When we were little girls, we dreamt. We dreamt of who we would become when we grew up (Britney Spears and a teacher for me!). If we grew up Catholic, we dreamt of going to Heaven and meeting the saints. Our hearts were open and hopeful and, for many of us, that openness and hope elicited dreams of romantic relationships and family life. (M.A.S.H., anyone?) But when we experience childhood wounds, our dreams darken or become distorted. Instead of being led by hearts full of hope, we are often led by hearts deeply wounded. And our wounds are powerful – so powerful that, when we enter adulthood and start dating, we bring our wounds and unmet needs into our experiences. Because of this, if we lack any tools, language, or understanding of how to heal or even recognize these wounds, then we often end up hurting ourselves and others.

Childhood Wounds Come Not Only From the Bad, But Also From the Absence of Good

Our wounds not only tell the story of how we have experienced something bad, but also how we have been deprived of something good.

In childhood, there are many “goods” we need to form a healthy sense of self and have the safety to continue dreaming: protection, pursuit, attunement, genuine repair, healthy boundaries, physical affection, security, emotional regulation, rest, play, and nurture.

When any of those goods are absent from our childhood, that absence is stored in our body and, as a result, we are forced to self-protect and self-rely in unhealthy ways. From this place of defense, we might convince ourselves that we are better off without what we desire most. We distance ourselves from our dreams and, over time, we stop dreaming altogether. Or, instead of letting go of the dream, we might obsess over it. We control, grasp, and cling to it. We do everything we can to get what we desire most, in our own way and on our own terms. We turn the dream into our God.

Even though this happened during childhood, the wounds, unmet needs, and absences or distortions of our dreams follow us into adulthood – including our dating lives.

How Childhood Wounds Might Show Up in Dating Life

When I first started dating, I thought I was self-aware (as self-aware as you can possibly be at fifteen). My heart was open and I dreamed of meeting a man who shared my values and beliefs, having children, and developing a life free from the hardships I endured as a child.

My first boyfriend shared similar dreams and, as two bright-eyed teenagers full of hope, we dated with integrity – or so I thought.

What I didn’t realize was that dating with integrity can only reach the same extent as our healing and wholeness have; and, at the time, I didn’t even know I was wounded. So when my first boyfriend went from being the person whom I saw myself marrying to the person who betrayed my trust and shattered my heart, I was beyond devastated and confused. My wounds burst through the seams of my carefully curated veneer of a self, and I was left completely broken.

Suddenly, I couldn’t dream anymore. Everything went dark and, without the light of that little girl within me, my subsequent dating was motivated by anger, disappointment, hopelessness, control, resentment, and an obsession with retribution, the happily ever after that would make the hurt all better.

Here is what ended up happening in my dating experiences:

I never felt like enough, and I often felt like I had to prove my worthiness. I hid my imperfections and, if they did come out, I blamed others for them. I abandoned my interests, passions, hopes, and desires to make room for another’s. I changed myself to appear more like what I thought men wanted.

I often found myself overthinking and anxiously calculating. I could not be fully present and experience what was happening in my body. In my failure to listen to my body, I could not listen to my gut feeling.

I was incongruous, often saying things that did not align with my actions. I tried to change people to meet what I desired most (making men into my own image).

I had very few boundaries, and the ones I did have, I let be crossed. I could not articulate my needs, wants, or feelings. I had low standards and then felt like a bad person or unworthy if I tried to raise them.

I made excuses for mistreatment and disrespect. I overlooked red flags like emotional unavailability and immaturity; self-reliance and isolation; lack of empathy and respect; lack of follow-through, discipline, and consistency; lack of genuine repair; love bombing; jealousy; dishonesty; victimizing; controlling behavior and manipulation.

And I prayed novena after novena for a good man, without doing the work to make myself a good woman to receive a good man – and to even know what that looks like. I prayed by doing a lot of talking, but not really listening to the voice of God.

Healing from Childhood Wounds Gives Us More Freedom in Dating

Our brains and bodies are designed to help us adapt and survive after we experience deep wounding, especially wounding that is left untended and even triggered throughout our lives.

When we lack the skills, tools, and support to enter into the depths of our wounds and heal, we inevitably have to rely on the ways we learned to protect ourselves in childhood.

Given this, our inability to have an open heart and dream big – to dream of a dating experience and relationship where we are respected, cherished, free, heard, seen, pursued, and authentically give of ourselves to another – makes sense.

For how can we dream of something more for ourselves when our bodies and minds tell us, “People aren’t safe,” or “I’m not worthy,” or “I’m too broken,” or “I don’t deserve more,” or “This is the best I’m going to get,” or “Stop hoping, you’re just going to be disappointed”?

When we know better – cognitively and through our felt senses – we do better, and unfortunately, when we’re dating with unprocessed wounds, we really don’t know better. In order to heal from our childhood wounds and show up more authentically in our dating lives, we need to first enter into those wounds with compassion. We need to process the pain that distorted our vision and darkened our hope. We need to rediscover who we truly are and what it means to live securely. 

We also need to dare to dream again. We need to dare to imagine a life where we don’t settle and where we value ourselves. When we do this, we can enter dating securely, honestly, and with integration. We can start trusting God with our entire lives. We can stop getting in the way of God’s plan and surrender our unhealthy self-protection. We can believe in our own goodness, the goodness of God, and the goodness of others.

As we open ourselves to letting God heal our wounds and as we start dreaming again from a place of hope and freedom, we will experience a much healthier dating experience.

Small Steps Towards Healing and Freedom in Dating

Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but rather through daily acts of faith, trust, and fidelity to whatever is being asked of us in the moment. It gradually happens as we examine our interior world and become more curious while dating. We do this by asking ourselves questions like:

What am I feeling in my body while talking to this person? What do I feel in my body when I am not talking to this person?

What are my values? What are my boundaries? What am I willing to compromise on? What am I not willing to compromise on?

What will help me heal? What are my unmet needs? Will this person help me to receive those needs?

Is the person in a place of regulation and integration, or are they operating from a place of woundedness and self-protection? Am I operating from a place of woundedness and self-protection?

As we practice this, we can trust that our honesty with ourselves and with others will propel us towards a life where our wounds do not sabotage our dating experiences, and where we are free to co-create a life that honors who we were created to be and the dreams we hold inside.

‍Author’s Note: Never played M.A.S.H? For funsies, let’s play together. Here are the instructions; tag me @bryahananlmft and @femcatholic with the results in your story. Happy dreaming!

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