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My husband and I recently celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary and I’ve been reflecting on the ways our relationship has grown over the last ten years. Here are five things I’ve learned that strengthen my marriage:

1. Over-communication is key. 

Communicating well is important in any relationship. But in a marriage, I’ve found that I can’t assume my husband knows anything (and I mean that in the most loving way!). In our early years together, I would get upset because he didn’t know what I was thinking - even though I hadn’t told him. It turns out good husbands don’t make good mind-readers, and I need to tell him what I’m feeling, where that feeling is coming from, and what I need from him - all of which take a lot of vulnerability.

Now, I make sure to tell him when I’m feeling overwhelmed, for example, and how he might be able to help, which often means I’m asking him to just listen and not offer any solutions. I also try to take his feelings into consideration, such as asking if he wants to have a certain tough conversation now or table it until after the kids go to bed. This “over-communication” also applies to finding time to tell him when I appreciate what he’s done, even if it’s just day-to-day tasks! “I’m so grateful you loaded the dishwasher before bed!”

2. Do the thing your spouse hates the most.

We’re talking chores here, not pet peeves. My least favorite chore is doing the dishes, so Brandon makes a point to do them often and it makes me feel taken care of. He dislikes doing laundry, so I’m in charge of that and it’s a joy for him to find clean clothes in this closet without lifting a finger. 

3. Make amends before going to sleep. 

While we were engaged, we were given the advice, “Never go to sleep mad at each other.” Every couple has disagreements, and I don’t expect that will ever go away. While there have been times when one of us might still be feeling a certain way at bedtime, we try to put the argument into perspective, focus on the reality that we’re on the same team, and apologize before falling asleep, even if that apology is just, “I’m sorry we’re arguing.” 

It helps us to have a spirit of humility and genuine love. We might not understand why our spouse has a certain opinion or reacts in a certain way, but we can acknowledge that they are doing their best and making choices that make sense to them in that moment.    

4. Speak well of your spouse to others.

It’s normal to want to complain when you’re frustrated, but I avoid slamming my spouse in conversation with friends and family. My husband and I will have friendly banter when we’re in a group together, but when I’m on my own with my friends this “rule” helps me focus on his positive qualities instead of revealing any character flaws - and it ensures that I don’t regret what I share.

This lesson comes with an important caveat: It is good to problem solve issues in your marriage with a trusted friend! Sometimes a therapist can be helpful, too.

5. Pray together and for your marriage.

We’ve found praying together each night to be unifying and fruitful. It’s a tangible way to express gratitude, an opportunity for quality time, and a practical way to weave prayer into our nightly routine. Sharing intentions with each other helps us process experiences we’ve had throughout the day and bring them to God in prayer, together.

When did your interest in fashion begin? What does a day in your life look like?

I remember being interested in fashion and clothes from the time I was a tomboy playing basketball in elementary school. My knee-high socks had to coordinate with my shoes, shorts, jersey, and scrunchie. My dream job was to be the first woman in the NBA and a fashion designer living in California. Two out of three ain’t bad, since I live in California now, too!

I start my day with a homemade latte and read a page from The Prayer Powered Entrepreneur to ground my efforts in service to others and within God’s greater plan.

The first half of my day is spent working on freelance projects for other brands, designing custom pieces or analyzing different styles to make sure their fits are consistent. The next half of the day is spent working on my business, Siena and Co., following up with our factory and suppliers, and planning and creating social media content and emails for the next week.

On a good day, I’ll get to finish up with some prayer time at the beach and catch up on a Netflix show with my roommates - currently All-American, where I get to live vicariously through fictional high schoolers in Beverly Hills.

How do you find motivation as you start your day?

Thanks to a podcast episode with Stephanie May Wilson and Caroline Schandel, last year I wrote a list of “declarations” that I recite each day. This is a list of truths I want to believe and is full of statements I declare that I want to live out. One set of declarations that motivates me every day is, “I declare today is a gift and I will serve and glorify God with it. Every morning I wake up thankful for the opportunity, and every night I’m patient and forgiving with myself for the day.”

Where do you seek inspiration for your designs?

My greatest source of inspiration is a lack of suitable alternatives. In several areas of my life, I’ve searched for something that I’ve needed but, since it didn’t exist, I felt compelled to create it myself. This is most often the case with my clothing designs. When searching for clothes to buy, especially a swimsuit, I usually have to compromise on style, quality, or an ethical work environment for the garment workers. The desire to design clothes that meet these standards serves as my inspiration.

Who would you want to see styled in one of your pieces and why?

Arielle Estoria. I first saw her host an open mic night and she lit up the room with grace and confidence. I have since followed her courageous efforts to stand up for all people and advocate for loving our bodies as gifts from God. I’d love to see her in Siena and Co. because she embodies a style of femininity and class.

What is one of your favorite motivational quotes?

“And if not, He is still good.” (Daniel 3:18)

In college, I was raped - and that rape got me pregnant. I had just finished my second year at a top-tier university as a technical major. I had a scholarship and job prospects that didn't outwardly support motherhood. After all of my hard work to achieve my dreams thus far, abortion seemed like the logical option that would help me take back my life after the trauma of rape. What followed were years of emotional trauma and distress.

I wish there was more of an emphasis on how incredible it is to carry a child and achieve your goals. I also wish that I had received more vocal support as I journeyed back to my Catholic faith as a woman who had had an abortion. I was intimidated by some aspects of pro-life advocacy among Catholics that shamed women who had abortions.

Here are a few ways to support women who are facing similar situations:

How to Support a Friend Who's Pregnant

If a woman you know feels backed into a corner and alone in her pregnancy, how can you love and support her?

Encourage Her and Give Her Examples of Women Who Have Been There

Women considering abortion need encouragement that they can achieve their goals and be a pregnant or a mother. Too many women are intimidated by the lie that they can't finish their education or meet their career goals while pregnant or as a mother. They need to be connected to examples of women who have done both, and they need support and encouragement so that they can do it, too.

Offer Tangible Forms of Support

You can support her in tangible ways like babysitting, helping her study, accompanying her at doctor's appointments, or making dinner for her one night.

How to Support a Friend Who's Considering or Who Had an Abortion

Acknowledge Her Pain and Remind Her of Her Strength

Women who are considering an abortion need reminders that their pain can turn into strength. This is especially true in cases of rape. We can remind them that their perpetrator did not “win” because they are pregnant. There is beauty to be found in this new life, even if the pain is too raw to believe that right now.

Women who are post-abortive also deserve acknowledgement of their pain and reminders of their strength. Dorothy Day is a good example of a holy woman who had an abortion early in life - which she describes as the “great tragedy” of her life - but who is remembered for the bold work that she did for the poor and the working class. Her pain did not stop her from growing closer to God and living her mission.

Show Her That She's Loved and That She Matters

If you have a friend or a sister who had an abortion, let her know that she is a beloved and worthy person. Show up for her and hold her hand, even just silently.

Remind women who are post-abortion that Jesus loves them and that the Catholic Church needs them, even if it seems to shun them or push them away. Reassure her that, even when people loudly and inconsiderately list abortion statistics without any regard to the heart of the mother who suffered, she is still loved and needed in the Church - and her abortion doesn't define her.

Post-abortive women need us to open our arms and our hearts to them. They need us to listen and respond with kindness, such as by saying, “I'm so sorry for what you’ve gone through, thank you for sharing your story with me.”

There's no reason to give them our judgment or opinions on how they should have handled their situation. Rather, we should support them in their journey moving forward. Invite your friend or sister to Mass, to a coffee date or wine night, or to a Bible study – even when you think you know that the answer will be, "No." Keep reaching out, because chances are that she's bearing a lot of shame, and a welcoming hand goes a long way.

As we begin a new year, maybe you’re committing to growing in some way through new resolutions or goals. Whether it’s a new exercise routine, self-care practice, or attitude towards work, part of the formula for success may be getting the expert help we need, either from research or mentors. If you’re hoping to jumpstart your spiritual life and want some extra support to fulfill this resolution, spiritual direction can be a great resource. We asked our FemCatholic audience about how to find a spiritual director - here are the top tips that you shared.

Start with your local community

Starting with your local community offers you the ability to meet with a spiritual director in person and build a relationship with him or her more easily. If you attend your local parish, start there. Many of our community members began their search by asking their priest or deacon either to serve as a spiritual director or for recommendations. Many parish priests are busy and don’t have time to take on spiritual direction, but are happy to make recommendations.

Another option at the parish level is to check the website. My parish, along with many others, offers a survey with questions that help the coordinator pair you up with a spiritual director who could be a good fit based on your needs.

If you live in a city that hosts a university, check out their resources. Catholic university campus ministry offices or secular university Newman Centers often have a campus minister that can serve as a spiritual director or offer recommendations. A few of our community members were able to connect with their spiritual directors through their local university campus ministry.

With a quick Google search, you may also be able to find a local convent or monastery that offers spiritual directors. Many religious orders offer spiritual direction as part of their ministry and often have more availability than parish priests.

Lastly, check your (arch)diocese’s website. Several commenters mentioned that their diocesan website also offered a questionnaire that helped connect them with their current spiritual director.

Expand your search online

If you don’t mind yet another Zoom session on your calendar, you could reach out to a spiritual director beyond where you live and find a good fit.

One popular suggestion was Spiritual Directors International (SDI), which offers spiritual direction in many faith traditions and spiritualities. Their search offers filters in a variety of categories including faith tradition, gender of spiritual director, issues they specialize in, and whether you want to meet in person or remotely.

If you’re familiar with a religious order and want to work with one of its members, but don’t have a local convent or monastery, you can always reach out virtually. One commenter mentioned reaching out to the Felician Sisters via Instagram and connecting with one of their sisters, who now serves as her spiritual director. If you’re a fan of Ignatian spirituality (the spirituality of St. Ignatius of Loyola and the Jesuits), spiritual directors formed in that tradition can be found at the Ignatian Spirituality Institute.

Be patient, it can take a while to find a good fit

A final piece of advice is to treat finding a good spiritual director like you would finding a therapist or a significant other: It takes time, conversation, and patience. 

Like with dating, be prepared for meeting people who wouldn’t be a good fit. It might take some time and several of these avenues to find a spiritual director. Unfortunately, not all priests or parishes may be helpful or even know how to direct you. If this is something that is important to you, keep trying!

Perseverance in this search is essential! A few members mentioned in their feedback that they tried several spiritual directors before finding the one that was the best fit. It’s okay to meet once or even a few times and feel like that particular spiritual director is not for you. Spiritual direction is about your personal growth, and so you should feel empowered to find someone that you feel comfortable with and challenged by. 

And as cheesy as it may sound, ask the Holy Spirit to send you one! Your resolution to grow in your spiritual life is important to God as well as to you, and He will help you find the right fit.

In an era of social justice movements and national discourse fraught with division, especially over racism, does the Catholic Church have anything unique to bring to the conversation? Two Catholic women, brought together through the Internet following the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd, believe that it does – and even more, that the Church points to the answer.

When Chenele Shaw and Maria Benes co-founded a new organization to shine the light of Catholic teaching on racism, they were upfront about what they believe is the source of unity and healing from racism’s wounds.

The Before Gethsemane Initiative’s name comes from the part of Scripture that describes Jesus’ prayer before he enters the Garden of Gethsemane, the starting point of his arrest and subsequent crucifixion. It’s a passionate prayer for unity: “That they may all be one" (John 17:21).

“What was on Jesus’ heart right before he goes to his [death and resurrection]?” Benes asks. For BGI, it comes down to the unity and deeper conversion of all Jesus’ followers.

The group takes Jesus’ prayer to heart in its mission: “to promote racial reconciliation, healing and awareness about racism and xenophobia from an understanding of the inherent dignity of the human person.”

Prayer That Leads to Action

Practically speaking, this makes up BGI’s two pillars of action. The first component, headed by Shaw, a Black Catholic, is to foster healing for those who have experienced the wounds and trauma of racism, specifically by organizing retreats for Catholics of color and increasing access to affordable counseling. Shaw, who is working to begin her own Master’s degree in clinical counseling, is currently in talks with Catholic counselors across the country about how they can offer these services to those who need them.

The second component is offering racial sensitivity training grounded in Catholic social teaching. “After the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd, I really felt there needed to be a Catholic organization speaking to these issues,” says Benes, a Catholic political scientist who leads this aspect of BGI’s mission and draws on her experience teaching in college classrooms. When broaching sensitive human rights topics with her students, she developed her own curriculum for how to have these conversations in the first place without the room exploding or people shutting down. Finding success in the classroom, Benes wondered why it was so hard to replicate this experience in the Church or society at large, and she began reaching out to Catholics of color in ministry. She found an online article by Shaw and the connection was immediate: BGI was born.

Benes, who lives in Nebraska, has just begun offering racial sensitivity training to local Catholic organizations. She’s also slated to meet with all the Catholic school principals of the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. Whether she’s presenting to kindergarteners or school staff, she follows the same basic framework: Lay the groundwork for how to have challenging but charitable conversations, bring in the Church’s teaching on social justice (for junior high and high school students, she uses Ascension Press’ Connected curriculum), and leave plenty of time for questions and answers. Prayer underpins everything.

“Any time a Catholic school or organization contacts us, we add them to our list, and as a team we pray and fast for them,” Benes says. 

Meaningful Conversations and Educating Others

The response to BGI has been positive. Organizations or individuals who may have had initial reservations about bringing in a presenter on racism - or that, as Benes says, “We’re going to be about cancel culture stuff” -  tend to be reassured when they realize that BGI roots itself deeply in Catholic teaching.

“A lot of times it takes us Zooming with them, meeting with them, to overcome those fears,” Benes says. “[They realize] we really do believe life begins at conception, that we’re not a political organization - stuff in our fidelity statement would make both political parties mad.”

While acknowledging and lamenting the real wounds of racism, Benes and Shaw hope to lead BGI with a positive approach to discussions on race - a vision that focuses on what’s possible, on what’s worth hoping for, and on what the Church holds out as the type of society Christians should strive for. Pope St. John Paul II often called it “the civilization of love”: a world that respects and serves the dignity of every human being. That’s the end goal, and Jesus’ prayer sustains them on the way: “That they may all be one.”

Your friend has started dating someone she’s thrilled about and she can’t wait for you to meet. You can tell that she’s excited by the way she’s talking him up. She sets up a happy hour so the two of you can finally meet. And you are...underwhelmed. “This is who she’s all starry-eyed about?” you think to yourself. Your friend texts you later that night, asking, “So, what did you think?” How do you respond?

This is obviously a tricky situation. You care about your friend, you want the very best for her, and you want to be supportive of her. You also don’t want to lie to her about how you feel, especially if you’ve met her boyfriend a couple of times and still haven’t warmed up to him.

Here are some things to consider if you find yourself in this situation:

Are there any red flags?

If you notice that your friend’s new boyfriend has some concerning qualities such as being mean, manipulative (emotionally, physically, financially), or deceptive, these are very much red flags in any relationship.

If you notice these qualities, bringing them up to your friend in a compassionate way is an important way of honoring the friendship you have with her. As friends, you watch out for and take care of each other. Letting your friend know what you’ve observed is a way that you can do that.

Some things to consider when bringing up your observations to your friend include setting aside a specific time to talk to her about it one on one, sharing your concerns from the perspective of your care for her, and asking if she observed any of the same qualities. Your friend may be defensive, or she may be open to your feedback. Either way, being compassionate and prioritizing your friendship are key if you observe any red flags.

Are there personality differences?

If your friend is dating someone whose personality clashes with yours, it’s understandable that he might not be your favorite person to spend time with. The two of you might be like oil and water. But if your friend is serious about this guy, you might have to learn to like (or at least tolerate) being around him for the sake of your friendship. 

To help with this, think about what qualities your friend appreciates and values in her boyfriend. Can you see these same qualities in him and see why they mean so much to your friend? For example, maybe you see his romantic gestures as over the top and annoying, but if your friend’s love language is gift-giving, these gestures might mean the world to her. Try to see her boyfriend from her perspective and you might start to appreciate him more, even if he never becomes your favorite person in the world. 

Are you getting in your own way?

Though it might be a tough pill to swallow, some of your dislike could be coming from some of your own internal struggles, rather than directly from your friend’s boyfriend. For example, are you feeling jealous that your friend is in a relationship she is excited about? Or are you perhaps feeling replaced or left out? 

Maybe you feel like you are competing for your friend’s time and attention that you used to take for granted. It’s very common for something like this to crop up whenever the relationship status quo in your life changes.

Taking an honest look at your own inner experience can help you better understand why your personal struggles might be manifesting as a dislike of your friend’s significant other. It will deepen your own self-knowledge and improve your relationships all around. It can be hard work, but it is definitely worth it!

The reality is that not everyone in our life will get along with everyone else. Navigating these personality differences (or even clashes) is part of both lasting friendships and starting a new relationship. The good news is that we can choose to prioritize compassion and genuine care for our loved ones as we do so.

I used to work remotely in a previous job. We had the option to go into the office and, some days, I was the only one at the office, going in just for a change of scenery. As I worked remotely, I started learning about my work style, strengths, and weaknesses. In a recent poll of our FemCatholic community, women across the country shared that they also experienced self-discovery through remote work. Here’s what they learned:

Surprise! I’m an Extrovert

“I often feel isolated. Working from home is not for me.”

The word “remote” itself has a strong connotation of isolation and loneliness. Extroverts can relate to this even more so, given how energizing it is to be around other people. Through our weekday isolation, some of us have discovered that we are, in fact, extroverts: we thrive on lots of human connection and feel unfulfilled without enough of it. Regardless of how much human interaction we need to be comfortable, we have a social need for human interactions in our workday.

St. Maximilian Kolbe once said that “God sends us friends to be our firm support in the whirlpool of struggle.” While co-workers don’t always become our friends, they are part of our support system at work.

If you’re feeling isolated, here are some ways to connect virtually with your colleagues:

• Set up informal virtual meetups
• Ask to join projects that require collaboration
• Set a calendar reminder to check on your colleague(s) 

And when you’re ready to go back to the office, have intentional conversations to make up for lost human connection.

I Need Better Work-Life Boundaries

“I needed to learn to set boundaries between work and life outside of work.”

Some women noted that the concept of “work-life balance” took on a whole new meaning while working remotely. The ease of working from home also means a greater likelihood of working overtime because of the greater the accessibility provided by technology.

If you’re struggling with setting work-life boundaries, try this:

• Create a separate, dedicated workspace
• Set a time limit to check on work communications
• Balance busy days with fun or relaxing after-work activities

I Can Be Both Productive and a Homebody 

“I felt happier and more comfortable at home… my attitude made all the difference in the quality of my work.”

Although the cons of working from home were highlighted in our poll, some women reported a higher level of motivation when working from home. Why?

• Stress is more manageable in a familiar setting
• Self-care is easier to manage at home
• Seeing loved ones during our breaks energizes us

Regardless of its pros and cons, working remotely can lead to greater self-awareness. It’s important to keep in mind that women who work remotely aren’t part of a monolith. Our temperaments, careers, and lifestyles shape how we adapt to working remotely. And the good news? No matter how your experience with remote work started out, there are ways to make it more pleasant and productive.

We’re living in a society where our pay isn’t always based on the true value of our work. For example, in my PhD program, researchers earned a salary far below the median income in our city, despite often spending upwards of 60 hours per week in the lab. I earned magnitudes more in tips while waiting 2-3 tables at a time in a farm-to-table restaurant, compared to juggling 5-6 concurrent tables at a diner chain in my rural hometown. These examples are so unsurprising and expected that they might seem fair - but upon further reflection, we discover that they aren’t.

The Catholic Church has a lot to say about workers’ rights - not just about the need for equal pay for men and women, but also about what a fair wage looks like in general. When I learned about the Church’s teachings on workers’ rights, it challenged my beliefs on what constitutes a fair wage. Here’s what I learned:

Workers’ rights stem from human rights

Workers are human and human beings have natural rights, including the right to live. In 1891, Pope Leo XIII wrote that “each one has a natural right to procure what is required in order to live.” While we exercise this right through our work, it is our dignity as human beings that gives us a share of the fruits of the earth. This is a simple fact of being human; I don’t have a greater claim on life or its spoils than any of you reading this do.

In other words, your right to a just wage comes from the fact that you are a human person. Period.

In our society, salary is typically determined by the job. Often we have an impulse to measure the material value of our labor. For example, we all know that computer science engineers typically make more than kindergarten teachers. However, Pope St. John Paul II explained in great detail that work has dignity because the worker is a human being: “The basis for determining the value of human work is not primarily the kind of work being done but the fact that the one who is doing it is a person.”

The person who does the work is more valuable than the work itself

The thought of paying workers a wage that reflects their humanity, regardless of their productivity, can be difficult to accept because it seems like a punishment to the “hard” worker (as in the parable of the laborers of the vineyard). Plus, let’s face it: Paying a just wage costs the employer more.

However, if the dignity of the worker is more valuable than the work itself, then maybe we can accept that justice looks differently than we might expect.

What does it mean to say that someone has “earned” their pay? Does it mean that they produced enough goods to justify their salary? Or that they are claiming a share of the earth that rightfully belongs to them?

I found, and still find, this principle to be challenging. In my work and educational experience, I valued work first for its own sake, and I found myself guilty of the so-called “error of economism, that of considering human labour solely according to its economic purpose.”

A just wage should support a human life 

Finally, what exactly constitutes a fair wage must be discussed. Most likely, there are a variety of ways to achieve this, but the point is that a just wage reflects the worker’s dignity. Pope St. John Paul II offers some guiding insights on determining a just wage: “Just remuneration for the work of an adult who is responsible for a family means remuneration [for] properly maintaining a family and for providing security for its future,” and, “medical assistance should be easily available for workers … it should be cheap or even free of charge. Another sector [is] the right to rest … comprising at least Sunday, and also a longer period of rest.”

These insights steer us away from focusing only on the economic value of a particular job, and towards considering the human being who does the work - as well as their medical needs and any other human beings they support.

Moving towards equity for all

I invite you to reflect on what wage-earning would look like if it were informed by these principles. To me, it seems clear that if wages were decided primarily based on the dignity of the worker, rather than on the work produced, then full-time work would at a minimum allow someone to support a family.

So, what can we do to move in this direction? As an employer or a manager, you can advocate for the people at your organization to earn a just wage. And as an employee, you can stand your ground as you summon the courage to negotiate your pay.

A just wage is important because the payee is a human person with dignity. If debate should arise, let’s keep coming back to this point.

So you are excelling at work, have some extra time in your schedule, and are looking for a way to give back. What’s on the list of extracurricular possibilities now that you’re making your way in the professional world? You could join a new fitness class or launch a side hustle - but what about joining a non-profit board?

If you want to channel your professional experience into a form of service, Mary Runger - a founding board member of a Notre Dame Alumni Club and a member of several other non-profit boards - shares her wisdom on the steps to take.

But first things first - what exactly is a non-profit board? Simply put, it’s the governing or decision-making body of a non-profit organization. If you’d like to help non-profits do what they do, start here:

1. Ask Yourself These Questions

Do you have the time to make a commitment to a non-profit and take on an additional role at this time in your professional and/or personal life?

Are you excited about the mission and vision? In essence, you would become a walking, living, talking “billboard” for the organization wherever you are. Would you be proud and excited to do this?

Is the leader of the organization self-serving or selfless? Do they recognize their own strengths and weaknesses and know how to delegate? Do you have a sense of their motivation? What is the source of their inspiration and energy? Remember that you would be working for and with this person.

Would you enjoy working with the other board members? Do they fulfill their responsibilities as board members and not only show up, but also come to the table with a collaborative and creative mindset? 

Are there any practices of the organization with which you do not agree? Do you have difficulty imagining yourself being able to support any of these practices?

2. Assess Your Leadership Skills

Mary Runger outlined the following skills as crucial to non-profit board membership: 

• Willingness to listen
• Project Management
• Perseverance
  

Willingness to Listen

“God had intentionality in creating us with two ears and one mouth,” Mary said, “it would seem to me that God is asking us to listen twice as much as we speak. I believe this to be the appropriate ratio as to the manner in which one should participate on a non-profit board.”

We can do this by:

• Learning as much as possible about the history, mission, and vision of the organization.
• Taking the time to discern which leadership, interpersonal, and professional skills are best suited to work with the other members of the board.
  

Project Management: Innovative, Creative, and Action-oriented

Mary highlighted the importance of being able to commit to taking responsibility for developing project ideas and/or creating solutions for the organization’s needs and goals. In doing so, board members can also help others experience success in their respective roles. In this way, it is most important to have a collaborative spirit that inspires and, at the same time, mentors fellow board members working towards the good of the organization’s mission. 

Perseverance

“I believe half the battle in achieving excellence as a whole is to show up and aspire to create a culture of enthusiastic and energetic teamwork.” Mary said that there will always be challenges and misfires along the way, but that staying dedicated to putting one foot in front of the other and persevering with a problem-solving mindset will eventually get the job done. “A good leader trusts the process, adapts and makes changes along the way, and tries to stay focused in accomplishing the tasks at hand.”

3. Prepare for Your Search

When you’re ready to search for non-profit board positions, consider checking job websites such as LinkedIn and reaching out to local organizations with missions aligned with your values.  As Mary points out, some of these positions might arise organically as organization leaders may contact you directly. To attract these types of opportunities, volunteer for causes dear to you and refine your leadership skills.

When the right position comes along, Mary reminds us that the selfless nature of the non-profit work you commit to will help you do good work to serve others.
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Mary Runger is President of St. Margaret Mary’s Parish Council and is on the Advisory Board of Andean Health & Development as well as the Women’s Care Center - LaGrange/Chicago. She has a Bachelor of Science degree from University of Notre Dame and a Master’s of Leadership in Family Ministry from Dominican University. In her spare time, Mary enjoys traveling, gardening, and simply being outside enjoying God’s creation.

Pope Francis has become known for his off-the-cuff remarks in interviews and controversial soundbites. The best approach to understanding these moments is to look into the context of the statement and to place it within the larger context of his papal teaching. The pope’s latest comments from a recent Wednesday audience produced headlines such as “Pope Francis says choosing pets over kids is selfish” from the BBC and “Pope Francis slams ‘selfish’ couples who have pets instead of kids” from the New York Post.

Did Pope Francis actually call childless couples selfish? Does he believe that those who opt for pets over kids “diminish their humanity”? What did he really mean? We did some digging to place his comments within the larger framework of his pontificate, which raises three considerations that help shed light on where Pope Francis is coming from.

Pope Francis’ Concern Over the “Demographic Winter” in the West

Historically, the pope uses his Wednesday General Audience to teach on topics of faith that he finds especially relevant to the times. This particular audience was about Joseph as Jesus’ foster father and the beauty of adoption, which the pope calls “among the highest forms of love.” Within this reflection, Pope Francis challenges us to “not be afraid to choose the path of adoption, to take the ‘risk’ of welcoming children.” He continues his teaching by saying,

"And today, with orphanhood, there is a certain selfishness. The other day, I spoke about the demographic winter there is nowadays, in which we see that people do not want to have children, or just one and no more. And many, many couples do not have children because they do not want to, or they have just one - but they have two dogs, two cats. . . Yes, dogs and cats take the place of children. . . And this denial of fatherhood or motherhood diminishes us, it takes away our humanity. And in this way civilization becomes aged and without humanity" (emphasis added).

By “the other day,” Pope Francis was referring to his message on May 14 to a conference held in Rome on the Demographic Crisis (which included the President of Italy) that was called after 2020 showed the lowest birth rate in Italy in 160 years. In his speech, Pope Francis offered three suggestions or thoughts for “lifting us out of the demographic winter.” 

First, he reminded us that life is a gift and that we are called to pass it on. For Pope Francis, a decline in the birthrate “leads to an aging of the population, together with the regulation of the elderly to a sad and lonely existence” which he argues is a “subtle way of stating that it is all about us, that our individual concerns are the only thing that matters” (Fratelli tutti 19). Pope Francis has an eye to the future and recognizes that when couples consistently make the choice to forgo children in favor of pets - who cannot replace us in the population - then we are living in the comfort of the now rather than working towards the common good in the future. 

Second, he called for generational sustainability. He reminded his audience of the explosion of births after WWII that led to reconstruction and overcoming the devastation faced by Europe (and similarly in the US) after the war. With an eye on the pandemic and its effects on our global population, Pope Francis understands that the record low birth rate in Italy, as well as in many nations in the West, is an issue that will affect our good in the long-term. 

Finally, he reminded us of a principle of Catholic Social Teaching: solidarity. He argued that “just as we need generational sustainability, we need structural solidarity” so that we can “give stability to family support structure and to encourage birth. We need a policy, an economy, information and culture that courageously promote birth.”

Pope Francis’ Advocacy

A critique of the pope’s views is that starting a family and having children is too burdensome, especially for millennials. A look at Wednesday’s audience might indicate that the pope is not concerned with these difficulties; however, his teaching and advocacy demonstrate that he does understand. In his May address, Pope Francis recognized that many do want to have children, but that they are “beset by worries that risk paralyzing their life plans,” worries that include the uncertainty of work, the unaffordable cost of raising children, and the lack of support from their communities. The pope urged leaders in Italy to see an increase in policies and programs that support parents not as a cost, but as an investment in the future of Italy.

In particular, Pope Francis thinks of the women. He asks, “How is it possible that a woman should feel ashamed of the most beautiful gift that life can offer? Not the woman, but society should be ashamed, because society that does not welcome life stops living.” In 2015, Pope Francis spoke to Italian business executives, challenging them “to protect, at the same time, both [women’s] right to fully recognized work, and their vocation to motherhood.” He went on to support parental leave policies and workplace protections for pregnant women and women who are mothers. Along with these policies, the pope has been regularly outspoken about poverty, healthcare, just wages, fair work policies and practices, the treatment of workers as people and not as machines, and the need for more time off to spend with families. 

Pope Francis and the Throwaway Culture 

Jesus says, “where your treasure is, there also will your heart be" (Mt 6:21). This saying is at the heart of a lot of Pope Francis’ teachings, as well. When he calls out selfishness in our culture, it's usually a call to reexamine what’s important to us. In his May address in Rome, he asked, “Where is our treasure, the treasure of our society? In the children or in finances? What attracts us, family or income?” Pope Francis has spent his pontificate reminding us to refocus on what’s important. He frequently critiques our materialistic society and what he’s termed the “throwaway culture,” which views everything and everyone as something to be used for our own benefit.

Within this larger criticism of materialism, Pope Francis has asked us to question what we value and what success means to us. We’re told often that success is found in things like wealth, status, or power, so that “children seem almost like a distraction, that should not hinder one’s personal aspiration.” His critique in Wednesday’s audience was a continuation of this challenge to focus not on what we can gain in this world, but on what we can pass on so that we continue to build a better society. Raising children is a way for us to do that, and it's a way that is far more lasting than any of the things we can achieve as individuals. In the end, he concedes that “it is a risk, yes: having a child is always a risk," but for those who God has called to parenthood, “it is riskier not to have them.”

When did your interest in nursing begin? What does a day in your life look like?

I’ve always loved critical thinking, learning, and moving quickly; all of which are part of the usual day for a nurse. In addition, I’ve always been an empath, and that’s really helpful in advocating for my patients.

At 5:00 AM, I make coffee and enjoy some quiet time to pray, meditate, read, and stretch. Before I leave for work, I always spend time with Mother Teresa and ask her to help me care for my patients the way she cared for those in Calcutta. I clock-in at 7:00 AM and after that, there’s no predicting what will happen. Most days, I’m on my feet for 12 hours, caring for patients who have been in car accidents, patients in a psychiatric emergency, patients suffering from COVID, heart attacks, strokes - you name it. Each day is different and there’s no day-to-day routine. At 7:30 PM, my husband picks me up and I end my day with a routine: a hot shower, minimal physical and mental exertion, a 20-minute episode of something on Netflix with dinner, and bed at 9:00 PM. 

How has the pandemic changed your career?

As long as I can remember, whether I was reading about the saints, learning of a death in someone’s family, or studying wars in school, my heart has always wanted to connect with those who have died - to ponder their life and their death, even for a moment. When the pandemic hit the U.S. in February 2020, the department in my hospital became the primary COVID unit; in other words, I took care of only COVID patients from February 2020 until things slowed down in May 2021. I was brought face-to-face with the fragility of life 3 - 4 days a week, 13 hours a day, for 15 months. It was a bio-warzone: limited staff, limited supplies, emotional extremes, little time to rest, and a lot of death. That being said, I truly believe it was a gift. 

Many people only get to closely experience death a handful of times in their entire life. But many of my patients died, and even those who didn’t were terrified that they were next. Without having any family visitors because of the high transmission rate of COVID, the patients turned to their nurses for security and hope. It was, and still is, an honor to be welcomed into such a vulnerable place with complete strangers, who became like family to me; I carry all of them in my heart every single day. Yes, the pandemic left scars on my nurse-heart, but they are signs to me of how much I love my job.

What has nursing taught you about resilience?

Nursing is a career where your job is always and tangibly focused on others. We become exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically - and often the next shift is only 12 hours away. So you must have some resilience in order to meet the next day with the same level of intensity you did before. I’ve learned that it’s so important to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. It’s not selfish – it’s true that you can’t pour from an empty cup. 

The key is self-care. What will be helpful to you? From my personal experience, the most fruitful self-care is always built on the foundation of time spent with God. 

How do you take care of yourself spiritually, mentally, or physically?

Every few weeks, I wake up in the morning and tell my husband, “Today is my zombie day,” and he knows exactly what that means. He puts the coffee on for me and then leaves me alone for a while. My zombie day is a day to listen to my body, my emotions, and my heart; to block out everything else. My only priority is the one item that’s allowed to occupy space in my brain for that day: what I need to recover. If my body feels restless with pent-up emotion, I need a good, long workout at the gym. Other times, my zombie days include baggy sweatpants, no makeup, lying in bed for longer than what’s socially acceptable, watching The Office, and silence. 

What is one of your favorite motivational quotes?

I once heard Brené Brown say on a podcast, “This discomfort won’t last forever.” Whenever I’m feeling uncomfortable – whether it’s personal anxiety, stress at work, in a conversation, during a workout, at church – I repeat this to myself. That moment allows me to take a big, deep breath, re-center, and continue on with my day. It lets me move forward with the intentionality, purpose, and direction that I might otherwise lose in the chaos of life.

It started with the ring pictures. Remember those? Back when engagements were reserved for our oldest cousins on Facebook. The shots were low-quality, usually with a questionable background. Manicured hands and a sparkly diamond inspired a flood of 50 or 75 or 200 comments: “Congrats!” “Welcome to the family!” “<3”

And then came the Instagram engagements. These pictures featured the older girls from high school, like the seniors on the soccer team who already seemed grown up to us as freshmen. They appeared on our feeds wearing Frye boots and infinity scarves, cashmere-clad arms wrapped around their fiancés’ necks in professional photos shot in front of a cityscape. Plus a caption to top it off: Sometimes a quote from a song (“Make you feel my love”) or a TV reference (“The One Where We Got Engaged”), other times a simple, “Can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this guy” or the self-effacing, “He’ll do.” 

The Instagram engagements started it all. First came the floor-to-ceiling flower arrangements, then the signs in loopy faux-cursive neon pink letters: “She said yes!” or “Happily ever after.” Opulence once reserved for the wealthy seemed suddenly accessible through a perfectly-staged wedding tableau. Before long, everyone seemed to be having engagement parties, and then bridal showers, and then bachelorette parties. What actually happened at those events besides Instagram posts? What distinct activities occurred at the engagement party that couldn’t happen at the bridal shower? Unclear.

By the time it was our college friends and co-workers getting engaged, the neon signs soldiered on and the wedding hashtags proliferated: #AllensaysIDo #ForeverYoungs #ITheeWebb. The wedding websites sprouted extra pages with bios of the bridal party and stories of how the couple met. There were Instagram-ready boxes of trinkets and mugs inscribed with “Will you be my maid of honor?” (By the way: Were we expected to respond to mug-questions with mug-answers? Did anyone ever send back a mug inscribed “no </3”?)

Once the first friend got engaged, it didn’t stop. Not just the engagements, but the posts. There are the witty, self-deprecating ones; the sincere, sappy ones; and the winding, poetic ones, musing on partnership. They mostly read like a sigh of relief: “We’ve made it! Life will be okay after all.” There were countless captions about true love, self-actualization, and arrival at the pinnacle of womanhood; being wanted for life.

If there ever has been a perfect couple, it’s social media and the wedding industry. Social media is designed to show the curated parts of our lives — not just for everyone else, but for us. And weddings are nothing if not curated, sometimes featuring a literal highlight reel of the best parts of our relationships, played or narrated for everyone to see. If we can curate that perfect relationship for our friends and families and followers, then isn’t it a real-life perfect relationship? 

And for those of us who aren't lucky enough to have been proposed to at a waterfront park, with a professional photographer laying in wait? We soft launch our not-quite-perfect relationships from an endless string of wedding receptions. A black tie formal photo with a new beau captioned, “Congratulations Kimmy and John!” (Where are Kimmy and John, anyway? Definitely not in this photo.)

Lately though, there’s a new wedding trend on Instagram. A few pioneers are skipping right to posting elopement photos, or — braver yet — full-blown wedding photos. Without an engagement photoshoot, without a countdown on stories, and without neon signs and hashtags. Just an out-of-the-blue photo in a wedding dress. It's risky, it's bold, and it's the ultimate cool-girl move. Illusive and nonchalant, an “Oh me? Married? Forgot to mention it.”

So, what's next? No wedding posts at all? Just a photo of beard hairs in the sink five years in? A wedding ring tucked into a drawer when it no longer fits on swollen fingers during pregnancy? After the social media wedding post bonanza, is the next best thing in wedding trends to not post at all? To have a wedding so elite and exclusive that nobody even gets a glimpse, save the lucky few who were actually there?