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Ten years ago, I went to a new doctor for incredible fatigue: I was sleeping 12 or more hours a night, having trouble staying awake at work, and was unable to maintain a social life. She sent me for rounds of tests, checked many health indicators, and took a full family history. Despite the fact that I highlighted my mother’s recent diagnosis of low thyroid, the doctor found nothing wrong with me. She wrote me a prescription for an antidepressant and told me to lose weight. (At the time, I was medically classified - by the problematic BMI - as on the upper end of “overweight.”) My doctor, my parents, and some of my friends could not see past the size of my body in order to truly see me and to see that something was wrong.
I had passed the depression screen and no previous conversations or tests had indicated that my weight had anything to do with my fatigue. It took two years and two more doctors before I finally received a diagnosis: my thyroid was underactive, and I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). PCOS had never been mentioned or tested for previously. Unfortunately, my story is a classic example of fat bias.
Here are some ways that all of us, no matter our size, can work to build body positivity within ourselves and our society.
Have compassion for yourself
Whatever shape your body is right now, how you regard it is key. The more negative your internal monologue and external speech are about yourself, the harder it is to love your body. While we can aspire to improve our bodies, we should not do so at the expense of our mental and physical health.
Treat others with respect and dignity
Catholics believe that every person is made in the image of God: ourselves and all others, no matter their size, shape, color, beliefs, or lifestyle. Unfortunately, we may judge or dismiss others from time to time, to one degree or another. It’s a good thing to examine this tendency as we strive to grow.
Look around at your friends and family. Do you treat any of them differently if their bodies are larger? Have you ever dismissed a health concern one of them raised because it is a “fat person problem”? Together we can challenge harmful assumptions in the culture around us.
Educate yourself on body positivity and diet culture
Unfortunately, body shaming is one of the few forms of shaming and bullying that is still socially acceptable. The body positivity movement has been around for decades to fight this societal norm - and the movement continues to grow against the $71 billion a year diet industry.
As you start to realize that your fat friends, family members, and co-workers are doing the best they can with the amazing bodies they have, you may want to learn more about body positivity and how to be a friend to them. Here are some places to start:
- Body Respect: An update to the original Health at Every Size, which incorporates systemic privilege.
- “Everything You Know About Obesity is Wrong”: A lengthy but comprehensive article on the research and lived experience of fat persons.
- Your Fat Friend Blog: A timely article to start with is, “Your Fat Friends Hear the Way You Talk About Gaining Weight During the Pandemic.”
Maintenance Phase Podcast: An excellent podcast, often funny and quite incisive, on the scams and assumptions of the diet industry.
Thanksgiving dinners. Holiday light shows. Buying presents for loved ones. New Year’s Eve kisses. Hallmark Christmas movies that half convince you to move back to your hometown to meet the love of your life, even though you’ve swiped through some dating apps when you’re home for the holidays and never once has a burly carpenter showed up (just that one weird kid from high school).
Being single during the holidays can be difficult.
The bon mots of well-meaning relatives and friends don't always help:
“Live your life!”
“Enjoy being independent!”
“Fall in love with God and He will give you the desires of your heart - namely sending you to Vermont to go leaf-peeping and meeting a rugged someone who makes a living tapping maple trees for syrup.”
Kidding! Kind of.
My family lives half a country away, and spending $800 on a round trip plane ticket for a four-day weekend isn't always possible. So it can be difficult to not feel lonely during the season when we literally sing songs about being home for the holidays.
In honor of this festive season of the year and this single season of my life, I’ve rated my top suggestions of holiday activities that you can enjoy with or without a significant other.
1. Going to see Christmas lights (6/10)
Seeing Christmas lights: highly festive. But it can also be cold. And, while you’re enjoying the lights, you also are most likely going to see a gazillion couples snuggling up because (like I said) it’s cold. And it's nighttime, which somehow makes everything more romantic.
However, Christmas light-spotting is usually free, and if you can get some other girlfriends to go with you, it’s fun to see what the department stores downtown are doing or what the Jones’ have done to win "Most Lit House in the Neighborhood" this year.
Pro-tip: Bring hot chocolate. Preferably spiked with Baileys, Jameson, or Kahlua (drink responsibly).
2. Friendsgiving (7/10)
The ultimate “friends are the family you choose” ritual. The best thing about Friendsgiving is that it’s not called "Significant-Others-Giving," so you can be reasonably sure that you can maximize on food offerings while enjoying being with your friends. The rating goes up if Friendsgiving is actually hosted on Thanksgiving. You can impress your friends with that lauded family recipe that in all honesty came from a newspaper clipping your grandmother cut out in the 30’s. The trick is always more butter.
Pro tip: Don’t call it Orphans Thanksgiving – you can FaceTime your parents in the morning.
3. Go to a friend’s house for the holidays (8/10)
An extended stay at a friend's house has some serious Jane Austen vibes. One step up from a Friendsgiving, because a multigenerational gathering gives it that extra ‘family’ feeling. Plus, mom hugs are always the best hugs, whether you’re 8 or 28. Staying at your friend's childhood home can give you insight into the childhood stories of your best friends. End the weekend with their parents loving you more than they love their own kid.
Pro tip: Bring flowers for your hosts, everyone loves receiving flowers. Also, wine.
4. Ice Skating (9/10)
Who says ice skating is a couples activity? Ice skating is a take-your-hands-in-your-life activity. Especially during free skate: teenagers whizz past you, or a toddler falls with their fingers splayed and you have to pivot at the last second to avoid amputating their digits. Despite the Hallmark movie scenes, couples can never skate in sync anyway so someone ends up yelling the same thing over their shoulder three times in order to be heard.
No thank you.
Ice skating is exercise, it's Christmas-y, and it's an awesome solo activity – which means it’s perfect for the single woman in a tinsel-filled city.
Pro tip: Download Christmas music on Spotify for maximum single enjoyment.
5. Volunteering (10/10)
This may be the best reenactment of a Hallmark movie we can do without leaving the big city. One of my favorite volunteer events to do is Christmas caroling at a retirement home with cookies. It’ll warm your heart just like they tell you in Elf.
If your local parish (or local retirement center) doesn’t already have a volunteer event like that, make one! I can guarantee you will find other people in the congregation who would love to join. You can make friends and sing songs, and it feels extra Christmas-y without worrying about meeting under the mistletoe.
Pro tip: Wear a Santa hat. Lean into the moment!
One of my favorite parts of a serious relationship is having a companion for the holidays: bringing someone home for Thanksgiving, making Christmas cookies together, soaking up the joy of the season. Whenever I find myself feeling too sorry for my single self, I reframe it.
Advent, for Catholics, is a season of waiting and preparing. I'm preparing myself for the next season of my life. It’s also a season of generosity. I'm able to give my time and gifts to others. Finally, it's a season of love. I'm so lucky to have friends who I love, who can celebrate with me, or welcome me into their homes. When it's reframed that way... well, it seems like this might be the right season for me after all.
Pope Francis is making waves yet again by requiring all bishops to consult with lay people (i.e. not clergy) in their dioceses during the ongoing synod. This begs two important questions: What on earth is a synod, and what does any of this have to do with real life?
What is a Synod?
A synod is a gathering of bishops to discuss questions about Church teachings and how to minister to people in the Church. After a synod, the bishops often make recommendations to the Pope, who might write a letter based on their conclusions.
These gatherings have occurred throughout the Church’s existence, but they’ve been a permanent fixture in the Church since 1965, when Pope Paul VI created the Synod of Bishops to facilitate more regular discussion of pressing issues among Catholics.
The word “synod” is derived from two Greek words: syn, meaning “together” and hodos meaning “road” or “way.” It’s perhaps in this spirit that Pope Francis has asked every bishop around the world to hold listening sessions in their dioceses and bring feedback to their gathering at the Vatican. It’s an effort to move towards greater collaboration among all baptized Catholics, not just priests and bishops.
A Posture of Listening
Pope Francis has emphasized the importance of listening, something each of us can appreciate. Who hasn’t had moments of feeling unheard or marginalized, especially as women in the Church? Who hasn’t experienced the wonderful gift of having someone truly hear us and respond with love?
In this synod, Pope Francis is asking the Church to not be afraid of the unknown or of new challenges. He’s asking them to be open to asking questions and to not fall into old habits simply because “it has always been done that way.” He’s inviting the bishops especially to make space to listen to every person in the Church - whether they’re regulars at Mass or people who feel rejected by the Church and pushed to the outskirts. And most importantly, he is asking the bishops to be open to feedback, even when it challenges them and causes discomfort.
We can take this moment to incorporate a posture of listening in our own lives. In our friendships, work relationships, and families, we have opportunities to ask questions that go deeper than a cursory “How are you?” We can silence our phone the next time we’re catching up over coffee and ask thoughtful questions to understand more about others’ lives, fears, and aspirations. We can seek out those in marginalized communities and listen to their stories with an open heart that’s willing to be uncomfortable, even when these stories challenge the way we’ve always looked at the world.
Like Jesus himself, we can allow ourselves to be interrupted by those in need of someone who will see them and show them love. By seeing our time and attention as ways to be a gift to someone else, we can accept Pope Francis’s invitation to use this time of the synod to become “experts in the art of encounter.”
We might not be bishops who will bring our feedback to the Vatican, but we can lean into the spirit of the synod by being better friends, family members, and neighbors. Let’s use this time to love better, to listen more, and to walk together along the way.
To participate in the synod itself, check local parish or diocesan communications or contact them directly to inquire.
Bridget Richardson is a Producer at the University of St. Thomas-Houston’s MAX Studios, a video and podcast studio on campus. She earned her B.S. in Journalism and Electronic Media with a minor in Theatre at University of Tennessee, Knoxville. She completed her Master of Arts in Faith and Culture at University of St. Thomas-Houston. Bridget has experience in communications, marketing, dialogue, event planning, social media, and Christian unity initiatives. She is married and has two children.
Why did you become interested in media production? What does a day at work look like for you?
I’ve always been interested in media (or content creation) in some format, either writing or video creation. I majored in journalism and electronic media, and minored in theatre, so storytelling and entertainment have always interested me.
I’m grateful that I have two types of “days” when it comes to my job. I have a hybrid schedule, working both at home and in the studio. Days in the studio are busy and fun, filled mostly with filming interviews with guests or filming commentary for a piece. This is also a collaborative time to work on production pieces (script writing, picking episode themes, etc.) and discuss what’s going on in the world to decide which areas we want to highlight from culture, news, and social justice.
How do you find purpose in your career?
A career in any type of media production can be a grind, but I’ve started looking at what I do as storytelling with a message that shows truth, beauty, and love of others. I enjoy listening to people and asking questions, whether it’s a student telling an interesting story or an expert trying to help people understand something. When I hear a compelling story from a guest who shares an experience from the heart, I want to share that story with the world.
How do you integrate your faith in your career or how do you see them relating to one another?
Since I work at Catholic university, integrating my faith into my career is a big part of my job. When I’m creating a piece of content, I think about how someone can see who Jesus is and how God may be moving in our world. I also try to make connections that people can relate to or help people better understand what we can do as people of faith to serve those in need.
My theatre background and Master’s degree in faith and culture have been integral to this. In theatre, there is a wide diversity of people who are in different stages of their lives and who see the world differently. That’s what makes that artform thrive. Theatre taught me to appreciate someone’s journey and to help them value who they are, because we all have something to contribute. My graduate degree took that to the next level and showed me how to dialogue with others. It’s a good way to get to know people, their values, and the beauty of who they are and who they hope to become.
Can you tell us about one of your favorite production projects?
Inspired after a conference, I created several videos sharing the Gospel through storytelling. They were short, 3-4 minute videos of someone sharing a moment when they encountered Jesus in their life, in small and big ways. My favorite video featured Deacon Greg Hall, a deacon who was famous worldwide for helping rescue the 33 miners trapped during the Chilean Mine Rescue in 2010.
Shortly after he shared his story with me, he passed away. At his funeral, the pastor of Deacon Greg’s parish mentioned that video, said that he had never heard Deacon Greg share that story before, and that it was incredible to hear it. That’s the power of storytelling: When people share experiences that truly changed them, it touches so many people – even beyond their time on earth.
What is one piece of advice for a young woman who’s considering a career in production?
My advice is to go for it! It’s incredibly rewarding to create something that you believe in. By that I mean, if you like to travel, create travel videos. If you enjoy food, create food videos. If you’re passionate about movies, create movies you enjoy! Learn what you need to, make mistakes, make connections, and go for it!
What is your go-to motivational quote?
“Miracles are not contrary to nature, but only contrary to what we know about nature.” – St. Augustine
It’s kind of a weird motivational quote, but let me explain:
This quote reminds me that I don’t have to have it all figured out – in my career, in motherhood, and in life in general. God is operating on a level that I can’t see or understand, and there is great freedom in that. I can make mistakes! Especially in my career, I can get in my own head about not knowing every editing technique or camera angle. As a woman, I feel the need to excel in these areas to level the playing field. But this quote reminds me that what’s asked of me is that I do my best with what I’m given and live my life well. I can only see and understand so much, and if I get a glimpse of a miracle (which, in storytelling, you witness this all the time), that it makes it easier to see God in the ordinary.
At FemCatholic, we treasure the diversity of women in the Church and in the world.
Here are a few of our gift recommendations for any woman in your life:
For the Professional Woman
Curated by Career Section Editor Sophie-Anne Sachs
Ever heard of a reusable notebook? Well, it exists! The Rocketbook Smart Notebook is endlessly reusable and connects to all of her favorite cloud services. Digitally-transcribed notes can be searched and shared in real time, preparing her for the digital age of note-taking.
‘Tis the season to stay warm and cozy - and energized throughout the workday. This Christmas, give her the gift of keeping her drinks warm and ready for her enjoyment. The Ember smart mug allows her to control her ideal beverage’s temperature with a smartphone.
3. Mini Calendar Planner from Blessed Is She
For the woman on-the-go who wants to stay organized and grounded in her faith, this planner has dedicated pages for monthly to-do lists, notes, prayer intentions, and goal-setting. It also features saints of the day and prayer reminders to keep her connected to her faith throughout the year. If you know a career woman who’s looking to deepen her faith, this could be the perfect gift!
For the Health & Wellness Enthusiast
Curated by Body Section Editor Kelly Sankowski
1. Sunrise Alarm Clock
With winter around the corner, it can be a challenge to wake up for early-morning workout routines. Sunrise alarm clocks help regulate our circadian rhythm and promote healthy cortisol levels, making waking up feel more natural even if it’s still pitch black outside. If you want to splurge, check out the Hatch, which has additional sleep-promoting features to make sure she gets the sleep she needs. Or if you’re focusing on the sunrise light as the main feature - and want to pay about a quarter of the price - check out the hOmeLabs alarm. Our Managing Editor, Amanda, is a huge fan of her sunrise alarm clock and highly recommends it for fellow not-morning-people.
2. Water Bottle
Most of us have heard that we’re supposed to drink 8 glasses of water per day, and water intake is even more important if we’re consistently exercising. This is hard to keep track of, so why not get a water bottle that does it for you? You can find lots of creative versions of this (and support small businesses!) on Etsy.
3. Dry Shampoo
To help her get ready on the go after a workout, give her a bottle of dry shampoo. This bottle is cruelty-free and not in an aerosol bottle, so she can care for animals and the environment while she takes care of herself.
For the Global Citizen
Curated by Culture Section Editor Mary Grace Cebrat
1. Shop fair trade.
The global citizen recognizes the dignity of all people, regardless of where they live. Shopping fair trade means ensuring that the artisans who created your goods are paid a fair wage and work in safe conditions. Online fair trade shops like The Little Market and SERRV make shopping ethically as easy as ordering from Amazon. We recommend these cozy sweater season ornaments, this gorgeous eco-leather purse, or a classic tea and mug combo.
PS: Shopping fair trade doesn’t mean breaking the bank! There are plenty of options that are both ethical and budget-friendly.
2. Support women in her honor.
Growing up, my parents had a tradition of supporting charities in our honor based on what we were into. For instance, my Bob the Builder-obsessed little brother would get a donation to Habitat for Humanity, and my budding feminist self would get a school uniform for a girl in the developing world.
Show your friend that you support her activism by donating to a cause that is close to her heart. We recommend microloans for women entrepreneurs through Kiva, welcoming kits for trafficking survivors through Catholic Relief Services, or a flock of chicks through Heifer.
3. Help her stay connected.
There are few worse experiences for avid news consumers than seeing an interesting headline, clicking it, and getting stuck behind a paywall. Consider buying your friend a subscription to her favorite magazine or news source for a gift that will keep giving year-round. We love The Atlantic, America, and of course, FemCatholic.
For the Woman Passionate about her Faith
Curated by Church Section Editor Victoria Mastrangelo
1. Every Sacred Sunday Mass Journal
If your friend is looking for a way to pray more with the Bible or to really engage in Mass, this is a great tool. It includes the readings for all Sundays, along with beautiful watercolor prints and space for journaling with each set of readings.
Lauren designs t-shirts, sweatshirts, and home and kitchen goods with modern and attractive designs that make it easier for your friend to include beauty in her everyday life. If she appreciates ways to display her faith in subtle and not-cheesy ways, Lauren has a design for her!
3. Modern Saint Icons by Gracie
Does your friend love the saints but not the usual paintings (or icons) that portray them? She can decorate her home, office, or prayer space with these modern portraits of the saints that remind us that the saints could be any one of us.
For the People Person
Curated by Sex & Relationships Section Editor Renee Roden
1. Literary Magazines
Give someone in your life the gift of a subscription to the same magazine as yourself. Not only can you learn a lot about history, literature, and global affairs, but you also give the gift of talking about the same ideas with friends and relatives. Our Section Editor, Renée, funds London Review of Books subscriptions for her grandmother and one of her dearest friends, and it brings so much delight to their relationships.
We recommend Harper’s, Paris Review, London Review of Books, and n+ 1.
For the friend who loves deep conversations and getting to know people better, either as a party ice-breaker or for a cozy after-dinner activity with family and friends. This game offers a chance to get to know the people around you in a new way.
3. Heirloom
A new app that allows you to ask your loved ones questions you've always wanted to ask (see a theme here?) and preserve their stories in film. Great for memory-making and the family tree nerd.
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Whether you are called to lead a team meeting, a group of volunteers, or a family, a service-oriented mindset is key to effective, meaningful leadership. In a 2014 address, Pope Francis noted: “For leadership there is only one road: service. There is no other way. Leadership must enter into service, but with a personal love for the people.” Looking into the lives of successful women leaders such as Dorothy Day and Mother Teresa, we see that service was at the core of their leadership. But what else makes a successful leader?
After consulting with female leaders in my own life - and the Harvard Business School - here’s what I learned about the traits of successful female leaders.
Skilled at Communicating
As communicator-in-chief, a leader not only has to make difficult decisions, but she also needs to communicate with people of all walks of life, and on various topics. Having the ability to eloquently express an idea or calmly defend a perspective will support a leader in overcoming cultural and technological barriers. We can learn how to communicate better by taking classes on cross-cultural communication and reading about cultural intelligence.
Nowadays, many women who lead organizations are doing so remotely, and so good communication skills require more than just maintaining eye contact in person. To be a good remote communicator, a leader remains attentive to the tone of her emails and proactively checks in with colleagues.
Regardless of the setting or mode of communication, a good communicator asks questions and listens before jumping to a conclusion. When it comes to communicating well and successfully, sometimes it’s not what you say - but what you don’t say - that matters.
Genuinely Empathetic
Empathy, or the ability to share in the feelings of others, binds us to one another. An empathetic leader will understand her employee’s challenges and try her best to meet them halfway. A friend of mine told me about a time when she told her boss that her son had been sick the night before and that she had not gotten much sleep. Her boss shared what seemed at the time to be empathetic words, and then proceeded into a complex discussion. She never asked her employee how she was feeling that day or how she could alleviate her workload. Her empathetic words were not followed by empathetic actions.
I remember my friend feeling disappointed and dispensable. Since her supervisor hadn’t shown genuine empathy through action, it was difficult for my friend to believe her supervisors’ words. A good leader will not only tell you that she cares, she will show you.
Humble and Resilient
A successful leader never stops learning. In her humility, she is willing to learn in every situation, including from those whom she leads. Agility and innovation characterize a humble leader who is willing to admit that there are better solutions than what she thought of. When a leader doesn’t let pride get in her way, she keeps an open mind to new ideas and opportunities.
In addition to keeping a humble mindset, a successful leader shows resilience. In the face of adversity, she can balance humility and confidence to have a strong character that her team can rely on.
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There is something powerful, almost magical, about Taylor Swift’s new 10-minute version of fan-favorite “All Too Well.” It’s intensely personal, full of idiosyncratic details, yet the feelings behind it are enough to emotionally wreck millions of people who weren’t a part of the relationship but can still relate. Swift’s brilliant imagery, her piercing words, and those poetically angsty bridges all contribute, for sure. But I’d like to posit another reason why “All Too Well (10 Minute Version)” resonates so well with so many young women: it encapsulates the unspoken pain of a culture that expects sex without commitment.
The feminist movement has done a lot of good work in destigmatizing conversations about women’s sexuality and insisting that our sexual pasts don’t define us. A woman’s virginity (or lack thereof) does not say anything about her dignity. Yes, sex is fun; yes, sex should be pleasurable for both partners; but there is still a piece missing from the conversation: sex carries emotional weight. As much as we may try to ignore that weight, it is real, and it intensifies the heartbreak that follows a breakup between two people who formed a physical and emotional bond through sex. “All Too Well” is a case study in that heartbreak.
An “All Too Well” primer
When Taylor Swift released Red in 2012, she worried that the 5-minute-long ballad “All Too Well” would be too sad and personal to resonate with most people. She cut it down from the original 10 minutes to make it more palatable. But it ended up being an unexpected fan favorite, and once Swifties found out there was a longer version available, they couldn’t stop talking about it.
Swift indulged her fans by including the full-length version on Red (Taylor’s Version), but surprisingly enough, it wasn’t just diehard megafans who were willing to listen to the full-length version. It ended up being the most-streamed song on Spotify the day of the album’s release, and she brought it to the general public in one of SNL’s longest musical performances ever. That risk seemed to pay off, as her emotional performance has received rave reviews from the likes of The Atlantic, The New York Times and Rolling Stone.
In bringing “All Too Well (10 Minute Version)” to the masses, Swift made a powerful statement about the value of young women’s emotions. While her younger self obliged producers who told her she needed to rein it in if she wanted people to listen to her, the older, wiser Swift asserts that young women’s raw, unfiltered expressions of emotional pain deserve to take up space, as much space as they need. And that pain is relatable because it’s so familiar to other young women (and men) navigating today’s relationship culture, which all too often leaves people feeling discarded and hurt.
“All Too Well” and sexuality
What does “All Too Well” have to do with sex? Swift has all but confirmed that the song chronicles her brief but intense three-month long love affair with Jake Gyllenhaal and her emotional turmoil as she recovers. One reason it was so intense, Swifties speculate, is that the then-20-year-old Swift may have lost her virginity to Gyllenhaal.
That may seem like a pretty big assumption, but there are some lyrical clues to back it up. First, there’s the scarf theory. Swift sings of a scarf she left behind, which Gyllenhaal hung onto: “But you keep my old scarf / from that very first week / ‘cause it reminds you of innocence / and it smells like me / you can’t get rid of it / ‘cause you remember it all too well.” The comparison between the scarf she left with him and innocence suggests that the scarf is a symbol for her virginity. Then, there are other suggestive lines, such as her description of “nights when you made me your own,” in addition to other sexually suggestive lyrics elsewhere on the album.
Truly, we don’t know (or need to know) if Swift actually lost her virginity to Gyllenhaal. It’s an assumption that her listeners are making, and that affects their perception of the song’s meaning and the way it resonates with them.
The “casual cruelty” of noncommitment
In the first line to deviate from the old version, Swift offers a seemingly minor detail about a keychain: “And you were tossing me the car keys / ‘F--- the patriarchy’ / keychain on the ground.” The naïve Swift sees the image Gyllenhaal projects as this great, feminist guy. But that image falls to the ground as she realizes his feminism is all slogans and no substance. Gyllenhaal gaslights her into believing her desires for emotional connection are unreasonable. Rather than taking her seriously as a partner, as a feminist guy ought to, he holds her to his own standards and belittles her when she deviates from them.
“The idea you had of me, who was she? / A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you,” Swift sings. She resents the way that Gyllenhaal treated her like an object—a lovely jewel, sure, but an object, nonetheless. She was expected to be there for her boyfriend in whatever capacity he desired, sexual or otherwise, without being allowed to express needs of her own. He wanted all the fun of dating a young starlet without any of the responsibilities of being in an intimate relationship with another person with her own thoughts and needs.
What she needed was to feel loved and secure, but her partner refused to express the love she so craved: “And I was thinking on the drive down / any time now / he's gonna say it's love / you never called it what it was.” He refused to commit to her in any meaningful way, publicly or privately, and he gaslit her into believing she was unreasonable for wanting him to express his love and treat the relationship seriously rather than casually.
In perhaps her most piercing line, Swift reflects, “You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath.” She was committed to their relationship like an oath—something serious, long-term, even permanent. On the other hand, he treats her like a secret—something to hide, stressful, to keep under his control, perhaps even something he’s embarrassed or ashamed of. She treats him with the honor of an oath, but he treats her with the reticence of a secret. This mismatch in commitment level leads to their relationship’s demise.
Feeling crumpled and maimed
Because they were not on the same page about commitment, the song suggests that Swift and her partner turn to sex to try to revive their relationship, despite knowing deep down that it was long gone. “And then you wondered where it went to / as I reached for you / but all I felt was shame / and you held my lifeless frame.” She reaches out to her partner for support and connection, but it doesn’t feel right. Instead, she feels ashamed and reduced to a lifeless body. This shame may come from continuing to grasp at a relationship despite admittedly knowing it had been “dead and gone and buried… three months in the grave.” She didn’t trust her own judgment, and she regrets that.
But I imagine another reason she chose the word “shame” rather than something like regret or emptiness was to reflect the unique role that her sexuality played in her feelings of loss of the relationship. Girls growing up in this country receive an onslaught of toxic, shame-oriented messages about sex and purity. Thinking back to better days before the relationship turned sour, Swift remembers the “first fall of snow and how it glistened as it fell,” an image that connotes purity and innocence. In contrast, at the song’s climax, she laments, “I’m a crumpled-up piece of paper lying here,” which is reminiscent of infamous sex-ed exercises that use crumpled paper or no-longer-sticky tape to represent the damage done to girls’ marriage prospects if the have premarital sex.
In this case, our culture is attacking her from both sides—on the one hand, the cultural pressure to have sex to be a good girlfriend or an empowered woman, and on the other side, the cultural taboo that treats non-virginal women as damaged goods. They both hurt women in different ways, and taken together, they’ve left her feeling reduced to a crumpled-up mess rather than a human being with dignity.
Because of the physical nature of their relationship, Swift processes her pain in corporeal terms. She feels “paralyzed” and “bruise[d].” Their time together “broke [her] skin and bones.” She wonders if he feels physically pained in the same way: “Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?” While they were only together for a few months, the corporeal imagery suggests that the physicality of their relationship contributed to the intensity of her pain and the slowness of her healing.
Wisdom from Swift and the Church
There is a reason that the Church guides us to pair sexual intimacy with the commitment of marriage: it is intended to guide us to healthy, committed relationships. We make vows in front of our community to ensure that our love is an oath, not a secret. This is not to say that all marriages are healthy, nor that people who aren’t married can’t be committed to one another.
But Catholic marriage, as God desired it, is intended to give us the best possible outlet to express our gift of sexuality. We can think of this guidance not as a rule meant to restrict our freedom, but rather a piece of wisdom intended to prevent us from suffering the intensity of pain encapsulated in “All Too Well.” With commitment, sex can be sacred. But without it, we are vulnerable to be left feeling maimed and hurt.
Looking at Swift’s body of work, we can see that she eventually comes to a similar conclusion about commitment. In her early songs, such as “Mary’s Song,” “Love Story,” and “Starlight,” she idealizes marriage as the pinnacle of romance, but she is always singing about someone else’s story—Mary’s, Juliet’s, Ethel’s—never does she dare to dream of that future for herself.
As a young woman in her teens and early 20s, she knows that women who think too much about marriage are perceived as either childish or crazy, neither of which is desirable. Our culture expects young women to put off marriage until after they have “found themselves” and established their career, rather than recognizing that marriage can be a space of support and security to grow alongside someone else. Swift ends up suffering through a series of toxic and unhealthy relationships with men who gaslight her into believing that commitment is an unreasonable thing to ask of someone. (I say this not to blame her for her misfortune, as that is only the fault of the people who made the choice to mistreat her, but rather to give context to her development.)
But once she builds a stable, committed relationship with her current partner, Joe Alwyn, Swift’s songwriting begins to blossom in a new direction. She not only remembers her youthful belief that marriage is incredibly romantic; she also begins to realize it is a real option for herself. In her more recent albums, Reputation (2017) and Lover (2019), Swift includes numerous songs that signal her openness to marriage and long-term commitment, such as “Paper Rings,” “New Year’s Day,” and “Lover.” The entire bridge of “Lover” is a statement of vows, prompting some Swifites to speculate that Swift and Alwyn are actually already married. This is probably not true, but regardless, it is powerful to see a mature Swift at 30 singing about marriage with even more awe and wonder than she had as a teenager idealizing Romeo and Juliet.
Okay, but not fine at all
To paraphrase Swift in “All Too Well,” we might be okay in a culture that treats sex casually, but we’re not fine at all. It’s time we take the emotional weight of sex seriously and recognize that it is not unreasonable to expect love and commitment from our partners before entering into sexual intimacy. It’s time that each of us consider for ourselves what we want the role of sex to be in our lives and our relationships, with guidance from the wisdom of the Church, from our own experiences, and even from Taylor Swift.
After the passing of the contentious Texas Heartbeat Bill, social media lit up with exasperated and impassioned opinions from both sides of the aisle. One of the most frequently reposted ideas was a call to mandate vasectomies for all adult men.
Intended as humor, this call was meant to highlight the injustice of forcing women to be solely responsible for the outcome of a two-person activity. The question behind the joke was: Where are the consequences for the fathers?
What makes this idea more compelling for some is that mandatory vasectomies would be a proactive - rather than reactive - solution to unplanned pregnancy. The method is deeply flawed, however, in part because mandating vasectomies for all adult men would still be an individualistic solution to a systemic problem.
But, at the heart of the joke is a question we should ask: Why not make it so that abortion isn’t necessary at all?
Doing so would require us to push back against the American tendency to provide individualist solutions for systemic problems. And this kind of solution is not unique to the abortion debate: We see it time and again in discussions of the climate crisis, privilege, and sexual abuse in the American Catholic Church. Individualist responses follow the “one bad apple” line of thinking. They also look like green-washing advertisements, making individual consumers believe that their personal shopping habits will undo decades of widespread pollution instigated almost entirely by corporations.
Placing responsibility for pregnancy solely on a man or a woman allows the problems that lead to abortion to go unchecked: poverty, education inequality, healthcare inequality, workplace gender inequality, lack of familial and community support, and a rampant culture of violence against women. Women don’t just get abortions because they can. Abortion is a systemic issue, and any number of factors can heavily influence a woman’s decision to procure one.
This is not to say that individual perpetrators of inequality and violence should not be held accountable. However, laws against abortion don’t necessarily alleviate the systemic issues that lead to abortion. Making abortion illegal doesn’t automatically reduce poverty or close gaps in healthcare, education, and work. Making abortion illegal doesn’t magically mend broken families, communities, or churches. And for what it’s worth - mandating vasectomies wouldn’t solve those problems, either.
Individualism is the culprit, not the solution. We need more than individual accountability to make abortion unnecessary - we need to change the systems that often lead to it.
The holiday season comes with many opportunities to spend with family which also can bring some interesting conversations. As you look forward to the most wonderful time of the year, join us for an interview with Regina Boyd to prep yourself for having these tricky conversations with family and setting boundaries, if necessary. Register below and join us live on Nov 23, 2021 07:00 PM Central Time — you'll be able to join the conversation and get your questions answered right away!
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Regina is the Founder of Boyd Counseling Services, a Catholic licensed mental health practice that provides in-person and virtual therapy for couples, families, and teens. She works with clients who are experiencing life changes, desire healthy emotional connection, and seek to develop problem solving strategies within their relationships. Regina is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She is a wife and mother of a delightful toddler. In her spare time Regina enjoys walks with her family, baking, going live for her Facebook and Instagram followers, and listening to Mumford and Sons.
A few weeks ago, you may have seen that President Biden met with Pope Francis in Rome. “We just talked about the fact he was happy that I was a good Catholic and I should keep receiving Communion,” Biden reported to news outlets after the meeting. Among discussions of climate change and coronavirus, Biden’s comment that he should “keep receiving communion” references a debate that’s been happening in Catholic circles about whether he and other Catholics who publicly disagree with Church teachings like abortion should be allowed to take communion at Mass.
The public debate has surfaced ahead of the fall meeting of the US Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). Before the headlines surface, here’s a primer on what’s going on behind all the news about President Biden, the bishops, and the Eucharist.
What Is the USCCB?
The USCCB is an assembly of bishops that does pastoral work (such as helping with education and caring for immigrants) on behalf of Catholics in the United States and the U.S. Virgin Islands. The USCCB schedules biannual meetings, during which bishops from across the United States gather to discuss current issues facing the Catholic Church in the US.
The fall meeting will be held November 15-18 in Baltimore. Earlier this year, the bishops voted 168 in favor with 55 against to draft a teaching document on the Eucharist, which will be a significant part of their November meeting.
But, why does this matter?
The Importance of the Eucharist
Since the time of St. Paul, devotion to the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist has been at the heart of Christianity. This is supported by Jesus’ words in the Gospels, and has been lived out by Catholics throughout the centuries.
The history of Church teaching about the Eucharist isn’t the main subject at hand, but to summarize briefly, the Catholic Church teaches that, “Under the consecrated species of bread and wine Christ himself, living and glorious, is present in a true, real, and substantial manner: his Body and his Blood.”
In other words, Jesus is not merely present in a symbolic way - He is really with us in the Eucharist.
Why the USCCB Is Talking About This Now
A study released in August 2019 detailed American Catholics’ self-reported understanding of beliefs about the Eucharist. Today, “just one-third of U.S. Catholics (31%) say they believe that ‘during Catholic Mass, the bread and wine actually become the body and blood of Jesus.’”
Reactions to this study from the US bishops, Catholics with online followings, and Catholic news outlets were mixed, but ranged from emotions like anger to sadness, incredulity, or a lack of surprise. The results of this study and the bishops’ concern about it give important context for why the USCCB will focus so much on the Eucharist in the coming years.
So, What’s the Deal with President Biden and the Eucharist?
Around the time of the fall USCCB meeting, you can expect to see a lot of discussion in the media about President Biden, his publicly stated pro-choice views, and his understanding of his own Catholic faith - especially after his claims that Pope Francis told him to, “keep receiving Communion.”
Most media outlets, whether Catholic or not, tend to look at the bishops’ conversations about the Eucharist through a partisan lens, only concerned with the question, "Can or can't someone receive Communion if they don't believe xyz?” In particular, many pieces written on the subject focus on whether politicians publicly support or disagree with the Church’s teaching on abortion.
That said, it should be noted that in the wake of the spring meetings, the USCCB published an official statement to clarify what will and will not be addressed in the document that we'll see after the fall meetings: “The document being drafted is not meant to be disciplinary in nature, nor is it targeted at any one individual or class of persons.”
The statement makes it clear that, regardless of journalistic and social media discourse, politicians who publicly hold views contrary to Church teaching will not be addressed by name or by category in this document. It seems that the written document will more generally address the understanding of the Eucharist in the lives of American Catholics today.
Some might see not naming particular politicians and calling them to conversion as weak; others will see it as wise given the state of discourse in the US. Still others will pick up on intent that the document itself doesn’t support, and this is where we can give into the same divides that we’re trying to avoid.
A Guide for Navigating This Discourse
We should be wary of discussions about Communion that focus more on partisan debate than on Jesus and how the Eucharist should strengthen and transform us.
When bishops or well-known Catholics are genuinely trying to encourage greater love for Jesus in the Eucharistic, it’s great to engage in those conversations.
When news outlets report their understanding of what this means for the 70 million+ Catholics in the United States, it’s wise to be more discerning in what we read and accept as true.
But when this conversation is used to lend support to politicians, or when it is used to further stoke the anger of individuals who wish that politicians would be publicly disciplined for their reception of Communion, the conversation is more likely to be an inaccurate account of what’s taking place.
If you’re struggling to absorb all of this “eucharistic coherence” talk and find yourself drawn into hot takes and Twitter sound bytes, it’s perfectly acceptable to take what Simcha Fisher calls her “medieval peasanting” approach: avoid reading news that fuels your own fury and remember that we are first called to pursue a relationship with God in our own lives.
Taylor Swift paired the release of her re-recorded second studio album, Fearless (Taylor’s Version), in February with a clear statement about work: “Artists should own their own work.” This seems obvious but, in fact, it’s not so simple. As she gears up to drop Red (Taylor’s Version) this week, we’re taking a closer look at her decision.
Why did Swift re-record her music?
Swift announced plans to re-record her first six albums after parting ways with her long-time label Big Machine Label Group, which was purchased by Ithaca Holdings, Scooter Braun’s investment company. Without getting into the gritty details, Braun (manager of Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande) and Swift haven’t been on good working terms for years, so the buy out didn’t sit well with Swift or her fans. She’s not the first artist to re-record her music, but her decision sheds light on how the music industry is structured, often at the expense of artists.
When you listen to a song, you rarely think about who owns it or how the revenue is divided. A song is composed of the music (the master recording) and the lyrics (the controlled composition). Each is a separate right an artist (or third party) can have over a song, meaning there are two different ways to collect revenue from that song in the form of royalties.
When you sign to a label, you are signing with a partner that will help you create and market your music, develop you as an artist, and help bring your sound into the world. Most label deals are 360—meaning you sign away most or all of your master and publishing rights, as well as percentages of your touring and merchandise income in exchange for an advance to fund the project. For some artists, it’s necessary to sign away rights for a period of time because the potential gains (namely, money to fund projects and industry connections) outweigh the possible losses. In Swift’s case, she signed to her former label as a young teen in 2006, and the deal would have likely been set up similarly.
Swift doesn’t own the masters for her first six albums, which have collectively grossed hundreds of millions of dollars, but she does own the controlled compositions. By releasing new versions of these albums, she’s asking fans to stream and purchase the versions she owns entirely, rather than the original versions. Swift is claiming ownership over her work and calling out a system that seems to place a higher value on return on investment than the rights of creatives. It begs the question: Is the music industry’s current business model sound or fair?
Catholic Social Teaching can inform the conversation
As you probably guessed, the situation requires a more nuanced reading. When thinking about her re-recordings through the lens of Catholic Social Teaching, we are reminded by Pope Benedict XVI, paraphrasing his predecessor Pope Paul VI, that “the primary capital to be safeguarded and valued is man, the human person in his or her integrity.”
One of the main themes of the Church’s rich social teaching is the dignity of work and the rights of workers, which at a basic level calls on the global economy to put people first, paying living wages and treating workers with compassion. Among these rights are the right to decent and fair wages, to private property, and to productive work.
There is beauty in working, and to earn a living in its purest form should and can be life-giving, provided that economic structures are set up to support the dignity of workers. Whether music artists own their work in full is only a part of the conversation. What is a fair wage when music streaming pays artists in pennies? How do you incentivize the music industry to break out wages in more equitable ratios from the start? How do you make money when you can’t tour?
In an industry where the primary good being sold is a person’s intellectual property, it’s impossible to ignore these tenets. It is good business when workers thrive. Ensuring that everyone is paid fairly is at the heart of the battle Taylor Swift is now waging.
This post was co-authored by Tatiano Angulo and Natalia Angulo-Hinkson.
Tatiana Angulo is the founder of ISA+JUDE, an artist management consulting company and social media and data analytics firm. She is also an adjunct professor at her alma mater, Belmont University, teaching Intro to Social Media Analysis. A Colombian-American with Texas roots, she now calls Nashville her home. You can find her on her website (isajude.com) or on Instagram @isa_jude.
Natalia Angulo-Hinkson is an Emmy-nominated journalist and skilled communications professional. Storytelling is at the heart of her work and, in her current capacity, she helps lead strategic communications for new business pursuits. Natalia lives in Houston with her husband and daughter, where they enjoy exploring their dynamic city. You can find her on Twitter @natisangulorico.
I was put on the pill when I was 16 - not because I was sexually active and wanted to prevent pregnancy, but because I experienced horrible cramps during my period. When I went off the pill in college, those horrible cramps came back.
Even though the pill helped with my cramps, I stopped taking it because there were unwanted side effects from using a hormonal contraceptive, which I thought were worse. Personally, I experienced depression when I was taking the pill, but I know that other women experience different problems from their hormonal contraception.
I was able to get rid of my cramps without the pill through diet and lifestyle changes, and with fertility awareness. It took a little longer, but I thought it was well worth feeling mentally like myself again. Plus, I could use fertility awareness to avoid or achieve pregnancy without any side effects once I got married.
If you’re also experiencing unpleasant side effects from your hormonal contraceptive, I want you to know that there are natural methods available - and they work.
Natural methods (aka fertility awareness methods) are often confused with the old “rhythm method.” But in the last 50 years, scientific research has helped doctors understand with great precision how to pinpoint the time of a woman’s ovulation, even if she has irregular cycles. Not only can these natural methods help you avoid pregnancy if needed, they can also provide important information to help you and your doctor understand the cause of - and treatment for! - whatever you need relief from.
When I started looking into these methods, I had no idea where to begin. Between personal experience and taking multiple classes, here’s what I learned:
The Signs of Fertility
Based on scientific research, methods of charting your cycle are designed to help you know with accuracy which days you could get pregnant if you have sex. Charting tracks one or more of the following signs of fertility:
Cervical mucus: Each month, you can feel a sensation that usually lasts for a few days. A yellowish or clear discharge will appear when you wipe yourself with toilet paper. This discharge is a sign that ovulation is near. The texture and appearance of the mucus will change as ovulation approaches.
Body temperature: If you take your temperature every morning for a month, you will see an abrupt elevation of your body’s temperature after a certain point. That’s one sign that ovulation just happened.
Hormonal production: Right around the time of ovulation, your body produces two key hormones: luteinizing hormone and estrogen. These can be detected in your urine with a simple at-home test.
Cervix position: The cervix is positioned high, open and soft around the time of ovulation and it’s positioned low, closed and firm otherwise. With a bit of guidance, you can learn to tell the difference on your own.
Fertility Awareness Methods
Using these signs of fertility, several methods of charting can meet a woman’s specific needs:
Mucus-only methods or ovulation methods: They’re probably the most widely used. They work well for women with a fairly normal production of mucus.
Sympto-thermal method: This method uses two primary signs (mucus and temperature) and one optional sign (position of the cervix). It works well for women who appreciate greater confirmation from using more than one sign. It also works best for women who have a routine schedule, as your temperature should be taken at the same time every day.
Sympto-hormonal method: This method helps you detect the production of key fertility hormones with a simple at-home urine test, with an option to cross check with mucus observation.
Which one is right for you?
If you’d like to try a natural fertility awareness method, but don’t know which to pick, ask yourself some questions like:
Do I want a method that is simple and straightforward, or something that is more involved but gives me more information?
How much am I willing to spend on both instruction and materials to use the method?
Do I need a method that helps me understand any reproductive health problems like irregular or painful periods?
Can I wake up at the same time every day (or without too much variation)?
Do I want to incorporate gadgets and technology?
Do I want my method to be green (i.e. have little waste)?
Natural Womanhood has a great quiz you can take that includes these questions, plus even more.
If you’re fed up with hormonal birth control but don’t know where to turn - don’t worry, you have options! I hope this information is helpful for you to choose the method that is right for your needs and your lifestyle.