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Dear Edith,

Happy feast day!

Do you remember the first time we met? I took your name, Teresa Benedicta, for my Confirmation name because I knew that anyone who became a saint through the trials of the Holocaust was someone I desired to emulate. At the time, I had little idea how close we would become during the years that followed.

I first delved into your writings as a college student while serving on the core team for my campus’ Women’s Ministry. Your writings on the nature of woman and her unique vocation astounded and deeply resonated with me. You captured both the beauty of what it means to be a woman and the challenges that arise from our particular nature and sensitivities.

Until I read your work, I often felt pulled between two extremes about my own feminine nature. One extreme told me that I had to be “the crown of creation,” a beautiful, meek, flawless daughter of the King. The other said that I was a raw mess of emotions who was too sensitive and weak, and that I needed to disguise my emotions by acting unaffected and emotionless so that others would take me seriously. My dear Edith, you showed me that neither of these extremes represents my God-given personality and particular vocation. You explained for me how grace builds on our natures as men or women. By describing the nature of woman, you assured me that I could fill in the particulars with my unique gifts and calling.

“But, also, individual gifts and tendencies can lead to the most diversified activities. Indeed, no woman is only woman; each has her own individual speciality and talent, and this talent gives her the capability of doing professional work, be it artistic, scientific, technical, etc.” (Edith Stein, “The Ethos of Women’s Professions”)

What an invaluable gift you gave me! I found such freedom in discovering my own feminine vocation, and my desire to walk alongside other women as they do the same continues to increase. You have been my closest spiritual companion in growing into my identity as a person, woman, wife, mother, writer, professional, lifelong learner, and (most importantly) lover of the Cross.

“The arms of the Crucified are spread out to draw you to his heart. He wants your life in order to give you his. Ave Crux, Spes Unica!” (Saint Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, "The Hidden Life")

Edith, I pray that we on Earth will seek the Truth with the tireless dedication that you modeled in your own life; that we will have the courage and resolve to speak the Truth unfalteringly, even when the voices of the world try to drown us out; and, finally, that one day we may join you in Heaven, beholding Truth in its fullest realization.

Yours truly,

A Catholic Feminist

At FemCatholic, we love supporting Catholic women who do amazing things in our world. (In case you didn’t know that already. ;) )We believe in harnessing the purchasing power that we have as consumers and putting it to good use. This Christmas season (or anytime you purchase a present), we encourage you to support Catholic women in your quest to find the perfect gifts for your loved ones.Here are a few of our favorites:

Rose Harrington

Perfect for: gifts to add beauty and a Marian touch to your homeKatrina Harrington opened her online shop, Rose Harrington (originally known as Hatch Prints), in 2014. Specializing in botanical rosary art inspired by the tradition of Mary Gardens, all pieces are hand lettered or painted by Katrina herself, often with her children in tow. How Catholic feminist is that?FemCatholic’s pick: Glorious Mysteries Botanical Rosary print ($27)

Be A Heart

Perfect for: the aspiring artist or creative and lovers of beautyErica Tighe, owner and designer of Be A Heart, founded her company to bring beauty into the world because she believes that beauty will save the world. A woman of many talents, Erica offers hand lettering, illustration, commercial design, and even services for weddings or other events.FemCatholic’s pick: Written By Hand, a how-to guide for writing more beautifully ($16.99)

Brick House in the City

Perfect for: fun, fashionable, and feminist Catholic apparel for womenLauren began Brick House in the City as a way to, in her words, “love and serve fellow Catholic women.” She wants her “fellow Catholic women to know that they don’t have to fit a mold to fit in the church.” Now that’s a mission we can get behind.FemCatholic’s pick: Strong Women Make Waves Tee ($22.99)

Paper Monastery

Perfect for: original prints and holy cardsAnnie Veath founded her Etsy shop, Paper Monastery, to create beautiful art for the domestic church. She shares her artistic talent and expertise with her customers, all while living her vocation as wife and mother.FemCatholic’s pick: St. Josephine Bakhita art print ($10)

Meyer Market Designs

Perfect for: stocking stuffers, presents for kids, and both Catholic & non-Catholic giftsWife, mother, and designer Bernadette Meyer is the creative powerhouse behind Meyer Market Designs. Her company offers thank you cards, digital designs, and custom projects ranging from logos and letterhead to materials for special events.FemCatholic’s pick: Saint Stickers ($7.50 for a set of 40)

Door Number 9

Perfect for: geeky gifts, both Catholic & non-CatholicElisa Low, owner of Door Number 9, is a professional costume designer and seamstress who opened her own shop in 2017. She offers everything from liturgical table runners to costumes. FemCatholic’s pick: Hail Mary Punch the Devil magnet ($5.95)

Pink Salt Riot

Perfect for: jewelry and other accessoriesJill Simons, artist and designer of Pink Salt Riot, founded her company to create products that remind us to practice joy so that we can share the joy of Christ with othersFemCatholic’s pick: Build A Civilization of Love tassel keychain ($14)

The list doesn’t end there! You can explore more Catholic artisans here.Making ourselves informed consumers and supporting women entrepreneurs is a great (and simple) way to live out feminism and a commitment to building up other women. With that in mind, let's put our money to good use!

Among the unique aspects of our Faith is our belief that marriage is a sacrament, an indissoluble union between two souls, an avenue of grace as real and powerful as the Eucharist or Baptism. When one member of the couple joined together in this sacrament chooses to inflict violence and harm, it is a profane offense. It’s a desecration of a sacrament, a violation of vows made before God, the intentional dehumanization of another person and, uniquely, the abuser’s own soul, who is ontologically bound to the person they abuse.

As Catholics, our response to domestic violence (physical, emotional, and psychological) should entail horror and swift action. However, we are too often conflicted; our belief that sacramental marriage endures for a lifetime runs against the brick wall of human failing, and we mistakenly assume that our duty is to remain mired in abuse in the name of protecting marriage. We prioritize protecting the image of the marital institution above individual human dignity and safety of women and children.

This is wrong, full stop.

If you are in an abusive marriage, you have the right to seek safety and shelter. The fact that you, a woman created in imago Dei, have the right to safety and protected dignity is reason enough.

If you have children, their right to a home free from violence and abuse is reason enough.

You are enough.

No one deserves to live in fear of violence. At the same time, reconciling with such a situation when we never intended to divorce is difficult.

Consider how you would react if you knew that your spouse regularly pocketed the Eucharist on Sunday morning, to then desecrate the Body of Christ at home that evening. How do we respond when we learn of a priest using his position of authority to abuse people in the community?

We strive to protect the victims, seek justice, and prevent the abuser from doing harm to anyone else. As Catholics who believe that justice and mercy are equal partners, this includes preventing the abuser from further harming their own souls. The grave evil of abuse in marriage is just as much an act of sacrilege as is the perversion of other sacraments. By removing yourself from an abusive marriage (whether your situation demands that removal be temporary or permanent), you are not failing your sacramental vows. You are upholding the sanctity of the sacrament by refusing to allow it to be trampled upon.

At FemCatholic, we join the universal Church in praying for the day when women and families everywhere are free from the threat of violence in all areas of society. We want couples to thrive in strong, committed marriages. We also know that we have a long way to go before we see that day. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, or you fear that your marriage is heading down that path, we want you to have the help you need. It’s our hope and prayer that this resource guide helps you kindle hope, seek help, and find healing.

A Word of Caution:
We are not mental health professionals or trained domestic violence advocates. The resources compiled in this guide are not meant to be substitutes for professional help or legal advice. This is a sister-to-sister map to navigate the resources available to you. Please use your own judgment and seek the advice of professionals in your community.

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Recognizing Abuse

“What is Domestic Violence?” (The National Domestic Violence Hotline)

Relationship Spectrum (The National Domestic Violence Hotline)

"Forms of Emotional and Verbal Abuse You May Be Overlooking" (Psychology Today)

Domestic Violence (For Your Marriage)

Staying Safe

Safety Planning (Domestic Violence Resource Center)

"What is a Safety Plan?" (The National Domestic Violence Hotline)

Safety Planning (Partnership Against Domestic Violence)

"Find Help for Yourself and for Others" (WomensLaw.org)

Healing

"How To Recover From Emotional Trauma of Domestic Abuse" (Healthy Place)

"Recovering from Sexual Violence" (RAINN)

"Life After Abuse: Helpful Books to Check Out" (The National Domestic Violence Hotline)

When Your Friend is in Danger

"Supporting Survivors" (No More)

"A Note for Friends and Family of Domestic and Sexual Violence Survivors" (Jess Fayette)

"Help a Friend or Family Member" (The National Domestic Violence Hotline)

"Self-Care for Friends and Family" (RAINN)

"Women Healing the Wounds: National Council of Catholic Women Responds to Domestic Violence Against Women"

What the Church Says

“A spouse who occasions grave danger of soul or body to the other or to the children, or otherwise makes the common life unduly difficult, provides the other spouse with a reason to leave, either by a decree of the local ordinary [e.g., bishop] or, if there is danger in delay, even on his or her own authority.” (Code of Canon Law 1153)

“As pastors of the Catholic Church in the United States, we state as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form—physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal—is sinful; often, it is a crime as well. We have called for a moral revolution to replace a culture of violence. We acknowledge that violence has many forms, many causes, and many victims—men as well as women.

The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, ‘How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?’ The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises.” (USCCB, “When I Call For Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women”)

“In some cases, respect for one’s own dignity and the good of the children requires not giving in to excessive demands or preventing a grave injustice, violence or chronic ill-treatment. In such cases, “separation becomes inevitable. At times it even becomes morally necessary, precisely when it is a matter of removing the more vulnerable spouse or young children from serious injury due to abuse and violence, from humiliation and exploitation, and from disregard and indifference.” (Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia 241)

If you read Subverted: How I Helped the Sexual Revolution Hijack the Women’s Movement by Sue Ellen Browder, you learned just how much our contemporary, mainstream feminist movement differs from the original women’s movement. You learned that the women’s movement was intentionally hijacked to further the interests of the sexual revolution. If you have not yet read this enlightening work, I strongly and enthusiastically recommend it. (Personally, I could hardly put it down and finished it in two days.)

Summarizing Subverted is no easy task, but I will provide one excerpt that sits at the heart of Browder’s work:

“The sexual revolution, with its fervent insistence upon contraception and abortion as the paths to women’s freedom, was not part of the original women’s movement. We must retrace our steps to see where we left the path of freedom and became enslaved to illusions.

Because what’s become popularly known as ‘feminism’ has led to so much upheaval in our society, some people want to reject the women’s movement entirely. They long to return to the ‘good old days’ when women stayed home, took sole responsibility for bringing up the children, earned no money of their own, and had little say in politics, business, arts, or the rest of the world. From a distance, the 1950s may sound idyllic and simple. But women and the world have changed far too much for us to go back again, and in any case, we must not romanticize the past. As any reasoning woman who was there will tell you, the ‘good old days’ weren’t so hot.

No, we can’t go back again. But there’s no moving forward, either, until we do the hard work of addressing the difficult questions my generation asked in the 1960s and ‘70s but failed to answer. How can a woman find her true identity? What is the connection between a woman’s work and her life? What will promote her genuine freedom and happiness? What does a woman’s personhood mean? Unless we embrace the steady, diligent work required to answer such fundamental questions, we will never be able to answer the questions so many thoughtful women are now asking: How can a modern woman successfully balance children, marriage, and work? And how can she navigate a safe course across the roiling sea of cultural confusion my generation has left in its wake?” (Browder 14-15, emphasis added)

As I learned more about the perversion of the original women’s movement, I became increasingly convicted that feminism was stolen and that someone needs to restore it; someone needs to “embrace the steady, diligent work,” return to the movement’s essential questions, and find new answers outside of the lies propagated by the sexual revolution.

It is also my conviction that this “someone” is us: Catholics. We are the people who need to reclaim feminism. This is why:

1. Because the inherent dignity of each human person is central to our Faith.

Let us begin with a definition of feminism, given that there is no shortage of different versions in use today. When I refer to “feminism” (in this article and in my daily life), I mean a movement that seeks to “acknowledge and affirm the true genius of women in every aspect of the life of society, and overcome all discrimination, violence and exploitation” (Evangelium Vitae 99).

Feminism (specifically, the new feminism called for by Pope St. John Paul II) matters because women still face discrimination, violence, and exploitation due to the fact that they are women. It also matters because, whenever a group of people is mistreated and regarded as inferior for hundreds of years, it takes time and effort to overcome and rid ourselves of the mistaken mindset that persisted for so long.

True feminism fights against the mistreatment of women and fights for their inherent dignity to be respected at all times and in all places. We, as Catholics, have the richest and fullest understanding of human dignity, found in both Scripture and Tradition. As such, we should be the first to understand why we must combat anything that seeks to undermine or contradict the truth of someone’s dignity. Pope St. John Paul II tells us in Evangelium Vitae that “[e]very individual, precisely by reason of the mystery of the Word of God who was made flesh. . ., is entrusted to the maternal care of the Church. Therefore every threat to human dignity and life must necessarily be felt in the Church's very heart” (EV 3).

True feminism fights against the mistreatment of women and fights for their inherent dignity to be respected at all times and in all places.

Furthermore, it is our responsibility as Catholics to promote the respect of human dignity and combat “whatever insults human dignity, such as subhuman living conditions, arbitrary imprisonment, deportation, slavery, prostitution, the selling of women and children; as well as disgraceful working conditions, where people are treated as mere instruments of gain rather than as free and responsible persons; all these things and others like them are infamies indeed” (EV 3). By reclaiming feminism with our understanding of human dignity, we can (and should) do just that.

2. Because the Catholic Church gives us the fullness of truth, including the truth about what it means to be a woman.

Questions surrounding identity, meaning, purpose, and happiness can only receive true and full answers from God. Jesus Christ entrusted “the fullness of grace and truth” to the Catholic Church (CCC 819). Should we not, then, look to the Church, established by Christ Himself, for the answers to all of our questions? (This is not to say, however, that discerning those answers is an easy task.)

God intentionally created human beings as man and woman; this was no accident, but rather a deliberate choice made by our loving Creator. Is there anyone aside from Him, then, who can tell us what it means to be a man or a woman?

God intentionally created human beings as man and woman; . . .[i]s there anyone aside from Him, then, who can tell us what it means to be a man or a woman?

The questions at the heart of feminism can only find true and complete answers in the Catholic Church, which was established by Christ and is protected from error by His Holy Spirit.

Secular feminism often asserts (or gives the impression) that men and women are the same, that there is no substantial difference between them. We know this to be untrue. Man and woman have “an equal personal dignity,” given to them by God (CCC 2334), and are also different. This is a good thing and must be better understood and embraced if we are to reclaim feminism in a way that truly benefits women. In fact, our Church goes so far as to say that “[t]he harmony of the couple and of society depends in part on the way in which the complementarity, needs, and mutual support between the sexes are lived out” (CCC 2333, emphasis added).

When the sexual revolution hijacked the women’s movement, it warped feminism by basing it on a destructive and false premise: that women must become like men (i.e. unable to become pregnant when having sex) in order to be equal. True feminism, one that liberates women and embraces all we were created to be, will fight for a just treatment of women that works with and appreciates the fundamental differences between men and women, instead of trying to eliminate them.

When the sexual revolution hijacked the women’s movement, it warped feminism by basing it on a destructive and false premise: that women must become like men . . . in order to be equal.

3. Because we are called to build the Kingdom of God on Earth.

Pope St. John Paul II explained during a General Audience in December 2000 how we are all called to build the Kingdom of God. He referenced Matthew’s Gospel, where “Jesus asks us ‘to seek’ actively ’the kingdom of God and his righteousness’ and to make this search our primary concern.” Far from waiting passively, those who “seek God with a sincere heart . . . are thus called to build the kingdom of God by working with the Lord, who is its first and decisive builder."

In our own small (yet impactful) way, we can build the Kingdom of God on Earth by freeing others and ourselves from lies and illusions, as well as by fighting against the mistreatment of every individual person and group of people.

If we Catholics reclaim feminism and restore it to something that proclaims the truth about womanhood, the truth about what can make women joyful and fulfilled, and the truth about how women (and all people) deserve to be treated, then we can liberate feminism from the grip of the sexual revolution and put it to good work in building God’s kingdom.

I don’t think I have ever met a Catholic woman who has not faced discrimination in her doctor’s office.

That is a bold statement, but in my decades of being an active Catholic attending women’s groups, conferences, and post-Mass brunches, I am convinced that we all have an unbelievable story to tell. Spend five minutes scrolling through posts in any Catholic women’s Facebook group and you will see what I mean. The discrimination typically centers around family planning decisions, family size, and options for reproductive health (i.e. we do not take birth control, we do not want birth control, and no, seriously, nice nurse practitioner - we don’t want your darn birth control).

Since you, dear reader, are likely a Catholic woman like me, I imagine know exactly what I’m talking about. You remember the anger you felt when a nurse snorted upon reading in your chart that you have four children and you’re in the doctor's office because you’re pregnant with your fifth. Or the exasperated sigh you received from your OB/GYN when you showed her your NFP charts and sought real treatment options for your gynecological ills.

Do you remember when you were belittled? Dismissed? Stay with that feeling, because it’s exactly that feeling which countless scores of women of color get in their doctor’s offices, too. It is this feeling that results from not being listened to and from being disrespected, perhaps even judged, that gives rise to a movement I would like to introduce you to: the movement for reproductive justice.

Do you remember when you were belittled? Dismissed? . . . [I]t’s exactly that feeling which countless scores of women of color get in their doctor’s offices

Reproductive justice has multiple definitions, but is perhaps best thought of as a multidimensional feminist theory that connects reproductive healthcare to the wider women's rights movement. It avoids the grossly negligent simplification of women’s healthcare as solely the right to have or not have an abortion. Rather, it acknowledges a variety of women’s reproductive rights, such as the right to decide on a method of family planning or how to have a baby and in what setting. Reproductive justice demands that all women receive not just access to reproductive healthcare, but full and complete information regarding their reproductive healthcare options, in order to make informed decisions. Having access to all information about birth control options - including the side effects and risk factors they speed through at the end of those peppy commercials - is reproductive justice. A doctor asking for consent prior to touching a woman during a pap smear is reproductive justice. Having pregnancy-saving progesterone support terminated by a NaProTechnology doctor after a woman decides to have a home birth instead of a hospital birth is a matter of reproductive justice (yes, this has happened and continues to happen).

Reproductive justice. . .avoids the grossly negligent simplification of women’s healthcare as solely the right to have or not have an abortion

The black-woman-led organization Sister Song created the term and movement in the mid-90s as a response to the UN International Conference on Population and Development. This movement particularly emphasizes the current statistical crisis of black maternal and infant mortality rates. Currently, black women are three to four times more likely to die due to pregnancy-related causes than white women. Black babies die at twice the rate of white babies, a number the New York Times recently noted is actually higher today than it was in 1850, when slavery was still law. Reproductive justice activists would tell you that the reason for these abysmal statistics is multilayered, but primarily due to a lack of access to both information and resources, which results from a convoluted history of patriarchy and racism.

Before we go any further, I’d like to give you a disclaimer that I am all of the things in this conversation. I am a black woman, a Catholic woman, and a professional birth and postpartum doula (i.e. a “woman who helps women,” if you’re up on your ancient Greek). I also teach Natural Family Planning and have firsthand knowledge of what it is like to face an uphill battle inside of a doctor’s office when seeking real reproductive healthcare. I know doctors, midwives, and lactation consultants. I know women who pray outside of abortion clinics every weekend. I also know women who would sacrifice their Saturday mornings to escort women inside of those clinics. It’s a challenging dichotomy at times. However, the more women I work with, births I attend, and sweet newborns I help integrate into their parents’ lives, the more respect I have for the concept of reproductive justice, especially as a Catholic.

Justice is a moral virtue toward God and our fellow man. Our faith describes it as a virtue that disposes us to “respect the rights of each and to establish human relationships that promote equity” toward the common good (CCC 1807). If the foundation of society is the family, the center of which is a woman in her role as wife and mother, what could be more important than providing her full access and information regarding her options for her healthcare?

If the foundation of society is the family, the center of which is a woman in her role as wife and mother, what could be more important than providing her full access and information regarding her options for her healthcare?

Health is paramount to our being. Health is also a “long game.” The egg that made you was inside of your mother when she was inside of your grandmother. The health choices a woman makes prior to conception, while she is pregnant, and during and after a birth can have ripple effects throughout her entire life, as well as for generations to come. A cavalier prescription for hormonal birth control without adequate information could result in years of infertility and several other medical problems. An ER nurse’s caustic comment during a miscarriage could cause years of depression. The dismissal of a woman’s postpartum headaches as “complaining” could result in her death. Whether we’re talking about a teenager or a woman in menopause, how a woman is treated in a medical environment has just as much potential to create trauma as it does empowerment. Reproductive justice seeks to recognize the full dignity of women in the entirety of their reproductive healthcare.

[H]ow a woman is treated in a medical environment has just as much potential to create trauma as it does empowerment.

With that being said, certain aspects of the reproductive justice movement are problematic. As Catholics, we know that there is no true respect for humanity without complete and total respect for the unborn. We must continue to promote this truth with mercy and charity toward our neighbors, which by the way, my sister, is working. SisterSong’s membership and supporters include pro-life allies. More and more secular and intersectional feminist organizations recognize not only our voices, but also our hard work in helping babies and women. Perhaps our enemies are not quite enemies when we choose to engage them in love.

Practically speaking, there are several things we can do to support reproductive justice:

1. Support the midwifery model of care.

This one is a big. HUGE. Access to midwives makes a dramatic, statistical difference in maternal and infant mortality rates. I truly believe it’s the same reason why births attended by doulas are repeatedly shown to be faster and with less medical intervention: there’s just something right about women helping other women. We know how to speak to our bodies and souls. Despite this, in many states, midwives of all types are still subject to cumbersome legislation and regulations that limit women’s access to midwifery care.

2. Start listening to and collaborating with birth workers and women’s health activists.

Do you know how many Christian women I've come across who think doulas and midwives are nothing more than voodoo priestesses? The truth is that the care of birth workers like doulas, midwives, and lactation consultants makes a real difference. I acknowledge that this might get a little uncomfortable. I can count on one hand how many birth workers I know who are also practicing Christians. We will have conflicts with certain beliefs that are held as Gospel by the world. Regardless, the fact is that birth workers and similar activists are the boots on the ground making a difference. Let’s listen, help them where we can, and advocate for the truth on matters like abortion with love. We can’t enact change if we’re not sitting at at the table.

3. Keep talking about NFP.

Reproductive health is health. A woman who understands her body and is informed about her healthcare choices prior to pregnancy is a woman equipped to maintain her bodily autonomy throughout every stage of life. I often find that my doula clients who are trained in NFP or some form of Fertility Awareness are able to better articulate their desires and understand how to communicate with their providers throughout their pregnancies and births. These women understand that they run their own healthcare show. They are accustomed to advocating for themselves, even in hostile medical environments. I encourage any woman who will listen to first become educated herself, and then consider becoming an instructor. It doesn’t matter if the method is FEMM™, Creighton Model FertilityCare™, Marquette Model, etc. Each one teach one, girl.

4. Transition crisis pregnancy centers into fully functioning clinics.

I will be the first to admit that there are some crisis pregnancy centers that are problematic in their methodology. However, we should support the countless other centers that provide non-judgmental support, and we should do so not just with our sentiments, but with our time and money. The more centers that we can convert into fully functioning medical offices with a wide range of healthcare services, the more women and babies we can help. And while we’re at it, let's put some birth centers in our Catholic hospitals!

5. Support pro-woman legislation.

Be aware of what exactly your “pro-life” representatives vote for and against. Keep tabs on whether any laws creep up in your state that attempt to restrict access to midwives. Support legislation for paid maternity and paternity leave, birth certificates for miscarried and stillborn babies, and insurance companies that cover things like NaProTECHNOLOGY testing. In short, let’s be authentically pro-life and support all family values legislation.

6. Normalize women’s experiences.

We need to talk about periods, sex, birth, and babies. We need to teach our non-Catholic friends about NFP. We need to #normalizebreastfeeding, especially in our churches. We need to acknowledge and celebrate all of our babies, both those here on Earth and those in Heaven with our Lord. We need to be honest about the difficulties as well as the joys when it comes to our reproductive issues as we march toward gaining and protecting our rights. By talking openly and honestly, we educate those around us and move our society closer to enacting justice for all.

I discovered FemCatholic two years ago when I was in RCIA. I was quickly relieved to find a community of Catholic women who understood my feminist identity when, to the outside world, it seemed like I tossed that part of myself aside by coming into the Catholic Church. I devoured every article I read and almost always finished a post with a sigh of relief that someone understood exactly what went on in my head.

That is, with the exception of one article.

I was left uneasy and a bit confused after reading Emily Archer’s post on the female priesthood. My feelings had nothing to do with her article, but rather with my own experiences leading up to my conversion to Catholicism.

You see, just a few years ago, I discerned a call to the priesthood in the Episcopal Church. When I read Emily’s article, I imagined that discernment process. I pictured the women I knew who used to be Catholic, but were now either already priests or discerning the priesthood in the Episcopal Church. I tried to figure out the difference between their lived experience of the female priesthood and my own.

My committee and I discerned that I was not called to the priesthood. More accurately, we determined that we heard the message, “Not right now.” As the months passed, however, I felt increasingly sure that I would never become a priest. This feeling became a certainty when I was received into the Catholic Church during the Easter Vigil in 2017. Then, when my fiancé proposed to me in December 2017, I knew without a doubt that my vocation is marriage.

I still thought about the women who were disappointed and hurt by the Church because they felt a desire to become priests. I could still understand their struggle, even if I made peace with my own vocation, because the Eucharist is the best part of our faith. There were so many times when I wanted to trade places with the priest praying over the Precious Body of our Lord during Mass so that I could touch Him at such a holy moment, when Heaven and Earth meet.

There were so many times when I wanted to trade places with the priest praying over the Precious Body of our Lord during Mass so that I could touch Him at such a holy moment

♦♦♦

Thankfully, during my Engaged Encounter retreat a few months ago, God finally answered the questions I was silently pondering and asking Him.

One of the first sessions of the retreat presented a theological explanation of the sacrament of marriage. I knew it was one of the seven sacraments of the Catholic Church. I knew that a sacrament was a visible sign of an invisible grace. What I didn’t know was that a sacrament requires the proper minister, form, and matter. A priest broke that down for us in a way I had never thought about before.

Intention, form, and matter are the absolute minimum requirements for a sacrament to be valid. First, sacraments require a minister who intends to confer the sacrament. Also required are the form and matter, or the “how” and “what.” Form generally includes the words and actions used while performing the sacrament. Matter refers to the materials present or the necessary prerequisites. Sacraments usually take place with other prayers and rituals, but if those rituals do not include form, matter, and intent, they do not make a sacrament.

The priest walked us through the minister, form, and matter of various sacraments. With the Eucharist, the proper minister is a priest, the form entails the words spoken by the priest at the consecration, and the matter is the bread and wine. For a baptism, the proper minister can be anyone, the form is the words “I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit”, and the matter is water.

With this knowledge, I saw the definition of marriage in a new light. Our Catholic Faith describes marriage as “the intimate, exclusive, indissoluble communion of life and love entered by man and woman at the design of the Creator for the purpose of their own good and the procreation and education of children” (Christopher West, Catholic Exchange).

In the sacrament of holy matrimony, then, the ministers are the bride and groom. The priest or deacon serves only as an official witness for the Church. I don’t know why it took me until the retreat to figure this out! Had I been asked, I probably would have said the priest was the minister. The proper words and actions of marriage (i.e. the form) are the vows. The matter is the very bodies of the bride and groom.

The day that I learned all of this, I wrote in my journal, “I think now I know why I had such a strong call to the priesthood when I was in the Episcopal Church…I wanted to be a minister. But I think my call to minister is in marriage. In the Eucharist, the matter is bread and wine. In marriage, it’s my body. How cool is that?!”

I think now I know why I had such a strong call to the priesthood when I was in the Episcopal Church…I wanted to be a minister. But I think my call to minister is in marriage.

I finally understood what our Lord was trying to tell me this entire time.

♦♦♦

Now, I want to return to Emily’s article, which started me on this puzzling journey. When I first read it, I completely agreed with her statement that “[m]otherhood is the natural feminine complement to the priesthood.” I had never thought of that before and I am eternally grateful to Emily for enlightening me.

One recurring issue during my discernment of the priesthood was that I knew I wanted to be a mother. I know female (non-Catholic) priests who were mothers and I do not intend to say that these women are bad mothers or bad priests. In my own experience, however, I was always struck by how difficult it would be for me to leave my children on Sunday and go serve another community. I felt uneasy at the idea of spending time away from my own little community, borne of my own body (if God willed it), on Sundays or faithful holidays.

I wanted to learn more about what the Church says regarding the purpose of the priesthood. The Catechism tells us that, in the priesthood, “the task is to serve in the name and in the person of Christ the Head in the midst of the community. . . [and] exercise their service for the People of God by teaching. . ., divine worship. . ., and pastoral governance” (CCC 1591-1592).

Reading this gave me a great sense of peace. I wasn’t crazy for feeling like I would split my responsibilities if I were both a mother and a priest. A priest is meant to serve others, and not just those in their own families, but the entire people of God. This means going off in the middle of the day to confer last rites on someone who is dying, even if it means leaving a family member’s birthday party. In that situation, God’s people would be more important than my own people. If I had been a priest and a mother, I would have felt divided and I don’t think I would have been able to give my whole heart to either community.

I’m not saying that my experience is the reason why women shouldn’t priests. After all, Emily described other reasons that don’t resonate with me as much. Maybe you have your own reasons, too. For me, I can’t be a priest because it would require me to follow two vocations at once, and that would make it impossible for me to fully become the minister that God wants me to be.

Context matters. If we are to be evangelists who effectively share our counter-cultural values, we must thoroughly respond to the complex issues of our time. This demands that we consider context.

It is for this reason that I have a hard time getting behind and relating to the educated, Catholic, American women who missed the context of French President Macron's statement that a "perfectly educated woman" would never choose to have "seven, eight, or nine children." With a few rare exceptions, the women using the "postcards for Macron" hashtag all self-admittedly completed their education before having their seven or more children. However, this situation is not what Macron referred to in his comment.

Macron spoke about women in developing countries who married at a young age, before they are able to complete their education and with no means of family planning. Immediately following his ill-phrased comment, Macron clarified that he was talking about women in impoverished and isolated communities who start having children at very young ages (e.g. 12 years old); he was not referring to Western women who choose to have several children for religious or other reasons. He said, “I’m fine with a lady having seven, eight children if this is her choice, after education. . . .This is not the case today. That’s why for me, education is the main answer — first, to avoid the worst; second, to maximize opportunities in African countries and in the rest of the world; third, to properly monitor demography.”

Macron clarified that he was talking about women in impoverished and isolated communities who start having children at very young ages

There is some truth to Macron's statement, given the context in which it was made (though it was poorly worded). Some Catholic American women did, however, miss the point by using examples of highly educated women in highly developed countries with many children to prove that mothers can both be well educated and have several children. Most of the women presented as examples to disprove Macron's assertion were not married off in their teenage years with no ability to family plan. They do not live in extreme poverty in a developing country, trying to finish their education while caring for multiple children.

Countless women throughout the world (specifically those in impoverished countries) do, in fact, have to choose between an education and motherhood. Research shows that African girls or women who have their first child at a young age are less likely to finish their education and more likely to have lower paying jobs.1 Even teenage mothers in the United States are less likely to receive higher education and more likely to live in poverty.

Additionally, the majority of women in impoverished countries do not have access to any sort of family planning, whether natural or artificial. 64% of all unintended pregnancies in developing countries result from an inability to regulate fertility. The women who do rely on what they believe to be natural methods of regulating fertility do not receive thorough education about these methods. In Sub-Saharan Africa, for example, only 50% of women are aware of the rhythm method and the concept that women are fertile around the time of ovulation.

While I don't agree with Macron and those who believe the solution to this problem is throwing artificial contraception at these women, we Catholic feminists should do more to increase access to natural family planning. We need to acknowledge that, in developing countries, a young woman's inability to monitor or track her fertility renders obtaining an education extremely difficult, if not impossible (not to mention the fact that 99% of all maternal deaths in those countries occur from an inability to avoid pregnancy for legitimate health reasons).

Catholic feminists should do more to increase access to natural family planning.

So, what can we do to help?

We can begin by finding an alternative to the free contraception that Macron and others advocate for, and then help women in developing countries access this alternative.

Catholic Americans could provide NFP training materials to developing countries. NFP instructors could donate their time to women living in poverty and provide instruction for them over the phone or Skype.

Regardless of how we help, we need to do something. Thanks to natural family planning, Catholic women in well developed, wealthy countries have access to means of family planning in a pro-life context; women in developing countries do not have these same means, and that’s a problem we need to solve. Sometimes women have to avoid pregnancy for serious, life-threatening conditions and all women deserve the means to do just that, regardless of their home country or wealth.

Are women capable of pursuing higher education and being a mother of several children? Of course! Let us also remember that doing so is difficult. Even women with sufficient (and more than sufficient) financial means will face challenges while completing an education or having a career and being a mom to many.

Children are a blessing. Motherhood is beautiful. Education is a wonderful gift and opportunity. Managing all of that at the same time is not always practically compatible. Due to this, we should be concerned when women lack the knowledge and means to space their children and exercise responsible parenthood.

As we reflect on concrete ways we can help women access this vital knowledge and means of natural family planning, let’s ensure we remember the context in which we’re working.

1 Gyimah, Stephen Obeng (June 2003). "A Cohort Analysis of the Timing of First Birth and Fertility in Ghana". Population Research and Policy Review. 22 (3): 251–266.

This author would like to remain anonymous.

My earliest memories of the Catholic faith all involve Our Blessed Mother. A love of the color blue, in its various beautiful shades, coupled with an interest in Mary’s countless titles, sparked my longing to be with and like Mary, my Mother. I thank God that He gave me a deep desire for a relationship with her, because I know that my experience learning about and falling in love with Mary is a gift.

During my freshman year of college, I sought both to draw closer to Mary and to be a feminist.

In my brazen youth, I had little idea what feminism meant aside from women’s health issues and equal pay. Attending a liberal-minded state university forced me to ask what meant to be a feminist. On campus, I heard self-described feminists rage about women’s reproductive rights and the equality of men and women in all things - sometimes even going so far as to say that women must become like men or that women are superior to them. Their claims were presented through flashy rhetoric, but it was from our Catholic Faith that I learned the truth: that a feminist is someone who seeks the truth, advocates for others, and fights to uphold the dignity of women and men - no matter what.

This led to my next question: what about Mary? She is the model for all Christians, especially women, but often portrayed as meek and humble. I didn’t associate feminists with being dainty, delicate, and quiet. Could I be a feminist and still be like her? Looking at the Gospels, I began to see how Mary herself models authentic feminism.

What about Mary? . . . Could I be a feminist and still be like her?

We only scratch the surface of who Mary is when we see her silently praying in her grace-filled perfection. Yes, Mary listens, prays, receives the Holy Spirit, and praises the Lord. And she also does so much more.

Mary is a woman of action.

As Catholic feminists, we have much to learn from her. She teaches us how to live, love, and make a difference in our families, communities, and the world. She teaches us how to be feminists. Here’s how:

♦♦♦

Mary asks.

We first meet Mary in the Gospel of Luke. She is praying when, all of a sudden, the archangel Gabriel arrives with a message for her, from God. Gabriel shares the amazing plan that God has for her and who her Son will be, if only she accepts His invitation. Mary responds with a question, “How can this be, since I have no relations with a man?” (Luke 1:34).

Her question does not doubt God’s ability to do the impossible. Rather, by asking “how,” she acknowledges that this miracle defies all human understanding. Far from being driven by doubt or fear, this is a question full of wonder, courage, and faith. When confronted with this new and incredible situation, she has the courage to speak up. Mary’s trust in the Lord emboldens her to ask a question so that she might participate fully in God’s plan. Her inquiry reveals her faith in God.

Mary’s trust in the Lord emboldens her to ask a question so that she might participate fully in God’s plan.

Even the apostles do not always demonstrate the same depth of faith. Sometimes, they allow fear to creep in when Christ describes the impossible. In the Gospel of Mark, Jesus explains to His apostles that the Son of Man will be killed and then rise in three days - a humanly impossible feat. The apostles “did not understand the saying, and they were afraid to question him.” (Mark 9:32). Fear silenced them.

When God shares the unbelievable, Mary enters into the incredulous. She asks questions because she desires to know, love, and follow God.

Mary hastens.

Before Gabriel departs, Mary proclaims, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word” (Luke 1:38). “May it be done to me according to your word” is Mary’s call to action. Pregnant with the Son of God, “Mary set out and traveled to the hill country in haste” (just under 100 miles, by the way) to help her cousin, Elizabeth (Luke 1:39).

“May it be done to me according to your word” is Mary’s call to action.

Mary embarks on a treacherous journey while young and pregnant to serve someone else. Wasting no time, love compels her to act.

When asked about the greatest commandment, Jesus states, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30). While Mary’s Magnificat reveals how her heart, soul, and mind are moved by her love for God, her strength might not always be so magnified for us.

Yet, Mary rushing to Elizabeth’s side highlights both her physical and maternal strength. Each woman possesses the ability to be a fierce mother, to make room for another and care for them. We do this in the workforce, our communities, our wombs, the public sphere, and in our own homes. We can serve others and we can do it now, no matter our state of life. God will always provide an opportunity. When Mary recognizes her opportunity, she hastens to take it.

Mary influences.

At the wedding in Cana, Mary tells the servants to do whatever her Son tells them after they run out of wine (John 2:1-5). She does not demand that Jesus perform a miracle. She knows what He can do and what the people before her need, so she commands the servants to go to Jesus and do His will, using her influence to bring others to Christ. She also implores her Son to provide for the wedding guests.

Within our own sphere of influence, we can choose to bring life or destruction into the world, to love or use others. We see this choice play out with other women in the Gospels.

Contrast Mary’s influence with that of Herod’s wife and daughter. Herodias’ daughter danced and delighted Herod, who then told her, “Ask of me whatever you wish and I will grant it to you” (Mark 6:22). After consulting her mother (who had her own malicious motives), Herodias’ daughter asks Herod for the head of John the Baptist on a platter (Mark 6:25). The opposite of Mary, who uses her influence to bring life to others, Herodias' daughter uses her influence to have another person killed.

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Mary suffers.

“Standing by the cross of Jesus were his mother. . .” (John 19:25).

Bleeding, scourged, gasping for breath - Jesus, in agony, hangs on the cross and Mary stands right beside Him. She remains, sharing His pain, suffering with Him. Mary witnesses her only Son be mocked, sentenced to death, beaten, and hung on a tree to die. Crowned with thorns, Mary sees her Son in His gruesome glory. But she does not turn away.

Christ's death not the first time Mary suffers in the Gospels. When the child Jesus was lost, Mary battled worry and fear as she searched for her dear Son. Jesus' public ministry brought Him away from home, away from her. Through it all, Mary encourages His work. She knows her Son and what He came to accomplish. Mary understands the price of redemption and she freely enters in suffering, out of love for her Son and for the world.

Mary also remains with us in our suffering. She plants her feet at the cross of the dying Christ and at the foot of our own crosses. With open arms, she receives the body of her pierced Son and our own hurting hearts.

She plants her feet at the cross of the dying Christ and at the foot of our own crosses.

Like Mary, we too encounter the effects of sin in this world. We too have been pierced by suffering. And we too are invited to stand steadfast at the foot of the cross, arms open and ready to receive a hurting brother or sister.

♦♦♦

Mary asks. Mary hastens. Mary influences. Mary suffers.

As Catholic feminists, we can dramatically change the world in a Marian way by being women who seek the truth, advocate for others, and uphold the dignity of all. When we say yes to God, we say yes to becoming feminists on fire with Christ’s love.

The world needs more women who freely and fervently respond to God’s invitation to love and be loved. In embracing our call to be feminists, we follow in Mary’s footsteps, emptying ourselves so that God may work incredible wonders in and through us.

Want to be Catholic and a feminist? Go to Mary. She’ll show you the way.

At some point in between our first spoken word and first professional email, woman's language becomes spattered with cushions of irrelevant apology. This phenomenon is distracting enough that Chrome designed a plug-in - specifically with women in mind - to help us eliminate the non sequitur verbal clutter of conditional language (and punctuation!! And emoticons :-O).

For example,  "I’m sorry, but this connection between language and its real-world implications must be addressed. If we constantly apologize and somewhat hesitate to speak our thoughts with confidence, I feel we might communicate a kind of perceived inherent fault within ourselves. Do you know what I mean?! : - )  : - )  : - )"

If this sounds like just another harping feminist denying her natural tendency to use feminine language, or an attention-seeking woman basking in complaints of no real importance, at least I’m in good company:

“Here I cannot fail to express my admiration for those women of good will who have devoted their lives to defending the dignity of womanhood by fighting for their basic social, economic and political rights, demonstrating courageous initiative at a time when this was considered extremely inappropriate, the sign of a lack of femininity, a manifestation of exhibitionism, and even a sin!” (Pope Saint John Paul II, Letter to Women; emphasis added)

Why might women experience pressure to constantly and unnecessarily apologize for fault that isn’t theirs? Let’s review some recent issues that indicate an extensive cultural problem.

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Blaming Women When Men Commit Murder

The same voices that dare to blame sexual assault victims for not being clear enough in their “no” also blamed Shana Fisher for not being nice enough in her “no.”

Women are awesome, but let’s be clear: we do not possess some innate magical power to turn a “smart, quiet, sweet boy” into a mass murderer any more than a souped-up Corvette can change a random man into a carjacker (or than spaghetti straps can turn a decent, well-mannered student into a rapist).

Why condemn a dead victim of harassment with partial blame for her own death and the deaths of nine peers because she didn’t date a guy who made her feel uncomfortable? As evidenced over and over again, our culture is conditioned to blame victims, usually women.

[O]ur culture is conditioned to blame victims, usually women.

For Catholics who are tempted to blame the victim, the Bible and Catechism remain clear on who’s morally at fault in the case of murder:

“The fifth commandment forbids direct and intentional killing as gravely sinful. The murderer and those who cooperate voluntarily in murder commit a sin that cries out to heaven for vengeance.” (CCC 2268, emphasis added)

Blaming Women When Men Commit Sexual Assault

In considering sexual assault, we need to address the unfortunately popular idea that the root problem of rape culture is drunk women.

Adopting this perspective, if a girl is exhausted because she pulled an all-nighter to study, would she carry partial blame for the rape committed against her? After all, we don't have full control of our senses when fatigued and studies have shown that sleep deprivation can cause impairments equivalent to those caused by intoxication from alcohol. Why was she around men when she was tired? What did she think would happen?

God forbid these men get married and have to be in bed next to a sleeping wife. A passed-out woman, right there - in her pajamas no less! It's like she's asking to be raped.

When I'm really tired, my husband doesn't have sex with me because he knows it wouldn't be consensual. He also recognizes that it wouldn’t be mutually enjoyable, and he prioritizes my pleasure as equal to his own.

“...although the sexual urge is there for man to use, it must never be used in the absence of, or worse still, in a way which contradicts, love for the person.” (Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility)

Blaming Women for Domestic Violence

If not women, then who is to blame when men act out “the worst version of themselves”? We have two parties at fault: 1) individual men who make individual choices and 2) a toxic culture that grants them permission to behave poorly if they aren't treated with deference by a fearful, dependent, and insecure member of the opposite sex.

Consider an alternate headline that doesn’t imply "If she had just been a good wife despite his domestic abuse, this man would not have killed his own innocent children": "Abusive Man with History of Anger and Control Issues Kills 5 Children."

‍A brave, business-savvy, unmarried woman is no more a threat to true masculinity than a fearful, uneducated, emotionally-needy woman is an affirmation of it, because the one (virtuous manhood) does not depend on the other (deferential women).

A brave, business-savvy, unmarried woman is no more a threat to true masculinity than a fearful, uneducated, emotionally-needy woman is an affirmation of it.

Going a step further: a confident, competent, married woman who chooses to view her husband as protector, provider, and lover is neither the source of his manhood, nor the responsible party for his personal choices in exercising virtue or vice.

“Typically, abusive men deny that the abuse is happening, or they minimize it. They often blame their abusive behavior on someone or something other than themselves. They tell their partner, "You made me do this." Many abusive men hold a view of women as inferior. Their conversation and language reveal their attitude towards a woman's place in society. Many believe that men are meant to dominate and control women.” (United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence)

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Blaming Women for Unaddressed Social Issues that Affect Men

Matt Walsh’s victim-blaming for sexual assault is part of his stance against the feminist movement as a whole. He blames feminism for failing to resolve men’s ignored mental health problems, for education inadequacies for boys, for longer prison sentences for men, and for men's higher tendency toward addiction.

What Walsh fails to recognize (aside from the fact that many feminists are also concerned with these legitimate issues) is that the solution is not to place more blame on women for hosting their own cultural revolution. The solution is a masculinity movement that redefines what it means to be a man.

Does manhood equal sexual conquest? Staying strong and silent rather than seeking help? Harsh punishment in place of reform? Expectations that others defer to a man’s advancement or financial primacy in the name of promoting marriage? America needs a masculine revolution just as much as it needs feminism. This movement cannot and need not occur at the expense of others (as toxic masculinity might insist), but must rather be pursued for the benefit of all (as true masculinity would pursue).

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America needs a masculine revolution just as much as it needs feminism.

“Each culture and social group needs purification and growth... In the case of the popular cultures of Catholic peoples, we can see deficiencies which need to be healed by the Gospel: machismo, alcoholism, domestic violence. . .” (Pope Francis, The Joy of the Gospel)

Blaming Women for Poor Character Development in Men

A few weeks ago, Dale Partridge made his way into my newsfeed with 20,000 likes and 13,000 shares, blaming feminism for men’s inability to be the best “versions of themselves.”

A woman’s decision to open her own door takes nothing away from a man’s ability to be a good person. (Not to mention that plenty of men have been wonderful door openers and terrible “protectors.”)

Dale Partridge sets up a false dichotomy. He implies men’s capacity to treat women decently (“Cherish women. Value women. Listen to women.”) is stunted by women’s failure to treat men, in general, as protectors, providers, and lovers.

A man’s moral fortitude should not depend on women’s fear (to require a protector), inability to achieve financial independence (to require a provider), or insecurity (to require a lover); and a culture that reinforces these values does not have the moral high ground.

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A man’s moral fortitude should not depend on women’s fear (to require a protector), inability to achieve financial independence (to require a provider), or insecurity (to require a lover)

Regarding his next point, a mother doing anything outside of her immediate family’s home, whether paid work, volunteer work, or spiritual, physical, or educational development (and yes, each of these can be legitimate aspects of a woman’s familial vocation), does not make a father in the same house somehow lazy or “less than” as a man.

“And what shall we say of the obstacles which in so many parts of the world still keep women from being fully integrated into social, political and economic life? We need only think of how the gift of motherhood is often penalized rather than rewarded, even though humanity owes its very survival to this gift. Certainly, much remains to be done to prevent discrimination against those who have chosen to be wives and mothers. As far as personal rights are concerned, there is an urgent need to achieve real equality in every area: equal pay for equal work, protection for working mothers, fairness in career advancements, equality of spouses with regard to family rights and the recognition of everything that is part of the rights and duties of citizens in a democratic State.” (Saint John Paul II, Letter to Women)

Blaming Women for Men's Inability to be Godly

Revisiting Partridge's comment, he not only blames feminism for men’s worst qualities, but he also blames women for men who “side-step God’s call for how to treat a woman.”

I can’t find anything from Scripture or Tradition implying that a woman is outside God’s parameters for her gender when she is well-educated, financially stable, opens her own doors, pulls out her own chairs, is capable of self-defense, and can recover and support her children despite absentee fathers. How, then, could these actions by a woman cause a man to be outside of God’s will for him?

“Women should be present in the world of work and in the organization of society... women should have access to positions of responsibility which allow them to inspire the policies of nations and to promote innovative solutions to economic and social problems.” (Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, On the Collaboration of Men and Women in the Church and in the World)

Blaming Women for Men’s Delayed Adolescence, Aversion to Marriage, and Avoidance of Children

Let us consider this excerpt from a LifeSiteNews article entitled, “Young Men Giving Up On Marriage: Women Aren’t Women Anymore”:

Now women are also responsible for men’s inability to succeed at marriage, fatherhood, and life in general.

First, delayed adolescence might not be a negative thing insofar as it has allowed young adults to pursue higher levels of education than were available to previous generations, while also building stronger relationships between generations.

Second, instead of blaming women for seeking higher education, quality employment, and the freedom for marriage to be a choice instead of an economic necessity, we should examine the larger cultural influences that might cause men to delay adolescence, marriage, and children.

Fewer men attend college because they recognize the “economic despair” of their peers upon graduation, where entry-level work doesn’t pay a livable wage.

“No consideration of the problems associated with development could fail to highlight the direct link between poverty and unemployment. In many cases, poverty results from a violation of the dignity of human work, either because work opportunities are limited (through unemployment or underemployment), or ‘because a low value is put on work and the rights that flow from it, especially the right to a just wage and to the personal security of the worker and his or her family.’” (Pope Benedict XVI, Caritas in Veritate)

Fewer men find success in the workplace not because of women, but due to our unwillingness, as a society, to address the harm caused by increased automation, outsourcing, social stigma on blue-collar trades, prison records, opioid addiction, high student debt, and unlivable wages (especially for care-taking jobs that are typically associated with “women’s work”).

“The current crisis is not only economic and financial but is rooted in an ethical and anthropological crisis. Concern with the idols of power, profit, and money, rather than with the value of the human person has become a basic norm for functioning and a crucial criterion for organization. We have forgotten and are still forgetting that over and above... the parameters of the market is the human being; and that something is men and women in as much as they are human beings by virtue of their profound dignity: to offer them the possibility of living a dignified life and of actively participating in the common good.” (Pope Francis addressing employment in the 21st century)

Fewer men consider marriage in their 20’s not because of casual sex, but due to increasingly stark gender ratios among the white collar middle class, where marriage has most commonly occurred. (This book suggests that commitment phobia is simply a statistics game, advising women who desire marriage to do the math, adjust their expectations, and relocate).

Fewer couples plan to have children because an increasing gig economy (expected to constitute 50% of the workplace within 10 years) has stagnant wages, less career stability, and fewer family benefits, which make it difficult for a person to just take care of him/herself, much less provide responsibly for offspring. While it’s easy to assume that selfishness and/or excess consumerism are to blame for those who choose to avoid or delay children, the difficulty of obtaining affordable housing and comprehensive healthcare (as costs inflate faster than wages) align America more closely with explanations that Saint John Paul II attributed to developing countries:

“Worthy of our attention also is the fact that, in the countries of the so-called Third World, families often lack both the means necessary for survival, such as food, work, housing and medicine, and the most elementary freedoms. In the richer countries, on the contrary, excessive prosperity and the consumer mentality, paradoxically joined to a certain anguish and uncertainty about the future, deprive married couples of the generosity and courage needed for raising up new human life: thus life is often perceived not as a blessing, but as a danger from which to defend oneself.” (Pope St. John Paul II, The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World)

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♦♦♦

Instead of Blaming Women, Thank a Feminist

Historically speaking, women have long been blamed for the ills of society. Also, historically speaking, the policies for which feminists advocate become less controversial, and even laughable, over time: Joan of Arc is burned at the stake for wearing pants (1431), women are granted the right to own, but not control, property (1839), unmarried women are allowed to own land (1850), women can vote (1920), women don’t lose their citizenship for marrying an Asian man (1931), Newsweek is forced by court decision to permit women reporters (1970), women can apply for lines of credit (1974), Supreme Court rules that women can serve alcohol at a bar not owned by their husband or father in cities of more than 50,000 (1976), women can’t be fired for being pregnant (1978), women can legally refuse sex with their spouse in all 50 states (1993).

Historically speaking, women have long been blamed for the ills of society.

Instead of continuing the blame game on women for the economic and familial despairs of our time, we should join the work of contemporary feminists whose advocacy is addressing the real issues at stake, empowering both men and women to be the best versions of themselves and bring this empowerment into their marriages, families, and service to the world.

“Thus the family, in which the various generations come together and help one another grow wiser and harmonize personal rights with the other requirements of social life, is the foundation of society. All those, therefore, who exercise influence over communities and social groups should work efficiently for the welfare of marriage and the family.” (Pope Paul VI, The Church in the Modern World)

Among Christian circles (Catholic and non-Catholic), self-care can get a bad rap. Some call it selfish. “Why would you take time for yourself when you could serve others?” they ask. Others liken it to a band-aid that makes no real, long-lasting, positive difference in your life. They argue that the effect of massages and manicures only lasts so long, and then you’re right back where you started.

But, they’re wrong.

Self-care is far from selfish or ineffective. In fact, it’s the opposite.

Unfortunately, too many people misunderstand self-care. It’s not getting a massage or going for a walk, and then feeling the weight of the world permanently leave your shoulders.

It is so much more.

Self-care means recognizing and acting on the truth that, in order to be at your best, you must take good care of yourself. If I slept poorly last night and skipped lunch today, I am not at my best when working with clients. Sometimes, taking care of yourself is challenging. Self-care is not the “treat yourself” mentality it’s often described to be. Self-care is a discipline.

Going to bed on time requires discipline.
Saying no to a pushy coworker requires discipline.
Cultivating healthy relationships requires discipline.

None of these forms of self-care are indulgent - they are challenging. Although it may be difficult, you are worth the time and effort required to practice the discipline of self-care.

[Y]ou are worth the time and effort required to practice the discipline of self-care.

Self-care also varies for each individual. In One Beautiful Dream, Jennifer Fulwiler discusses her “blue flame” (i.e. what she’s passionate about) and how it brings her a sense of fulfillment and restoration, whereas she finds other activities draining and overwhelming. Similarly, what restores and sustains you during stressful times might differ from what helps your friends and family recharge. For example, some people swear by waking up early to exercise, journal, and prepare for the day. I am not like that. While the idea sounds appealing (I could accomplish so much!), I find it to be more stressful than restorative. And that’s okay. Personally, I enjoy running, experimenting with watercolors, and reading. To some people I know, however, that would be the most boring form of self-care ever. Again, that’s okay.

Some can be quick to judge certain practices as frivolous or ineffective forms of self-care, but what really matters is knowing yourself and what restores you. We need to take care of ourselves physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and in our relationships. We cannot accomplish being okay by sheer willpower, we have to work towards it through proper self-care. From a Catholic Christian perspective, we are both body and soul, and we must care for both. Neglecting our true needs is a recipe for feeling burned out, overwhelmed, and stressed. When that happens, we aren’t at our best.

[W]e are both body and soul, and we must care for both.

We all need self-care, even if the practice looks different from person to person. We aren’t in a competition to see who needs the least amount of self-care or who has the “best” form of self-care. You know what you need best. Be a friend to yourself - the type of friend who knows just what you need - and make it happen.

And if anyone calls you weak or selfish for taking care of yourself, maybe they need some self-care, too.

Julia Marie Hogan is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in Chicago. In addition to her work as a psychotherapist, she leads workshops and writes on topics related to self-care, relationships, and mental health. Her book, It's Ok to Start with You is all about the power of embracing your worth and is available in the OSV Catholic Bookstore and on Amazon. She is passionate about empowering individuals to be their most authentic selves. You can learn more about Julia and her work here.

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Free List: 10 Secular Resources on Women’s Health and NFP

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As with many things related to pregnancy and childbirth, dads may often feel helpless when it comes to postpartum depression (PPD).

Dads, worry no more. The women of the FemCatholic Forum want to empower and equip you with practical tools to transform your concern into actionable support.

So, how can you help a partner struggling with PPD?

1. Acknowledge it.

Please don't assume the mother of your child(ren) has it all together simply because everything seems fine and PPD hasn't come up in conversation. Be aware. Ask her about it. If she brings up concerns about PPD, believe her. This is a common experience and topic of conversation among Catholic moms.

Understand that prenatal and postpartum depression are biological responses caused by dramatic hormonal changes in a woman’s body. Resist the temptation to try to solve the issue, “fix” her, or convince her that everything is okay if she tells you it isn’t.

It is vital to recognize that PPD is not a spiritual state that simply necessitates more prayer or better spiritual direction. The Holy See’s representative to the United Nations, Archbishop Jurkovich, addressed this concern at a meeting of the Human Rights Council in 2017: “Spiritual care should not be confused with, or mistaken by, so-called ‘faith healing’ to the exclusion of medical, psychological, and social assistance.” The Catholic Church supports a comprehensive approach - spiritual, medical, psychological, and social - when it comes to addressing mental health.

PPD is not a spiritual state that simply necessitates more prayer or better spiritual direction.

2. Empower her to access medical care.

If she’s hesitant to seek medical assistance, assure her that you will support her whenever she’s ready.  Offer to schedule an appointment with her OB/GYN. Watch the children and take care of transportation concerns so she can easily see a doctor.

Avoid mentioning the cost of treatment or how it could hurt the family budget. You may intend to say, "This is more expensive than it should be, but your health is worth it." However, she might hear, "Your health is not worth this investment."

Healthcare access and affordability in our country are overwhelming for too many families. Please don’t let this be a reason why your wife doesn’t receive necessary care. Your assistance in researching healthcare options will communicate tremendous support to her. Many counselors offer an income-based payment plan or sliding fee scale. Some options that make PPD medication significantly more affordable are free discount prescription programs, coupons, and generic drug options.

Make a point of knowing her treatment plan. Then, help make it happen: refill her prescriptions, stock the kitchen with special nutritional needs, schedule follow-up appointments, etc. Moms often manage a baby’s medical and nutritional needs at the expense of their own. Your help is crucial in making sure she stays healthy, too.

Make a point of knowing her treatment plan. Then, help make it happen.

3. Support her decision to breastfeed or not.

Sometimes breastfeeding helps alleviate PPD. Other times, breastfeeding exacerbates it. Medication needed to help a woman cope with PPD may be incompatible with breastfeeding. Support her and her decision, recognizing that both breastfed and formula-fed babies turn out just fine - as did Pope Francis who was fed donkey’s milk as a baby. A mom whose mental and physical needs go unmet may not turn out just fine.

Recognize that, no matter how your child is fed, you can participate in the process:

• If your child is bottle fed, know how to prep a bottle and feed it to your baby (including for overnight feedings).
• If your child is breastfed, create a calm, comfortable space for that to happen, and bring your wife a glass of water to help her milk production. If you’re in public, support her right to breastfeed anywhere (including the Sistine Chapel).
• If your wife uses a breast pump, wash and sanitize the pump parts. Remember that this act of service constitutes a concrete demonstration of support for both your child and your wife.

4. Understand what sex means to your wife right now (and don’t take it personally).

If your wife is hesitant to engage in intimacy, it's not because she doesn’t like you as a person or love you as a spouse. Withdrawal from friends and reduced pleasure in activities are symptoms of PPD.

Withdrawal from friends and reduced pleasure in activities are symptoms of PPD.

Furthermore, her body just gave birth, which takes an incredible physical toll on the body and leaves an internal, open wound the size of a dinner plate; all of this is in addition to having fluctuating hormones, getting terrible sleep, and facing a daily to-do list that just tripled (at least).

So, when you start massaging her shoulders or nibbling her ear, she doesn’t hear, “I love you. We made a beautiful baby. Let’s celebrate our awesome love.” She hears, "Would you like to give up two more years of sleep and add two more loads of laundry to our week?"

Dads: it’s not you, it’s the situation (I promise). There is good news, though: you can help the situation.

5. Create a support system.

Research from the Mayo Clinic indicates that a poor support system contributes to postpartum depression. America Magazine also offered their thoughts on how the Church can do more to recognize and support mothers’ postpartum needs.

You are your wife’s primary support system. Yes, you can pull support from nearby family or friends. If you have the financial means, yes, you can hire doulas, housekeepers, night nurses, and meal delivery services. But, ultimately, it’s you who are her support. Be her best advocate in postpartum care.

ultimately, it’s you [dads] who are her support

Practically speaking, this means making sure that your wife has time to eat, shower, and rest. Fortunately, most dads are rightfully annoyed by any cultural tripe that undermines their care-taking competence as fathers. It’s less and less common to find a man unwilling to change, calm, or bathe his child or participate in all the little household tasks that keep a family going: meal preparation, morning and bedtime routines with other kids, laundry, dishes, etc. I encourage you to continue being present and involved.

In closing...

Congratulations! Your family created a beautiful, new, vulnerable life. Remember that this is a vulnerable time for your wife, as well, and that ignoring the signs of postpartum depression can delay life change and help. One of the most important ways you can live out your vocation as a husband and father is to believe, empower, understand, and support your wife through postpartum care.

We first met at a club. Loud Spanish music, passionate albiet drunkenly sloppy kisses in the center of the crowd. Him chasing me out into the warm Sevillian night to get my number. Manuel. I went home thinking my semester abroad in Spain couldn’t get any better.

Now it was 3AM on a Friday, three weeks later. We were on a river pier, and I was into it. This was the second time I’d had sex. A few years prior I’d lost my virginity to my high school sweetheart.

I remember riding home from the river on my bike. The whole thing was exciting in the moment, but after I felt just okay. I guess I expected to feel a little more, of anything. I got lost on my way home, which is a fitting metaphor for the odyssey about to unfold.

I don’t ever remember being taught that sex was bad. But I do remember knowing a lot of rules: no masturbation, no porn, no hook-ups. I don’t know how exactly I learned these. I had sex ed in my 6th grade public school, but that was mostly about puberty. I’d read that American Girl doll book, and I’d had a few conversations with my Catholic parents, who urged my sister and I to save sex for marriage. If they shared reasons why, I don’t recall them.

In school, I learned that sex could be bad for a women’s reputation. My friend Sheila lost her virginity in 8th grade and it was the talk of the town. I cared deeply about what others thought about me, so I knew I wanted to avoid that.

I dated my high school boyfriend for two years before having sex with him. I made him wait. I got nagged for it. Not really by him, but by my friends and his friends. I didn’t have very convincing reasons to abstain besides my fear of a negative reputation - I knew my boyfriend wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut- and perhaps my subconscious Catholic rulebook.

I ultimately came to a place where I felt indifferent about having sex with him. I didn’t especially want to, but he did, and that was enough. Maybe I was tired of the nagging. We had done everything else, so when it finally happened, it wasn’t dramatic or painful or even very memorable. We broke up a month later. A week after that, I heard he was sleeping with a different girl. I cried.

After my stint with Manuel during my junior year of college, I started having more sex. I’d spend time with someone for a few days, weeks, or months, and sleep with them. I never fell in love. I didn’t even have a long term “boyfriend.” I hadn’t met anyone I wanted to commit myself to. But it felt good to be held, to be touched, to be wanted.

At the same time, I was exploring my religious identity, growing in faith and my relationship with Jesus. I found the Catholic Church to be right about almost everything. But I really could not understand the Church’s stance on pre-martial sex. I was being true to my own healthy and natural desires, which felt wrong to ignore. I looked with pity upon my Catholic friends who had not been “freed” like I had. I felt affirmed by my like-minded Catholic peers who had been hurt by the fear-based rhetoric of Catholic sex ed and the resulting “Catholic guilt." Some felt like Catholic sexual teachings had led to a disconnection between their spiritual and sexual selves. Most found empowerment and healing in negating the teachings, and others, in leaving the Church altogether.

I was being true to my own healthy and natural desires, which felt wrong to ignore. I looked with pity upon my Catholic friends who had not been “freed” like I had.

I planned on sticking around. But it wasn’t enough for me that since the Church said so, I should obey; I needed to understand. I read the Catechism. It made sense in my head, but failed to move my heart. I listened to purity talks online, which did nothing for me, and often made things worse. Am I the wrinkled up flower or the stained napkin? Isn’t our dignity and worth a consequence of our personhood, not of our actions?

Disillusioned with the answers I found, I continued trying to devote my life to loving and serving God and my neighbor, while having sex outside of marriage. I saw no conflict there. One had nothing to do with the other. Abstinence only began to make sense once I realized, by the grace of God, that the two actually have everything to do with each other.

One night, a friend mentioned how impressed she was that I could shrug guys off after spending a few nights with them. I didn't know how to respond. This didn't feel like something I should be proud of. I was sleeping with guys and I could shrug them off because I had no feelings for them. I did not love them. Fine. But it was more than that. I realized that I was not caring for them, for their whole personhood, body and soul. I was not treating them like a brother in Christ. Rather, I was intentionally using them, their affection and their bodies, as a means to my end, which I wouldn’t do in any other circumstance (for instance, making a friend to increase my popularity or to spend a day on their yacht). What I was doing suddenly felt wrong. And selfish.

Around the same time, I realized that I wasn’t being fulfilled in the way I expected, after embracing the sexual freedom I had granted myself. The sex was exciting and often enjoyable, but my heart was hardened to any sort of lasting feelings. I was missing something. While I wasn't convinced that sex outside of marriage is always bad, I came to believe that it is not good enough. It is not fulfilling in the same way sex is within marriage, because the levels of connection and commitment are dramatically different. Of course I felt numb. I was so casually taking for granted something that God designed to be powerful and sacred. It’s like I was eating the Eucharist but thinking it was any old cracker.

I realized that I wasn’t being fulfilled in the way I expected, after embracing the sexual freedom I had granted myself.

There are other points that I now find convincing, too. God works on our hearts in such amazing ways. Exploring JPII's Theology of the Body and coming to understand marriage as sacrament has been extremely helpful. Being diagnosed with chlamydia and gonorrhea was an added deterrent. So were a few pregnancy scares; thinking about the life I want for my children, and knowing that’s one with a dad whose lovingly committed to mom.

I do feel a bit lied to. Chewed up and spat out by the brand of feminism that told me I needed sexual liberty to be a strong, independent woman. I don’t feel any stronger. I feel worn, confused, and kind of angry.

A month ago, I started seeing a guy who I ended up sleeping with. Chastity is hard. I feel like people don’t say that enough. But I finally believe that it’s worth it.

Pray for me.