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We have arrived at the third and final installment in our series on healing for children of divorce. In the first part, Julia Hogan, LCPC gives her professional, practical wisdom for children of divorce. In the second part, Catholic women share their experiences as children of divorce. I hope that listening to their stories helps you better understand how having divorced parents can impact us and our faith.

This final part comes from the same Catholic women who tell us their stories in part two. This time, we have a message specifically for our fellow Catholics and for other Catholic women who are children of divorce.

If you want to know how we, as Catholics, can support children of divorce, this is for you.

If you are a child of divorce and just need to know that you are not alone, this is for you.

If you are a child of divorce who is looking for healing, this is for you.

Where have you found healing?

Emma: I have found healing in developing a stronger, closer relationship to the parent who has stood by me from the beginning. This parent also taught me the value of giving everything to God. When it doubt, give it to Him and He will take care of it. I have also learned that expressing my thoughts when I am hurting is one of the best ways to avoid bottling up negativity whenever I feel like I might be getting back to that place of emotional or mental/psychological abuse. But, I think healing is a continual process. I think different parts of me will continue to heal in different ways as I get older and come to terms with everything I have experienced.

Holli: I participated in a Blessed is She group last year in which we studied the Holy Trinity, and this led to my breakthrough moment of healing and forgiveness. In our discussion of God the Father, we were asked to consider the ways in which our relationship with God our Father is similar to or different from our relationship with our earthly father. I was familiar with the teaching of the Trinity, but I had never before actually been able to contemplate, see, feel and know God as a father figure in this intimate way. My earthly parents may be enormously imperfect, and that is alright, because I can seek solace in my Heavenly Father.

My earthly parents may be enormously imperfect, and that is alright, because I can seek solace in my Heavenly Father. -Holli

Josephine: I have found a lot of healing in prayer, spiritual direction, and therapy.

Sydney: Healing takes time. Lots and lots of time. God blessed me with a very holy and loving friend who made me talk everything through. He prayed with me so that I would not have to face anything alone and that made all the difference. A lot of time with Jesus also changed my life. I needed something to hold on to and, although at times Jesus did not bring me healing, He always brought me peace.

Marie: My best friend (also Catholic) and I both have divorced parents. Having someone else who I can vent to about my experiences has been invaluable. In the secular world, divorce has become so normalized that sometimes it feels like you do not have a right to complain or acknowledge the injustice of it. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like Catholic friends with intact families cannot really relate to my situation.

What would you say to other Catholic women who are children of divorce?

Emma: Women are incredibly capable of handling anything that comes their way, and they do it with grace. Divorce has nothing on women who have experienced it. I would want them to know that I want to hear their stories and how they used their faith to overcome this challenge.

Josephine: I want them to know that it is not their fault, they are not damaged, and they are lovable just as they are.

Sydney: You are loved! God so loved the world that he gave His only Son, and that Son died for you. You alone. You are everything to Him and, no matter what you are going through, you are worth so much that you are worth death on a cross; our parents love us, but no one loves us as much as Christ.

Marie: I think it is helpful to acknowledge that divorce is a tragedy and a grave injustice to the children affected by it. The key is to acknowledge this without harboring resentment against your parents. It is important to forgive them so that you can move on.

I think it is helpful to acknowledge that divorce is a tragedy . . . [t]he key is to acknowledge this without harboring resentment against your parents. -Marie

What can other Catholics do to better support children of divorce?

Emma: I would want them to know that we want understanding, not sympathy. We want support, not pity. I think it would be beneficial for other Catholics to hear our stories and to understand what part our faith has played in our experiences. I think the support would come from actively listening to what we have to offer and sharing our stories.

[I]t would be beneficial for other Catholics to hear our stories and to understand what part our faith has played . . . [S]upport would come from actively listening to what we have to offer and sharing our stories. -Emma

Holli: Display compassion and understanding to all involved, including the acting party. When I was 13 and struggling with angsty feelings of resentment toward my mom, I opened up to my Catholic grandmother, my father’s mother, knowing she must have despised my mom. I sought commiseration. I admitted my feelings and, to my surprise, she responded with disarming compassion. She explained to me that when people are deeply unhappy, they sometimes do hurtful things, and that there is depth to a person beyond their outward actions - things we cannot know or see. There was no condemnation, or even rationalization, but rather an effort to understand.

Josephine: First of all, not write them off as un-marriageable or irrevocably damaged. There seems to be a current right now with some people in the Church of condemning all divorce as evil, and that leaves Catholic children of divorce in a really weird position. I wish other Catholics could understand that divorce is something that impacts you your whole life, but it does not make you less Catholic or worse at relationships. In fact, children of divorce might be even better prepared for relationships since they have invested so much in trying to understand them and heal themselves. Second, just listen to us.

There seems to be a current right now with some people in the Church of condemning all divorce as evil, and that leaves Catholic children of divorce in a really weird position. -Josephine

Sydney: I think kids need to know that they are loved and that they have a support system. You have to make a conscious effort to love children of divorce and they have to have time to grow in faith outside of Mass because kids do not always have that. I think if we made a time just for the youth to be in front of the Blessed Sacrament to encourage healing, it could make all the difference.

Marie: I feel like the Church does not know how to address divorced couples/families, which makes for an awkward situation because they are everywhere. Some families seem to leave the Church because they feel there is no place for them. I think we need more outreach or ministries that proclaim what the Church teaches about marriage and divorce, while also helping these families come back into full communion with the Church.

I feel like the Church does not know how to address divorced couples/families, which makes for an awkward situation because they are everywhere. Some families seem to leave the Church because they feel there is no place for them. -Marie

♦♦♦

Healing is an ongoing, lifelong process that takes various forms. While there exists no secret recipe for healing, it often includes a combination of therapy, spiritual direction, grace, prayer (both your own and from others), and the accompaniment of loved ones - the latter two are especially where you can support us, my dear brothers and sisters.

Experiencing your parents’ divorce may create fears and wounds that pose challenges for the fulfillment of our vocations, particularly for those of us called to marriage. At the same time, confronting those fears and healing from those wounds can very much make us stronger and even more faithful in living our vocations. I believe that what matters most is not so much the fears and wounds we have as children of divorce, but what we do with them and how we allow Jesus to heal us. Because He does heal us and, when He does, we become even stronger, more resilient, and more loving women than we were before.

For our fellow Catholics: if you want to take part in supporting us, this is what we need from you:

• We need to be listened to and have our stories heard.
• We need compassion for us and for our parents.
• We need you to fully understand Church teaching on divorce. That it is not a sin. That the Church is merciful. That divorce is indeed a tragedy, and also tolerated by the Church in some cases (CCC 2383 & 2386).
• We need you to understand that our faith can be strengthened through our experience and that we are not irrevocably damaged.
• We need you to stand by us through crises of faith, if and when they come. Depending on our circumstances, we may be at risk of leaving the Church.
• We need you to work with us to improve the pastoral care we offer to children of divorce because, frankly, there is not much of it right now. Or, at least, it is very difficult to access.

Thank you for listening.

If you are an adult child of divorce looking for healing, the Saint John Paul II National Shrine in Washington, D.C. offers a retreat called Recovering Origins. You can find more information here and here.

In 2020, a ministry was founded to serve adult children of divorce in the Church: Life-Giving Wounds.

*Some names have been changed for those who wished to remain anonymous.

I am a licensed attorney. However, the difficulty I overcame in achieving my degree and obtaining a job pales in comparison to the difficulty faced in a more fundamental identity of mine: mother.

This past June, I gave birth to my daughter. The pregnancy was uncomplicated, as was the birth. My daughter received a perfect bill of health. When put on paper, I marvel at how easy it sounds.

I thought being a mother would be easy because there are so many of us. “Every person who has ever existed had a mother,” I tell myself when my daughter refuses to latch on for feedings. “People much less educated than I am, and with far fewer resources, have been mothers,” I remember as I look at my list of chores and wonder how I will ever get dinner on the table. “There are women in impoverished countries who are mothers,” I wonder when I expedite a Miracle Blanket to our apartment or give infant Tylenol to my daughter, luxuries without which I could not imagine raising a child.

I thought being a mother would be easy because there are so many of us.

When people ask me what I do and I tell them I am an attorney, they are usually impressed. When I ask people what they do, and they mention they have children, I am impressed.

“What a completely irrational choice—to have children,” I mused aloud to my husband while I sat in a warm bath, recovering from delivery. “They demand everything.”

In his Letter to Women, Pope St. John Paul II describes motherhood as “a unique experience of joy and travail. This experience makes you become God's own smile upon the newborn child, the one who guides your child's first steps, who helps it to grow, and who is the anchor as the child makes its way along the journey of life.” (emphasis added)

Joy and travail. God’s own smile. Anchor.

I worked hard to earn my law degree. I labored to land an important job in an impressive office. I did not work hard to get pregnant. However, being pregnant was hard work—the most difficult thing I had ever done, in fact, until my daughter emerged and began making demands I did not understand and could not fulfill. “God gives me the strength to do what He asks of me,” I remind myself. Heroic virtue, heroic virtue—I am cultivating heroic virtue. This is my new mantra.

I am a licensed attorney. But, much more impressively, I am a mother.

I am a licensed attorney. But, much more impressively, I am a mother.

Mom, I need to tell you something: please do not let the world tell you that you are unimportant. That you should do more. That you are not enough.

I see you. I rejoice with you. I grieve with you. I stand in awe of your strength.

Mom, you walk a difficult road. Mom, thank you for saying yes.

Many, many people believe that it is impossible to support women and to submit to the Church. I am a Catholic and a feminist because I refuse to accept this false dichotomy. I refuse to submit to the narrative that says I must choose between women and the Church.

G.K. Chesterton once wrote that paradox was “truth standing on her head to get your attention.” There’s a lot of that in Catholicism - things that seem like they shouldn’t really coexist, but do - beautifully. In fact, Catholicism is often described as “both/and."

For instance, Jesus is both human and divine.

Mary is both virgin and mother.

Human beings are both body and spirit, both wretched sinners and the glory of Creation.

Our faith engages in both reason and mystery.

God is both infinite and near to us.

He is both just and merciful.

And we are called to both as well.

Both / and.

These things are all true, but they force us to do a double-take. They make us pause, and think a little deeper about what we’ve just heard. They make us question if we really do know all that we think we do about these two things that seem mutually exclusive. That’s one reason why it’s so important to me to claim the Catholic feminist label - not only because, well… I am a Catholic and a feminist, but also because it’s still a little shocking to say so, and it can (I hope) break down harmful, preconceived notions about Catholicism and feminism.

Either / Or leads to despair

It’s very tempting, however, to fall into an either/or dichotomy instead. Even when we know that our faith is about both/and, it’s hard to recognize all the ways the world asks us to choose either…or.

Case in point: American politics. The first presidential election in which I could vote was the 2016 election. Talk about disillusionment! While I had previously been sometimes frustrated with certain aspects of politics, I was now absolutely disgusted with both parties. I refused to vote for either major-party candidate - which made no practical difference, in my solidly-red state, but it was a small act of rebellion for which I congratulated myself. In fact, I just about swore off politics (which isn’t really even possible, but I gave it an admirable try). I was so fed up with the hypocrisy and, frankly, evil on both sides of the political spectrum that I renounced both of them. Going further, I renounced everything partisan and everyone with any specific agenda. But this, despite being very difficult to pull off, quickly devolved into extreme cynicism.

I realized recently that what started as righteous anger became a shield of (mostly internal) criticism and cynicism in order to distance myself from divisiveness and any partisan bias. I found fault with liberals AND conservatives. Not just in a way that was meant to bring out the truth, but in a way that was meant to build me up because I’m not them. I thought the best defense is a good offense, or something like that. But it’s not healthy or charitable at all. And it’s pretty lonely, because it essentially means rejecting just about everyone.

I'd scroll through my newsfeed and come across stories from pro-life outlets, and would cringe and scoff at how news stories are being spun to fit an agenda. When I read stories from more mainstream media, I would sit there, scanning for the ample evidence that, again, news stories are being spun to fit an agenda (albeit a quite different one).

Somewhere deep down, I really (although unconsciously) thought this was what it was to be a Catholic feminist - to be constantly at war with the world and everyone in it. To be compassionate in person - and, sure, even online. But also to harbor this simmering frustration and ready criticism for everyone and every group who didn’t live up to my Catholic feminist ideal. I could just chalk it up to perfectionism, which comes naturally to me. And maybe that’s what it is. But I think it’s deeper than that. It felt safer to reject everything than to associate myself with sinful, broken human beings who create sinful, broken communities. I didn’t want to align myself with anyone or any group that might let me down or cast me in a bad light by association.

Somewhere deep down, I really (although unconsciously) thought this was what it was to be a Catholic feminist - to be constantly at war with the world and everyone in it.

Which is so ridiculous! I am a proud Catholic and a proud feminist. So, first of all, I’m already a bit of a anomaly, and probably shouldn’t be too picky about who I’m willing to associate with and who’ll have me. But, second of all, although I have been profoundly disappointed in many Catholics and many feminists, that doesn’t mean I’m rejecting the name or those communities. And it’s worth saying that I disappoint them too. We all fall short of what it truly means to be whatever we profess.

But these are the people I have chosen to associate with. Not because they’re perfect, but because we have shared values, goals, and ideals. These are my people. And I’m going to get really cliche here, but honestly, isn’t that true of all of us? We share our lives with other people and communities because we belong, not because they’ll never disappoint us.

Jesus walked this narrow path first

I once heard someone talk about Jesus’s profound humility in claiming us as His own, in giving us His name. We talk about how it can be difficult to stand up for our faith and our relationship with Jesus. Do we ever consider the fact that Jesus has chosen to be associated with us? When we take His name as our identity, when we call ourselves “Christians”, we represent Him. And, oh, how often we fail. And we are judged, sure, but Jesus gets judged for our sins too. And yet He still chooses to be associated with us. He doesn’t reject us in order to remain untouched by the evil and sin that we perpetrate. He’s there in the thick of it.

It is so difficult to be in the world, but not of it. It’s incredibly hard to see evil, to recognize even well-intended mistakes, to feel a duty to call them out, and not to sink into a disillusioned, jaded mess whose default is to look for everything that’s wrong. That’s how we get the stereotype of the “angry feminist”. That’s how we get to be suspicious, distrustful people who are always looking for what’s wrong without ever stopping to celebrate the good. That’s how we learn to always be searching for a mistake to point out - even if only to ourselves, even if only to reassure ourselves that we’re right not to be “one of them”.

I’ve been seeing all of the “either/or's" that are offered to me, and I’ve been so frustrated with the pointless and senseless dichotomy, that I’ve consistently responded “neither”. But that leaves me empty, with nothing, raging alone at the world.

I’ve been seeing all of the “either/or”s that are offered to me, and I’ve been so frustrated with the pointless and senseless dichotomy, that I’ve consistently responded “neither”. But that leaves me empty, with nothing, raging alone at the world.

Instead, I’m going to start trying to accept both. I don’t want to turn a blind eye to the failures of any group, but I don’t want to reject all of the good in the world out of spiteful perfectionism. St. John Paul II quoting Edith Stein tells us, “Do not accept anything as the truth if it lacks love, and do not accept anything as love which lacks truth! One without the other becomes a destructive lie.”

A truly Catholic Feminism isn't about me - it's about God's will

Feminism is a matter of love and truth. It’s a matter of social justice. And yes, it is tempting to focus entirely on what is wrong with the world, how selfish and sexist we are, and that encourages bitterness and selfishness in me. Properly integrated with my faith, however, feminism is a particular perspective on injustice that isn’t just about me - it’s about other women, it’s about men, and it’s about following God’s will and loving my neighbor. It’s an act of love and service for people made in the image of God. And if I don’t see any improvement in social justice in this life, I can offer that profound disappointment and frustration - and, yes, anger - to God, because it’s no longer about me or even about making a perfect society on earth, but about doing God’s will, even when everything seems to be failing spectacularly. It’s a constant balancing act, but a necessary one.

It’s a constant balancing act, but a necessary one.

I am a Catholic and a feminist because I refuse to accept the false dichotomy that says I must choose between women and the Church. As a Catholic feminist, I ought to be well practiced in this world of both/and. I’m not, but I’m going to start trying.

Dear sisters,

Many of us have expressed our overwhelming sorrow over the recent revelations of the abuse that has been festering in our beloved Church for far too long. As much as I want to be able to express sorrow for the victims, the words catch in my throat. There are some evils so dark that words of grief seem only to diminish what has been done.

But I write to you today, sisters, not on behalf of the victims, but on my own behalf. I write to my fellow strong women with a request—one that it has taken me over a week to formulate into words. The grief in my heart cannot be articulated, but I am trying. Please be patient with me.

You see, I am a Catholic woman who experiences same-sex attraction. I’m what they call gay, queer, lesbian…I don’t mind whatever word you want to use. In most areas of my life, the struggles that come with this remain only in my heart. I never put words to them in order to spare others from discomfort, to spare myself from rejection or embarrassment, or to avoid being stereotyped or “othered” by my fellow Catholics. But, in the wake of the accusations of homosexuality being the cause of this abuse, I cannot remain silent today.

My sexual orientation does not make me any more likely to abuse anyone, child or adult. I can’t begin to describe the shame and anger that filled my heart when I read such accusations in the aftermath of the grand jury report. These accusations have permanently altered my relationship to the Church and to every Catholic that makes up the Church; the carelessness of the people who made these comments has irreparably damaged my trust in the Church.

My sexual orientation does not make me any more likely to abuse anyone, child or adult.

This brings me to my request. I know that many people reading this are not guilty of throwing around accusations, scapegoating, or the echoing of the phrase “active homosexuality” in regards to these scandals. And I know that some people reading this are guilty of it. I love all of you as my sisters in Christ, and this request is addressed to each one of you.

Help me, and others like me, to remain in the Church. Pope Francis has said, “There is no full identity without belonging to a people. No one is saved alone, as an isolated individual.” The Catholic Church is my people and my home, and I’m asking you to help me stay here, in full and glorious communion.

But what do I mean by that? How can you help me even if you have never met me?

First, Learn

Firstly, please take the time to learn about what you are discussing. Referring to abuse simply as “homosexuality” does so much damage to those of us in the Church who fall into the LGBT spectrum, and especially to young people who are already dealing with the stress of grappling with their sexuality.

Referring to abuse simply as “homosexuality” does so much damage to those of us in the Church who fall into the LGBT spectrum, and especially to young people who are already dealing with the stress of grappling with their sexuality.

I understand that this can be confusing, because a significant number of victims in this case were postpubescent. However, sexual abuse is not sex. To learn more about sexual assault and why it occurs, take a look at 1 In 6, an organization dedicated to male victims of sexual violence.

To learn more about the science of sexual orientation, check out “Homosexuality: The Use of Scientific Research in the Church’s Moral Debate” by Stanton L. Jones and Mark A. Yarhouse.

To learn more about living in the Church as an LGBT person, check out the blog posts at Eden Invitation or other blogs, like this one or this one.

Second, Speak

Secondly, please do not be afraid to speak up. In addition to the necessary reforms that we are calling for in the Church to prevent such abuse and cover-ups again, please do not be afraid to correct, in charity, those who would accuse LGBT persons of being the cause of these problems.

It’s the sad case that many LGBT Catholics cannot speak up for themselves on this issue out of fear of “outing” themselves. Therefore, I ask those of you who are not in this position to speak up for us. With love and with patience, please do not be afraid to learn and to spread this information to others in order to correct such dangerous misconceptions.

Depending on your own circumstances, you may think that this isn’t your problem, but I’m asking you to make it your problem. I’m asking as your sister for you to take the time to learn and to put yourself in my shoes for just a little while. If there’s one thing I have very quickly learned about following the Church’s teaching on this, it’s that alone I will fail. I absolutely cannot do this by myself. I need my brothers and sisters; I need my Church. In a time when so many of us feel so betrayed by so many in the Church, we especially need each other to lean on. We need to know where we can come for support, for compassion, and for unconditional acceptance.

You may think that this isn’t your problem, but I’m asking you to make it your problem. I’m asking as your sister for you to take the time to learn and to put yourself in my shoes for just a little while.

This month I am praying and fasting for the healing of our Church, and I pray as well for the healing of the divisions this crisis has brought about. I want nothing more than to stay in the Church I love, but I need you to help me. I need your prayers and I need your willingness to make the small changes that will make our Church the place of healing for every soul that she is called to be.

I’m praying for you, too.

In Christ through Mary,

Your sister.

This author would like to remain anonymous.

A few days ago, someone asked what we as women can do in the midst of the scandals. It’s a valid question. Though women are very much valued in the Catholic Church, they don’t have roles in the hierarchy. Even in calmer times, the teaching on a male-only priesthood can be difficult; in the present times, it can seem impossible to accept. But one of the reasons we cannot be priests also gives us some guidance for how to proceed: we have unique, feminine gifts that God has given us.

In 1988, Pope Saint John Paul the Second wrote Mulieris Dignitatem. One of the many striking things he said was “A woman is strong because of her awareness of this entrusting, strong because of the fact that God “entrusts the human being to her”, always and in every way, even in the situations of social discrimination in which she may find herself. This awareness and this fundamental vocation speak to women of the dignity which they receive from God himself, and this makes them “strong” and strengthens their vocation.Thus the “perfect woman” (cf. Prov 31:10) becomes an irreplaceable support and source of spiritual strength for other people, who perceive the great energies of her spirit. These “perfect women” are owed much by their families, and sometimes by whole nations.”

I believe in this crisis we are facing, women have particular gifts that make them “irreplaceable support and source[s] of spiritual strength for other people.”

Something that has given me hope through this turmoil is seeing strong, Catholic women speak out. Whether it be providing consolation or encouraging action, there are so many beautiful voices crying out for justice and healing.

Something that has given me hope through this turmoil is seeing strong, Catholic women speak out.

The following are quotes I have found particularly powerful from some of my fellow Catholic women (in no particular order).

1. Do not stop the light from shining

“Everyone in pain reaches a point where it just feels too painful to go on. But like a woman in the transition stage of labor, this point of no return is where we have to go if we wish to see new life spring forth. Our souls cannot bear the cost of avoiding the question and allowing for any muck to be papered over. I mean that quite literally. For the sake of your soul do not stop the light from shining into the crevices.”

Kirby included this message along with several others directed towards women struggling with how to move forward despite all the suffering. This beautiful piece addressed “the women who want to fix everything,” “the survivors of any type of abuse,” “those who are mothering through public pain,” “women asked to answer for the crimes of men,” and “those who just want this to end.” It is a message for all Catholic women, and it is one of hope and consolation.

2. Jesus already knew

“Jesus already knew. He carried the sin of Cardinal McCarrick in his butchered heart. He groaned the groan of a tortured seminarian as His back was laid open. His scalp split with the pressure of the thorny mass of lies, evasions, excuses, and accommodations as the decades passed and everybody knew, everybody knew what went on, everybody knew about Uncle Ted. And Christ knew about Uncle Ted. And He wept, and bled, and died, knowing.”

This Simcha Fisher quote came from a difficult-to-read blog post. As Christians with our hearts aching, we must remember that Christ also carried this with Him. He knew that McCarrick would abuse his seminarians. He knew that 300 priests in Pennsylvania would commit atrocious acts of sexual abuse, most of it directed towards minors. He knew an orphanage named after His adoptive father would kill and abuse children who had already lost so much. And yet He still offered Himself for all of these people. And because we have this perfect love -Love Himself- at the core of our Church, we can have faith we can overcome these tragedies.

3. Priests and bishops are not the Church

“Priests and bishops are not the Church. They are an essential and indispensable part of the Church, but they are only a part. Where there are scandals, we should be outraged and offended that someone defiled what is most sacred. With that holy anger, every single one of us is responsible to fight the good fight against evil, perversion and confusion. We do not have the luxury to be cowardly when the destiny of eternal souls are at stake.”

As more and more gets revealed about the mess our Church is in, I have tried to remind people about the concept of righteous anger. I think anger is a perfectly reasonable response, but what matters is how we use it. That is one of the many reasons I loved Deyra Little’s article: she explains how we can channel this anger to do good in the Church.

4. We need to fight... with fortitude

“We don’t have to put up with the evil. But we can’t run away from it. We need to fight it. We need to purge it from our Holy Place with overturned tables and whips and shouting. With fortitude. We need fortitude to stick with the Church through this time of suffering. And fortitude to do whatever it is God is calling us to do to fight the evil infecting the Church.”

This line came from the introduction of an incredible reflection written by Sara of To Jesus, Sincerely. For each Sorrowful Mystery, she provides a meditation in light of the sex abuse scandal. It’s challenging to pray through it, but it also has the potential to heal.

5. Saintly women have fought before us

“Today, as lay and clerical voices alike insist on thorough, independent investigations, justice and reform, we can find in St. Catherine’s letter to that cardinal a powerful rallying cry to leadership for ordinary Christians.  “Shame, shame, on our human pride, our self-complacency, our self-centeredness, when we see how good God has been to us, how many gifts and graces he has given us — and not because he has to but because he wants to! Obtuse as we are, we seem not to see or feel this love so hot that, if we were made of stone, it would long ago have burst us open!””

In a powerful article, Kathryn Jean Lopez shared what she believes Saint Catherine of Siena would say to our bishops. This piece takes quotes that Saint Catherine wrote and talks about how they are still relevant today. It is an excellent reminder of the cloud of witnesses we have on our side, and shows that even in the late 1300s, there were strong women fighting for the good of the Church.

6. Fathers... we need to hear from you

“Fathers, these children of your flocks are suffering. Suffering over the grievous injuries done to those other children, the ones named in the Pennsylvania report, the ones whose innocence was shattered, whose dignity was spat upon, who suffered in their very bodies the wounds of Christ tortured and crucified. We cannot sleep for weeping over these images, crying out to heaven that men ordained to act in the person of Christ at the altar could also rape, pillage, and destroy the most innocent. We need to hear from you.”

Jenny Uebbing wrote an impactful exhortation, calling for the clergy to speak out about the horrors our Church is facing. Her honest reflection on the struggles of being a faithful Catholic, the pain the lay faithful are experiencing, and her call for action (both from clergymen and the laity) is an important message that balances the hurt with some recommendations to move forward.

7. Find hope in our history

“[T]he clergy and laity should meditate on the Rite of Degradation and use it to shape updated policies. It shows that throughout the centuries, Holy Mother Church has never taken the abuse of Her children lightly. It shows us Her love for justice, it shows us Her desire for mercy, and it shows us the sacredness of the priesthood.”

Hilary describes the (now out of use) Rite of Degradation. I think it’s fascinating how she connects something from the 1800s to our current Church situation, and I really respect how she explains that a rather intense practice is actually just, merciful, and reverent.  

8. Don't settle. Don't retreat.

“We must respond and cry out for healing.  Yes, our God is merciful, but He is also a God of justice. We must commit to change - even if we're not quite sure what our role will look like yet. Don't rot in silence. Don't settle. Don't retreat. Cry out. Demand justice.”

Chloe Langr’s short yet poignant blog post draws inspiration from the Saint Catherine of Siena quote “We've had enough exhortations to be silent. Cry out with a thousand tongues. I see the world is rotten because of silence." Her honesty and strength as she encourages action despite her own struggles is a great example of actively living our Catholic faith.  

9. Jesus is not silent here

“I can assure you that Jesus is not silent in response to the devil’s temptations and lies. He meets them head on, and defeats them with the power of God’s Word stored within His heart. The demons tremble before him and flee to the pit from which they came at the power of His great Name to the glory of God our Father. He does not stand by idle, shrugging helpless hands, and He is not merely “saddened” by the vile atrocities that ravage His beloved church today. No! His heart is set ablaze with the fire of love incarnate and is encircled with a crown of thorns. It has been pierced through with a lance that every last drop of His blood might gush forth, poured out in an agony of heartache to be a cleansing flood of salvation for you and for me. He rips it from His chest and holds it before my eyes, bleeding and pulsing with love.”

I had a difficult time picking the best quote from this remarkable letter written by Alison Oertle. She starts by reminding women of their identity and looking to Mary as a role model. This lovely introduction leads to a battle cry: calling for action from clergy while sharing the sorrow of our brothers and sisters who were hurt by representatives of the Church. This letter is fierce yet loving.

10. We are one body in Christ

"We are Catholic, faithful to the Magisterium and disgusted by the abuse and cover-ups that have plagued the Roman Catholic Church in the United States. We are heartsick over the 1000+ victims of abuse in the state of Pennsylvania and all the other boys and girls, men and women who have been sexually abused by priests and further victimized by the bishops who covered up these crimes. We pray for justice for the victims and their families and communities. We believe in the Catholic Church, founded by Christ and sustained by the Eucharist. We are one body in Christ."

This is an excerpt from the statement crafted by Kendra Tierney (Catholic All Year) and Bonnie Engstrom (A Knotted Life). Dozens of faithful Catholics are participating in this #sackclothandashes initiative: they offering prayer, fasting, and other sacrifices appropriate for their state of life as acts of reparation to God. Though this concept has received some criticism, the faith of the people participating is remarkable. What is even more impressive is it took just two lay women to start this.

If you’re looking for other unified acts or are just looking for guidance for writing letters to your bishop, make sure to check out The Siena Project as well.

♦♦♦

We are facing devastating time in our Church. It’s so tempting to succumb to despair, but we cannot give in to it. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, but then use them and the gifts God has given you to demand for change in the Church.

Look to the army of saints in Heaven.

Read the powerful messages from our Catholic sisters.

And mostly importantly, continue turning to Christ.

Whether it seems like mere days or several years have since passed, the month of May and its multitude of graduations are behind us. Recent college graduates find themselves settling into new jobs, cities, graduate programs, volunteer service, mission work, or still searching for one of those opportunities. Regardless of where you find yourself, post-grad life is hardly easy.

As someone working in higher education, conversations with my seniors focus on life after graduation throughout the entire academic year. Their questions about what lies next, how they will make friends, and how they will keep their faith become increasingly urgent as May approaches.

Based on conversations with students, as well as my own experience in transitioning from full-time study to post-grad life, I present to you, the new college grad, a guide for surviving (and hopefully thriving) as you navigate this time.

Before we begin, know that I see you and I remember just how difficult this season is. I also encourage you to remember that it is a season. One day, you will wake up and realize that you have the hang of this post-grad life, which will feel less like “post-grad” life and more like - well, just life.

Tip 1: Make the effort.

Regardless of whether you attended a Catholic or secular college, you will likely face greater logistical challenges to practicing your faith than you did while in school. No longer will there be a Newman Center within walking distance of your home, or will there be a chapel in your residence hall (man, do I miss those days). Depending on your location, your parish may be far away. Your work schedule might make it difficult (or impossible) to attend daily Mass as often as you would like.

Post-grad life is a time of transition and this includes your spiritual life. Be ready for a normal period of adjustment. Do not be afraid or discouraged! You will find a new rhythm for your prayer life, though it may feel like more effort at first. In fact, having to make this extra effort (such as driving out of your way to pray in front of the tabernacle) can nourish your spiritual life and, if you let it, remind you of why the effort is so worth it for a God who loves us so much.

Post-grad life is a time of transition and this includes your spiritual life.

Practically speaking, reflect on how you can incorporate prayer into your new schedule and life. Can you pray the rosary on your commute? Is there a daily Mass that you can attend before work or during lunch? Do you drive by a Catholic church on your way to/from work and can you stop in to pray for a while? Do you finally have time for leisure reading and is there a spiritual book that catches your eye? What were the cornerstones of your prayer life in college, and how can you bring these into your new post-grad life? Whatever difficulties you face, remember to bring them to our Lord and allow him to both comfort and challenge you as you grow closer to Him.

Tip 2: Find and build community.

I cannot stress this enough. We were created for relationship and we are meant to worship in community. Your need and desire for friendship are good and worthy of pursuit. Loneliness is hard. It is also okay and normal to experience loneliness when you are new to a city and without loved ones nearby. If you find yourself in a season where you have not made friends (or good friends) yet, I see you and I know how difficult that is. Truth be told, making friends is significantly more challenging after college than it is during college.

Cultivating good friendships requires intentionality and time, there is no way around it. I encourage you to be patient and persistent in seeking true friendship. I also encourage you to pursue true friendship, not just look for hang out buddies. You are worthy of friends who work for your good, who love you even (and especially) during your low moments, who challenge you, and who pursue virtue with you. And they are worth waiting for, I promise.

Not sure where to start? See if there is an Endow Group or Blessed Is She brunch near you. Visit your diocesan or parish website to see if they organize a young adult group. Use an app like MeetUp to find others with similar interests (I found a Catholic book club on MeetUp when I first moved to my city!). Invest in a parish. As a newcomer, my pastor remembered my name the second time I said hello to him after Mass. It was something small, but it made me feel like I had a place somewhere, and that tiny sense of belonging gave me courage to reach out to potential new friends.

Finally, once you do have solid, true friends, it becomes your turn to seek out and welcome newcomers. You know from experience how daunting it can be to find friends in a new place. Remember that feeling, do something wonderful for a new person, and challenge yourself to show radical hospitality to others you meet.

Tip 3: Be ready to be different.

Depending on the college you attended, this may or may not entail a major shift for you. Perhaps especially if you attended a Catholic or Christian college, however, prepare yourself to feel quite different from the world around you as you enter our secular culture.

Others will notice that there is something different about you - and they should! There is a deep joy and peace that exude from those whose lives are grounded in Christ, even when we struggle with our faith. Your lifestyle will likely contrast with the lifestyles of those around you, even radically so. If you encounter others who do not know many (or any) Catholics, how you live and what you believe might seem quite strange to them. Having said all of this, do not be afraid of friendships with those who are different! We both need community with other Catholics to strengthen us (see tip #2) and should be able to nurture friendships with those who do not share our faith.

Horrific, atrocious, sickening, and appalling. These are words people around the nation are using to describe the recent scandal at a University: an ex-assistant football coach had sex toys sent to his University office, took pictures of his genitals in the White House, and worst of all, has outstanding domestic abuse charges disregarded by the coaching staff. The discussion is making waves throughout the country, in and outside the college football scene.

People are acknowledging the monstrosity and calling for action. Collegiate athletics do not endorse these awful actions, the individuals in the scandals are the perpetrators. So come kickoff Saturday, everybody will still be watching their favorite college teams.

Another scandal. Other sex abuses revealed. These within our very Mother Church. Archbishops and clergy with sexual abuse charges. The same words apply: horrific, atrocious, sickening, and appalling. The awful gravity of this stinks, reeks of grotesque manipulation and Satan.

Yes, the same words apply, however this situation within our very Church is different and, in the words of Law and Order SVU, “especially heinous.” Because this is the Catholic Church. Sexual abuse goes against everything that the Church proclaims and practices and these men were supposed to shepherd us and protect us from evil as best they could. And then some allowed it.

Are you enraged? Me too.

Feel betrayed? Sorrowful? Me too.

Hurting for the survivors? Me too… and much more.

Unfortunately, the tragedy does not stop with the abuse victims themselves. These horrific findings affect us all, because we are one body of Christ. And some of our brothers and sisters, maybe even you dear reader, feel that they can longer be a part of this Church because of the abuses coming to the light. How can I be a part of a Church that let this happen?

I’ll say it again.

Some of our brothers and sisters are leaving.

This too is a tragedy, and we should address it.

The Church is a human organization, like any other, run by human beings who are capable of great good and also evil. This NEVER excuses or justifies something egregiously horrible as sexual abuse. So we acknowledge, the Church is a human organization, but it's not a sports team. It is the body of Christ. When sexual abuse is covered up by people within the Church, we have been betrayed by the very institution that should be our one guaranteed safe space on this earth. Some men called to proclaim the Gospel and model it abused their power and this hurts. This pierces.

How are we responding? What are we doing about these sins and hurts within our Mother Church? How should, or even can, we respond?

Today my friend asked me, “Did they address the scandals in mass at that Church you went to?”

“Nope, they didn’t."

She responded, “they didn’t at mine either. I am incensed!” Definition of incensed: very angry, enraged.

Incensed.

Her next words: “We should be doing something! We should be talking about this.”

Yes, we should be talking. Because words are powerful. When we speak about something, put words to an event, we bring it to the light. And we need light right now to shine in this darkness. Sin wants to hide from the light. Satan wants us to sweep the evils we do or say or see under the table. This can even happen when we are in the Father’s house.

When we speak about something, put words to an event, we bring it to the light. And we need light right now to shine in this darkness.

In the Gospels, when Jesus encountered people making a mockery of His Father’s house, Jesus flipped tables. He did not waste time, to come back next week or next year to resolve it. He addressed the evil right then and there. Jesus made a whip and used it. And He didn’t flip tables for fun. People were making a mockery of His Father’s house. He was irate. He felt betrayed. Do these scandals not make a mockery of our Church today? Do they not make us feel betrayed?

So what can we do? How can we, as members of this beautiful and broken body that is the Catholic Church, flip over those tables and bring these sins to the light?

I simply have a starting point to offer: words.

Words. They have power. Words lead us to Christ or away from the Author of Life. We can manipulate them for good or for evil.

How do people come to know God? His Word. Both Incarnate and revealed in the Gospels.

Words. They captivate us, motivate us, reveal truth to us. Words are the way in which we transmit the messages of God, of His mercy and love, and the way we communicate with each other, the way we apologize and offer forgiveness.

Words. The currency for rapid news consumption. The only reason you are hearing my voice right now. Words. What are they doing for you in this moment? What words can you use to start conversations that are authentic and real and reveal God’s love and mercy in the midst of these atrocities?

Start a word revolution. Call out the evil and injustice and speak on the goodness of Mother Church amidst its brokenness. Talk about it on a local level so that we can address it in our communities and also universally as the Catholic (aka universal) Church. Speak about it so that people hear what the Church is actually about: healing and mercy and upholding the dignity of every human being. The body of Christ does not stand for cover ups or saving face. The body of Christ stands for justice, mercy, and love.

The body of Christ does not stand for cover ups or saving face. The body of Christ stands for justice, mercy, and love.

In our tech-savvy, uber connected world, sometimes it’s easy to forget about the local level. Have a conversation in person with someone about this crisis. Write a letter to your pastor or Bishop.

Speak up locally so we make sure this never happens again and that people know, to be Catholic means to fight for the truth, even when it is hard to say. To be Catholic means to be a part of a broken and beautiful family. This is not a crisis of faith but a crisis of sin, and that has been the story of human history. Nothing new, but this time the blows are severe.

This is not a crisis of faith but a crisis of sin, and that has been the story of human history.

If you feel like it is impossible to see the beauty in the midst of this ugliness, I hear you. But I promise that our God is so much bigger than this moment. The Catholic faith is so much more than a collar, a building, or the Vatican. The Catholic faith is Jesus Christ gasping for breath, dying for love of you, pierced on a cross. The Church exists to help you draw close to Him, that you may have eternal happiness with Christ. Know that and take courage.

The Church wants and needs your voice. Let’s speak up and start conversations.

So what can we do, sister? Use our words.

Ready to use your words but not sure where to start?

The Siena Project created templates for letters to clergy. Check them out here.

In my previous post, I promised a round-up of fashion retailers pursuing ethical and sustainable practices.  

I also want to share some surprising mainstream retailers that are making great progress, as well as a few of my favorite resources that I have found.  

Get ready: I’m about to toss dozens of links your way!  

Ethical fashion is about dignity at every level

So, if we’re trying to avoid fast fashion, then what exactly are we looking for?

Fast fashion earns its name not only because of quickly changing trends that create a throwaway culture, but also because the whole process is fast.  For fast fashion retailers like Forever 21, Zara, and H&M, a new garment can go from its infancy in design → production → the retail floor in mere weeks!  

In contrast, what we might call “slow fashion” or “ethical fashion” prioritizes and encourages “taking time to ensure quality production, to give value to the product, and to contemplate the connection to the environment.” Ethical fashion upholds the dignity of its workers at every level -- from the cotton picking, to the manufacture of the raw fabric, to the garment production.  

Ethical fashion upholds the dignity of its workers at every level -- from the cotton picking, to the manufacture of the raw fabric, to the garment production.  

But which companies embrace these ideals of sustainable, ethical, slow fashion?  How in the world would you know?

Luckily, there are organizations and individuals who have already done much of the work for us!  

Good On You is the App you need

My overall favorite resource is the website and app Good On You.  

They evaluate individual companies on three criteria: their stewardship toward people, toward the environment, and toward animal welfare.  For even more details on their rating system, check this out.  

Here is an example: How ethical is Adidas?  They evaluate Adidas’ progress in each of the above areas, give the company an overall score, then compare it briefly to other mainstream athletic shoe and clothing retailers.  Their opinion? Adidas is “miles ahead in terms of sustainability and labour conditions” compared to its competitors, but it still has a “long way to go before they could be considered a truly ethical brand.” At the end of the article, they give recommendations for alternate athletic apparel companies that rate higher on their scale.  

Here are a few more Good On You ratings of mainstream companies, with their overall rating in parenthesis: Levi’s (Good), Gap (It’s a Start), Forever 21 (Not Good Enough), American Eagle (Not Good Enough), Birkenstock (Good), Calvin Klein (Not Good Enough), H&M (It’s a Start).

Good On You also has some wonderful round-ups on ethical denim, wedding dresses, professional work wear, and swimwear.  

Stylewise puts realistic examples into practice

As I have learned more about ethical fashion and fair trade practices, I have returned again and again to one blog in particular.  Leah Wise describes her blog StyleWise as “a place for conscious consumers and social justice advocates from all walks of life to be encouraged and challenged in our journey together.”  I appreciate her take because she strikes a balance of unwavering compassion for the marginalized without being an extremist in the demands she places on herself, she is realistic about budgetary constraints, and she weaves her own story as a Christian feminist into her posts in a refreshing and approachable manner.  

Here is Leah’s list of criteria she uses to evaluate a company: overall sustainability, Fair Trade labor practices, dedication to environmentally sound practices, made locally or benefits local culture and economy, and messaging with the potential to lead industry change.  

I specifically love her series on ethical alternatives for various popular brands.  Check them out here: Anthropologie, Old Navy, Free People, Forever 21, ModCloth, Urban Outfitters

Made in USA isn't code for fair trade

There is one more major question I would like to address:  What about the “Made in USA” label? Can I make this all less complicated by just sticking to clothes made in the USA or Canada?  

I wish it were that simple!  Unfortunately, a garment labeled “Made in USA” might be made of cotton picked by forced laborers, even if the fabric itself is manufactured and the garment is sewn in the USA.  Many would argue that this is a step in the right direction, and I would agree.  But companies can do better!

Companies can do better.

You can check if a company has signed The Cotton Pledge and promised “to not knowingly source Uzbek cotton for the manufacturing of any of our products until the Government of Uzbekistan ends the practice of forced child and adult labor in its cotton sector.”

Before I highlight a few ethical fashion retailers I have discovered, I want to emphasize that our goal here is not perfection, but progress: progress in our shopping habits, to the extent that we can, but ultimately progress in solidarity with the poor and the oppressed.  

All of these companies are paving the way

Here's a list of fair trade companies worth exploring:

American Giant - Cotton basics (tees, hoodies, bottoms, accessories), all products made entirely in the USA, from USA-grown cotton

Ash & Rose - Online boutique committed to sustainability, fair labor, and empowering women. “It's a shop for women who love all things romantic, whimsical, pretty and practical - and care about the planet and the people who inhabit it.”

Bead And Reel - This online boutique has a really cool feature where it allows you to search by what matters most to you in ethical fashion: made in USA, artisan-made, recycled, fair trade, vegan, etc.  

Dwell & Slumber - Modern housedresses for all women, maternity/nursing-friendly!

Encircled - Check out these professional, multiway pieces perfect for building your capsule wardrobe

Fair Trade Winds - Features jewelry, clothing for men and women, bags

Henkaa - These multi-way dresses in several styles and colors are perfect for special events and weddings, made entirely in Canada

Noonday Collection - Features fair trade jewelry and other accessories

Pact Apparel - For all your cotton basics needs (underwear, activewear, loungewear)

Naja - Features lingerie, activewear, swimwear. Naja actively employs single mothers, pays above market wages with health benefits, and offers flexible work policies to balance work and family

Nisolo - Features women and men shoes; exceeds fair trade practices for wages

Patagonia - Features Outdoor and active wear

prAna - “Yoga, travel, and adventure clothes with a conscience”

Raven and Lily - Online boutique selling jewelry, bags, apparel

Rey Swimwear - Swimsuits (one piece, and tankinis w/ bottoms), skirts, dresses, tops

R.Riveter - canvas and leather handbags handmade by U.S. military spouses!)

Sseko - Sandals, handbags, jewelry

Softstar Shoes - Zero drep, flexible-sole shoes made entirely in the USA (from the leather to the final touches)

Ten Thousand Villages - jewelry, home goods, decor, bags

The Root Collective - boots and flats

And finally, I would be extremely remiss if I did not mention Catholic Relief Services’ Fair Trade Shopping Guide.  Each of these companies has been vetted by CRS to ensure their business practices not only meet international fair trade standards but also are in line with Catholic Social Teaching.  

Whew!  If you have stayed with me this long, THANK YOU!  Happy [ethical] shopping!

Have you ever had an experience where you look back and wish you could have done things differently? Perhaps it was a missed opportunity, or something you wish you had spoken up for.

I am certain we all have had an experience like that at one time or another.

In my own life, I find myself asking this question in my relationships with men, both dating and when I was married.

Growing up I did not have much experience with boys or dating. In many ways, I was very naive and insecure. I understood dating as a time where you get to know the other person and spending quality time together. Included in that would be asking questions, listening, and learning to be vulnerable and authentic.

When I was dating my former husband, I missed a lot of red flags. But particularly, there were certain questions I did not ask but I wish I had asked: questions about sexuality, addiction, and problematic sexual behaviors.

We live in a culture that is sexually broken and wounded. There are so many unhealthy, destructive attitudes about sexuality that hurt both men and women. These attitudes affect how men and women relate to each other, especially in serious relationships.

As a woman whose marriage was deeply impacted by sexual addiction and pornography, I want to encourage other women to ask men they date (or are thinking about marrying) the questions I wish I had asked before getting married.

I am convinced women today need to be brave to open up these difficult conversations with men they are in serious relationships with.

The following questions are a list I actually created with my own counselor. They include:

1. What was your first sexual experience?
2. When were you first exposed to pornography and masturbation? What is your history with these behaviors?
3. In the last year, how often have you watched pornography / times a week or month? What are your favorite kinds to watch?
4. In the last year, how often have you masturbated/ times a week or month?
5. Have you ever been to a strip club?
6. Have you ever forced a woman to do something sexually she didn’t want to do?
7. Have you ever propositioned a woman for sex / paid for a prostitute?
8. Have you ever lied about the nature of your addiction? (If it sounds like he has addictive behaviors)
9. If yes, what are you doing for recovery? What are you willing to do to be healthy?

♦♦♦

In the aftermath of my divorce and part of my healing work, I worked to create this list of questions. I promised myself I would ask these questions and discuss them with any man before I entered a serious dating relationship ever again. These questions were based on what I was not willing to put up with in what I wanted in a healthy relationship.

And I have kept that promise. I have asked these questions to the man I have recently started dating.

It was not easy. I was so anxious and scared but I knew I had to ask these questions to protect myself. I was so afraid of the answers I may hear but I knew I couldn’t allow myself to settle on this. I was not willing to be lied to or mistreated again.

I knew I had to ask these questions to protect myself. I was so afraid of the answers I may hear but I knew I couldn’t allow myself to settle on this. I was not willing to be lied to or mistreated again.

We women need to be brave and lead in asking these questions. Regardless of the fact if your life has not been affected by pornography or not, the majority of men today have been impacted by it on some level.

Knowledge is power and this knowledge for women early on can help them discern and decide if this is a healthy relationship to stay in or maybe it is best to take some time apart for healing and sobriety to happen.

It sounds silly looking back and I feel a little bit embarrassed admitting it to you now. No one told me I needed to ask these questions.

I know it sounds crazy.

For whatever reason I did not have these conversations and I wish I had.

But now I know more.

I am stronger, healthier, and more whole than at any other time in my life.

I am taking the knowledge from my own recovery and healing journey to encourage other women to ask these difficult questions. Will it be messy and probably pretty awkward? Of course it will!

But you need to know these answers if you seriously dating or thinking about marrying a man.

Is this impossible to do? No, but it may be difficult.

No matter the answers you receive upon asking these questions it gives you knowledge with which to make the best decisions for yourself moving forward.

Have you ever discussed these questions with your boyfriend, fiance, or husband?

Are there other important questions you think that also need to be discussed?

“Why do you worship Mary?”

It’s a common enough question leveled at Catholics. And while it may be tempting within Catholic circles to roll our eyes and dismiss this question as betraying a fundamental ignorance of basic Catholic - indeed, Christian - theology, I’d like to explore this question a bit more… Not least because “basic Catholic theology” is meant to be engaged with and delved into, not used as a conversation-ender.

As a cradle Catholic, this whole “do we worship Mary” thing was never explained very well to me. I knew, of course, that we didn’t worship Mary. We ask her to pray for us. Case closed, right? Except that I am naturally prone to anxiety. If there is a possibility for doubt, I will find it. So for a while I wasn’t really sure what to think about Catholic devotion to Mary. It’s all well and good to ask her to pray for us, but what about the prayers that ask Mary to actually do things for us? What about when we call Mary:

Mother of Mercy,

Gate of Heaven,

Health of the Sick,

Help of the Afflicted,

Refuge of Sinners,

Cause of our Salvation,

Mediatrix of All Graces, and

Co-Redemptrix(!)

Surely that’s going a bit too far, if not a downright blasphemy. And surely, some Protestants (and Catholics) will say, it’s unnecessary at the very least. We have everything we need in Jesus. Why “bother” with Mary?

We have everything we need in Jesus. Why “bother” with Mary?

At the same time, the beautiful Catholic interpretation of John 19:25-27 (“Behold your mother”) was too much ingrained in my heart to entirely reject Mary’s place in my devotional life. It was clear to me that Jesus wanted me to take His mother as my own… but why? And how? This post is an answer - or the start of an answer - to those questions. It is the fruit of a long while of wondering, thinking, and praying, and I hope it can be helpful to others (Catholic or non-Catholic) who aren’t quite sure of the place of Mary in our own lives.

To start, it may be helpful to employ a little reverse Christology. As Catholics we believe (and I think most, if not all, of our Protestant brethren would agree), that Jesus Christ is truly God and truly Man. Christ received his humanity from his mother, Mary. Mary is human. So right off the bat, we acknowledge and profess that Mary is not God. Since we ought to worship only God, no one should worship Mary… just to be clear.

However, it’s no secret that Catholics are, on the whole, very comfortable honoring Mary. Perhaps you’ve heard a Catholic theology teacher trot out the terms latria, hyperdulia, and dulia - dulia being the proper honor given to the saints, hyperdulia being the proper honor or veneration given to Mary, and latria being something entirely different: the adoration and worship which is due only to God. (If this is getting too technical for you, I apologize for the theology lesson, but I wanted to clarify some definitions from the start. That’s as technical as I’m going to get.)

One last point: prayer is not the same as worship. Prayer can be worship, especially when directed to God, but essentially prayer is simply asking something of someone else.

Prayer is not the same as worship. Prayer can be worship, especially when directed to God, but essentially prayer is simply asking something of someone else.

So we’ve laid some groundwork, but that’s all it is, really - groundwork. Even knowing all of this, I still wondered what/why/how exactly I should be praying to Mary.

Relationships can only happen between persons - not idols.

You can find a lot of books and writings of the saints that talk about Mary in profound and sincere ways. And these books are good, necessary, and serve a purpose… but sometimes that purpose is more of an academic or theological introduction than a personal introduction. It can easily seem as though Mary has been swallowed up in flowery language and theological symbolism. And it’s hard to have a devotion to an abstract principle.

But Mary is first and foremost a person. The greatest of the saints, sure. Queen of Heaven, sure. Immaculately conceived, yep. She is still a person. Scripture doesn’t tell us what Mary liked to do in her free time, whether she particularly liked to sing or tell stories. Whether she hated grapefruit (did they have grapefruit in 1st century Palestine?), or if she was a morning person.  What were her pet peeves? What was her sense of humor like? Was she an introvert or an extrovert? (I think we tend to imagine her as an introvert, what with the whole “meek and mild” picture, but really who knows?) What inside jokes did she share with Joseph and Jesus? What was her opinion on pockets?

But Mary is first and foremost a person.

It’s probably best that we don’t know any of this - it would make it too easy for us to put her in a box. She would become “this” or “that” kind of woman. It’s freeing, in a way, especially since we as women are often told to look to the Virgin Mary as the model of holy Catholic womanhood. We know very little about her, and so she is accessible and relatable to everyone - but only insofar as we remember she is a person, not an idea - and certainly not an impersonal automaton who robotically does the will of God because that’s how she’s been programmed.

If I seem to be hammering in the truth of Mary’s personhood, it’s only because it’s been so crucial in my own life to realize that Mary is someone with whom I am meant to have a loving relationship - and relationships can only happen between persons.

Why do we need her to pray for us?

So, finally, we get to the question of praying to Mary. Why do we need her to pray for us? To start with, and to be very clear – God doesn’t need help from any of us. God is all-powerful. That being said, in his superabundant love and wisdom, God has chosen to give us freedom - and with freedom, power. God desires our help. He desires that we use our freedom to be channels of his mercy in our relationships with others. Sometimes we do this by physically helping people, but we also do this by praying for people. If this is a bit hard to swallow, consider - why do we pray for people at all? We don’t pray for people because we have the power to make a difference – we pray for people because we know God has the power to make a difference, and we trust that our relationship with God can be fruitful in other people’s lives.

Ours would be a pretty cold and lonely religion if God did not want us to love each other. But of course he does tell us to love one another. This love requires sacrifice, compassion, and charity. In other words, we are called to help one another. Part of how we help each other is through prayer. Mary and the saints still do this in heaven. In fact, they can pray more perfectly now that they are united with God in heaven.

I don’t know how prayer works… I can’t explain it, and I don’t understand the theological intricacies. But if we ask other people to pray for us (and trust that somehow, God allows us to share His mercy with others in this way), why wouldn’t we ask the greatest of the saints to do the same?  In the second chapter of John’s Gospel, we learn that Jesus performed His first public miracle at the wedding at Cana because Mary asked Him to. She asked for a miracle on behalf of the unnamed hosts, and Jesus - even despite seeming misgivings - grants her request. I’m not arguing that Mary is wiser than God, or that Mary can “change” God’s mind. However, there is a longstanding tradition, as old as the Church, that this scene from the Gospel indicates the kind of role and relationship Mary has with a Christian and with God.

If we ask other people to pray for us... why wouldn’t we ask the greatest of the saints to do the same?

I trust my own mother to pray for me, to give me advice, to help me figure out tax forms, and so much more, because I know she wants me to grow into all that God has created me to be. Knowing that my Mother in heaven shares in God’s life and grace so intimately, it makes sense to ask her to help me too. Again, it’s not that these gifts and graces come from Mary (or anyone else but God). And yet, God has allowed all of us, and Mary in a special way, to share and participate in his love with others.

Drawing closer to her only leads us to Him

I had the privilege recently to hear Father Michael Gaitley (author of 33 Days to Morning Glory, among other books) give a talk about Mary. One thing he said in particular struck me: if Mary is the one person most closely united to her Son, drawing closer to her can only draw us closer to him. And of course, Mary, being so perfectly united to Jesus, will never lead us away from him. Why would she? Even more than she loves us, she loves Jesus and desires to accomplish his will, which is our salvation. Prayer intentions aside, why would Jesus not want us to know and learn to love his mother? She is, after all, our mother too - and her greatest wish for us is that we become saints.

I will be honest, I’m still learning to know Mary as my mother. I’m still learning to reach out to her, and to rely on her in my journey to Jesus. One thing I have been learning is that she is a mother who wants to comfort me. There are times when I feel too afraid to approach Jesus, so convicted of my own sinfulness and unworthiness that I find it hard to trust God’s loving goodness. And it’s at those times, when I reach out to Mary, that I am comforted. I know that she cares for me as only a mother can, and that she is devoted to helping me know the love of God.

Frankly, sometimes it’s easier for me to receive love from Mary than from God. But God knows that. God knows that sin has damaged our relationship, tragically damaged the way I relate to Him. He has given me His mother to teach me how to love and trust Him. I used to be afraid of relying too much on Mary, especially if it felt like I was neglecting my relationship with God in doing so. But in relying on her love, I am learning to follow her as she gently leads me to a greater love in Jesus.

In the community I grew up in, “feminist” was a dirty word. “Feminists” were egocentric, irrational, angry, and irreligious, and the last thing a woman wanted to be called was “feminist”. This is probably why it took so long for me to adopt the word to describe myself, but, long before I had a name for it, I had that fire in my heart that many a feminist has felt before me.

I firmly believe that this fire—that deep desire to end injustice, to speak for myself, to tear down the barriers that prevent others from self-fulfilment, and to create space to love and honor the dignity of human life—has been given to us by God. It’s the same fire that has ignited rebellious women for centuries, the same fire that ignited the first feminists and the women who fought for our suffrage.

After all that the women’s movement has accomplished, though, our work is nowhere near done. Feminism has grown to a become an international socio-political movement, but at its crux has always been about real women who, motivated by their personal experiences, are inspired to speak up and call for change.

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Below, eight women share their stories of why they need feminism.

I Need Feminism Because…

1. People thought I didn't belong in my field

“Because women in STEM shouldn’t be a surprise, nor should they be treated lesser or as less intelligent then men in STEM fields. Being only 1 of a handful of female chemistry or math majors in my entire time in undergrad made me realize how many people thought I did not belong there.” –Sarah

2. My boss demeaned the work I did

“I realized I needed feminism when I was leaving my first full time job after college. I worked for a religiously influenced non-profit. I had been there for a year and half. The office itself was just an insane work environment, and I was the only administrative support for a large segment of the work being done. I worked crazy hours, implemented new organizational process, was often the only person answering the phone to field the questions, managed the website, met with our PR consultant weekly, and basically taught myself the whole job. This is not to toot my own horn, just give context. When I got a new job, which I knew was going to be a much better fit for me professionally, and provide me with a LOT more professional development and career advancement opportunities, I gave my notice. The (male) who ran the office brought me in to try and talk me out of it. While acknowledging that I was smart, and doing a good job, he did not offer me any compensation enticements to stay, or offer to help with my professional development. He only said: but if you leave, who is going to book my hotel rooms?” –Victoria

3. I (and as many as 1 in 10 women) have chronic health conditions no one is researching

“Because endometriosis, PCOS and other painful female conditions are not adequately researched and treated.” – Kate

4. My spiritual mentors reduced my vocation to having babies

“I need feminism because I need to be reminded that women are useful for more than just their fertility. I’ve had various spiritual directors and mentors that have seemed to believe that a woman’s value is in motherhood, or, if not that, in the convent. They’ve believed that that’s one of the only ways I could be happy. So basically, I’m just supposed to wait around for a man which can be frustrating to hear when I’m trying to figure out my life.” --Tiffany

I need feminism because I need to be reminded that women are useful for more than just their fertility.

5. I was told I should just "smile more" during the toughest season of my life

“When my husband was deployed, I had two young children (2 years old and the other turned 1 during the deployment). I wasn’t able to go home, like many wives. I had no family support, and most of my friends had gone back to visit their families during the deployment. My mentally ill addict mother ended up moving in with me. Towards the end of the deployment, I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had been complaining about insomnia and general unrest for months to my GP. So they gave me lithium and sent me on my way. Turns out, I had Graves Disease (hyperthyroidism). Every time I went to the commissary, someone would look me in the eye and say I should smile more. I was prettier when I smiled. Every. Time. They had no idea what I was going through personally. Just that young women should smile and look pretty and not worry our little heads about big boy stuff. It made me feel like a complete and utter failure as a wife, mother, and woman.” –Kristi

6. I was constantly judged... harshly

“Because absolutely everything I do can be/has been held up as not appropriate to my vocation or damaging to other women. Everything. Women cannot be damned if they do, damned if they don’t constantly and not have serious consequences.” -- Kirby

7. I watched my mom stay in an abusive marriage

“I personally need feminism in my life because I know first hand how awful things can be without it. I grew up in a home with an always emotionally/sometimes physically abusive father. He made every decision in our household. He gaslit my mother and all of us as children. He created a world where he was the only thing any of us could count on. He told my mother and I (not my brothers) everyone was out to hurt us and that no one else would ever love us. Some of my earliest memories are him telling me that there was no such thing as unconditional love and that someday I might do something and he wouldn't love me anymore. He spent my adolescence alternating between telling me how plain, hard, and unlovable I was and making me stand in corner and hurling all sorts of accusations and foul names at me. He broke my mother down until she was virtually useless as an adult. He was manipulative and constantly made me rehearse the things I should say in court if he divorced my mother. It was a nightmare that lasted my entire childhood because my mother wasn't raised to believe she was capable or worthy so she has never been strong enough to walk away for her children much less for herself.

I personally need feminism in my life because I know first hand how awful things can be without it.

I cannot fathom the kind of destructive and miserable life I'd be leading as an adult if it hadn't been for the strong-no-bullshit example of my great grandmother who stepped away from her alcoholic husband and raised her daughter alone through the Great Depression, no less, and literary examples like Jane Eyre. Without feminism acting as a proper check for the patriarchal ego that can lead to abuse and reminds the world that women are capable and worthy, childhoods like mine and lives like my mother's are much less the exception.”—Anonymous

8. I was taught to fear my body

“I need feminism because purity culture hurt me. I cannot deny that Purity Culture heightened my already strong fears of sex. I cannot deny that things I was taught through chastity talks strengthened my fears and made me reluctant to go through the steps to overcome vaginismus. Vaginismus, if you don’t know, is like a sexual panic attack. You can’t relax enough to have sex and attempts to engage in sex are extremely painful.

I cannot deny how abandoned and judged I felt when I reached out anonymously for help. I'm disgusted by things people said to me, that I received PMs telling me I was a wimp with pain and was leading my husband to sin by not being able to have sex with him. I’m upset by the people who were afraid to give me more than their sympathy out of fear they’d give non-Church-approved advice. I’m upset that those who gave good advice were a minority voice that got attacked as heretics. Because somehow it's heresy to just relax and let the act be what it can be without getting mentally wrapped up in fear of ‘If we go too far and I can't do it, everything we've done up to that point is a sin.’

I need feminism because I was raised to believe that co-dependency was Christian charity. I was raised to look at the way of the cross as the way of the doormat. Just allow people to mistreat you. Even to the point of death. That's love. Doesn't matter how people treat you. Never stand up for yourself.”—Angela

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"Inadequate consideration for the condition of women helps to create instability in the fabric of society.

I think of the exploitation of women who are treated as objects, and of the many ways that a lack of respect is shown for their dignity; I also think —in a different context—of the mindset persisting in some cultures, where women are still firmly subordinated to the arbitrary decisions of men, with grave consequences for their personal dignity and for the exercise of their fundamental freedoms.

There can be no illusion of a secure peace until these forms of discrimination are also overcome, since they injure the personal dignity impressed by the Creator upon every human being.”

Pope Benedict XVI, 2007 World Day of Peace

Anxious thoughts bounced around my head as I tried to focus on kissing him back; after all, we only had one night in the cute, romantic, little airbnb apartment and there would be 3 snuggly kids (read sneaky ninjas who always manage to end up in our bed at some point) waiting for us when we got back. I was caught between the desire to take advantage of our mini, kid free, vacation to give my husband my undivided attention, and the nagging thought of my fertility monitor reading “high” that morning.

We have been using the Marquette method of Natural Family Planning for about 3 years now. I use a monitor to test my hormone levels each morning and my husband and I use the information gathered to inform our decisions about when to abstain from sex, depending on the needs of our family at the time. Although our “baby” is 14 months old we are still navigating the tricky time between having a baby and the return of regular cycles. Long story short, when trying to avoid pregnancy during this “postpartum period” we need to abstain on days when the monitor reads “high” or “peak.”*

He quickly caught on to my distraction and asked, “What’s wrong, Sweetheart?”

“I’m just....nervous. You know, since I got a ‘high’ today.”

He sighed, “Yeah, I know.”

“I know I keep mentioning wanting to have another baby, but when I push the baby fever aside and really think about it I just feel like there are some serious reasons to try to avoid pregnancy right now. I am still concerned about my anxiety and depression and how I would handle 4 kids 5 and under.”

Another sigh.

I could tell he was frustrated, so was I! I wanted to throw caution to the wind! I wanted to be in a place with my mental and emotional health that we wouldn’t have to worry about possibly getting pregnant.**  

I rolled over in bed, assuming that was the end of that. There goes our fun little getaway; once again NFP had rained on our parade and I was stuck feeling the downer weather person for breaking the news.

But that wasn’t that. A minute later he turned over, put his arms around me and whispered, “I want this to be a decision we make together. I want you to know that we are choosing this together, I’m not just agreeing begrudgingly; I love you and respect you and I want what’s best for us.”

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He turned over, put his arms around me and whispered, “I want this to be a decision we make together. I want you to know that we are choosing this together, I’m not just agreeing begrudgingly; I love you and respect you and I want what’s best for us.”

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt such positive confirmation of our decision to practice NFP before this exchange; it had mostly felt like a default because of our desire to be faithful to Church teaching. I have never had any doubts about him respecting me, but his words wound deep respect and selfless intimacy together in a new way for me. Although we were choosing not to enter into physical unity at that time, our shared purpose and genuine good will for one another and our family as a whole was intensely unifying. His directness and compassion eased my mind and I wasn’t left feeling like I was at fault or selfish for speaking up about my concerns and needs.

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“[Married love] is a love which is total—that very special form of personal friendship in which husband and wife generously share everything, allowing no unreasonable exceptions and not thinking solely of their own convenience. Whoever really loves his partner loves not only for what he receives, but loves that partner for the partner's own sake, content to be able to enrich the other with the gift of himself.” Humanae Vitae, paragraph 9

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If we were using birth control would we be having these kinds of conversations? My cycle and reproductive health, which are integral parts of who I am as a person, would very likely remain a mystery to my husband and could all too easily be regarded as an inconvenience that was mine to “deal with,” rather than a gift, the stewardship of which is a responsibility we share. Would I feel pressure - intentional or not - to always be available sexually because getting pregnant “wouldn't be an issue"?***

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“Mother nature has cycles: It’s not always spring and summer—there’s fall and winter. Mother church has cycles: It’s not always Christmas and Easter—there’s Advent and Lent. Women have cycles—we are not always available. To say otherwise is the lie of porn, prostitution, male domination and a mistaken understanding of the Scriptures.” Sister Helena Burns, F.S.P., How “Humanae Vitae” helped one nun find her feminist voice

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Sex should be an opportunity for unspeakable unity, but by divorcing this end from what has now been deemed just “recreational activity” between two consenting parties, our secularized world has instead created a paradigm in which the act of two-becoming-one actually drives the participants further away from each other. As each partner seeks to fulfill his or her own needs, wants, and desires, there is no room for genuine self-gift, for truly willing the good of the other and placing it before one’s own.

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“A person’s rightful due is to be treated as an object of love, not as an object for use.” Karol Wojtya, Love and Responsibility

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In these types of sexual relationships or encounters, one or both parties are treated as an object for use, rather than valued as a person worthy of love. This may be the case, even if one is not consciously and intentionally treating the other as an object for use:

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“For in the sexual context what is sometimes characterized as love may very easily be quite unjust to a person. This occurs not because sensuality and sentimentality play a special part in forming this love between persons of different sex...but rather because love in the sexual context lends itself to interpretation, sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious, along utilitarian lines.

In a sense this kind of love is wide open to such an interpretation, which turns to account the natural gravitation of its sensual and sentimental ingredients in the direction of pleasure. It is easy to go on from the experience of pleasure not merely to the quest for pleasure, but to the quest of pleasure for its own sake, to accepting it as a superlative value and the proper basis for a norm of behaviour. This is the very essence of the distortions which occur in the love between man and woman.”  - Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility

Rather than liberating and empowering women, birth control excuses a general lack of male knowledge about and appreciation for female fertility and provides men with freedom from responsibility with regards to sex and resulting pregnancies. In our culture that often hails pleasure as the highest good, birth control has served as an effective catalyst to the widespread normalization of the treatment of women as objects to be used.

Birth control excuses a general lack of male knowledge about and appreciation for female fertility.

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“Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection.” Humanae Vitae, 17

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We are all longing for genuine intimacy, to be known and loved and to love with our whole being. This desire finds its fulfillment in our relationship with God and the climactic experience of intimacy: the beatific vision. While we are still sojourners on our earthly pilgrimage, I am so very grateful for my husband’s constant dedication to knowing and loving me, in every phase of my cycle, and in every season of our life together. And I’m grateful to have a Church that provides insight and guidance, even in the bedroom, so that I may learn to love my husband and my God to the very best of my abilities.

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Notes

*This description does not do the method justice and should most definitely not be used in place of reading the official documents on the Marquette Method and consulting with a professional Marquette instructor

**Contrary to popular belief, the Church does not teach that to be good Catholic married people a couple ought to procreate with the reckless abandon of rabbits:

“With regard to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time...the exercise of responsible parenthood requires that husband and wife, keeping a right order of priorities, recognize their own duties toward God, themselves, their families and human society.” Humanae Vitae, 10

***For the record, no form of artificial birth control is 100% effective for preventing pregnancy.

***Sadly, even in marriages between Catholics who don’t use birth control there can be an expectation that a “good wife” should always be sexually available to her husband, even if there are grave reasons to legitimately avoid pregnancy using NFP. This is a dangerous distortion of Scripture and the Church’s teaching on human sexuality and stands in direct opposition to God’s plan for marriage.

When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women, issued by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, is an invaluable resource for any woman who wants to be an advocate for those in abusive marriages or who is in an abusive marriage herself. For reference, domestic violence is defined as follows:

“Domestic violence is any kind of behavior that a person uses to control an intimate partner through fear and intimidation. It includes physical, sexual, psychological, verbal, and economic abuse. Some examples of domestic abuse include battering, name-calling and insults, threats to kill or harm one's partner or children, destruction of property, marital rape, and forced sterilization or abortion.”

The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to local service providers. Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TTY). For more information, go to www.thehotline.org. Hotline Advocates are available to chat online, Monday to Friday, 9AM-7PM CST.