Few phrases bring more consternation within Catholic circles than “marital debt.” If you’ve heard this phrase, it’s likely from someone on the Internet claiming that a wife is required to provide on-demand sex to her husband on pain of mortal sin, regardless of her desires or feelings. This person may even quote Scripture while making this claim. Before going any further, it is important to state unequivocally that what I just described is not a teaching of the Catholic Church, and is in fact sexual coercion.

Pope Paul Paul VI asserts this definitively in Humanae Vitae when he writes: 

"Men rightly observe that a conjugal act imposed on one's partner without regard to his or her condition or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the moral order in its particular application to the intimate relationship of husband and wife." (13)

I hope that this is all you need to hear to put you at ease. But for a more in-depth and nuanced discussion of the so-called “marital debt,” please read on.

Where the Term “Marital Debt” Came From

While the term “marital debt” does not appear anywhere in the Catholic Catechism, it does make an important appearance in the Summa Theologica. St. Thomas Aquinas devotes an entire section to the concept of marital debt, taking a maximalist stance that it is a sin to reject sexual advances from your spouse in almost every circumstance. He states:

"As the slave is in the power of his master, so is one spouse in the power of the other (1 Corinthians 7:4). But a slave is bound by an obligation of precept to pay his master the debt of his service according to Romans 13:7, 'Render . . . to all men their dues, tribute to whom tribute is due,' etc. Therefore husband and wife are mutually bound to the payment of the marriage debt." (“Of the Things Annexed to Marriage, and First of the Payment of the Marriage Debt.” ST Suppl. IIIae, Q. 64, A.1.)

We need to remember that the Summa Theologica is not an infallible text, nor is it Scripture. As Catholics, we do not base any moral teaching on a single text, but rather apply prudence and reason to the totality of Tradition and Scripture. (For more discussion of this, see the First Vatican Council’s Dogmatic Constitution on the Catholic Faith, chapter 2, article 9, speaking of the “unanimous consent of the fathers” rather than any individual opinion.)

Since the days of St. Thomas Aquinas, numerous theological writings of high authority have provided clarity and context on marital debt.

So-Called Marital Debt in St. Paul’s Letter to the Corinthians

Before diving into these writings, let’s turn to Scripture. Proponents of a hard-line stance on marital debt often cite St. Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians, so it’s worthwhile to start there:

"The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband. A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control." (1 Cor 7:3-5)

Everything St. Paul has written here is unequivocally true. In marriage, husband and wife become "one flesh" (Mt 19:6). As a living symbol of the union of Christ and His Church, we give ourselves body and soul to our spouses. In his letter to the Ephesians, St. Paul exhorts wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to “love their wives even as Christ loved the Church” (Eph 5:25). Taken in conjunction with these commands, it would be strange indeed for spouses to treat each other as depositories in which to discharge their sexual urges. (Notably, 1 Cor 7:3 is sometimes translated as “the husband should render his debt to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband,” but I chose to reproduce the translation preferred by the USCCB. Nevertheless, the same interpretation stands.)

At the same time, it is clear that spouses must not deprive each other of sexual joy. Nothing in St. Paul’s text implies that, by sexual deprivation, he is referring to a single night or a handful of nights. Common sense holds that no man or woman will be driven to immorality because their spouse requested that sex be rescheduled for the weekend or a later date. On the contrary, both spouses might choose to do just that for their spiritual betterment. 

The True Marital Debt

If St. Paul’s teaching remains unclear, we have recourse to the Catholic Church’s teaching authority for context and analysis. The best articulation of the Church’s true stance on marital debt can be found in a beautiful passage from Pope St. John Paul II’s Familiaris Consortio:

"Consequently, sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is by no means something purely biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and a woman commit themselves totally to one another until death. The total physical self-giving would be a lie if it were not the sign and fruit of a total personal self-giving, in which the whole person, including the temporal dimension, is present: if the person were to withhold something or reserve the possibility of deciding otherwise in the future, by this very fact he or she would not be giving totally." (11)

In summary, the true marital debt is the command to give yourself to your spouse totally and wholly, physically and spiritually, exclusively, and for life. This is a mutual self-giving, done out of pure, life-giving love. It has nothing to do with coercion, fear, unbridled lust, or threats of infidelity.

God, and by extension the Church, desires us to have marriages that are spiritually, emotionally, and sexually fruitful to honor and glorify Him. He desires us to experience pleasure and joy in our sex lives for as long as we are physically able, ideally our entire lives. This has nothing to do with a crass demand to sexually service your spouse on a specific night simply because they are in the mood, or with a specific cadence, even if they are audacious enough to quote St. Paul while demanding it.

The Importance of Sexual Joy in Marriage

The Catechism uses language almost identical to that of Pope St. John Paul II to describe marital obligations. It also goes on to stress the importance of pleasure within a marriage: 

"The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude. Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure…" (2362)

If sexual intimacy is meant to be a place of joy and pleasure, our physical state plays an important role. Those who dismiss the complaint of a woman who is “too tired” for sex fail to comprehend that the female body is unlikely to experience sexual pleasure in a state of exhaustion. If a woman is in such a state, the couple should reasonably and mutually agree to delay sex. However, if a woman is constantly too exhausted for sex, the couple owes it to each other to address this issue: Why are her levels of exhaustion so deep? What can be done to support her well? How can we return to each other in love as a married couple?

Even further, how many Catholics talk about sex often fails to reflect women's real experiences. Couples need to explore the deeper issues that could be at play in their intimate life, including sex being uncomfortable for her, a lack of intimacy due to her struggles with masturbation, or her fears of becoming pregnant before she feels fully capable to carry another child.

We know from human experience that sexless marriages are painful. A marriage without sexual love, without the physical recreation of the mystery of God’s union with the Church, is a true cross. St. Paul understood this and so did St. Thomas Aquinas. Later popes expanded on the subject to provide clarity. When fallow periods arise in our marriages, we must turn back to our spouse in love and curiosity. Christ never abandons the Church, and we should never abandon our spouses. That is the debt we owe to love.

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