals

Mean Girls is a “cautionary tale” about a teenage girl who loses her sense of self to gain the approval of others. When Cady Heron (Angourie Rice) moves from a homeschool life in Kenya to an American high school, she is unexpectedly accepted into the popular clique, the Plastics. She endeavors to take down the school’s Queen Bee, Regina George (Rapp), only to transform into an even more ruthless version of her. Fortunately, it’s never too late to say sorry, do the right thing, and get your life back on track. (Although it’s preferable to do all that before someone gets hit by a bus.) The new adaptation is quite faithful to the original, but with one major twist: it’s a musical.

Mean Girls is the latest in a series of movie musicals that were not promoted as such, including The Color Purple, Wonka, and (to a lesser extent) Barbie. Much has been written about this odd trend, but in the case of Mean Girls, the confusion within the trailer (which featured music from Olivia Rodrigo, but not from the musical) reflected the identity crisis within the movie itself. Why does Mean Girls (2024) exist? Was the goal to do an updated version of the story, catering to a Gen-Z audience? Or was the goal to bring the Broadway musical (music by Jeff Richmond, Lyrics by Nell Benjamin) to the screen? As is, the movie seems to be doing a little of both, and neither fully.

Mean Girls is best when it gives over fully to being a musical and it’s funniest when the jokes are new. While almost all of the quotable lines from the original are in the new version (“She doesn’t even go here!”), they don’t land as well after two decades. The joy of a punchline is in the surprise, and there are very few surprises here. However, riffs on these lines and self-referential jokes got big laughs in the theater. (“She sounds great, but she STILL DOESN’T GO HERE!”) Tina Fey is an incredibly talented comedic writer with no shortage of new material. It’s a shame that so much of the new movie is filled up by fan service to old material.

“Mean Girls” (2024) Updates the Beloved Story for Gen-Z

In the few places where they did update the story, the changes were refreshing. The backstory between Regina and Janice (Auli’i Cravalho) is fuller and more heartbreaking. Now we know that Regina’s homophobic bullying eventually drove Janice to act out violently, cementing her bad reputation for years to come. Deemphasizing the Burn Book in favor of TikTok was also the right choice. Today, the nastiness of the Burn Book seems downright quaint when compared to the brutality of social media. Cady’s bad actions are no longer confined to just her school: She goes so viral that Megan Thee Stallion knows about her shenanigans. And that kind of shame sticks with a person.

Another high point of the movie is Renee Rapp, who played Regina George on Broadway (the role was originated by Taylor Louderman). She brings a raw, hypnotizing authority to the role that has us truly believing she is “the Apex Predator.” She also brings a new layer to the character. As a true Gen-Z teen, she knows just enough psychology to be dangerous, playing on Dylan’s (Christopher Briney’s) emotions as she intentionally guilts him into choosing her over Cady. In “Someone Gets Hurt” she croons, “Poor little me / All trapped in this fabulous show. / You could set me free. / But if you’re going… go!” 2024’s Regina has a high degree of emotional intelligence, and she’s unafraid to use it for ill.

“Mean Girls” Teaches Gen-Z Important Lessons on Friendship and Feminism

The heart of Mean Girls is a message about the value of genuine friendship, inherent dignity, and honoring our values. For all its flaws, the new adaptation delivers this message in a whole-hearted way to a new generation. It also takes a step further in acknowledging the very real traps that a “have it all” brand of feminism has set for young girls. As Karen (Avantika Vandanapu) sings in “Sexy”: “This is modern feminism talking / I expect to run the world / in shoes I cannot walk in.” Girls today aren’t just expected to be thin and hot – they’re also expected to be self-confident, leaders, intelligent, and self-actualized. By the time you’re 16, you should have done enough therapy to overcome your childhood trauma and be ready to take on the world. Of course, none of this is realistic. No adult on Earth has it all figured out, much less teenagers. But where we are in our journey is good, and true friends are the people who love us the way we are while also pushing us to be better.

As Cady sings as she breaks her plastic crown, “You are so real / you are so rare / I see you there I see you.”

TV and movies

Friendship

Pop Culture

Giving Up Alcohol Gave Me Freedom from Fearing Others’ Judgment

Vicky Wolak Freeman

I drink – when I’m out with friends, at a family party, or every once in a while if I cook a fancier dinner at home. Though I’ve tried to be mindful of my alcohol intake, especially as someone with a family history of alcoholism, I’ve never questioned pouring myself a glass of something during special occasions. Then, I got married. We had a beautiful Mass and an open bar at the reception. But in the months that followed, I felt an unexpected and increasing pressure to drink more in social settings.

The Pressure to Drink

My anxiety spirals became frequent.

“I need to drink at the party tonight. If I don’t, everyone will think I’m pregnant. Then if they ask, and I say we’re delaying pregnancy, they’ll tell me I’m a bad Catholic for not wanting to have kids right away. And if my secular friends think I’m pregnant, they’ll think I’m irresponsible because ‘obviously Catholic birth control doesn’t work.’”

Before I realized it, I was having “just one more drink” at a party, not saying no when a friend or family member brought me a drink even though I didn’t want it, and even forcing myself to order sangria when I would’ve rather had seltzer. I was so terrified of being questioned and judged that I used my cocktail of choice as a shield. Meanwhile, my body was giving me many physical reminders that I was in my 30s now and couldn’t drink like I did in my early 20s, with no consequences.

Taking A Break From Alcohol

I reached my breaking point in July 2023 – the peak of the summer social season – when my body crashed. My sleep cycle was messed up. My menstrual cycle was messed up. My stress and anxiety were at an all-time high. I was miserable.

Finally, I decided that I didn’t want to live a life dictated by the rumor mill. To get over my fear of other people’s opinions, I decided to participate in what I called “Sobertember” (à la Sober October and Dry January). I gave up alcohol for the entire month of September, except for two occasions: our wedding anniversary trip and my husband’s birthday dinner, when there would be no one else around. I also decided that, outside of my husband and my parents, I wouldn’t tell anyone I wasn’t drinking unless they asked.

The first week was hard – not because I craved alcohol, but because I was exhausted. According to American Addiction Centers, fatigue can be a sign of alcohol withdrawal, and can be accompanied by anxiety, tremors, gastrointestinal disturbances, and even seizures (though I didn’t experience any of those symptoms).

Once the first week was over, I started to get some clarity on my relationship with alcohol. In the book Quit Like A Woman (which I don’t recommend, but that’s another article for another day), the author argues that throughout modern Western history, alcohol has been a symbol of women’s empowerment and liberation. Which image is most frequently represented in our modern pop culture: temperance icon Carrie Nation smashing saloon windows, or the cast of Sex and the City drinking pink cocktails at the hottest NYC bars?

Though my life in New York was more akin to Pollyanna than Carrie Bradshaw, being involved in the Catholic young adult scene meant that more church-sponsored events served alcohol than not. There were subtle jokes made at the expense of other Christians who had a more stringent view of alcohol, even though I knew several devout Catholics who didn’t drink. There’s a historic bar in Manhattan with a sign outside that reads: “If your grandma was alive during Prohibition, she drank here. Unless she was Baptist, then she drank in the closet.” Catholics have a reputation for being one of the Christian sects with a more relaxed attitude toward alcohol, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have some restrictions on it. The Catechism discusses “[t]he virtue of temperance, [which] disposes us to avoid every kind of excess: the abuse of food, alcohol, tobacco, or medicine.” I started to question why a hallmark of my faith was that my church’s young adult event had wine, not that the people who attended had strong relationships with Jesus and a love for the sacraments.

Embracing the Freedom to (Not) Drink

One of the hardest aspects of Sobertember for me was the temptation to explain myself when I refused a drink. As a recovering people pleaser, I could see the wheels turning behind people’s eyes when I said, “No, thank you.” However, for the most part, no one questioned me. In fact, the few that did were intrigued and supportive of my project, and other married women expressed similar frustrations over the scrutiny of the contents of their glass. One major victory was when I went out to dinner with a large group of friends and all I ordered was a ginger beer and lime (my go-to mocktail) – and nobody noticed. I realized that my relationship with alcohol had become less about responsibly partaking in something I enjoyed, and more about pleasing the people around me. But the reality was that I could still have a robust social life – even with people who drink – and choose to not have a drink.

Though I do still drink alcohol, I’ve changed my mindset to, “I don’t have to have a drink tonight. I can have a drink tonight if I want to.” I’ve followed several mocktail recipe accounts online, like Mocktail Girlie and The Mindful Mocktail, so I can make drinks that are tasty and fun without the alcohol – and so that other people who don’t drink alcohol can have an interesting beverage option. This experience has also made me excited to cut out alcohol for short periods of time in the future, whether during Dry January, Lent, or if I do one day become pregnant. And most importantly, it’s taught me that “No.” is a complete sentence and I do not need to justify my choice to not drink to anyone.

Whether you should or shouldn’t drink is a decision between you and God (and possibly your doctor). But if you are considering cutting out alcohol – whether for a time, or forever – it isn’t as scary as you think it is. Jesus came so that we might have life, and have it abundantly. Alcohol should be just one of many little joys in your life, and if it can remain that way, it can be a part of an abundant life in God. However, if you find that it impacts your ability to enjoy all of your other beautiful blessings, getting rid of it may open you up to a more abundant life.

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Alcohol

"The Color Purple" (2023) Highlights the Search for God in a Broken World

“The Lord works in mysterious ways!” declares the exuberant opening number of The Color Purple (2023), directed by Blitz Bazawule. The celebratory sound and swinging rhythm can’t help but bring a smile to your face. But all that joyful singing is undercut by the image of a teenage girl who is pregnant by her own father. “If this is how God works,” the implicit rebuttal goes, “we’re better off on our own.” Despite a tragic premise, The Color Purple highlights one woman’s search for God in a broken world.

The Story Behind The Color Purple

The Color Purple follows the life of Celie (Fantasia Barrino), a Black woman living in 1900s Georgia. Celie is sexually abused by her father (Deon Cole) and married off at a young age to another abusive man, Mister (Colman Domingo). Along the way, she is separated from her beloved sister Nettie (Halle Baily) and her children. Through life-changing relationships with powerful women such as the beautiful songstress Shug Avery (Taraji P. Henson) and the fearless fighter Sofia (Danielle Brooks), Celie endeavors to reclaim her inherent dignity and find meaning in a broken world.

The Color Purple has seen several adaptations. The original novel by Alice Walker (which won a Pulitzer Prize in 1983) was quickly made into a movie, directed by Stephen Spielberg and starring Oprah Winfrey and Whoopi Goldberg. The musical (book by Marsha Norman, music and lyrics by Brenda Russell, Allee Willis, and Stephen Bray) opened on Broadway in 2005 and was revived in 2015, winning two Tony Awards. The 2023 film is an adaptation of the musical, which was itself based on the film derived from the novel. With so many degrees of separation from the source material, one might question if the 2023 film could possibly bring anything of value to new audiences. Fortunately, this fresh portrayal of a classic story is as relevant today as it ever was.

Discovering God’s Love Through Other People

While renowned for its themes of racial liberation, feminism, and friendship, The Color Purple is a deeply religious tale. Celie’s primary preoccupation is with the existence of God, and the new film does not shy away from her quest for spiritual fulfillment. In fact, the movie is so open in its exploration of divine themes that it’s almost uncomfortable. The earnestness with which these characters pursue their faith feels out of place in the contemporary world, which is precisely why it’s so powerful. Celie is not seeking liberation, she is seeking God. Through her search for God, liberation comes.

Celie discovers God’s love through her connections with other people, such Shug Avery who – in addition to being a blues singer – is a bit of a theologian. Shug insists that God wants each one of us to experience joy: “I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it,” she asserts. In Shug’s eyes, the world is a work of art, created as an expression of divine love.

Celie also discovers that she has the power to bring God’s love to others. After Sofia is beaten and thrown in jail for refusing to work as a maid for a wealthy white woman, Celie visits Sofia in her bleak cell every week for six years. While the unjust imprisonment almost breaks Sofia’s spirit, Celie’s visits give her hope. When she is finally freed, she tells Celie, “When I see’d you – I know’d there is a God.” By practicing the corporal work of mercy of visiting the imprisoned, Celie embodies the love of Christ.

These religious themes have always been present in The Color Purple, but placing them front and center for an adaptation in 2023 brings a startling new urgency to the story. In a deeply secular world, audiences are still seeking God.

The Color Purple Still Resonates with Audiences

Rich themes aside, the music is phenomenal and sure to keep you humming for days on end. Additionally, the new movie makes room for essential storylines that were glossed over in the 1980s version, particularly the love affair between Shug and Celie.

It was a delight to witness young audiences react to this classic story for the first time. As I watched in the theater, a little girl danced in the aisle. There was audible crying when Celie was reunited with her sister and children, and a group of teenage girls broke out into applause when Celie declared, “I may be poor, I may be Black, I may be a woman… but I’m HERE!”

This adaptation is for them, and it’s as vital today as it ever was.

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TV and movies

Pop Culture

Books

The Immaculate Conception Shows Us God’s Respect for Women’s Freedom

Church

Anonymous

On December 8, Catholics around the world celebrate Mary, the Mother of God, on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. This day honors how Mary “was redeemed from the moment of her conception.” In other words, Mary was perfectly free from sin, from the moment she was created. There’s a risk that Mary could seem even more unrelatable to us if we only think about the mere fact of her perfect freedom from sin. But, there’s even more to the Immaculate Conception than that fact: Mary’s freedom from sin meant that she could give a completely free answer to God. Reflecting on the Immaculate Conception, we can see how much God respects Mary’s freedom, and how much He respects our own (even when others don’t).

God Wanted Mary to Answer Freely

God had always known that Mary would be the woman He would ask to carry His Son. So, He prepared her for it.

In order for Mary to give her “free assent,” she had to be free of sin. Why? Well, to put it simply, sin weighs us down. It complicates our lives and our decision-making. It drives us to say yes to things we might not really want, or no to things that might bring about something good. In other words, sin makes us less free, moving us to make decisions out of negative emotions like fear, despair, or anxiety, or out of a worse motivation.

Imagining myself in Mary’s shoes, I honestly can’t see myself giving a free yes to God, even if I were to consent to His plan. I imagine I’d be motivated by fear, or by the remnants of my people-pleasing tendencies, or by some other less-than-ideal reason.

This brings us back to the Immaculate Conception: God “wanted the free cooperation” of Mary in sending Jesus to us. He created us with free will so that, if we choose Him, we do so of our own accord. God gives us a radical degree of freedom in our lives; We have the ability to cooperate (or not) with His plan for us. If God were to force us to say yes or no, He would not be loving – He would be a tyrant.

Catholics believe that God desires a loving and intimate relationship with us, one far from that between a lowly subject and the master she obeys out of fear. We see this in the story of God and the woman He asked to be Jesus’ mother. In such a crucial moment, God didn’t just want Mary’s yes; He wanted her free yes. God didn’t want Mary saying yes out of fear, out of coercion, or out of anything that wasn’t genuine love of and trust in Him.

God Wants Us to be Free, Too

Mary’s freedom is hard for me to imagine. Like all of us, I’m a wounded, imperfect person living in a wounded, imperfect world. I’m vulnerable to others’ failings and to my own. I don’t always give a free answer when someone makes a request of me. Sometimes I do, though, and those moments are beautiful. It’s freeing to say yes to helping someone simply because they need it and I have the resources, not because I worry what they’ll think if I say no.

This is where Mary’s Immaculate Conception can inspire us to live in freedom – the freedom God desires for all of us. What would it be like to make a completely free decision the next time that someone asks something of you? What would it be like to say yes (or no), confident that regret and resentment won’t follow?

None of this is simple, I know. It can take years of thought, prayer, therapy, and diligent work to reach a place of greater freedom. It takes greater self-awareness, discovering the motivations that lie beneath the surface of our decisions. It takes a courageous willingness to dive into our wounds and explore how they drive us to act. It takes an honest look at how we show up in relationship with others. It takes traveling down a hard, long road – but I hope Mary’s story can inspire us to persevere on that road.

In my own life, therapy and prayer have slowly uncovered the things that keep me from making decisions out of a place of freedom. As I’ve worked through the wounds left by my parents’ divorce and my mom’s addiction – sad realities that are the results of my parents’ own wounds – I’ve discovered the depth to which fear and self-reliance dictate my decisions.

My parents’ struggles left them unable to show up for me fully, and so I learned to rely on myself. It felt like the safer option as I grew up, especially when my mom brought me into harm’s way. The one problem with self-reliance is that I’m imperfect and limited – and so, perfectionism and neglect of my own needs became deeply ingrained in me to solve that problem.

Though I’m a grown woman and my mom has since passed away, self-reliance and perfectionism still feel like the safest options to me today. While years of therapy and hours of prayer have slowly – slowly – given me more freedom to take reasonable risks, I know that many of my decisions are still made by that part of me who went through something traumatic and didn’t know how to manage. It’s the same part of me who is terrified that it will happen again, who is hypercritical, quick to suspect others’ intentions, and exacting in her standards for herself and others – all because, if she does this, she can avoid being so deeply hurt again.

My relationship with God is far from immune to these wounds. I find it difficult to believe that God is good and trustworthy, that He will actually show up in my life, and that He will do what is good for me. I’m sure that many of my no’s are motivated by my fear and self-reliance. And as for my yes’s? Well, I know they aren’t all free decisions (though some are), and I’m still working on learning what’s behind them.

Like I said, arriving at a place of freedom takes a long, hard road. If you’re on that road, too, at least know that you aren’t alone.

God Always Respects Our Freedom, Even When Others Don’t

I haven’t yet addressed the elephant in the room: What if our response isn’t respected? What if someone isn’t looking for our free response, but rather a certain response – one that they want? Or, what if they don’t ask us at all?

Tragically, we know that these situations happen too often. Our no is ignored, belittled, violated, or twisted – or we’re coerced into saying yes before we can even utter “no.” This happens in smaller and greater ways, in lighter and graver matters.

I think of loved ones who are trying to forge their own path after growing up in a dysfunctional family, and whose family members won’t respect their new boundaries. I think of loved ones who have left manipulative relationships, whose partners belittled their needs and almost always acted in self-interest. I think of loved ones who have survived sexual assault, how their freedom to choose was of no concern to the person who harmed them.

If any of that has been your experience, I’m so sorry that you’ve been harmed in that way. It wasn’t right. If I may, I’d like to invite you to reflect on God’s respect for not just Mary’s free will, but also for our own.

The truth is, God didn’t just respect Mary’s free will; He respects ours, too, even the rest of us who weren’t conceived without sin. He created us with free will so that our yes to Him could be free, too. In doing so, God took a risk because He knew that we would often choose something other than Him.

Why take that risk? Simply put, so that we would have the opportunity to enter into a truly loving relationship with Him. Love can’t be coerced or forced; it has to be chosen. Having free will means that we have “the power … to act or not to act” because it’s “[b]y free will [that] one shapes one’s own life.” Our free will is part of our dignity as human beings, and God respects every ounce of our dignity.

Mary shows us what our free will is for: to choose everything that is good for others and ourselves, the fullness of which is God. The more we break free from the chains that bind us – the chains of fear, people-pleasing, self-reliance, addiction, or whatever else – the more freedom we have to embrace what is good. In order to give us that choice, God leaves open every other option, but He finds it worth the risk.

This year, as we celebrate the Immaculate Conception, I pray God will lead all of us into greater freedom.

Church teaching

Mary

Mental Health

Dear Alana: Processing the Podcast