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It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Nope, not Christmas. And not PSL season, either.
Football season is in full swing. The College Football Playoff rankings are about to come out, and I just navigated a tough week for my fantasy football lineup. This weekend I’m headed to a game to cheer on my hometown team, and I hope I lose my voice by Sunday (just in time to watch the NFL all day).
Believe it or not, my sports fan idol was actually not my dad - it was my grandma. She loved Notre Dame football and handed down that passion to me. She kept coming to South Bend for every home game, even after my grandpa died. While I learned more about the actual game of football from friends and SportsCenter, my grandma instilled a lifelong love for the sport and my teams.
My journey of football fandom
All my life, though, football fandom has come with baggage and skepticism from others.
During middle school and early high school, my interest in sports as a fan came with expectations from others. People expected me to act like a tomboy. (I didn't.) They assumed I wanted to play sports as much as I wanted to watch them. (I didn’t.) There was even some weird pressure to actually be athletic. (I’m not.)
It felt like I had to prove my fandom by behaving like an athlete. It wasn’t enough to just want to cheer for my favorite team; I had to be good at sports to justify my interest in them. But this pressure was unique to me being female. My unathletic, male cross country teammates were in as much of a rush as I was to get off the bus after a meet and start watching the afternoon games, but no one questioned their motivation.
At best, people seemed to imply that my being a football fan was “cute.” At worst, their assumptions were much more damaging.
In high school and college, my hanging out with football players and other athletes was often accompanied by the assumption that I was hooking up with them. Some of the harshest reactions came from other girls, who accused me of just “playing the role” of sports fan to attract guys.
And while, admittedly, I did have my fair share of shallow relationships, my interest in football was always genuine. Being able to speak about the actual game as a topic of mutual interest was the foundation for many of the friendships I made in college.
As I got older and learned more, I grew to care more about the sport. I grew up cheering for Notre Dame football, but my interests broadened as I learned more about other schools and conferences, and different styles of play and coaching. I got into recruiting and worked for Rivals.com.
I even had a gig at the local high school in my hometown working the scoreboard for home football games. I’ll never forget when I walked into work my first game back. My old cross country coach saw me and said, “I’m not surprised to see you back here,” which I took as the highest compliment. My coach always knew that I was a true fan.
A better future for female fans
I’ve moved past being offended when women listen skeptically to me talking about my love for the sport. But really - ladies, can we please stop gatekeeping in this way, by policing other women’s interests and questioning their motivations? Let’s lift each other up, not push each other down. Let’s embrace our diversity of interests as women.
Maybe football will always have more male than female fans because it’s a sport primarily played by men. But I do think that as we raise our daughters to be athletes, fans, cheerleaders, and team managers, we can do more to erode the stereotypes that often come with being a girl in the stands. Being a fan doesn’t have anything to do with the boys - it’s about the sport. And the sooner we can move away from other assumptions, the better.
So if you ever get skeptical looks at the sports bar or judgy remarks about being the only girl in your fantasy league, just remember that women have a right to feel like they belong in football fan circles. Continue to cheer for your team and your players from the heart. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone, and you belong in this space just as much as the guys do.
In September, I grabbed dinner and drinks with a former boss (and mentor) to celebrate my recent promotion and career transition. At around 8:30PM, he checked his watch, finished his drink (we had a couple each), and called the waitress for the check.
The night was ending earlier than I expected, so I asked him to drop me off at a neighborhood bar that was walking distance from my sister’s apartment. She wasn’t home from work yet, so I planned to wait for her there.
An hour passed by and I somehow drank two more (unnecessary) drinks. At some point I understood that “drinking until my sister came home” would have me sufficiently inebriated, so I closed my tab and walked back to her apartment. In the morning, I paid for it with a hangover that tethered me to the living room couch until mid-afternoon.
Why was this subconscious voice telling me that my night could not end at 8:30PM? Why did I feel that I had to order an alcoholic beverage at the restaurant at all?
It got me thinking of our heavily booze-oriented culture: brunch, tailgating, “pre-gaming” the simplest event, and even “needing” a glass of wine after work or racing to our nearby happy hour multiple times a week. This kind of culture can make you feel guilty - or at least odd - for not drinking, as if we are less fun without a couple of drinks in us.
The consequences of this social drinking lead to a difficult line to balance. It’s a balance that can make you fun and attractive, but also quickly embarrassing and gluttonous. Who remembers the friend that never even made it to the event because they were drunk at the pre-game? Alternatively, who remembers the uncomfortable side eyes when someone said, “I don’t want to drink right now”?
What was my attraction to this level of social drinking? Is the level of our social drinking normal?
I’m not the only one feeling the pressure and discomfort of a social scene orbiting around alcohol. Chrissy Teigen spoke about her newfound sobriety in late August, “after growing tired of feeling unwell and embarrassed after drinking.”
Chrissy found it best to call it quits with alcohol after the traumatic death of her son Jack and, at the time of this writing, even amidst the pain of loss she celebrates nearly 9 months of sobriety: “I don’t really feel like I fully processed jack and now that I don’t have the alcohol to numb it away, things are just…there, waiting to be acknowledged.”
Collectively as a culture, as the current pulls us toward bottomless mimosas and Two-for-One Tuesdays, are we possibly numbing ourselves to our own “things” to be acknowledged?
I wasn’t raised with a specific faith background or religion. When I converted to Catholicism, one of the first habits I knew would need to change was my relationship with alcohol. As much as I loved late, alcohol-induced nights on the weekend, I valued my prayer life and next-day energy more.
Even before that September dinner, I had incorporated the coined term “sober curious” in my daily prayer lately. How much was too much? What was the balance between enjoying a drink and using alcohol to self-soothe? It’s a balance that requires reflection and discernment. Prayerfully, I’m not in a place where I need to cut out alcohol entirely.
However, I am now looking more closely at my hideaways in neighborhood bars, or reading my latest book while holding my whiskey on ice. What am I hiding from? Where could my time be better spent?
What is our culture hiding from? What are we seeking to find? And will we find it at the end of our bottle?
Netflix’s The Chair tells the story of Professor Ji-Yoon Kim, who was promoted to chair of a prestigious university’s English department during a tumultuous time. Ji-Yoon’s character is also a single, adoptive mom of a young girl named JuJu. As a single, adoptive mom myself, I haven’t seen much of this kind of representation. In fact, the only single, adoptive parent roles I’ve seen depicted fathers (Gru in Despicable Me 2 and Jean Valjean in Les Misérables). So, I was interested to see The Chair’s depiction of this role.
What it gets wrong
Unfortunately, I was disappointed overall. Ji-Yoon’s role as a mother is not the main plot of the series, so there wasn’t much screen time to develop the nuances of the mother-daughter relationship. Instead, JuJu’s role was relegated to a negative stereotype: the unattached adoptive daughter with behavioral and boundary issues, and problems at school.
I am exasperated by the media’s continued insistence in depicting adopted children as one-dimensional, troublesome, inappropriate, and unattached individuals. They threw in every stereotype in the book: being aloof and uncaring, drawing disturbing pictures, running away multiple times, yelling, biting at school, giving the silent treatment, getting suspended, and screaming, “You’re not my mom!” All they missed is JuJu setting something on fire. Of course, everyone’s experiences are different, and some adoptive kids do exhibit some of these behaviors. But if producers want to responsibly depict these behaviors, they also need to take the time to work through the complex emotions of loss, grief, confusion, and identity that drive those actions.
Furthermore, none of these behaviors were addressed by the adults caring for her. When Juju’s teacher suggests that she go to therapy, Ji-Yoon ends up using the therapy sessions for herself. Grandpa refuses to speak English to JuJu and won’t let her bring her comfort-stuffie because it’s Hello Kitty, and he has issues with the manufacturers. Nobody stops to ask JuJu about her feelings when she is running away, drawing disturbing pictures, etc. JuJu even uses her Dia de los Muertos project to support Ji-Yoon and a family friend in their grief, but nobody asks the child how to support her in her grief of losing her biological family.
At the end of the show, JuJu finally gives her mom a hug when she is crying and then speaks Korean to her. Frankly, I hated this part. It depicted healing and growth within the family without showing any effort from the adults involved to work towards that. The show doesn’t do justice to the intricacies and complexity of adoption, and all of the emotions associated with it. Overall, it is unfortunately a stereotype-addled show that added an adoptive element for increased conflict and drama.
What it gets right
All that said, there were a few elements of the show that I did appreciate.
The mom guilt: I think this is something that all moms can relate to. There’s an additional layer to this thought process that happens in adoption because there is a “choice” involved. Ji-Yoon says of JuJu’s birth mom, “Why did she pick me? … I’m a raw deal; different skin, no father, old, no dog, no siblings.”
So many times, I’ve wondered about my own child: Would she be better off in a two-parent household? With a family that can give her more attention? With someone more like her? Someone wealthier? Someone more ready to be a parent? A family with other kids? So, in this case, The Chair does highlight an element of the adoption process that I know to be true for me.
Sharing heritage and traditions: The Chair portrays an interracial adoption and I was pleased to see that it was not the typical “white savior” situation. Ji-Yoon is Korean, and JuJu is Mexican. Ji-Yoon made an effort to ensure JuJu’s heritage was learned and respected in their family. She arranged for JuJu to learn Spanish, and they planned a vacation to Oaxaca, where JuJu’s ancestors lived.
JuJu was also actively involved with Ji-Yoon’s family, learned Korean, and participated in Korean traditions. One of the most heartfelt moments of the show was when JuJu made a Dia de Los Muertos altar for Ji-Yoon’s deceased mom. I thought that was a sweet way to bring both of their heritages together. Still, as mentioned above, I think that this part could have been done better by showing increased emotional support for JuJu and her own grief.
“Duly F---ing Noted”: Let me set the scene: Ji-Yoon and JuJu are in the car. Ji-Yoon is running late and feeling pressured at work; she is trying her best, but everything is falling apart. On the other hand, JuJu is feeling hurt that her school project representing her heritage is not receiving enough attention. Ji-Yoon is distracted and JuJu is angry.
JuJu: “P--a” (a bad word in Spanish)
Ji-Yoon: “The reason you know the word p--a is because I am giving you Spanish lessons. The reason we are going to Oaxaca this summer is because some of your ancestors are from there.”
JuJu: “Ava is going to Disneyland.”
Ji-Yoon: “Duly f---ing noted.”
I felt this deep in my soul and had to pause the show to laugh. Honestly, I’ve thought some version of this line many, many times, and I am sure I’ve verbalized it, too. It’s a line of surrender, of defeat, of that “I’m doing the very best I can, and it’s noted that I am failing you at this moment, but I’ve got nothing else to give,” feeling.
What it can remind us of
Single parenting, adoptive or not, is hard. Like Ji-Yoon, I have people in my life who give of their time and provide support, but it still can feel incomplete. It is hard prioritizing your time, playing both “Mom” and “Dad,” being the sole person accountable for all of the responsibilities, finding childcare, not letting the pressures of work seep into home life - the list goes on. We give everything we have, and sometimes it is just not enough.
It is at these times especially that I turn to God and put everything in His hands. In our discouragement, mistakes, and brokenness, we are enough for Him. Wholeness, strength, comfort, and joy will only come through a relationship with God. Consider how your relationship with God and your prayer life play a role in your decision making as you plan for your family. God wants nothing but good for you, and no matter the situation - single or married, biological kids or adopted kids or no kids at all - He will be with you and provide grace, comfort, and love.
Overall, The Chair was an entertaining and hilarious show, and I would recommend it. It is not, however, a show I would put on a list as a holistically good representation of adoption.
When trying to recruit more women, it has become trendy for companies to offer to cover the cost of egg freezing as a benefit. The rationale: Freeze your eggs so you can focus on building a successful career without having to worry about children.
One such company is Facebook and, as an article in Vice observes, the idea is meant to be empowering, a “message [that] dovetails with the argument that Sandberg helped shape, at Facebook and beyond, five years ago: that egg freezing gives women real agency rather than the illusion of it.” However, a former employee wrote that she found the company’s approach to offering this benefit “paternalistic,” saying that she felt pressured to freeze her eggs while working long hours: “All I had to do was devote myself to work and everything else would be magically taken care of.”
In an article for Bloomberg Law, attorney Lauren Geisser asks whether the popularity of egg freezing benefits will “result in our society accepting the male-oriented workplace where motherhood is incompatible with work and should thus be delayed.” It’s an important point to consider, especially as Catholics look to make our society more supportive of families.
Furthermore, there is no mandated paid maternity leave in the United States and, for women at companies with fewer than 50 employees, there isn’t even mandated unpaid maternity leave. According to a 2019 survey by the Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF), only 25% of employers offer paid parental leave “to at least some employees” and only 35% of Americans work at companies that offer paid parental leave. In addition, many companies have fostered an environment that is unsupportive at best and punitive at worst to working mothers — a reality that the COVID-19 pandemic has put in sharp focus, as almost 2.4 million women left the workforce between February 2020 and February 2021, compared with fewer than 1.8 million men.
In this context, we can see how offering egg freezing as a “benefit” to working women might be a cop-out for an employer: It’s more appealing to have a childless woman working over 40 hours per week than to have a woman leave for weeks at a time after having a baby, and then manage the demands of motherhood with the demands of her job.
In his 1995 “Letter to Women,” Pope St. John Paul II wrote that “a greater presence of women in society […] will help to manifest the contradictions present when society is organized solely according to the criteria of efficiency and productivity, and it will force systems to be redesigned in a way which favors the processes of humanization which mark the ‘civilization of love.’” Whether overtly or subtly, viewing fertility as an obstacle to a woman’s career is a prime example of organizing society according to the criteria of efficiency and productivity. We might ask ourselves what these companies are really saying when they offer egg freezing as a benefit.
We live in an era where women are going to great lengths to prove our worth in all fields, yet still earn 84 cents for each dollar our male counterparts earn. The glass ceiling has been shattered across sectors and we have our seat at the table, but does our pay reflect that? The woman who knows her worth and advocates for herself is bound to be respected and compensated fairly. On top of that, when one woman successfully negotiates her salary, she can set the tone for the women who will follow her.
You might negotiate your salary on several different occasions; for example, when you are accepting a job offer or when you are up for a promotion. Either way, salary negotiations are critical for landing an income that fairly compensates your work and for setting yourself up for future success. When thinking about negotiating a salary ahead of a promotion, here are some questions to ask yourself:
When was my last promotion or bonus? Is that consistent with market research?
How does my employer show that they value me?
Does my current salary fit my projected budget?
What amount should I be compensated for my time and skillset?
You see, salary negotiations start months ahead of when that raise hits your paycheck. Regular check-ins with your supervisor provide constant opportunities to showcase your worth and plant the seeds for the big ask. When starting your salary negotiations or negotiating a new job offer, keep these things in mind:
Know Your Value
“I want my boss to value my work - to value me,” one of my friends sighed as she wrestled with the feeling of worthlessness at work. She’s a brilliant woman with a lot of experience in her field, but she was running into a wall trying to understand why she wasn’t getting her well-earned raise. The truth is that she did not know her value. She accepted and completed complex assignments, but had self-doubt in presenting herself. That lack of confidence outshone her valuable work. If you don’t know your value, it’s hard to successfully advocate for yourself. Here are three ways to discover the value you bring to work:
- Keep tabs on your wins.
- Ask for feedback.
- Seek assignments that showcase your strengths.
Do Market Research
Entering salary negotiations equipped with job market research will place you at an advantage in your discussion. Several websites offer salary tracking for job titles within a certain geographic area. Otherwise, if you are considering a new job, you may want to check in with someone who previously held that role and ask them for their previous salary range.
Take the following factors into account when researching: education level, zip code, years of experience, and required skills.
Think Creatively
To attract and retain talent, employers are thinking outside of the box about the benefits they can provide. For example, some companies offer free childcare, tuition reimbursement, extra paid leave, or gym memberships. As Glassdoor career experts state, “Your salary is more than a deposit to your bank account: it’s how your company shows you that they appreciate your work and value you and your skills.”
If you’re comfortable with your income as it relates to your budget, can you think of any benefits that your employer could provide? Negotiating perks into your job offer is another way to ensure that you’re fairly compensated for your work. One benefit to be cautious of is a “signing bonus.” On the surface, they seem appealing, but this one-time bonus might not guarantee an ongoing promotional path with a raise.
When the time comes to make the big ask, try not to fear or stress about the outcome. If you know your value, have done the research, and considered your other options, you’re bringing your best self to the discussions. Whether you receive the raise or clarity on next steps to work towards one, making the ask will move you one step closer to your ideal salary and open doors for the women who will follow in your footsteps.
“There is an urgent need to achieve real equality in every area: equal pay for equal work, protection for working mothers, fairness in career advancements, ... This is a matter of justice but also of necessity.”
- Saint Pope John Paul II, Letter to Women, 1995
The brutal reality of COVID has made us confront our mortality in a collective way, mourning the deaths of friends and family, as well as the isolation of our own homes. It might be easy to fall into despair as death no longer seems like some distant event waiting for us after retirement, when our children and grandchildren are grown, or after that round-the-world trip on our bucket list.
Death may be a universal experience, but as Americans, it is often taboo to speak of it. We do practical preparations, like invest in life insurance plans, and then leave it to Hollywood dramas or true crime documentaries to tell us how to feel about death. In my case, it was a children’s film that helped me reflect on my own spiritual connection to the dead.
In November 2017, my husband and I decided to take our children to watch the movie Coco at the local theater. I remember sitting there in the dark during the last scenes of the film with tears streaming down my face, choking back sobs so that I wouldn’t scare my kids. But, children notice everything, and when mine asked why I was crying, I explained that I was thinking about my own grandparents — the endless love they had for me and the way my grandfather, Juan Rafael, lost so much of his memory by the time he died at 94.
Although Coco takes a great deal of license with Mexican cultural and theological beliefs, the celebration of the dead is a foundational aspect of my upbringing and one that the film captures in all its colorful glory. The film moved me so much more than any other children’s film. I was even willing to forgive the depiction of alebrijes as integral to Mexican culture, when they are primarily a form of folk art from Oaxaca dating just to the 1930s.
Death in Mexican Culture
For as long as I can remember, death has been present in my family’s daily life. Not in a frightening or gruesome way, but quite the opposite. Even outside of Halloween, All Saints Day (November 1), and All Souls Day or Day of the Dead (November 2), most Mexican households encourage open dialogue with their departed loved ones. This can be through prayer, song, or dedicating a meal in their honor.
Listening to stories of the dead interacting with the living was so commonplace that I never thought to question their veracity. My mother and father didn’t tolerate a lot of frivolity in our upbringing, so the stories of dead girls returning lost embroidery needles or turning on the lights in an empty room were simply true in my mind. The stories softened the boundary between our life and their death. As I grew older and understood the Catholic Church’s teachings on the communion of saints, the idea that I was spiritually connected to the dead through our sharing of the Body of Christ felt intuitive.
The Communion of Saints in Everyday Life
The communion of saints exists in three states: the Church Militant (the living), the Church Penitent (those in Purgatory), and the Church Triumphant (those in Heaven). Catholics believe that praying for the intercession of saints in Heaven can help those of us on Earth or in Purgatory.
Even now, as I usher my children into my parents’ home for an afternoon of swimming or pozole, we’re greeted by an altar above my mother’s sewing machine table, just as it was arranged throughout my life. At the center of the altar stands a statue of Our Lady of Guadalupe covered in rosaries, bouquets of roses in various stages of decay, and an ever-growing assortment of photos and funeral cards of friends and family. For many of these family members buried nearby, it was normal for our family to have an impromptu lunch or early dinner at the cemetery, sharing burritos and pan dulce over their graves to mark a birthday or death day, the day they were born into Eternal Life.
Today, most of my siblings are married and have children. It’s difficult to gather at the cemetery throughout the year, but we have continued to celebrate our dead on November 2. We spread out our picnic blankets over grave markers and let the kids chase each other in circles until we’re ready to call them over for a decade of the rosary and lunch. When I watched Coco for the first time with my children, I was filled with the same joy that I had running around cemeteries as a child, understanding that I will continue to be connected to all the people I love on Earth even as they move on into Heaven.
This time of year is one I look forward to, not only for the fun of dressing up and gathering together with friends and family, but also because as nature changes in preparation for winter, it’s a fitting time to explore our own feelings about death. As Catholics, we carry the hope of Heaven with us. And because we carry a connection with all of the dearly departed, death is not an unknown to us.
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During the summer’s Olympic programming, Simone Biles, superstar gymnast and Catholic public figure, sparked controversy when she shared her thoughts on abortion with her social media followers. Biles voiced her support for abortion as an option for women who do not want to consider the messiness of foster care for their unborn children.
There’s a lot to unpack here - and also a lot of truth in what Biles said about the foster care system.
America’s foster care system is bursting at the seams
Here are some quick facts about America’s foster care system:
- There are approximately 424,000 children in the foster care system in the United States.
- The average child in the foster care system is 8 years old.
- In 2019, one-third of the children in foster care were young people of color.
- 20,000 youths between the ages of 18-21 will age out of foster care each year.
- 120,000 children are waiting to be adopted right now.
Biles is right about one thing: Our foster care system in America is bursting at the seams. There are several parties at play in the system: guardians ad litem, caseworkers, biological families, foster families, foster care specialists, attorneys, judges, doctors, teachers - the list goes on.
There is paperwork and red tape, not to mention an unfathomable caseload. Foster and biological families alike express frustration with turnover within the system. In Douglas County, Nebraska, where I live, caseworkers testify to managing up to 30 cases at a time! There are so many moving pieces, so many kids experiencing neglect and abuse, and such a shortage of foster families. With such an intense workload on the shoulders of employees who are typically underpaid and overworked, it’s to be expected that the organizations providing caseworkers and social services experience consistently high turnover.
CASA: The Court-Appointed Special Advocate
However, there is one other position that I believe is a game changer: the Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA).
National CASA recruits, trains, and supports qualified volunteers to advocate for a specific child or sibling group in the foster care system of their local community. These volunteers are objective advocates working exclusively for the best interests of their assigned child. CASA currently operates 950 state organizations with over 93,000 volunteers and over 242,000 children served annually. Their ultimate goal is that every child in foster care will have a Court-Appointed Special Advocate as their representative.
I trained with CASA Omaha to become a volunteer advocate. After specific training in trauma, child development, communication skills, and cultural competence, I was sworn in by a local county judge. Out of all the children ages 0-21 needing the care of a Court-Appointed Special Advocate, I was placed with an elementary school-aged girl.
My responsibilities are clear: I am to communicate with all moving parts in my child’s particular case to ensure she finds permanency - whether reunited with her family or in a committed adoptive home - within 22 months. I am responsible for writing the court report, explaining to the judge the progress made in a given amount of time, providing observations, keeping contact logs with applicable parties, and suggesting court orders for my child and her family.
The blessing in my role is that I can advocate for the healing of the parents and family, not only my assigned child. Ultimately, if a parent is making strides to better themselves, they can positively impact the upbringing and outcomes of the child as well. Court-appointed special advocacy sees the dignity of the child and their parents, and the good that comes when children are raised by their biological families.
That being said, I am also responsible for stating if I believe reunification should no longer be the objective and if adoption will be a better pathway to permanency and stability for the child. I am cognizant of the huge responsibility of the arguments I make; according to CASA Omaha, 86% of court orders suggested by the volunteer CASA are approved.
Luckily for CASA volunteers, the workload is attainable. Volunteers are expected to work with the child on average 20 hours a month, keeping up with contact logs, spending quality time with their child, and writing the quarterly court report. There is also a two-year commitment so that volunteers are the only Advocates their children will have during their time in foster care. With so many moving parts, the CASA acts as a sturdy lighthouse in the storm.
Being a CASA volunteer is a tangible way to be pro-life
Working with CASA is a pro-life answer to the messy foster care system that is aching for more: more families to answer the call to foster care, more money to be invested in the foster care system, more state investment to draw in more caseworkers to handle more children in need… more, more, more.
The pillars of Catholic Social Teaching ask us to support the marginalized and forgotten, to advocate for the sacredness of the family unit, and to work together in solidarity as one human family. Through this, we can be a small, positive change in America’s foster care system.
What we need today are volunteers who believe in the sanctity of life, even in the most disadvantaged child. Advocating for their futures and turning the large ship of the American foster care system can change the perception of the “system” for generations to come. In the meantime, we’re saving and changing lives, one child at a time.
In our culture, the pelvic floor is treated like a black box: (some) people know it exists, but they often do not know much about how it works, problems that may arise due to pelvic floor dysfunction, or how to help.
The pelvic floor is rapidly gaining notoriety in the pregnant and postpartum world, as it rightfully should. Growing a child requires some odd changes from the body, and researchers have shown that delivery can have big implications on the pelvic floor.
However, pregnancy is by no means the sole determinant of pelvic floor dysfunction. The pelvic floor is a group of muscles, sometimes likened to a hammock, that covers the floor of the pelvis. Within these muscles are openings for the rectum, urethra, and vagina. This means that the pelvic floor influences bowel, bladder, and sexual function, playing a role in going to the bathroom and during intercourse. This is true for everyone, not just women who are pregnant or postpartum.
Our bodies are good and essential to our personhood, and it is important for our bodies to function as they were designed. This includes the pelvic floor. However, issues that lead women to seek pelvic floor physical therapy are extremely personal and are less likely to be discussed casually, which may contribute to a lack of public awareness of the pelvic floor.
Here are some common, but important, activities that the pelvic floor impacts:
Feeling like you can go for a run without peeing your pants.
The pelvic floor muscles are almost always active. The pelvis (and the pelvic floor) transmits and absorbs forces coming from the legs, torso, and even the upper body. Think about running or jumping: there is significant pressure transmitted during landing, which is then attenuated through the pelvic floor. These muscles also counter downward pressure through the torso and must be strong enough and have enough endurance for lifting or carrying heavier objects. Weakness, decreased endurance, and decreased activation of the pelvic floor can contribute to increased urgency or incontinence, or pelvic organ prolapse.
Going to the bathroom.
Though the pelvic floor muscles are frequently active, they must also be able to relax. Their ability to relax allows you to go to the bathroom. If your pelvic floor isn’t working correctly, it can result in constipation and/or incomplete bladder emptying.
Intimacy.
Pelvic floor muscles can also impair normal sexual function. This can be due to pain or increased muscle tightness or tension, which can lead to a variety of issues including painful intercourse and an inability to orgasm. Like using the restroom, pelvic floor muscles must be able to relax in order to orgasm during intercourse.
Tampon use and OBGYN exams.
Pain does not only impact intimacy. Tension or increased sensitivity decrease tolerance to tampon insertion and gynecological exams. Many women dread speculum exams because they are painful. In truth, they are not supposed to be painful.
Causes of these symptoms are variable and individual.
Stress can contribute to pelvic floor issues, as the pelvic floor is one of the first parts of the body that responds to stress by tightening. Infections can also lead to similar symptoms due to muscle guarding, where the muscles contract in an effort to protect and prevent anything from entering the vagina.
However, it is also not always just about the pelvic floor. Muscle imbalances and decreased strength in other parts of the body, such as the hips, can increase demand on the pelvic floor.
If you are experiencing any of these issues, the good news is that there are solutions. Pelvic floor physical therapy is highly effective. It is not a cure-all, but pelvic floor therapists are skilled at assessing symptoms and determining when to see additional medical providers.
With increased education and awareness, the pelvic floor does not have to be a black box!
If your parents are divorced or have split up, you’re not alone. While family breakdown can impact a child’s life in several noticeable ways - such as being more likely to grow up in poverty, more likely to drop out of school, and more likely to experience emotional or behavioral problems - it’s harder to see the invisible wounds that can last into adulthood. But these wounds are no less real, and deserve attention in order to heal. Here are five invisible wounds that adult children of divorce may experience.
1. The wound of silence
Many adult children of divorce report feeling pressure (explicit or perceived) to not share their honest feelings about how their parents’ split affected them. Maybe they feel surrounded by what researcher Elizabeth Marquardt calls “divorce happy talk” that makes negative feelings seem unwelcome or even wrong. Or maybe they’re still reeling from the trauma of divorce (the word used in the Catechism), which can make people “freeze,” unable to examine the source of pain out of an understandable need for survival.
2. A sense of homelessness
Divorce means no longer having one unified family in one home. Growing up, some kids split time between mom’s house and dad’s house, traveling like “a sort of small Sherpa, schlepping life’s essentials from port to port.” Other kids lose all or most contact with the non-custodial parent (most often the father). But deeper still, children of divorce are given the monumental task of making sense of the divergent homes – the two worlds – of their parents. For many, neither house really feels like home anymore, a feeling that can be exacerbated if parents “move on” and start new families. “Where do I fit in?” many wonder. “Where is home?”
3. A loss of childhood
Elizabeth Marquardt describes children of divorce as “child-sized old souls.” Faced with a serious family crisis, with one or both parents spiraling from their own pain, children of divorce often find themselves in parental-type roles: comforting siblings, parents, or keeping family routines functioning. Later on, many express sadness of having missed out on a more carefree childhood, one without so many grown-up worries. And it’s not uncommon for adult children of divorce to struggle with perfectionism and find it hard to just relax - many are used to being the doers in their families, the ones who kept it all together.
4. Questions about identity
Divorce can raise some deep identity questions for the children involved, who are a literal embodiment of their parents’ unity - which is now fractured. Consider the main identifying items on a driver’s license: name, face, and address. For a child of divorce, each of these is called into question. You may no longer share the same last name as one of your parents, or may have new step-siblings with a different last name. Your face, a biological blend of your parents’ faces, may now feel like a threat to one of them if the split was contentious. And your address recalls that there is no longer just one, shared family home.
5. Defaulting to self-protection in relationships
Many adult children of divorce worry about their own ability to sustain a long-term relationship. One way this manifests is by defaulting to unhealthy self-protection in relationships instead of mutual self-giving. Self-protection makes sense when you’re in a family crisis and relationships have been proven untrustworthy; but fast forward into adulthood, and it’s hard to maintain loving, lasting relationships if barriers are up at every turn. Long-term relationships require vulnerability and trust, both of which are hard if you’ve been wounded by your primary caregivers. The adult children of divorce we see in our outreach want to have lasting relationships, but either aren’t sure how or fear that their relationship will implode just like their parents’ did.
Rest assured that healing from the wounds caused by your parents’ divorce is possible. And acknowledging those wounds, as hard as it can be, is a great place to start.
In conversations about feminism, I have often had male colleagues and friends ask what role men play in women’s equality. Secular feminism has sometimes communicated that the best thing a man can do is step aside, get out of the way, and open up a seat at the table for a woman instead of himself. These ideas suggest men hold a posture of apathy or mere deference in these discussions.
In the movement toward gender equality, men have a significant role to play, and one that is much more than simply “stepping aside.” One of the world’s most well-known male leaders, Saint Pope John Paul II, modeled the following ways for men to play an active role in making the world and the church better for women.
1. He acknowledged the indispensable value of women at work and in society
“Thank you, women who work! You are present and active in every area of life-social, economic, cultural, artistic and political. In this way you make an indispensable contribution.” - Saint Pope John Paul II, Letter to Women, 1995
2. He recognized that women have diverse gifts
“Women will increasingly play a part in the solution of the serious problems of the future: leisure time, the quality of life, migration, social services, euthanasia, drugs, health care, the ecology, etc. In all these areas a greater presence of women in society will prove most valuable." - Saint Pope John Paul II, Letter to Women, 1995
3. He apologized for the wrongs women have experienced
“Unfortunately, we are heirs to a history which has conditioned us to a remarkable extent. In every time and place, this conditioning has been an obstacle to the progress of women... And if objective blame, especially in particular historical contexts, has belonged to not just a few members of the Church, for this I am truly sorry.” - Saint Pope John Paul II, Letter to Women, 1995
4. He noticed when women’s voices were missing
“It is time to examine the past with courage, to assign responsibility where it is due in a review of the long history of humanity. Women have contributed to that history as much as men… in spite of the fact that they were frequently at a disadvantage from the start, excluded from equal educational opportunities, underestimated, ignored and not given credit for their intellectual contributions.” - Saint Pope John Paul II, Letter to Women, 1995
5. He called men to be accountable for their wrongdoings
“Great appreciation must be shown to those women who, with a heroic love for the child they have conceived, proceed with a pregnancy resulting from the injustice of rape. Here we are thinking of atrocities perpetrated not only in situations of war, still so common in the world, but also in societies which are blessed by prosperity and peace and yet are often corrupted by a culture of hedonistic permissiveness which aggravates tendencies to aggressive male behaviour. In these cases the choice to have an abortion always remains a grave sin. But before being something to blame on the woman, it is a crime for which guilt needs to be attributed to men and to the complicity of the general social environment.” - Saint Pope John Paul II, Letter to Women, 1995
6. He called for real and lasting change to structural issues
“A radical solidarity with women requires that the underlying causes which make a child unwanted be addressed.” - Saint Pope John Paul II, Letter to the Fourth World Conference on Women of the United Nations, 1995
7. He demanded justice for women
“There is an urgent need to achieve real equality in every area: equal pay for equal work, protection for working mothers, fairness in career advancements, equality of spouses with regard to family rights and the recognition of everything that is part of the rights and duties of citizens in a democratic State. This is a matter of justice but also of necessity.” - Saint Pope John Paul II, Letter to Women, 1995
8. He advocated for the rights of women, including legal recourse
“The growing presence of women in social, economic and political life at the local, national and international levels is thus a very positive development. Women have a full right to become actively involved in all areas of public life, and this right must be affirmed and guaranteed, also, where necessary, through appropriate legislation.” - Saint Pope John Paul II, Letter to the Fourth World Conference on Women of the United Nations, 1995
9. He celebrated women
“Thank you, every woman, for the simple fact of being a woman! Through the insight which is so much a part of your womanhood you enrich the world's understanding and help to make human relations more honest and authentic.” - Saint Pope John Paul II, Letter to Women, 1995
10. He advocated for the promotion of women
“I am convinced that the secret of making speedy progress in achieving full respect for women and their identity involves more than simply the condemnation of discrimination and injustices, necessary though this may be. Such respect must first and foremost be won through an effective and intelligent campaign for the promotion of women.” - Saint Pope John Paul II, On the Dignity of Life, 1995
While he was one of the most powerful men in the world, Saint Pope John Paul II took action to advocate for women - in the workplace, in the legislature, and in the Church. Women today continue to fight for their dignity and rights, and need men by their side in this work.
Pro-life and pro-choice circles alike are abuzz over the newest attempt to limit abortion in the United States. Texas Senate Bill 8 (“The Texas Heartbeat Bill”) prohibits abortion of a fetus with a detectable heartbeat. Pro-life advocates see the bill as a win, while pro-choice activists mourn what they see as an attack on women’s freedom.
While among the most stringent regulations of abortion put into place since Roe v. Wade, Texas SB8 provides room for medical emergencies. In these cases, abortion is permissible at the discretion of the pregnant woman’s doctor. Those familiar with the Catholic Church’s reputation as a staunch defender of the right to life might be wondering whether the Catholic Church makes the same exception.
Is abortion permissible to save the life of the mother? How can the Church claim to respect the life and dignity of all when it appears to place the burden of carrying even life-threatening pregnancies to term on the shoulders of women?
The answer is complex, nuanced, and not always clear-cut. To start, here are three relevant principles that Catholic doctors, hospitals, ethicists, and patients consider when making these tough decisions:
1. The Catholic Church recognizes the inherent dignity of all human life.
All human beings, regardless of age, status, race, sexual orientation, disability, or even criminal activity, are made in the image of God and therefore have inviolable dignity. The Church recognizes that this moral status has been granted to all humans by God, and as such is not something that we have the right to withhold from others.
2. Abortion always ends a life.
Even outspoken abortion advocates like philosopher Peter Singer recognize that human life begins at conception: “Whether a being is a member of a given species is something that can be determined scientifically, by an examination of the nature of the chromosomes in the living cells of the organisms [...] There is no doubt that from the first moments of its existence an embryo conceived from human sperm and egg is a human being” (Practical Ethics). The Church takes a step further by arguing that these lives, no matter how young, are worthy of protection.
3. For any medical decision during pregnancy, the Church will always recognize the good of two unique persons, equal in dignity.
Although a fetus is entirely dependent upon its mother for many months following conception, that dependence does not negate that he is a person in his own right. It follows that pregnancy entails the good of two patients - the woman and the fetus - whose medical care is intrinsically linked.
When Survival Means Ending the Pregnancy
While in typical, healthy pregnancies, the good of the mother and fetus are one in the same, medical conditions can arise in which the good of the mother and the good of the fetus appear to be at odds. When the goods of a mother and fetus are in conflict, the dignity of both must be respected. “Solutions” that privilege one over the other fail to navigate these difficult situations respectfully.
At times, these situations are gravely difficult and pose serious risk to both mother and fetus. In these cases, ending the pregnancy can improve the mother’s chances for survival. In some cases, this is perfectly acceptable. Early C-sections for preeclampsia, for example, end pregnancy while providing a good chance for both mother and child to emerge safely from the procedure.
The primary moral issue at stake is how the pregnancy ends. Termination of pregnancy by ending the life of the fetus always fails to respect its personhood and dignity, and is therefore always impermissible. We usually refer to this spectrum of options as “abortion for medical necessity.”
On the other end of the spectrum, termination of pregnancy is completely acceptable when a viable fetus can be removed in such a way that our medical capabilities can support a reasonable chance for his survival. We usually call this “birth.”
Gray Areas
In rare cases, medical complications of pregnancy present in such a way that the survival of both mother and child are unlikely, if impossible. The moral process of reasoning that the Church uses in cases like this is called “double-effect.” The clearest application of this principle in pregnancy is in the case of ectopic pregnancy, when an embryo implants not in the uterus but in the fallopian tube where, if it grows, it will rupture the tube and cause severe bleeding that can result in death for the mother. An ectopic pregnancy invariably results in death for the fetus, and so, being the only person who can survive the situation, the mother is the patient whose good should be sought.
Though this principle rarely applies, it can be helpful to women, their families, priests, and physicians in making decisions when treating uterine cancer during pregnancy and other similar conditions.
The Bottom Line
God has uniquely gifted women with what may be the most sacred and miraculous capacity of our human nature: the gift to bring forth life. For all the beauty of motherhood, pregnancy is not always free from complications - unfortunately, not even life-threatening ones. No matter the circumstance, though, both the woman and her child deserve our prayers, our support, and our tireless effort to care for them.
We all (well, many of us) have heard of the novelist Jane Austen, but Austen didn’t appear out of nowhere. Generations of women before her helped establish the novel as a genre. Here are a few facts about women novelists of centuries past that you probably didn’t learn in high school.
1. One of the earliest British novels was written by a woman.
Most literature scholars agree that Aphra Behn’s Oroonoko (1688) played an important role in the development of the modern English novel, specifically the realistic fiction novels that became more common in the later 18th and 19th centuries. Behn’s story about an African prince who becomes enslaved in a colony in Surinam tackles questions of virtue, liberty, and racial justice that remain relevant today.
2. Many of the most popular novels in the 18th century were written by women.
Women didn’t just write novels; they wrote novels that were read. Eliza Haywood’s Love in Excess (1719) came out the same year as Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe and only a few years prior to Jonathon Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels (1726). While Haywood’s novel didn’t sell quite as many copies as the other two, it went through several editions in the years immediately following publication and enjoyed a similar level of popularity and notoriety. Haywood (along with Behn and another novelist, Delarivier Manley) were known as “the fair triumvirate of wit” - a name that highlights them as the most influential female writers of their time.
3. Although some women published anonymously, the reason wasn’t always to shield their identities.
While some social critics argued that public writing was immoral for women and some women did hide from the spotlight, women were very much part of the literary marketplace. Both men and women often sold their work under a pseudonym or anonymously, but doing so was as likely to be a marketing decision as it was a serious attempt to hide the author’s identity. For example, by writing “anonymously,” both male and female writers could present their work as the “true histories” of their characters. Prominent male authors like Swift and Samuel Richardson used this technique to make it appear as if their novels were memoirs written by the characters themselves.
4. Many, many women wrote in the 18th century.
Although several scholars of 18th century literature didn’t begin to study women writers seriously until the 1970s, the lack of critical attention paid to women wasn’t because they didn’t exist. Throughout the 18th century, women wrote more than 600 novels. While more novels were still written by men, a sizable number was written by women.
5. 18th century heroines often expressed a desire for autonomy from marriage.
One of the most popular genres in the later part of the 18th century was the courtship novel, which depicted heroines’ navigation of the courtship period prior to marriage. While the courtship novel inevitably ends in marriage, many of these novels written by women depict heroines who express intelligence, determination, and spirit. It’s tempting to think of “old literature” reinforcing traditional social conventions, but many 18th century novels articulate an ambivalence toward marriage that opens up room for debate regarding the “happy” romantic endings. For example, Eliza Haywood’s heroine Betsy Thoughtless (1751) argues that marriage is “a state to which at present I have rather an aversion than inclination...[S]ure one may allow a man to have merit, and be pleased with his conversation, without desiring to be tacked to him for ever.” As in most Austen novels, the heroines in earlier courtship novels happily marry, but the fears they express about marriage early in courtship suggest social criticism on the part of the novelists.
The next time you see a Jane Austen novel on the shelf, remember the countless women writers who came before her and helped develop the novel as we know it today.