Do you ever get the feeling that everyone else around you knows the script, but you’re left in the dark, trying to catch up? Do you ask yourself, “How does everyone else seem to be so sure about their life’s purpose?” Do you want to learn how to be more confident about living your life and making good things happen? If you answered, “Yes,” to any of those questions, we have a book recommendation for you!

Therapist Julia Hogan Werner, LCPC opens her new book A Work in Progress: Embracing the Life God Gave You with these questions. This book helps readers uncover ways to find meaning in their lives as they tackle the challenges of young adulthood, navigate what feels like constant change, and face the ever-present questions about identity, goals, and their purpose in life.

With its supportive tone and relatable advice, reading A Work in Progress feels like you’re sitting at the table with your sister or good friend who is just a few steps ahead of you in life and really listening to your struggles. She offers you suggestions based on her own lived experience that not only seem realistic, but also feel attainable.

Throughout the book, Hogan Werner provides strategies that serve as tools for getting to know yourself better, which makes it easier to navigate life and uncover your own skills, gifts, and calling from God. She shares her own experiences and those of her clients to illustrate the lessons she’s learned and how to approach these moments of being overwhelmed or having self-doubt.

At the end of each chapter, she provides questions to guide further reflection about how each concept relates to your own experience, plus a tangible action item that can help you implement the new strategy. Overall, A Work in Progress will help you “develop new habits of thinking and acting and living each day that will empower you to live your life freely and claim it with purpose” (134).

Here are three main takeaways from the book:

1. Finding Your Purpose in Life Begins with Knowing Yourself

Who are you? It’s a question that can make a lot of us uncomfortable, yet one that we should be able to answer easily. Werner Hogan sympathizes with this struggle and attributes it to the voice of “false friends”: those stories that we or others tell about who we are, what we can and can’t do, what our imperfections are, and the expectations others place on us. She argues that these “false friends” are consistently burying our true identity and obscuring our worth. 

Our worth is ultimately immeasurable because it is rooted in the image of God that He has placed in every human being. The best work we can do on ourselves is to truly believe that God loves us into being and has made us each a unique and unrepeatable person with particular gifts, talents, and skills that we can use to better the world. In the words of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, “Each of us is willed, each of us is loved, each of us is necessary.”

A strategy the book offers for understanding who we are is to determine what our values and expectations are. Our values, Julia writes, “signify to us…what qualities we use to measure our own worth and the worth of others” (33). When we truly dig into our values, it will set our priorities and expectations, providing a meaningful purpose to what we do.

Then, we are better able to know what direction to head in, what decisions are good for us right now, and what boundaries we need to set to be able to focus on our goals.

2. Take a Balanced Approach to Decision Making

Decisions are hard. Decisions are even harder when we’re not sure what we want or where we are heading. Julia’s balanced approach to decision making provides guidelines that take into account everything from your feelings about a decision to its impact on your life and future.

She challenges her readers to observe, reflect, and then decide. As she outlines this process, she explains why each step is important and sets one up to respond rather than react when decisions need to be made. Rather than focusing on making the “right” decision, this process helps you reach the best decision that aligns with who you are and what you value. By following this process, you can approach decision making in a way that is neither apathetic nor controlling.

3. Remember that Finding Your Purpose in Life is a Process, Not a Moment

An overarching theme of Work in Progress is that building a meaningful life is a process, not a moment. In a hustle culture that declares that we’ve arrived when we have a certain amount of wealth, power, or popularity, the process can feel like a rat race rather than a source of learning.

Hogan Werner often suggests setting aside time for reflection and she encourages making thoughtful choices along the way, which requires time to think. Whether setting boundaries, quieting the voice of “false friends,” or working on self-care, these strategies ask the reader to take time, to find pockets of rest, and to reflect, so that embracing the life that God gave us and finding purpose is a cycle of growth rather than a race to the finish line.

Hogan Werner advises that “instead of living reactively, feeling like you are perpetually late to the game, you can take an active role in shaping the trajectory of the life God has given to you – and you can do this without figuring it all out first” (14).

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‍A Work in Progress is available on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble.

A few years ago, I was interviewed by a popular Catholic podcaster. I had prayed about the message I was going to share and I was excited about our conversation because of the many ways my faith had transformed my life. I had envisioned all the ways that my story, as an immigrant to the United States, could help others. I couldn’t wait for the interview to air – but to my disappointment, weeks passed without a word from the interviewer. The self-doubt began to creep in. “Was my message not good enough? Was my story unworthy of sharing?”

When I reached out a year later, the podcaster had actually forgotten who I was and that our interview had even taken place.

It can be discouraging to share yourself and your story, only to be forgotten. Instead of sitting around and waiting for things to change, I decided I was going to take greater ownership of telling my story and advocating for myself.

If you ever face a similar experience, here are some tips on how to find your voice.

Remember that you are worthy

As a woman of color who is also a trauma survivor, I’ve often felt defeated by attempts to speak up in the workplace or share my story. Experiences like the above confirmed my body’s urge to self-protect. My brain has often, in the past, offered me thoughts like, “Why should I speak up if previous attempts left me feeling ignored or pushed aside?” 

It can be easy to give in to the temptation to hide your opinion or not speak up for fear of rejection, especially when society as a whole has a long way to go in truly seeing women of color as leaders.

Since my own body was still healing from traumatic experiences, I knew I also had ongoing internal work to do (and for God to help me through).

I remember at some point trying to say affirmations like “I am worthy,” and I realized that it was not working for me. Trauma is stored in the body, and so I needed more than simple cognitive practices to overcome deeper insecurities around honoring my voice and speaking up.

Surrounding myself with safe and secure people, licensed mental health professionals, and giving myself permission to rest instead of hustling to prove my worth were practices that helped me remember my worthiness. Over time, I unlearned the fear responses to being ignored or not being accepted that I held for so long.

We can remember we are worthy when we surround ourselves with people who remind us that we are made in the image and likeness of God and mirror this back to us, especially during moments when we can’t believe it ourselves.

Understand your story

What prevents us from speaking up is often a lack of understanding where this fear even comes from.

Is it fear of rejection? Fear of being misunderstood? Are you constantly feeling unwelcome or out of place in your work environment?

Whatever the case may be, pray for self-knowledge and so that you can give God permission to heal wherever it is you need healing.

This is a critical prerequisite to the next step. In order to speak up for ourselves from a self-honoring place instead of from a place of wounded-ness, we need to realize that we can honor ourselves and the other person at the same time.

Be assertive

Speaking up for ourselves takes courage because it can feel vulnerable. If you’re used to not speaking up for yourself, being assertive will take practice. You may want to practice speaking assertively to people you feel safe with or practice speaking up for yourself in writing.

Speaking assertively is possible when we use relational awareness: honoring ourselves, the other person, and the relationship all at the same time.

When we speak up, we take ourselves seriously and we take our audience seriously.  Such a level of respect is a building block for positive relationships at work and beyond.

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Author’s Note: Women of color are not a monolith and experiences will vary from person to person. This is my personal experience.

On May 2, a draft of the Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v. Wade was leaked to the media, igniting a firestorm of reactions across the United States. 

In the United States, nearly 1 in 4 women have had an abortion, so the topic of its legality is an immensely personal one. FemCatholic is hosting an opportunity to process the news together on May 5th at 8pm CST / 9pm EST. 

Watch the recording here.

Expert Panel

Rebecca Christian, CPD, CLEC is a writer, doula, and lactation counselor living in Los Angeles, CA. She loves all things related to filmmaking, birth, and wellness. Having served over 150 families since 2016, she has walked with women facing every type of reproductive health outcome, and is especially passionate about improving maternal health disparities, empowering women’s healthcare decisions, and building a culture of life rooted in reproductive justice. Her doula practice can be found at Fiatdoulaservices.com.

Leticia Ochoa Adams is a 43 year old wife, mother, grandmother and lover of her family’s three pit bulls. She is a born and raised Texan. She is Hispanic, Catholic, Whole Life, anti-racist and is dedicated to helping people make space in their lives for their own grief or for the grief of those they love. She speaks and writes on parenting, her Catholic faith, learning how to process childhood trauma and suicide loss. She lived the worst day of her life the day that her oldest son Anthony died by suicide, and honors his life by telling people about him and helping others who have also suffered a huge loss. Because she has lived that day and survived, she is no longer scared of anything except not showing up as her full self. You can find out more about her at leticiaoadams.com.

Leah Libresco Sargeant is the author of Arriving at Amen and Building the Benedict Option. She runs the substack Other Feminisms, which is focused on the dignity of mutual dependence.

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We’re thrilled to announce the return of #FemCatholicBookClub! 

In June we will be reading “Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky, the bestselling book that PopSugar called “A must read for every busy woman out there.”

Fair Play gives voice to the often invisible load women carry at home, a load that exploded during the pandemic and contributed to millions of women leaving the workforce entirely. 

Millennial women have more degrees than any generation before them, and many eagerly pursue careers only to hit what some have called the “maternal wall” - this phenomenon where, after having kids, women suddenly drop far below men in career advancement, earnings, and even free time. 

Catholic women in particular face many cultural ideals about marriage and motherhood, which further complicates the search for what is “good” - for women, their families, and for society at large. 

Whether you are wondering what to ask your boyfriend to ensure you’re on the same page long term, drowning in the trenches of a dual-working-parent household, or just passionate about understanding the cultural and economic systems that keep women back from their full potential, this book is for you. 

Join FemCatholic Book Club with an All Access Pass

Join the book club for weekly discussion questions, a network of women inside our Mighty Network community, and a live Zoom panel discussion at the end of the month. 

FemCatholic Book Club is part of the FemCatholic All Access Pass Membership. 

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Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars, and in a moment of frenzied television, the entire world was activated. From #arrestWillSmith trending on Twitter, to videos on TikTok outraged about Chris Rock’s mockery of Jada Pinkett Smith, it seems everyone has an opinion. However, few people are talking about the context in which the Oscars slap happened.

Racism and Black Women’s Hair

Chris Rock has insulted Jada Pinkett Smith at the Oscars before. He made a demeaning and misogynistic joke about her in 2016. His recent joke about G.I. Jane 2 mocked Jada for not having hair, which is because of a medical condition. Jada has been vocal about the pain of that medical condition.

Black women have a complicated relationship with their hair. For decades, they’ve been held to the White standard of beauty of having long, straight hair, and have been subject to intense chemical processes to adhere to that standard. Those who wore their hair in natural styles like afros – or specifically Black styles like cornrows, dreadlocks and Bantu knots – are often seen as unprofessional or unfeminine. Some Black women have lost their jobs because they chose to wear their hair as it grows from their heads, as God intended. 

Chris Rock knows all about this because he has two daughters and made a great documentary on the subject called Good Hair. He interviewed a woman with alopecia for the film, and he listened attentively as she described the challenges of being viewed as less feminine because she was bald.

This is why so many women, especially Black women, took offense to Chris Rock’s joke. The four-second joke had several complex layers where race and gender intersect, and those layers can be hard to understand if you haven’t lived with this dynamic. 

Mocking Jada Pinkett Smith’s Career

In addition to mocking her hair, though, Chris Rock also demeaned Jada for her career. He had just been talking about Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz, and how they were both up for Oscars. The joke about Jada started with saying that Will Smith had to win, so that Bardem and Cruz would not fight that night. To joke about maybe seeing her in G.I. Jane 2 was a barbed insult at her career at an event that celebrates that career.

It was a grave discriminatory joke against her as a woman, as an actress, and as someone with a medical condition. As the closest person to her, Will Smith must know the pain she endures at not being at that point in her career yet, and at not getting to have fancy hair for the night. I cannot imagine the depth of pain to be at what should have been the greatest night of his career, only to see his wife mistreated in this way. 

Making Fun of a Medical Condition

Women, People of Color, and people with disabilities or serious medical conditions have endured centuries of cruel treatment. Jada Pinkett Smith is at the intersection of all three of those minorities. She has been very open about her diagnosis and has spoken about it with dignity and grace, and it’s a shame that Chris Rock didn’t treat her with that same dignity and grace.

Will Smith’s Righteous Anger

Much of the world can relate to feeling like injustice always wins. What Chris Rock did was wrong, and it doesn’t justify Will Smith’s actions. At the same time, Will Smith’s anger and grief speak to the powerlessness felt by so many. The strength that victims of bullying and cruel treatment are asked to uphold is unreasonable.

It is completely okay to feel righteous anger, as Scripture says, “Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness” (Matthew 5:6). Jesus himself spoke out against the wrongdoing of others, mourned when people were mistreated, and explained better options to leaders who were hurting others – but Jesus drew the line at violence. We must remember that on the Cross, in the hour of his greatest agony, Jesus never lashed out against his persecutors. Rather, he prayed for them.

Will Smith acknowledged that his actions were wrong and spoke about his own spiritual fight. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we can acknowledge the hurt behind those actions in order to support him and others in finding constructive ways to create change.

How Should We Respond to Anger?

It is the imperative of our faith that we bring God’s love and mercy to the world, so let’s take the rest of Easter as a time to see those in our world who are suffering and comfort them. Let us set boundaries that create safety for others and ourselves. Let us expect and even demand better from our celebrities and our own communities. Let us be examples of God’s love to the world.

And let’s pray for Will and Jada Pinkett Smith – and Chris Rock too – for healing and for true peace that respects the vulnerable. 

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Luana Lienhart, OFS, is a Secular Franciscan, and holds a Master of Social Work and Master of Arts in Pastoral Studies from Loyola University Chicago. She has worked in social services and ministry in varied settings in the Chicago-Metro area, and is an adjunct instructor at DePaul University.

Julia O’Donnell hosts a TikTok community for those struggling with deconstruction and religious trauma and who still believe in God and want a relationship with Him. You can find her @byjuliaodonnell on all platforms.

The self-help genre sometimes gets a bad rap for generic advice, celebrities with out-of-touch perspectives, or promises of gimmicky “quick fixes.” But every once in a while, a real gem comes along that’s worth reading. When I find one of these gems, I add it to my rotation of most recommended books for my psychotherapy clients. Here are the seven best self-help books that I reach for and recommend to my clients time and time again.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk, M.D.

One of the unfortunate misconceptions about mental and emotional health is that it’s “all in your head,” meaning you should be able to think your way out of any problem you face. This can look like telling someone with anxiety to “worry less” or someone with depression to “smile more.” This can also look like embracing a toxic-positivity way of thinking.

The Body Keeps the Score pokes holes in these misconceptions until they resemble Swiss cheese. The book is all about the brain and body connection, how we store memories in general, how we store traumatic memories, and how healing from trauma involves both mind and body practices. Dr. Van der Kolk weaves his own findings with other research and provides incredible insight into how our brains and bodies work together.

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

While boundaries are a crucial component of all healthy relationships, few people know why they are crucial or how to set them effectively. This leaves us wondering why we feel taken advantage of by others or feeling perpetually exhausted trying to protect our time and energy.

Boundaries is a valuable resource because it explains why boundaries matter and how to set them confidently and effectively. If you’ve been curious about learning more about boundaries and how to set them, this book is for you.

Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend 

If you often find yourself in relationships (family, friend, romantic, work-related, etc.) where you feel like you are giving more to the point of feeling taken advantage of, Safe People is for you.

The authors explore the qualities in ourselves that leave us vulnerable to being in imbalanced relationships, as well as the qualities in others to watch out for. I recommend this book to anyone who describes themselves as a people-pleaser or codependent. It provides invaluable insight and practical tips for helping you to cultivate healthy relationships with yourself and others.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, PhD

This book is for anyone who would describe themselves as a perfectionist. Perfectionistic thinking comes from setting the expectation that being perfect makes us worthy of love from ourselves and others. The trouble with this way of thinking is that we will always be disappointed because making mistakes is part of being human.

The Gifts of Imperfection sheds light on the value that comes from recognizing our imperfections and seeing them not as reasons why we fail at being perfect, but rather as avenues for growth and healing. It’s a refreshing perspective. 

The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD and Nan Silver

Gottman’s claim to fame in the world of pop psychology is that he can predict whether a couple will stay together or break up after observing their interactions for just a few minutes. But this book offers so much more than avoiding the four traits that most often predict divorce (called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”).

The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work is research-based, and full of exercises, related scenarios, and helpful insights. It offers a practical approach to solving the most common conflicts among couples and presents a unique, helpful take on how to make effective compromises. This book is hands down my most-recommended book on the topic of relationships.

Your Blue Flame by Jennifer Fulwiler

Not only is Fulwiler a great comedian, she is also the author of Your Blue Flame, which I recommend to anyone who is struggling to find a sense of purpose in their current circumstances. Too often, we equate living a meaningful life with one that is full of achieving milestones – so when our lives feel very “ordinary,” it can be hard to feel a sense of purpose with this mindset.

Your Blue Flame presents a unique approach to finding meaning, which Fulwiler calls your “blue flame” – and which can be found in the most ordinary of circumstances. 

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts by Sally M Winston, PsyD and Martin N. Seif, PhD

Anxiety is one of the most common mental health conditions in the U.S., and intrusive thoughts are one of its many distressing symptoms. This book came highly recommended to me by several other therapists and I’ve heard very positive feedback from my clients who have read it.

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts walks you through the different types of intrusive thoughts and offers several practical strategies for coping with them. If you or someone you know struggles with anxiety, this book would be a great way to learn more.

You’re sitting in a team meeting with your boss, who introduces a new project or idea. And you disagree with it – strongly, even. How do you professionally disagree with your boss without getting fired?

When managing conflict and a disagreement with your boss, here are eight steps to consider:

1. Think about where your boss might be coming from.

Try to understand why your boss came up with that specific idea and put yourself in their shoes. One helpful question to ask is, “What’s the intention and motive behind this?” If you still disagree, try to visualize why other ideas may not have worked as well.

2. Check yourself and think about where you’re coming from.

Take a moment to think about your current mood and where you might be coming from. A person's mental and emotional state can influence their thinking process, choices, and what they agree or disagree with.

Checking ourselves can help us make sure that something else isn’t negatively impacting our judgment in the workplace. It’s important to remain calm and respectful while voicing concern, especially with our supervisor.

3. Find an appropriate setting.

Where you confront your boss plays a considerable role in how he or she will react to what you have to say. A private setting can optimize focus and increase exchanges of ideas and openness for all parties. After all, Jesus tells us, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.” While disagreement is not necessarily rooted in sin, public confrontation can lead to your boss shutting down or damage your rapport.

4. Find an appropriate time.

Timing is everything. Ask your boss if it’s a good time to talk. When managing conflicting ideas, it’s important that both people are able to receive and listen to what the other has to say. If your boss seems stressed or busy, your message might not be well received. 

Remember that bosses are human too, and they might not always be ready to take in criticism.

5. Keep your history with your boss in mind.

How you approach your boss depends on the type of relationship you have with him or her. If you have a history of disagreeing or arguing with your boss, the way a new disagreement is delivered will matter even more. If you haven’t spoken much with your boss, though, building rapport before voicing disagreement could be vital.

6. Be well prepared.

Take the time to do any research you need to so you can explain the full scope of your disagreement. And if you’re an expert in your field, your years of experience will give you a gut feeling when something isn’t right. Trust your instincts.

7. Be bold – but avoid pointing fingers.

Stating what you believe – especially if you disagree with a superior – takes courage. Be bold in stating your opinion, but also be respectful. Being accusatory or judgmental doesn’t help.

8. Accept the outcome.

You did it – you talked to your boss and voiced your disagreement. Good work! Now, take some time to think about the outcome of your conversation. Whether your boss understood your perspective or not, try to accept the outcome and learn from the experience.

Approaching disagreement is an art. Depending on how we see it, disagreement can be a great opportunity to explore new ideas, go outside of our comfort zone, and explore the workplace from new lenses.

I never believed the Supreme Court would overturn Roe v. Wade. As a Catholic and a lawyer, I felt the decision was fortified by legal precedent, and that even Catholic justices would hesitate to dispatch it for that reason. When news broke on Tuesday that a preliminary Supreme Court opinion portended the end of Roe v. Wade, I was astonished and, like many other Catholic women, I experienced mixed feelings.

Jennifer Worth, the devout Christian whose memoirs served as the basis for the BBC series Call the Midwife, worked for years as a midwife in the impoverished East End of post-World War II London. While Worth was strongly opposed to euthanasia, she said of abortion, “I did not regard it as a moral issue, but as a medical issue. A minority of women will always want an abortion. Therefore it must be done properly.” Indeed, Worth witnessed the consequences of legal restrictions on abortion—women with eight or nine children who nearly hemorrhaged to death after attempting at-home abortions, for example, or young women who attempted home abortions, then had emergency hysterectomies–and risked imprisonment–after being seduced by predatory men. As a woman and as a Christian, I cannot ignore Worth’s perspective.

It’s not only Jennifer Worth who influenced my opinions. A favorite law school professor—who was among the first female law clerks on the Supreme Court—concluded one of my Constitutional law classes by describing how a friend in her undergraduate dormitory woke her up, saying a girl was bleeding to death in the bathroom after performing an abortion on herself, and nobody knew what to do. My professor, who was known as a leader among her peers even then, risked being expelled from school by driving this young woman to the hospital. If it were not for the discretion of the doctors there, both the young woman who nearly bled to death and my law professor could have faced prosecution. My professor’s lived experience affected my perspective on abortion more than any theoretical precepts could.

And yet I am Catholic, and the position of the Catholic Church on abortion is not negotiable. The Church position on abortion is a piece of a comprehensive whole-life ethic that protects human life from natural conception and natural death. While this pro-life ethic has extensive consequences for Catholics, it’s eminently reasonable, and it justifies many of the Church’s other teachings, including its positions on chastity, in-vitro fertilization, and contraception. Catholics are defined—and always have been—by their radical commitment to the sanctity of human life. I’ve tried rejecting the Church’s staunch moral opposition to abortion while accepting the other teachings of the magisterium, but it’s logically untenable. The Church position on abortion is core to the faith, and it informs many other aspects of Catholicism.

So how to reconcile the lived experience of my heroes with the teachings of the Church I love? The recent news about Roe has forced me to try.

I have concluded that, while I agree with stronger legal limitations on abortion than Roe permits, I cannot celebrate the end of Roe because our culture denigrates parenthood and treats healthcare as a luxury good. As many others have stated, wealthy women will never want for abortions. If necessary, they will travel to obtain them. Any ban on abortion will effectively present a financial rather than total bar to the procedure. It is also true that Margaret Sanger and other prominent abortion proponents encouraged abortion for eugenic purposes, lending the institution of American abortion a terrible legacy. Nevertheless, the fact this development will mostly affect the poor and vulnerable should trouble every Catholic mind. 

A priest on the Call the Midwife television series said to a young, fictionalized Jennifer Worth, “Poverty isn't bad housing, dirty clothing, families of ten…It's never having been loved, or even respected. Not knowing the difference between love and abuse, a kiss that wasn't down payment on a blow.”

Now that Roe may end, it is time for all of us to consider the weight of those words–and the weight of our responsibilities in light of them.

FemCatholic is excited to share with you this excerpt from Rewilding Motherhood by Shannon K. Evans.

Rewilding Motherhood

One of the greatest social myths of our day is that a woman can be totally fulfilled by motherhood. This is reiterated to us in many ways and through many voices: media, religious institutions, nostalgic family members (or sometimes, total strangers), perhaps our own lifelong yearning for children or battle with infertility. By the time we hold our first child in our arms, however they come to us, most of us have taken in the narrative hook, line, and sinker. Behold, universe: I am a mother. I shall henceforth want for nothing.

It’s a compelling idea. The trouble is, I know no real woman who can honestly say this has matched her experience. I’m lucky to know many women who are incredible mothers and who are doing that mothering in incredibly different styles and circumstances. I have yet to meet one who desires nothing for herself beyond motherhood.

As someone who has wanted to be a mother since before I even menstruated, I can say that parenting my five children has exceeded my wildest dreams. My kids are incredible, but they did not arrive in tidy packages and suddenly deliver me from all personal desires and interests. My sons and daughter make my life more meaningful, but they do not exist to give my life meaning.

Mothers are fantastic at berating themselves for not being “content.” This discontent, we are certain, is indicative of spiritual immaturity, or ungratefulness, or cultivating a bad, worldly attitude. But what if contentment is not the point? What if the idol of contentment actually holds us back from something greater? What if the idea of total contentment through motherhood is simply a bill of goods we’ve been sold?

Most mothers are not content; they are hungry—hungry for a deeper spiritual life, hungry for inner healing, hungry for intimate friendships, hungry for more of themselves. Yet we are immersed in a society that has always told us the hunger of women is bad. Dangerous. Undesirable. We have been indoctrinated in every possible way to believe that our hunger will make us too big, too indelicate, too uncomfortable to be around. Here, have this small salad and be satisfied. Here, have this small life and be content.

We long to follow that gnawing hunger, that instinctual knowing that tells us there is yet more transformation to lay hold of. But there never seems to be enough time for that sort of thing. After all, there are mouths to feed, appointments to keep, games to attend, baths to give. The work of her soul is never the most imminent need in a mother’s line of vision. There is always something else to be done first.

That motherhood leaves a small margin for personal time is a reality no one would deny. But there is a greater reality available to us, one in which the spiritual vibrancy we seek is actually realized by examining more deeply the very things we are already doing. The limitations on a mother’s time are real, but the rhythms of that burdened time can serve the life of our soul, not diminish it, and we will explore the ways this is so for most of this book.

We would be remiss, though, to believe that busyness is the only scapegoat for our lack of inner growth when in fact larger, even systemic, factors are at play. We exist within a cultural (often religious) ideology that exalts selflessness as the most laudable quality of a mother. But this should give us pause. Why do we believe the loss of self is a noble goal?

Self-giving is an incredible human gift and a virtue that we should all seek to cultivate, whether male or female, mother or not. There is no disputing that in every healthy relationship and system, mutual self-giving must be present. The problem arises when the expectation of self-giving falls predominately on one person; and when it comes to mothers, our social narrative assumes this as a given.

In religious spheres in particular, we are inundated with messages that glorify the sacrificial nature of motherhood, which further perpetuate ideals that would have women throw themselves on the altar of our marriages and children. The voices in these spheres are well-intentioned—at least, mostly—and sincerely want to honor the vital role that mothers play in the lives of their children. But we have to examine the narrative; we have to ask hard questions and recognize when we are allowing ourselves to accept messages that are downright harmful to the women they are meant to encourage. When the selflessness of motherhood above all else is exalted, value is indirectly assigned to each mother based on how small she can make herself. The result is not true self-giving but needless martyrdom.

I can’t tell you how many Sunday homilies I have sat through that have bestowed grandiose praise on mothers for their selflessness and yet have failed to mention the many other qualities that mothers demonstrate: qualities like strength, resiliency, tenacity, leadership, and problem-solving, to name just a few. This has been true within both Protestant and Catholic churches I’ve attended. In fact, thinking back on the churches I’ve been a member of for any significant length of time, I can recall only one in which selflessness was not preached as the crowning jewel of motherhood. It was the one where the pastor was herself a mother.

A Symbol of Self-Sacrifice

Years ago, as I was preparing to give birth for the first time while parenting our three-year-old adopted son through a difficult season, I came across an ancient symbol of a pelican mother piercing her chest and letting the drops of blood fall into the mouths of her hungry chicks. The symbol predates Christianity but was assimilated into the Christian tradition because of the obvious association with the blood of Christ shed to give life to human beings.

At the time of my discovery I was in a painful stage of motherhood: physically painful in that I would be facing the most excruciating experience of my life—childbirth—in just weeks, and emotionally painful in that my preschooler was suffering in ways I did not know how to alleviate. I was vehemently protective of both of my children and utterly overwhelmed by what they were requiring of me.

The pelican stirred something deep within me. It seemed to dignify the sacrifices I was making and affirmed the vital role I was playing in the continuation of life. It also doubled as a metaphor for the Eucharist but with a rare feminine quality I found fascinating.

So like any good millennial, I found an Etsy shop that sold necklaces with the image and ordered one. The artist was phenomenal, and the colorful pendant of the feathered mother and her wanting chicks left light pressure on my chest for several months, including during the birth of my son Moses. And then suddenly, one day, it was gone. The bleeding mother pelican had been such a source of affirmation to me that I almost never took the necklace off. But one day, in a rare departure from my norm, I did. And I haven’t seen it since.

For several years I bemoaned the loss of that necklace, sorely missing the physical reminder of my spiritual reality. I considered replacing it but never did. I considered getting it as a tattoo (because I’m a good millennial, remember?) but never did that either. My sentimentality slowly faded until it became only me turning to my husband about once a year and asking, “Remember that pelican necklace? I hate that I lost it.”

Only now, years later, it occurs to me that maybe losing it was exactly what I was meant to do. A self-sacrificing pelican mother symbolized my reality in an important way for one season of my life; it gave me comfort and pride. But I don’t believe I was meant to identify with the pelican forever. My family is not an ancient myth, and I am not an archetype. No one can bleed forever and hope to live.

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‍Content taken from Rewilding Motherhood by Shannon K. Evans, ©2021. Used by permission of Brazos Press.

Yesterday on Instagram, model Hailey Bieber posted a video with caption “sharing my story” to explain her recent hospitalization after experiencing stroke-like symptoms. She describes how she was sitting at a meal with husband Justin Bieber, when suddenly she felt tingling down her arm, facial drooping, and the inability to speak. 

The 25 year old said, “All these thoughts were running through my head,” and she wondered if she would have permanent side effects afterwards. After undergoing hospital testing, doctors confirmed she had experienced a “mini-stroke” due to a blood clot in her brain, but that she seemed to be recovering well.

As to why she had a blood clot, and especially at such a young age, Bieber cited a few reasons: a heart condition that had gone undiagnosed, a recent long flight, and the fact that she had started taking birth control pills. WebMD reports that the chance of blood clots is 2 to 6 times greater among women taking the pill, compared to women who don’t use birth control. 

Bieber advised fans to talk to their doctors about the risks of birth control, especially if they have any history of migraines, which are a known risk factor for clots when taking the pill. 

Her advice comes among growing concerns among women about the hormones in contraceptives. Last summer, the Johnson & Johnson COVID vaccine rollout was paused due to concerns about blood clots in women, even though the risk was far less than that of the birth control pills frequently prescribed to women. The New York Times shared the story of Kelly Tyrrell, an ultramarathon runner in Madison Wisconsin, who was advised to stop taking estrogen after clots were found in her lungs.

The conversation around birth control and women’s health has been growing for years. Six years ago, an Emmy Award winning television host and veteran film producer began working on the documentary The Business of Birth Control, which was finally released last November in NYC. Back in 2017, fertility tracking app Natural Cycles raised $30 million in Series B funding for their approach, which they call “digital contraception.” 

While women continue exploring options to ditch hormonal birth control because of the side effects, attempts to develop a male version keep getting halted by men upset by the side effects.

Maybe it's the looks as you walk around campus, rocking an outfit that doesn’t blend in with the current trends. Maybe it's how your partner asks to sit out for a weekend as you go to yet another protest or plan yet another extravaganza. Maybe it's the obvious whispers you hear when you turn from the group you’d just been talking to at a party: “Wow, she’s a lot.” “Sometimes she can be a little too much.” If you’ve ever felt like a woman who’s “too much,” allow me to introduce you to St. Catherine of Siena.

St. Catherine’s Struggle as a Woman Who was “Too Much”

When she was a child, her family gave her the nickname “Euphrosyne,” which means “joy,” and can only hint at how boisterous she must have been. And to stand out so much among her 25 siblings, she might have been seen as a troublemaker. As a teenager, Catherine dramatically cut off all of her hair when her parents suggested that she marry her older sister’s widower. She refused to marry him, eventually got her way, and then begged to enter religious life at any cost.

Catherine’s parents didn’t want her to enter a monastery, so she chose her next best option and joined a group of religious laywomen that allowed her to do her work and prayer from home.

Perhaps to counteract the label she’d received as a child, Catherine walled herself up in one room of her home, refusing company, food, and gifts from her family, and she gave away family possessions to the poor without asking. After three years of this, Catherine had a change of heart, rejoining her family and public life.

St. Catherine’s Example for Women Who are “Too Much”

Catherine later wrote:

“What is it you want to change? Your hair, your face, your body? Why? For God is in love with all those things and He might weep when they are gone.” (The Dialogue 96)

“We’ve been deceived by the thought that we would be more pleasing to God in our own way than in the way God has given us.” (letter T 340)

Her writings suggest that she had come to terms with who she was, and realized the importance of being the woman that God created her to be – even if others still found her to be overwhelming.

Catherine began by aiding the poor and sick in hospitals, and sticking around when the plague hit, rather than fleeing like many others. Contemporaries described Catherine as a fiery spirit – someone of warmth and positivity, but also audacity and reason. Though people were attracted to these qualities of hers, she made as many enemies as she did friends.

Catherine soon got involved in politics. She wasn’t afraid to voice her opinion, even when other members of religious life disagreed: “Speak the truth in a million voices. It is silence that kills” (Dialogue 114). She warned about the corruption and decadent lifestyles that many clergy and religious brother or sisters lived – and she even called out the pope. Catherine’s letter to the pope was the main reason why he returned to Rome during the Avignon Papacy. She negotiated peace between warring parties and was almost killed by the violence. And she spent the last part of her life in Rome to work on Church reform.

Catherine’s trust in herself wasn’t always perfect. She struggled with what we would now see as disordered eating that could have stemmed from her insecurities and caused her to pass away at the young age of 33.

Catherine also had many failures, but we don’t remember her for those. Rather, we remember her for the positive changes she created that wouldn’t have happened if she had been less of herself, afraid of being “too much.”

She has wisdom that’s relevant for us today, and perhaps especially for the women who are “too much”: “Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire” (letter T368).

On a Monday night in 2017, I gathered with my “Bachelor watching group” in my first post-college apartment. I invited women I had met at a Bible study, through a young adult group, and even randomly at a grocery store. I was desperate for friendship and scared of what would happen if I invited someone into my love-hate relationship with horrible TV. Although it was honestly an attempt to build community, I couldn’t help but feel like I should be doing it another way – any other way. After all, isn’t it better as a Christian and as a woman to do something more productive? How could this show that essentially walks on the graves of modern feminists be appealing?

Building Friendships Over The Bachelor

I almost cringed when the words came out of my mouth: “Would you like to come over to my house for some food, wine, and The Bachelor?”

Yet, time and time again the answer was yes. Starting with just a few women, we met every week in my tiny apartment. We talked, we snacked, and eventually we became dear friends. It was an unexpected blessing.

Initially, however, I was embarrassed to not offer some other activity. It got me wondering why people love The Bachelor so much. I think we love The Bachelor because it mirrors a vulnerable part of our lives.

Now, before you jump ship, I’m not going to try to convince you that The Bachelor is the most enlightening and profound kind of media – but hear me out.

Beneath the “I can see myself falling in love with you,” “I may be falling in love with you,” and “I can see myself possibly falling towards love with you,” there’s a societal case study. The Bachelor is not only fun to watch on its surface, but also something we can engage with as a society.

Every Monday from 7:00 - 9:00pm, I sat in my living room with seven other women as we wondered aloud: How can she possibly believe that he really loves her? How can he kiss one woman and another woman just a few minutes later? How can you claim to love someone after spending two days with them?

As we asked these questions, conversations flourished and the women crammed onto my tiny couch shared their personal experiences. We told each other horrific online dating stories, how we saw ourselves in a contestant’s eagerness, and about the red flags we had ignored too many times. We talked through the journey that is dating and relationships. And in doing so, we were forming a community.

We Love The Bachelor because it Can Inspire Conversation and Connection

Again, there are other ways to build friendships. But my point is that shows like The Bachelor, Love is Blind, and even Selling Sunset open doors of reality to explore where we may have gone wrong and where we desire to be known. I discovered that even trashy television can inspire conversation and community as we observe some of our own struggles played out on a glamorous Bali helicopter date.

Post-college, during a time when I so deeply desired connection and understanding, I made some of my best friends by opening up to those new friends over a bottle of prosecco and a TV show. Whether we watch The Bachelor or not, I think we can be grateful for those opportunities to be vulnerable with others and build friendships where we are seen, known, and loved.