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When Serena Williams announced her evolution from tennis, it was bittersweet. On the one hand, I’m going to miss watching one of my favorite tennis players on the court. On the other, she expressed a kind of vulnerability that I longed to see. From one Black woman to another, I can relate.

It has come to my attention recently that there is something expected of me (of us) that I might fall short in giving: strength. I’ve watched my mother display it, and her mother, too. Where I’m from, all the hero women have vigor and courage, standing like cement pillars against any destruction. And of course, there is this trait within me, too. It pulls me up and carries me through to overcome.

When I sat with these thoughts before our TV screen, yet again I saw her: another strong Black woman. She was all of us – or at least, all of what is expected of us. And that is a problem.

The "Strong Black Woman"

You see, as I started recounting my experiences watching Black women on TV and movies, I noticed a pattern in modern media. There was Viola Davis, Kerry Washington, the Wakanda warriors, and Samira Wiley (my admiration for their outstanding acting isn’t reflected in this piece). While bringing strong Black women to the conversation was mollifying a lack of diversity by uplifting these stories, I think that it might also leave out some important realities.

What happens to us Black women when we are expected to be strong? All the time? For everyone?

We are overworked. Our pain and suffering are underestimated. We are strong, so we must not need much love and tenderness. We get tasked with activist duties because our voices are also allegedly strong and loud. And when our pitch does not please, we become the Angry Black Woman.

Former pro tennis player John McEnroe can rage freely on multiple occasions, but Serena enrages the public with her racket toss.

The Normal Black Woman

Can we evolve into accepting the normal Black woman? The one who can cry, be upset, and mull over defeat before standing up. The one who can rely on the help of another. The one who does not have to be the best, take charge, or be the loudest in the room to have her value recognized. The one who can lean on Jesus and her family for support.

When Naomi Osaka told her story of mental health struggles, she faced backlash. Was she not supposed to be vulnerable – ever? Is this not what is asked of us? Does it make us less worthy?

It’s 2022 and the normal Black woman is here. I am her. Naomi is her. Serena revealed herself to be her, too. We can be both strong and vulnerable. Jesus can both celebrate and support us.

So I am going to allow myself the space to breathe, to be comforted, loved, and cared for. To quit or disconnect when it’s part of my healing. Because strength comes in many shades. Strength is letting go or holding on. Strength is raising a family, winning on the court, or leading a board meeting – or doing all three, or doing none of these things at all.

Our worth should not be tied to one type of strength.

Breathe in. Exhale. You are free to be weak. You are free to be strong. You can break into a million pieces and still be strong, at your own pace.

Go ahead and remove that cape, if only just for a while.

 Is there a "right" way to be a woman? Join us for a conversation with Lisa Cotter about her journey from being frustrated with the concept of femininity to understanding and embracing an integrated vision of being a woman. 

Much of the oppression of women has begun with identifying women as “other” - as too sensitive, too fragile, or too maternal to take on roles or participate in spaces designed by and for men. Lines in the sand are drawn, boxes built, and women told to fit them. Except most of those boxes are far too narrow for women. But then, what does it mean to be a woman?

After growing up and wrestling with a lot of female stereotypes, LIsa began to explore the legacy of women the Catholic Church upholds as saints - women diverse and bold in their own unique ways. She compiled this deep dive into her latest book, Reveal the Gift, where she unpacks the diversity and strengths in each of us and offers a powerful vision of what it means to be female. 

Join us for a live workshop on Tuesday August 9 at 8pm CST.

Watch the recording here.

Lisa Cotter is a speaker and author known for her practical insights on relationships, femininity, and living life with excellence. Her latest book is Reveal the Gift: Living the Feminine Genius. She has served FOCUS as a family for over 10 years, previously authored Dating Detox, hosted the popular How-to Catholic podcast, and traveled widely as a presenter at SEEK, Steubenville conferences, NCYC, and more. She earned a degree in Theology from Benedictine College and is finishing her Master’s in Theology at Augustine Institute. Lisa resides in Denver, CO with her husband Kevin and their four children.

Watch the recording here.

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FemCatholic is a media company for women and for the Church. Our mission is to start conversations on topics that are deeply relevant to women’s lives and to explore how the Catholic Church can support and empower women. After winning the OSV Innovation Challenge in 2021, FemCatholic launched a groundbreaking report on the state of maternity leave as offered by Catholic dioceses across the United States. Since the report was released in March 2022, multiple dioceses have advanced their paid leave policies. Other regular content includes highlighting experts on women’s health, careers, sex & relationships, culture, and faith.

FemCatholic is seeking writers and journalists to join our FemCatholic Freelance Network. Members of the network will have access to a private discussion group and the opportunity to regularly pitch story ideas to the FemCatholic editorial team. FemCatholic editors will also pitch story ideas directly to this group. Small stipends are available, commensurate with the length and amount of reporting per piece and the experience of the writer. 

Deadline to apply is August 8, 2022. A limited number of applicants will be selected at this time.

Apply here.

Frustrated with dating culture and unsure why? Today anything goes in terms of sex and dating, so why are so many of us disappointed? In her new provocative read Rethinking Sex, Washington Post writer Christine Emba explores everything from #MeToo to the Aziz Ansari scandal, and presents bold recommendations on how we can be more sexually fulfilled in our relationships.

That’s our August 2022 FemCatholic Book Club pick!

Join FemCatholic Book Club with an All Access Pass

Join the book club for:

• A summary of key notes from the book
• weekly discussion questions
• a network of women inside our Mighty Network community
• a live Zoom panel discussion at the end of the month

#FemCatholicBookClub is part of the FemCatholic All Access Pass Membership, where members support FemCatholic and can access our entire video library of expert webinars, book club discussions, and conference talks.

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As brides increasingly forego some old-fashioned customs to have a more feminist wedding, we’re seeing the details of weddings change more and more. Whether you’re planning your own wedding (congratulations, by the way!) or attending the wedding of a friend or relative, you might have noticed that there are some big differences between Catholic weddings and the majority of ceremonies that you see in movies, on Instagram, or IRL. At first glance, a Catholic wedding might seem antiquated or even patriarchal. If you take a closer look at the ceremony itself, though, you’ll see that Catholic weddings align more with a feminist perspective of a marriage between equals than you might think.

Let’s start with the obvious differences: Catholic weddings always take place in a Catholic church, so there are no Catholic ceremonies in a field under an archway of flowers, in the courthouse, or on the beach. Also, for a Catholic wedding, the couple doesn’t write their own vows. Instead, they choose one or two options provided by the Church. And finally, unlike non-Catholic ceremonies that are usually shorter, a full Catholic wedding Mass can take upwards of an hour from start to finish.

But, if we pay attention to the particulars of a Catholic wedding – including the options that couples can choose from behind the scenes – we’ll learn about the Church’s belief in the equal dignity between women and men, and the importance that both make a free choice whether to be married, and to whom.

The Wedding Procession: Entering as Equals

When you think of a wedding procession, the classic example of the bride walking up the aisle, arm-and-arm with her father, to meet her groom probably comes to mind. Once the bride and her father reach the altar, someone will ask who “gives the bride away.” That wording dates back to the 1500s in the Church of England, during a time when women were seen as property and weddings were looked upon as a sort of business transaction.

In fact, the custom of asking who “gives the bride away” isn’t even Catholic! In the official guidelines of the Catholic Church, a father giving his daughter away to her groom isn’t mentioned. Instead, the guidelines recommend that the couple walk up together at the beginning of the wedding Mass or ceremony.

Why? Well, during Catholic Masses, the person who processes in last is the minister of the sacrament (normally a bishop or priest). But in the wedding Mass, the couple can choose to process in last because they are the ministers of the sacrament of marriage. Serving as ministers of a sacrament means that the bride and groom act as a channel of grace for each other, in the same way that a priest serves as the channel of grace for an infant in baptism. Everyone gathered together that day, including the priest, are witnesses of the couple’s vows and their new marriage.

My husband, Joseph, and I chose this option for our own wedding procession. Despite the raised eyebrows, we loved the idea that no one was “giving anyone away,” but rather we were coming to the wedding (and marriage!) together – as equals.

The Vows: Freely Choosing Marriage

Although couples marrying in the Catholic Church don’t have the option of writing their own vows, the vows written by the Church emphasize the freedom of both the woman and the man as they enter into marriage. This is because freely choosing to marry the other person is a requirement for the sacrament of marriage to take place.

In 1968, Pope Paul VI explained that, in marriage, “this love is not, then, merely a question of natural instinct or emotional drive. It is also, and above all, an act of the free will…” Before a bride and groom profess their vows to each other, the priest asks them a series of questions concerning their freedom, their fidelity, and the fruitfulness of their vocation to marriage.

By asking if the couple has come to the altar “without coercion, freely, and wholeheartedly,” the Church emphasizes that marriage is not something that people can be forced into. It’s something they should enter into freely and with excitement and joy. If that’s missing, something is wrong.

Next, the priest asks if the couple is prepared to “love and honor each other for as long as [they] both shall live.” The Church wants couples to love and honor each other mutually. Marriage isn’t one-sided, asking just the wife to honor her husband, or just the husband to honor his wife.

Then, the priest asks the bride and groom if they are ready to accept any children that God gives them, and if they’re both committed to raising those children in the Church. The Church expects the husband and the wife to decide together how God is asking their marriage to be fruitful. If children are a fruit of their marriage, the Church also expects both parents to be equally responsible for raising children in the Faith.

Finally, before the couple vows to be faithful to each other in good times and bad, the priest asks them both to declare their consent, saying, “Since it is your intention to enter into the covenant of Holy Matrimony, join your right hands and declare your consent before God and his Church.” This declaration of consent, that both the man and the woman are wholeheartedly entering into this marriage, is yet another emphasis on the equality between spouses that the Catholic Church values in a marriage.

So, if you’re thinking about having Catholic Mass for your own upcoming wedding, taking a closer look at the wedding ceremony can be a great way to dive deeper into a Catholic understanding of marriage. The Church wants both men and women to come to the altar as equals and vow that they arrived there by their own – and independent — free choice. Feminist vibes, indeed.

The issue of abortion is not simple. Pro-choice and pro-life people are both equally convinced of the virtue in their stance, and many people fall somewhere in the middle. The topic of abortion rouses up deep emotions inside of everyone, no matter where they stand, and the depth of thought and emotion stirred by these complex and personal topics often turn meaningful dialogue into useless or hurtful battles. 

How do we better understand and converse with coworkers, family, and friends? 

How do we sort through the nuances of our own opinions on such a complicated topic? 

How do we better help women?

Linda Couri is a former pro-choice advocate and employee of Planned Parenthood, so she has experienced the depth of thought and certainty of conviction on both sides of the abortion issue. In her self described “uncomfortable conversion” to being pro-life, Linda has had the benefit of genuinely exploring the values, goals, and motivations behind being pro-choice. Now she references her own life story to create the opportunity for useful and honest dialogue between people who find themselves divided by the issue of abortion.

Join us for a live workshop on Monday July 25 from 1pm CST.

Watch the recording.

Linda Couri has her Master’s Degree in Social Work and her doctoral degree in Ministry.  She is the Director for the Institute for Pastoral Leadership for the Archdiocese of Chicago and is Assistant Professor of Pastoral Theology at Mundelein Seminary. She is a wife and the mother of two young boys.  

Watch the recording.

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As human beings, we have a natural desire to be known. We want to have people that truly know and love the real us – and we probably want to be that person for someone else, too. Work can be a place where many people don’t feel known. In a remote world, work can especially feel isolating.

Gary Chapman identified the 5 love languages: particular ways that we love to give and receive love. And the love languages aren’t just for romantic relationships! You can use the love languages at work to build better relationships with your co-workers. Start by taking the quiz to identify your love language or just read on and see which you relate to the most.

1. Quality Time

It can be easy to spend the whole day heads-down at work. I often forget to slow down and nurture relationships at work. Quality time is my top love language, so I need to spend time with someone before we can truly connect.

Action Item: Set up a 30-minute chat

This could be a coffee date, a remote chat, or a quick walk. The point is to meet with someone to get to know them, not just what they do. Set aside 30 minutes: 15 minutes to chat about work and 15 minutes to chat about life. Have a few questions prepared and watch a connection grow.

Consider setting up the chat with someone you think you have nothing in common with. Who knows, maybe a new friendship will form!

2. Physical Touch

Since the pandemic, in-person interactions are harder to come by at work. If physical touch if your love language, you know that nothing beats seeing a face or spending time in person. When I finally met some remote employees in person, our relationship transformed from talking solely about work to a true friendship.

Action Item: Prioritize human connection at work

If you have the option to go into the office, go. Tell some co-workers that you’re going and ask them if they want to join you. You can even plan a happy hour or dinner after work to make it more fun. If you’re remote, turn your camera on and ask co-workers if they’re willing to do the same. Seeing your co-workers smile, even over Zoom, can be life-giving.

3. Gift-Giving

Everyone loves a good gift and, in my opinion, the best gifts are the ones that you’re not expecting. No one expects gifts at work, so if gift-giving is your love language, this is the perfect opportunity for you!

Action Item: Surprise a co-worker with a small gift at work

This could be anything, but one tip is to make the gift either delicious (literally) or thoughtful. Everyone loves a good snack at work, so bring in donuts, lunch, or a new favorite dip you made to brighten everyone’s day. Putting a personal touch on your gifts makes them even more special. Remember a co-worker’s birthday or promotion and celebrate it! Bring them a card and pass it around all day (physically or virtually) to get co-worker’s signatures. There is nothing better than receiving a small act of thoughtfulness.

4. Acts of Service

We think we’re busy (and we probably are!), but some of our co-workers might be drowning silently in the amount of work or personal tasks they have on their plate. They might also be afraid to ask for help or don’t think they need it. If your love language is acts of service, though, this is your chance to step in.

Action Item: Proactively serve a co-worker or manager

If you see a co-worker or your manager struggling, find something you can do to relieve some stress at work. This could be writing the status report for them, taking notes so they don’t have to, or drafting an email they need to send. Ask them what they need and insist that you have the time to help (as long as you do, of course).

If you’re at the top and don’t have a manager, think about something you could do to serve your people, given what you already have on your plate. Maybe they would appreciate a nice dinner or a few hours off on Friday. Notice what your people need and do what you can to fulfill that.

5. Words of Affirmation

If your love language is words of affirmation, then you know how much positive, life-giving words can impact people. Think about someone at work who just rocks, and tell them!

Action Item: Give a shout-out

Do you ever have moments where you think, “Wow, Sarah is just the best!”  Well, did you tell Sarah that? How will she know that she’s the best if you don’t tell her? Message her, tell her in person, or recognize her in front of your team. Don’t keep your appreciation to yourself!

At work, I’ve encountered many people who don’t believe in themselves or who think they’re unlovable, unworthy, or a lost cause. As a Catholic, I know that these unique individuals are loved and cared for by God, but not all of my co-workers know this or remember this about themselves!

When I think about how I can help, I remember Mother Teresa’s saying:

“In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.” 

Love is a big word, but love can start small. And love at work is important. It is needed. It is wanted.

I am not the world’s most likely Catholic. My already-skeptical family left the Church in successive waves that began in the 1990s and ended with the sex abuse revelations in 2002. I don’t mean that my parents left during this time, although they did – everyone in my family left, perhaps with the exception of my very lapsed maternal grandmother. By my mid-teens, I had lost my faith, too – or at least banished it. I sensed that I was letting go of something precious, but I’m more naturally lazy than the average person, so I didn’t investigate my qualms. I remained away from the Church for several years.

The Examples of Other Catholic Women

No one thing drew me back. I attended a Catholic college mostly because my father, a lifelong agnostic atheist, told me that he approved of Catholic education. I was confirmed in the Church during college. I started going to Mass once in a while, but nothing more. 

I do remember a moment when my perspective shifted. I was exiting a red line metro station in Washington, D.C., during my first year of law school, scrolling through Instagram. I’d followed a Catholic woman’s account because Instagram suggested it, and she was sharing something about The Catholic Feminist podcast. I decided to listen.

Until then, I’d given little thought to what being a practicing Catholic woman in my twenties would look like. I deeply opposed most of the Church’s teachings – on abortion and contraception, yes, but also on the necessity of confession and the continuing relevance of Catholic teachings in general. I believed (as I suspect many Catholics do) that Evangelicals were the ones “on fire” for their faith, and that Catholics more or less shuffled into Church every Sunday and politely demurred when a priest started talking about “the right to life” or worse –  giving up possessions!

But I was wrong.

While listening to The Catholic Feminist, I learned that there were many Catholic, American women who followed the Church’s teachings. I was astonished not only by the observance of these women, but also by their deep, intellectual understanding of Catholicism. I didn’t even know what “magisterium” meant, let alone “theology of the body,” “double effect,” or “ex cathedra” (I probably would have if I’d done all the readings for my RCIA class, but again – lazy). I had been ignorant about Catholicism all along.

I was disturbed. I was 23 and newly engaged. If the Catholic Church was right about things (and it seemed that way to me), I couldn’t just ignore it. But I also knew few people in my life would understand if I changed my opinion on so many matters. I didn’t want to change! Apathy was much easier, and I wanted to choose that, especially since it meant I could sleep in on Sundays. 

I couldn’t, though. Not when I knew there was a universe of Catholic teaching to discover. Whatever my faults, I’ve always at least wanted to do what was right. Now I had a chance. 

So, I came back to the Church.

Reactions When I Went Back to the Church

As it happened, my husband-to-be was extremely supportive, more so than I could have imagined. Most other people in my life took longer to warm up to my change of heart. I think most people found the idea of being Catholic – especially a Catholic woman – to be embarrassing and regressive.

I’m sure my reversion made little sense on the surface. I was always stubborn, pugnacious, and a bit too assured of my own intelligence. Most of all, I hated being told what to do. (Maybe this tendency explains my interest in Joan of Arc, who has taught me that obedience can be a good thing.) The coexistence of such a personality with such a religion was puzzling. Yet I’ve always been headstrong, maybe even arrogant, and I’d always loved being Catholic, somewhere in the depths of my heart.

I’m not sure why I’ve been drawn back to my faith so many times despite spirited resistance. I only know that it’s always been this way – me being drawn to God, me pulling away, me being pulled back again, irritated and overjoyed.

As a middle school teacher, one of my classroom management strategies is slinging one-liners at 12-year-olds in anticipation of their inevitable critiques about pretty much anything that we’re doing. One of my favorites when I’m putting students into groups is, “Don’t worry – you don’t have to marry each other.”  I used this line recently in anticipation of the upcoming middle school dance. A colleague recommended that we prepare students for situations when one student asks another to dance, emphasizing that it is polite and good to accept the offer unless they felt “at risk of physical harm.”

Thinking little of it, I relayed the message to my 7th graders. It didn’t take long for me to regret what I said.

Avoiding Hurt Feelings Isn't True Consent

Asking someone to dance is not a lifetime commitment. However, it is likely that some kids will ask other kids they “like” to dance, and the kids being asked might not “like” their asker. When we tell kids that the only thing to consider is whether they will be physically harmed, we teach a dangerous lesson: That the asker is owed a dance as long as they’re not physically hurting someone, and that the “askee” must only consider the feelings of the asker when making their decision.

Avoiding hurt feelings – whether related to dancing, holding hands, getting coffee, or having sex – is a not justifiable form of consent. The roots of the word “consent” are “feeling” (sent) and “together” (con); so, when you consent to something, both parties involved are feeling something together.

If, at a middle school dance, a student feels uncomfortable with or uninterested in dancing with someone, if she doesn’t want attention for dancing with someone, or if she likes the other student but prefers talking or just doesn’t like to dance, she should be encouraged to say “no” politely – without fear of being told that she “rejected him” or is “stuck-up.” My dance talk with my students suggested that their relationships, whether platonic or romantic, require elevating another’s desires or feelings above their own agency.

Especially when romantic intentions aren’t clear, it is crucial that all parties feel complete control over their choices. The ambiguity of being asked to dance, asked to go for coffee, asked for a phone number, or asked if you want a drink at a bar makes people (women and girls especially) feel like their only option is to say yes. If you say no, you will hurt the feelings of the person who asked or be seen as making assumptions about their intentions. If you say yes, even if you are not romantically interested, you might be accused of “leading them on” when you only intended to be polite.

Learning to Say No (and Yes)

The conversations around not hurting feelings, not leading people on, and apologizing for your lack of interest in someone have shaped my relationships with myself, with my husband, and with other men who I have encountered. I have said, “Sorry, I have a boyfriend” to men at bars, and then felt bad for hurting their feelings (despite the fact that, even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I might not have been interested anyway). When catcalled, I have thought, “Weird, I’m wearing a frumpy outfit today,” turning someone else’s objectification of me into self-criticism.

The day after my first dance “talk,”, I had another “talk” in which I revised my original statement.

I told the kids to say what they really want to say when someone asks them to dance:

“Yes, thank you.”

“No, I would like to keep talking with my friends.”

“Yes, how about you join our group of friends?”

I don’t want my students to learn the things that I am still working to unlearn: that I shouldn’t apologize for feelings that I don’t have, that I can be compassionate without having to feel responsible for others’ happiness, and that when I consent to something, it is because I am feeling with them, not for them.

Want to Learn More?

Take a deeper dive with our course on communicating sexual needs and boundaries. Led by Catholic marriage and family therapist Regina Boyd, in under an hour you can learn how to identify your needs and boundaries, and how to communicate them effectively.

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It's been asked by Congressmen and Political commentators - what does it mean to be a woman? Maybe the better question is, how did we get to the point where people are at such a crossroads when it comes to the definition? Is this a conversation that should matter to feminists? To people of faith? Join us for a conversation with feminist scholar and Catholic convert Abigail Favale.

Join us for a live workshop on Wednesday July 13 from 8-9pm CST.

Watch the recording here.

Abigail Favale, Ph.D., is a professor in the McGrath Institute for Church Life at the University of Notre Dame. She has an academic background in gender studies and feminist literary criticism, and now writes and speaks regularly on topics related to women and gender from a Catholic perspective. Her latest book The Genesis of Gender: A Christian Theory was just released in June 2022 by Ignatius Press. Abigail was received into the Catholic Church in 2014, and her conversion memoir, Into the Deep: An Unlikely Catholic Conversion, traces her journey from birthright evangelicalism to postmodern feminism to Roman Catholicism. Abigail's essays and short stories have appeared in print and online for publications such as First Things, The Atlantic, Church Life, and Potomac Review. She was awarded the J.F. Powers Prize for short fiction in 2017. Abigail lives with her husband and four children in South Bend, Indiana. 

Watch the recording here.

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What’s a topic many people don’t want to touch with a ten foot pole these days? Gender - how to define it, what it means, or if it matters. Yet gender is something every one of us is affected by - regardless of what we think about it. And our workplaces, friends, and culture are increasingly wanting us to proclaim a stance on the topic. 

So let’s go back to the beginning. One of our favorite millennial professors and commentators on gender studies, Abigail Favale, did the research for us and compiled it into her new book The Genesis of Gender. That’s our July 2022 FemCatholic Book Club pick! 

Join FemCatholic Book Club with an All Access Pass

Join the book club for:

• A summary of key notes from the book
• weekly discussion questions
• a network of women inside our Mighty Network community
• a live Zoom panel discussion at the end of the month

#FemCatholicBookClub is part of the FemCatholic All Access Pass Membership, where members support FemCatholic and can access our entire video library of expert webinars, book club discussions, and conference talks.

As we prepare to venture to the pool or the beach, we are faced with inevitable decisions about swimwear. Some of us dread the scenario because we think we’re being judged on the amount of skin we decide to expose. Some of us don’t want to put on a swimsuit at all because we don’t like how our bodies look. And then there’s the matter of finding a swimsuit that matches our style. With so many factors involved, what should we think about as we decide what kind of swimsuit to wear?

I grew up in a community that was strict about dress and “modesty.” I believe there were two motives behind being forced to cover up anything that revealed I was female: First, those enforcing the rules were concerned that if I revealed a certain amount of skin, it would send the wrong message about who I was, my actions, or my intentions. The second purpose was to refrain from attracting unwanted attention or becoming a source of temptation for the males I encountered. I’ve found that this type of rhetoric tends to focus on the negative: “Don’t do this so bad things won’t happen.” But this can teach us that our bodies are bad and need to be covered up. This line of thinking, especially when we’re young, plants a seed that can grow into an unhealthy view of our bodies.

Choosing Comfort and Confidence

Because I was raised in such a strict modesty mentality while also having an interest in fashion, trends, and beauty, it was hard to find clothes that fit all of the criteria I cared about. I wanted clothing I felt confident in and that presented me to others in the way I wanted by expressing my style and personality in a way that flattered my body. Clothing also had to have enough coverage so I could feel comfortable in it. This led me to study apparel design in college, and eventually start and design a line of women’s swimwear to fill this gap.

When I’m designing a new style, I walk through every step of wearing a swimsuit:

How will I feel putting this on? Is it comfortable? What will happen when I bend over, swim, run, or lay down to sunbathe? How will I feel when I wear this around my mom, or brother? Or a priest? Or the guy I’m interested in? Or my 13-year-old niece? Or the creepy guy across the pool?

The main litmus test is, “Do I feel comfortable and do I feel confident?” I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wear anything that isn’t comfortable.

Recently, I was at a wedding reception wearing a dress that was slightly too tight and a bra that dug into my sternum. I spent the end of the night counting the minutes until I’d be able to free myself from the bondage of ill-fitting clothes. On the flip side, I get a slight high and spring in my step when I think I look good, that my clothes flatter my body and figure. I feel confident, and so I’m able to show up as my best self to those around me. My hope with my designs is that every woman has options she can feel comfortable and confident in.

While the attitudes surrounding modesty that I grew up around were not helpful to me in navigating these decisions, the true meaning of modesty provides better guidance. By evaluating our context and intentions in light of the deeper meaning of modesty, our decisions about swimwear can be rooted in freedom, rather than fear or shame.

Context is Everything

As I’ve grown older, I have come to a deeper understanding of what modesty means. I would define modesty as thoughtfully deciding how much we reveal of ourselves to others based on the context we’re in.

You could wear lingerie with your spouse, which would be totally appropriate. However, wearing lingerie on your first blind date would be revealing too much of yourself to that man, in that context. That man on the first date does not yet deserve to see your body in all its beauty. The action is objectively the same – wearing lingerie – but because of the respective relationships with the men in either context, the best kind of clothing is different.

Going back to swimwear, St. John Paul II explained that before we “pass moral judgment on a particular form of dress we have to start from the particular functions which they serve.” He continued to say that, “When a person uses such a form of dress in accordance with its objective function we cannot claim to see anything immodest in it, even if it involves partial nudity. Whereas the use of the costume outside its proper context is immodest and is inevitably felt to be so. For example, there is nothing immodest about the use of a bathing costume at a bathing place, but to wear it in the street or while out for a walk is contrary to the dictates of modesty.”

As he says, there is nothing wrong with wearing a bathing suit that is functional in the context in which you are wearing it. Plus, any woman who has tried to use the restroom in a soaking wet one-piece knows that sometimes having a separate top and bottom is more practical.

At the same time, we should thoughtfully examine our reasons for choosing to wear a particular swimsuit.

Good Intentions

Our intentions matter when we decide which swimsuit to wear. We can ask ourselves questions like:

What is my purpose in choosing to wear this swimsuit? Is it for function? Is it so I can look my best? So I can feel my best? So I can show up as my best self to those around me? Am I trying to look sexy for the men around me? Am I hoping others might feel jealous? Am I ashamed of my body? Am I being overly concerned and therefore wanting to cover up more than is necessary in this context?

Ultimately, it is only us, in conversation with God, who can answer these questions.

The line of teaching that says, “Our bodies can lead to bad things, so we need to hide them,” can lead to us being too hard on our bodies and not viewing them with respect. I’ve spoken to many women who don’t like being seen in a swimsuit because they don’t like how they look or they end up comparing themselves to others.

‍Instead of bowing to the pressure of judgment, shame, and societal beauty standards, let's remember that our bodies are a part of God's creation, which He called “very good.”He didn't say our bodies are very good only if they have perfectly toned abs, if they haven't been through trauma, or only if they’re wearing the latest trend. He “looked at everything He had made, and found it very good.”