Search Posts
Please use discretion in reading, as this post addresses sexual abuse.
Sexual abuse can be subtle - so subtle that some women may not realize they’re victims of sexual abuse, or may think that assault in a relationship would be limited to rape.
Sadly, rape can and does happen within committed relationships. And there are resources for women in those situations. There are other forms of sexual abuse, however, and it is crucial that women are aware of them: manipulation, bullying, and subtle sexual coercion.
Verbal and Emotional Pressures
Not giving consent to sexual contact isn’t limited to an overt and obvious, “No.” If a “yes” only comes after coercion, guilt trips, or consistent coaxing and refusal to take “no” for an answer - it’s not really a “yes.” Agreeing to a sexual encounter simply to get a partner to stop applying verbal or emotional pressure isn’t true consent.
With this type of coercion, a partner may:
- tell their partner that it’s been “too long” and he has normal male needs that she must satisfy
- guilt-trip their spouse by saying that she must not love him or she must not find him attractive
- badger and exhaust a partner by asking for sex repeatedly, until the other finally gives in
- tell his spouse she’s obligated as a wife to satisfy his sexual urges when he demands it
- compare a girlfriend to past sexual partners by saying she’s “just like” his frigid ex, or by bragging about obliging women who were all over him in the past
Alarm Clock Coercion
One of the most common sexual control tactics used by an abuser is the “alarm clock” method.
A partner demands sex at certain regular times, always determined by him. For example, every three or four days an internal timer goes off and he expects sex. If the allotted time period goes by and his sexual expectations aren’t met according to his standards, he lashes out. This could mean overt violence.
Or, his tactics could be more covert. If she denies him sex for any reason, no matter how valid, she might be labeled “cold” and “insensitive.” This causes a girlfriend, wife, or partner — the victim of domestic sexual abuse — to feel guilty, and therefore to give into the abuser’s coercion.
This never makes her a co-partner in his sexual game. It makes her into a forced victim, even though she wasn’t physically forced into having sex.
Internalized Abuse
Sadly, this type of sexual bullying is all too common. Domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft offers therapy to abused women and has led workshops with many men with patterns of abuse. Bancroft writes that “a majority of [his] clients seem to believe that the woman loses her right to refuse him if the man determines that it has been ‘too long’ since they have had sex […] he watches his internal clock and expects access when the alarm goes off.”
The covert manipulations are exceptionally insidious because their subtlety allows them to fly under the victim’s radar. Aggressors often play the victim and become self-pitying or play up insecurities: “Oh, poor me, you don’t love me, you don’t find me attractive.”
They may mope, give their partner the silent treatment or a verbal onslaught of abuse, become even more critical and controlling than usual, and even eventually blow up in a rage. They may threaten to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, or accuse their hesitant partner of having an affair.
With covert abuse, women don’t realize they’re being sexually assaulted.
Counting the days until the next sexual encounter, or anticipating that a partner will “expect it” after a certain number of days have passed is not intimacy.
Mutuality is a Part of Healthy Sex
Sex without full and free consent and mutual initiation doesn’t make a wife feel wanted, loved, cherished, respected, or part of a relationship. It makes her feel like an object to be used - and that’s exactly the underlying dynamic in sexually coercive situations. As Pope Paul VI said, “a conjugal act imposed on one’s spouse without regard to his or her condition, or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love.”
Men and women both seek to love and be loved. Pressuring and bullying can never facilitate true, mutual love in a sexual encounter.
Women can certainly pressure partners for sex, as well. But statistics show that it’s more common for men to pressure women. Narratives in romance movies, novels, and porn all feed into a sexist and damaging narrative that male dominance in initiating and demanding sex is normal and healthy.
Women can feel confident that, by challenging those narratives in their relationship and by seeking help, they are contributing to a healthier and more authentically loving attitude toward sex for men and women alike.
A version of this article originally appeared on the Create Soul Space: Domestic Abuse Awareness blog.
Want to Learn More?
Take a deeper dive with our virtual courses on sex and relationships, where experts who share your values teach you the art of communicating your sexual needs and boundaries, help you identify your sexual scripts, and debunk common myths about female pleasure in Catholic culture.
.jpeg)
Renee Fuentes encountered Christ personally while she was an undergrad student at the University of Miami, where she earned her BS in Communications Studies. She later moved to Washington, D.C. to pursue her master’s in Latin American Studies from George Washington University. Renee currently works as the Communication Coordinador for Banyan Global, an international development consulting firm. She and her husband live in Arlington, Virginia.
Why did you become interested in International Relations? What does a day at work look like for you?
I might be dating myself with this answer, but I think I was 9 or 10 when I read the Girls of Many Lands series. I love historical fiction, especially when written from a female point of view. I wanted to learn about the history and culture of all of the places where the books took place, and travel there so I could see them in person. The desire to travel and love for languages got me interested in international affairs.
Now, I work for an international development firm with programs active across the world. We specialize in market-driven approaches with women’s economic empowerment at the forefront. My day usually starts on LinkedIn and Twitter, reading and sharing international development-related news. I write content for our website and work with country-based staff to develop communications strategies. I also help coordinate new business proposals to submit to the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID), where we get most of our funding.
What is one piece of advice for a young woman who’s considering a career in International Relations?
In college, I had my heart set on joining the Foreign Service, but the most important lesson I’ve learned is that living out the Christian faith means surrendering your dreams to God. I discovered that God had even better plans for me to stay in the United States, go to grad school in Washington, D.C., and marry my best friend. My advice is to stay open-minded and explore avenues within international affairs that you never thought you would. For example, even though my career is in strategic communications, in grad school I took a class on monitoring and evaluation for foreign assistance programs. I incorporate this knowledge every day in my new job. Developing technical skills and a well-rounded knowledge base is useful in international relations.
What are some of your hobbies outside of your workday?
My favorite hobby is leading women’s Bible studies. I am involved with the Walking With Purpose ministry at my parish and I love meeting women who also want to grow in their spiritual lives through Scripture. I also write regularly for The SundayMonday and I recently joined a boxing gym!
How do you find purpose in your career?
First and foremost, I try to stay in the present moment each day, where God’s grace is available to us. Inviting God into my work day helps me keep things in order. I focus on opportunities in which I can serve others, whether that’s showing a co-worker how to do something new or working with staff in Latin America to tell the story of our work’s impact.
How do you integrate your faith in your career or how do you see them relating to one another?
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on God’s design for work and rest. I try to set an example in my job of someone who has healthy boundaries, who responds to emails promptly but never late at night or on weekends, unless necessary. If a co-worker brings up faith, I’m happy to share a part of my own journey. This is definitely harder when working remotely, but I make an extra effort to get to know others on a personal level. Finally, I try every morning to thank God for my job and ask how I can serve Him during my work day. On the days when I forget to do this, I notice that little things bother me more easily, but when I remember to invite God into my work, I feel much more at peace.
What is your go-to motivational quote?
I am often motivated by 2 Corinthians 12:9, which says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.”
It's back-to-school season, and that means sex education classes are back in session. We asked our readers to share some of their experiences of sex ed on social media - and we received over 50 responses.
A lot of answers pointed to the fact that there's a serious need to rethink sex education in the United States. From Catholic schools to public schools, readers reported that the education they received about their bodies, reproductive systems, and feelings was underwhelming, to say the least.
Here are five themes that summarize their experiences, plus a message that we hope can help counteract a disappointing or harmful experience with sex ed.
1. The message received: Bodies are shameful.
Readers said that, instead of making them feel empowered with knowledge about their bodies, the changes they would undergo during puberty, or a greater understanding of their reproductive systems, too often sex ed made them feel ashamed of these changes and left them with a sense that they weren't supposed to talk about their bodies. One reader pointed out that they only learned about the anatomy that "you can see. There was no information on hormones or their fluctuations, ovulation," or the intricate systems of the body that contribute to sex drives, sexual pleasure, or getting pregnant.
2. Too many gimmicks, not enough substance.
One reader said that her high school passed out "virginity cards" that looked like fake credit cards, the messaging being, "Use it once, and you'll be ruined forever." Other readers talked about having to care for flour sack “babies” as an assignment for health class. Some teachers attached tape to students and then had other students peel it off, explaining how something used was dirty and harder to stick onto the next student.
Several readers said that there wasn't enough real discussion, just euphemisms. One reader recalled her 60-year-old health teacher telling the class with a wink, "Ladies, you can let him take you out to dinner, but you don't have to give him dessert."
Concerns like these highlighted a desire for clear, substantive information, rather than a class that often confused and shamed more than it instructed or helped.
3. The subtext: “Want the real dish? Get porn.”
Multiple readers expressed frustration with their classes for not teaching them about anatomy, female sex drive, or sexual stimulation. Many of them said that they learned about sex from internet searches, explicit books or movies, or watching porn.
One reader said that she read stories of sex in the Bible to try to understand what was going on. Another reader said that, although she learned about the sexual reproductive organs and prenatal development during pregnancy, she didn't learn what sex was until her friend was playing a game on her phone in which a condom had to collect sperm.
4. Male anatomy is privileged over female anatomy.
One reader said that, in her high school, she learned about male anatomy, but not female anatomy. Even when female anatomy was addressed, readers often reported it being discussed in a surface-level way. "I was told you'll have a period, but not anything about fertility or how periods play into your fertility cycle," wrote another reader.
A third reader said that, although they watched a video about childbirth, they weren't taught anything about female anatomy itself.
5. A hyperfocus on consequences, instead of on dignity.
Instead of teaching them how their bodies work, said one reader, they simply learned how to control them.
"The strongest takeaway was that the right thing to do was not to have sex," wrote another, "but the switch from ‘off-limits’ to ‘greatest marital gift’ overnight was the hardest switch to flip."
Readers emphasized that being told sex was only for marriage often didn't help answer the key question of a pre-pubescent student: What is sex and what does it mean? One reader said that she thought she could get pregnant if she just spooned or cuddled with a boy.
One reader pointed out that the focus on reproduction and having a baby overshadowed the unitive aspects of sex in their education and the fact that sex was supposed to be pleasurable. And no one told them that sexual desire was part of being human. "No one told us sexual feelings were natural," she wrote.
Another reader said that she was taught to be so afraid of sexual desire that she worried about "lusting" after her husband when she wanted to have sex with him.
Rethinking Sex Education
After hearing their responses, I wanted to know what message could counteract these negative themes that are all too common in sex education. So, I asked Elizabeth Antus, an assistant professor at Boston College who researches theology, spirituality, sexuality, and mental health.
She believes that sex education in public schools and Catholic schools has the ability to teach young women more about their innate dignity than it currently does. Antus said that, besides anatomical and other scientific knowledge, the most important spiritual or anthropological message that sex education should teach young women is this: "Your bodies are not gross: they're beautiful. Your capacity for pleasure is good. And you don't just exist to please somebody else."
Let’s hope, work, and pray for better sex education that sends a good and more complete message about our bodies and sexuality.
.png)
What big decisions are weighing on you right now? Maybe you're thinking about whether to start a relationship, quit a job, or move to a new living arrangement. The pandemic has turned the world upside down over the past year, and it may feel difficult to sort through how to make decisions, especially big ones. If you could sit down with a trusted counselor, she might help you realize subtle things that are leading you away from being happy and having clarity about how to make these decisions well.
Join us in the evening on Monday, September 27 for a webinar with Brya Hanan, licensed marriage and family therapist, who will help you reflect on what's keeping you from making the best decisions possible. You will walk away with clarity on what gets in the way of being happy and living your best life in adulthood. Register now to join us for free on this live webinar and Q&A!
Brya Hanan, LMFT, is a Catholic wife, mother, and Licensed Marriage and family therapist. She currently resides in AZ and holds a license in AZ, CA, WI, and MO. Brya is passionate about helping people transform their stories and become their most authentic selves. By integrating her faith into her therapeutic work, she strives to create an experience that heals the mind, body, and soul. You can learn more about her by going on her blog www.bryahananlmft.com or following her on IG @bryahananlmft
Creativity is often misunderstood. And it’s no wonder, given the romanticized aesthetic of thin wire-framed glasses, paint-covered overalls, and eyes that glimmer despite the dark circles underneath caused by a late night of working.
We’ve come to believe that certain professions are the gatekeepers of creativity. Musicians, actors, writers, and the like are deemed “creative” while professionals in other fields are labelled as “left-brain thinkers.”
But creativity isn’t reserved for self-proclaimed artists - it is for innovators, problem-solvers, and idea-generators. Creativity is a mindset more than it is a specific job function.
Creativity can be defined as the act of generating something new. Robert Weisberg argues that for something to be truly creative, it must also have value and rise to the intellectual demands of the given problem.
Traditional Tools Don’t Actually Work
Advertising executive Alex Osborn introduced the most common model of creative ideation to the world in the 1950s: “brainstorming.” However, over 50 years of research on brainstorming suggest that Osborn’s method is not more effective than coming up with ideas on your own. In fact, individuals are more likely to generate a higher number and quality of original ideas when they don’t interact with others.
Brainstorming confines the flow of creativity to an on-demand request that often pushes people to grasp onto obvious ideas in the hope of looking smart and involved. In some work environments, people are less productive in a group and tend to support the ideas of the person in charge. As a result, ideas are left behind, rather than built up.
From “Brainstorming” to “Burstiness”
Despite the limitations of brainstorming, generating ideas completely solo isn’t the answer. The lone genius, like the romanticized artist, is a myth. Teams, rather than individuals, create breakthrough innovations through a series of sparks and ideas rather than a single epiphany. The key is seeing genius and value in another person’s idea, building on it, and then revising it until it meets the goal. Psychologists call this process “burstiness.”
Leigh Thompson, a researcher for creativity in organizations, argues that individuals are better at developing a diverse set of ideas, whereas groups are better at selecting which concepts are worth investigating. “Burstiness” doesn’t happen by accident, though - it requires the right working environment, a combination of comfort, critique, closeness, and diversity. When people are free to express questions, ideas, concerns, and mistakes - without fear of punishment or humiliation - fresh concepts are introduced and carefully critiqued to produce refined ideas.
A combination of scheduled collaboration and individual conceptualization is the best way to inspire creative solutions. Researchers recommend first creating concepts as individuals, and then discussing them in a group. The “write first, talk second” method (known as “brainwriting”) produces 20% more ideas and 42% more “original” ideas than traditional brainstorming groups. Relationships between colleagues are also key: both organic relationship-building and spontaneous interactions lead to a higher volume of ideas in the workplace.
Finally, diversity - in demographics, beliefs, and personality - should be welcomed. After all, a wide range of experiences incite diverse ideas.
Cultivating a Creative Environment
Our Catholic Faith teaches us that we are uniquely made to create. This has been a part of God’s plan since the beginning. Whether it's problem-solving a business plan or painting a mural, our creative works mirror God’s creativity.
Furthermore, our Faith urges us to be relational, attentive to others, patient, and loving — all of which are essential for the atmosphere needed for ideas to thrive. Pope Francis touched on this when he wrote about a culture of encounter: “People only express themselves fully when they are not merely tolerated, but know that they are truly accepted. If we are genuinely attentive in listening to others, we will learn to look at the world with different eyes and come to appreciate the richness of human experience as manifested in different cultures and traditions.”
As we develop our own creativity, we are also challenged to listen to others and champion their ideas. Knowing that creativity is helped or hindered by our workplace environment, it’s on us to build the atmosphere needed for ideas to thrive. So let’s begin by building relationships, spending time with our colleagues, and preparing to listen to one another.
It’s no secret that there’s so much going on in the world right now: unceasing waves of the pandemic, global and domestic political strife, and new natural disasters each week. While it’s important to remain informed and participate in constructive activism, we can become emotionally drained by constantly focusing on tragedies.
Authentic self-care can include exercising, eating well, and getting enough sleep. But there’s also space for easier and more accessible forms of self-care, like kicking back on the couch with a good show or movie.
If you need to take a break and rest your heart and mind, here are a few of our recommendations:
Late Night (Amazon Prime)
It’s rare to find a film, much less a comedy, about women navigating life and career. Most comedies targeting women also tend to have a central focus on romantic relationships. Late Night was a refreshing departure from the norm. Staring Mindy Kaling as the first female hire on a late night talk show writers team, this movie had me laughing along while touching on issues of diversity at work, ageism, and female coworking relationships. It’s perfect for a chill evening by yourself, or with friends.
- Samantha Povlock, Founder, CEO, and Editor in Chief
Poms (Netflix)
Imagine if Pitch Perfect were recreated by a women’s group at a retirement community. Sounds like a potential train wreck, I know, but Poms pulls it off surprisingly well. The film follows a team of misfit old ladies as they fight the bureaucracy to fulfill their lifelong dream of starting a cheerleading squad. The ensemble cast of septegenarian women (actual senior citizens, not young actresses in stage makeup!) will have you in tears of laughter and tug at your heartstrings. The best part? Poms is based on a true story.
- Mary Grace Cebrat, Culture Section Editor
The Chosen (Free Online)
So many shows that tell stories from the Bible come off as cheesy, but a new, high production quality series is genuinely binge-worthy. The Chosen is a television drama series about the life of Jesus that touts the title of largest crowdfunded TV series or film project of all time. It portrays characters in a way viewers can relate to and aims to show Jesus through the eyes of those who met him. There are currently two seasons, with more to come, and even the first episode will give you a new perspective on Jesus’ life and teachings.
- Danielle Kuboushek, Co-Founder and Head of Events and Operations
Derry Girls (Netflix)
If you're looking for an evergreen television show to bring you consistent comfort in life's lows and highs, look no further than Derry Girls. It follows four Catholic high school friends and a misfit cousin from England living in Derry, Northern Ireland on the eve of Bill Clinton's historic visit in 1995. The dialogue is sharp as a knife and lightning quick. The cast of characters are charming, quirky, and instantly endearing. Come for the fun Irish slang, stay for the geopolitical subplots. 100% guaranteed to produce belly laughs.
- Renée Roden, Sex and Relationships Section Editor
The Great British Baking Show (Netflix)
I know, I know - I’m not the first one to recommend The Great British Baking Show. With the new season premiering on September 24, however, it’s a fitting time to express love for this charming show. Even if you aren’t into baking, the British wit, calm atmosphere, and spirit of teamwork between the contestants all make it worth watching. If you are into baking (or want to be!), the show is a great source of inspiration and knowledge to hone your skills.
- Amanda Bambury, Co-Founder and Managing Editor
I’ve had a complicated relationship with food since I was in college - and food became a source of stress for me even before then. My father lost so much weight when I was in middle school that he was featured in our local newspaper. There’s nothing like glorifying intentional weight loss to impact a young mind like mine for years to come.
Although my home life may have laid the foundation, I didn’t start restricting, obsessing, and stressing about the food I ate until I was away at college. Although I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder, there is no doubt that I suffered from disordered eating. How else can I explain the fact that I was viscerally afraid of eating bread?
I stopped formally “dieting” after graduate school, but I never thoughtfully examined my relationship with food until last year, when my book club started reading Anti-Diet. The book helped me realize that I hadn’t had a healthy relationship with food for a long time, despite giving up fads like Whole30 and Paleo that were an integral part of my college life. I’m still working on developing a healthy relationship with food, but I’m kinder to myself than I have been for a long time.
If you also hope to heal your relationship with food, here are the three books I started with:
Anti-Diet: Reclaim Your Time, Money, and Wellbeing by Christy Harrison
This was such a great book for me to start with because Harrison explains why diet culture is rooted in oppression, inequality, and racism. This book is well-researched, well-written, and will help you see how you don’t have to eat “perfectly” to be healthy.
Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight by Linda Bacon
Before I read this book, I believed that weight loss was always a positive thing. This book taught me that there are many other factors besides weight that impact our health. Linda Bacon outlines the lies we’ve been fed about obesity and weight loss in her book, and she does so using impeccable scientific support.
Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch
I list this one last because it can be overwhelming to start with due to the sheer amount of information. The authors demonstrate their expertise by blending their intuitive eating program with lots of research, plenty of anecdotes, and metaphors and analogies that clarify their concepts. This book divides intuitive eating into ten principles, so it may take you a while to go through each one and apply it in your own life (I’m still working on it!).
Practicing Gratitude for our Bodies
My discovery of a weight-inclusive, anti-diet approach to food meant that I had to deepen my understanding of Catholicism even further. Before 2020, I focused on the part of the Catechism that states, “Life and physical health are precious gifts entrusted to us by God. We must take reasonable care of them” (CCC 2288).
Now, I also think about the line right after: “If morality requires respect for the life of the body, it does not make it an absolute value. It rejects a neo-pagan notion that tends to promote the cult of the body, to sacrifice everything for its sake, to idolize physical perfection and success at sports. By its selective preference of the strong over the weak, such a conception can lead to the perversion of human relationships” (CCC 2289, emphasis added).
Yes, we need to take care of our bodies - but our culture puts too much preference on certain bodies, to the detriment of others. I hope that these three books can be a helpful start for anyone who wants to dismantle diet culture in her own life and embrace what the Church says about the goodness of our bodies.
It is 7AM, I’m already running low on coffee already, and I’m sitting in a classroom with fourteen men learning about naval aviation. My instructor is male and at some point he uses the word “guys” to refer to us as a group. He pauses, glances at me, then quickly adds, “and gals.” That is when I realize that I actually am the only woman in the room.
That’s definitely not the first time that had happened, but I still found myself slightly surprised. While women comprise less than seven percent of all Navy pilots, I generally feel like I am surrounded by quite a few women at work.
For the past two years, I have been training as a student naval aviator. I have been through numerous rigorous indoctrinations and classes in several states and aircrafts. While statistically there are more men than women in this program, I have never truly been the only woman, and I have rarely felt completely alone or out of place because of my gender. Yes, there is a lot of improvement to be made in terms of females in the military, but it is not a complete novelty.
Women and the draft
As Congress discusses expanding the Selective Service System (“the draft”) to include women, there are people with strong opinions on both sides of this proposition. The draft has been a part of American history in every major war from the Revolution to Vietnam.
Women have also been a part of military service since the founding of America. However, that does not mean that they have been in combative roles since then. The military is full of jobs that never see the front lines of war, from administrative roles to positions in the medical field. In the 1980s there was a push to expand Selective Service registration to women, but it was cited that they were not able to perform in combat. Today, all combat roles are open to women and have been since 2016.
What is happening now?
The National Commission on Military, National, and Public Service recently met to “(1) to ‘conduct a review of the military selective service process’ and (2) to ‘consider methods to increase participation in military, national, and public service to address national security and other public service needs of the Nation’” (Inspired to Serve). In its March 2020 report, the Commission concluded that it is necessary to extend Selective Service registration to include women.
Amy Rutenberg, a history professor from Iowa State University, spoke on this issue with NPR. She talked about how this is more an issue of what the Selective Service System as a whole looks like now and how it should be revised, rather than whether women should be required to register.
Rutenberg said that, “it is clearly discriminatory for an all-male registration to exclude women,” and I personally agree. Just like Rutenberg, I do not believe that there should be a debate about whether women ought to be in the Selective Service System; there really is no reason we should be excluding women in the first place. Rather, the conversation should be focused on the role of the Selective Service System today and the ways in which it needs to be revised.
The feminine gift of service
Women being included in the draft makes sense to me, and, if anything, I think more women should be encouraged to serve their country through military service. Women have unique abilities and perspectives that I believe are necessary in military service. As St. John Paul II writes in his Letter to Women, the feminine genius allows women to place themselves at the service of others. He reminds us that women “acknowledge the person.” The empathy and unique gifts that women bring are crucial to creating a well-rounded and functioning military force.
Author’s Note: While I am a member of the Uniformed Services, all of my opinions are completely my own based on personal experience. Nothing that I have said is reflective of a position held by the US Navy or Department of Defense.
I imagine that most Catholic women can think back to a time when we believed that we fell short of some ideal of a Catholic woman.
Maybe this thought solidified into a core belief when an authority figure (a parent, pastor, youth minister, teacher, or even blogger) “confirmed” that who you are is incompatible with the “divinely instituted gender norms” of male authority and female submission.
And I wonder whether narratives about what it means to be a “good Catholic woman” have made you question whether or not you belong in the Church.
Have no doubt: You belong here.
And there is not a singular, neatly defined way to be a good Catholic woman.
The idea that there is a particular standard of biblical womanhood comes in part from a popularly-held Evangelical Christian idea called complementarianism. In an article for The New Yorker, Eliza Griswold summarizes Evangelical complementarianism as, “the concept that, though men and women have equal value in God’s eyes, the Bible ascribes to them different roles at home, in their families, and in the church. The ideology promotes the notions of Biblical manhood and womanhood, conceptions of how proper Christian men and women should comport themselves, which are ostensibly based on scriptural teaching, and tend to encourage women’s submission to men.”
Although tenets of this Evangelical understanding have seeped into some conservative religious circles, the Catholic understanding of complementarity approaches the relationship between man and woman very differently.
At the heart of the Catholic understanding of complementarity is the understanding of the person as a gift. Every person is a gift from God, first, to herself or himself. The fact that you exist in this very moment means that you are a gift given by God.
Once we see ourselves in this way, we hopefully realize that we have countless opportunities to make a sincere gift of ourselves to others: our clients at work, the students we teach, and even our hairstylist or sister. Recognizing this about ourselves also comes with the responsibility to receive and respect everyone else as a gift. Gifts cannot be taken, they must be freely given and graciously received.
St. John Paul II writes that, if we look to the very beginning of our shared story, we see that “Woman is given to man so that he can understand himself, and reciprocally man is given to woman for the same end. They are to mutually affirm each other’s humanity, awed by its dual richness.” Being a gift means that a person (woman or man) can only come to truly understand herself when she is presented with another person to whom she can give herself. In God’s plan for creation, men and women share in a relationship that John Paul II refers to as “the unity of the two.” This is a relationship between two equals, different people who ought to affirm and enrich each other’s lives.
So, what does complementarity mean for us as Catholic women trying to find our place in the Church?
In every place in the Church, there ought to be mutual recognition of woman’s and man’s equal dignity, unique giftedness, and shared responsibility.
This means that we can boldly and unapologetically offer our unique perspectives in our sphere of influence, especially to the men in that sphere, trusting that we reflect God in ways that are needed for the flourishing of all.
We can affirm our brothers, calling each of them on to recognize himself as a gift, and to receive every other person as a gift.
We can advocate for women’s voices to be heard in “traditionally male” professions and spaces because we know that we have an equal share in the responsibility to do good.
We can go forward in confidence, knowing that at the core of our identity we are a gift to be affirmed, freely given, and graciously received.
When we openly recognize both the equality and difference we have with our brothers in Christ, we are free to collaborate as God intended and enrich the lives of those around us.
Consent seems like the latest buzzword in sexual ethics. We hear it on the news, in our social media feeds, and in classroom discussions.
On one hand, this is a necessary - and long-overdue - conversation. The spotlight on the topic has been widened by the #MeToo movement, sexual scandals in politics, and news about sexual abuse in churches and universities. Women are demanding that they no longer be treated like objects and are instead given the respect they deserve.
And for many women, the conversation is personal. One in five women are victims of either an attempted or completed sexual assault. Most people, if not a survivor themselves, most likely knows someone who is. The topic of consent can hit home in a deeply personal way.
Sex without consent is, at its core, an attack on a person’s human dignity. Women deserve to be treated with dignity, which requires a basic foundation of consent. Advocating for clear and enthusiastic consent in all aspects of women’s lives is a just and righteous cause. However, the conversation shouldn't stop there - women should expect more.
Consent can't be left at simply "no means no" or "yes means yes." A meaningful sexual encounter requires more than just a "yes.”
In order for sex to be nourishing for our souls, and in order to honor the inherent dignity of our human nature, sex needs more than simply an affirmative. Sex needs to be born of and seeped in authentic love - in other words, sex needs something beyond mere consent.
The Church offers guidelines for those looking for more than consent. She upholds the ultimate respect of human dignity and outlines sex as something that ought to be completely and freely given by both parties. This is an ongoing conversation of consent, even within the sacrament of marriage. Both husband and wife must freely give of themselves.
The backbone of consent is a chief tenant of Catholic social teaching: human dignity. “Respect for the human person entails respect for the rights that flow from her dignity as a creature."
Consent is just one piece of respecting each person's human dignity. Authentic love comes from a place of self-giving and never aims to take for selfish gain.
Discussing consent is necessary, but is just one step along the path towards free and authentic love and respect. Only when we remember each person's dignity and treat them accordingly will we be able to love them fully.
Want to Learn More?
Take a deeper dive with our course on communicating sexual needs and boundaries. Led by Catholic marriage and family therapist Regina Boyd, in under an hour you can learn how to identify your needs and boundaries, and how to communicate them effectively.
The recent news coverage surrounding Simone Biles’ and Naomi Osaka's exit from competition provides an opportunity to discuss the importance of mental health and mental illness.
We saw from some reactions to these athletes’ withdrawal that it is all too easy to dismiss someone’s reports of mental illness. People often underestimate the value of mental health because it goes unseen. Since it's not something visible that we can look at and see with our eyes, it's easy to imagine that someone is exaggerating or even making it up. Yet, just as physical health can impact all areas of life, mental health can be just as influential, if not more so.
Why is this the case? Well, we are integrated persons who are both body and soul. Part of God’s plan for us is to have an interior life. The Catechism says that the “unity of soul and body is so profound that one has to consider the soul to be the ‘form’ of the body: i.e., it is because of its spiritual soul that the body made of matter becomes a living, human body” (CCC 365). Since our mind and soul are essential to who we are, taking care of them is essential, too.
This means that when you set aside time to take care of and maintain mental wellness, you are doing healthy, spiritually-beneficial work. God’s plan for us is to thrive! Faith and prayer aren’t just coping mechanisms to use so we can barely get by. They are meant to help us experience the fullness of life - but this can only happen if we are physically, mentally, and spiritually whole. Thankfully, the Church offers us tools and resources to help develop our mental and spiritual wellness.
So, how can you begin to prioritize your mental health?
1. Start with self-awareness.
Learn your own signs. Pay attention to moments when you become stressed, overwhelmed, angry, or sad. If you're mentally healthy, you will find it easier to bounce back after a stressful situation, and optimism will come naturally. If you find it difficult to be resilient while under stress, that’s a cue to move onto the next step.
2. Notice what category of life that stressor falls into.
Consider those things that make up so much of what we do, like our work, relationships, and responsibilities. When someone is in a state of mental wellness, these things are more often than not a source of peace, happiness, warmth, and positivity in life. In contrast, people who experience symptoms of mental illness (which can be anything from anxiety to depression to bipolar disorder) may find that these things have become a source of stress and negativity.
3. Evaluate your life in that area and prioritize.
Plan ways to incorporate more self-care into that part of your life when you notice that you are feeling overwhelmed. For example, take advantage of your 15 minute breaks at work rather than working through them. Or, take a true lunch break instead of eating at your desk. Even when we have limited time and many good things present themselves or demand our attention, prioritizing helps us to stay focused and resilient in the midst of those demands. Even good things can become bad things when they harm our physical or mental health.
4. Get help.
Go to therapy. Get life coaching. Talk with someone you trust who is wise. A third party can help you recognize your personal warning signs, create a plan, and set goals.
The more you develop these skills, the easier it will be to honor yourself when the time comes - even if that time is as inconvenient and difficult as the Olympics or the French Open. You can rest assured that you are taking care of your health.
Celebrated annually on the first Monday of September in the United States and Canada, Labor Day is known to many employees as the end of a 3-day weekend or the symbolic end of the summer. While it is a nice transition into fall, the day has more significance than we may realize. The first Labor Day was celebrated in 1882, but it was not until June 28, 1894 that Congress passed a law to make the first Monday in September a legal holiday.
Before the creation of this federal holiday, enraged workers and activists led a labor movement in the 1880s to protest harsh working conditions and low wages. At the peak of the Industrial Revolution, “the average American worked 12-hour days and seven-day weeks” and “children as young as 5 or 6 toiled in mills, factories and mines across the country” in difficult and often underpaid working conditions.
There Is a history of Catholicism intertwined with the Labor Day movement, which continued to garner support from Catholics such as Dorothy Day, even after Labor Day became a federal holiday.
A Catholic convert, Day was an American writer and activist who converted from atheism to Catholicism at the age of 30. She co-founded a newspaper and the Catholic Worker Movement in 1933 to provide centers of hospitality in rural areas across the country and to advocate for worker’s rights, especially those of the working poor. Dorothy saw the organization of workers as a means to reduce economic inequality. She actively supported labor strikers, providing meals for workers going on strike. For those who wanted to support the movement, she shared information on upcoming strikes as well.
In support of labor unions, human rights, cooperatives, and pacifist culture, many of those active in Dorothy’s Catholic Worker movement have continued to protest against racism, unfair labor practices, social injustice and war, even to the point of being jailed. The Catholic Worker Movement has continued since Dorothy Day’s death in 1980.
In 2012, the United States Conference of Catholics Bishops endorsed Day’s cause for sainthood, which is currently under review by the Vatican. Dorothy’s life was characterized by her service to the poor, advocacy for peace and justice, and her faithfulness to Scripture. She selflessly fought for causes that she did not necessarily suffer from, spoke for the voiceless, and advocated for their rights.
As women witnessing the countless challenges of this world, what words of wisdom might Dorothy have for us? If before us today, I believe Dorothy would repeat her words, “You can spend your own time agonizing or organizing.” We can see the sadness in the world and be saddened by it, or we can let it ignite a fire within us and be ready to face it head-on. We can see our neighbors suffer and ignore them, or we can make an effort to improve their quality of life.
Next week, as you rest from work on Labor Day, here are ways you can honor the holiday’s history and Dorothy Day’s legacy:
- Learn more about labor unions from a Catholic lens
- Shop or support a small business (Here is a list of the top small and medium companies in 2021, as ranked by their employees.)
- Visit a local farm
- Spread the word. Send this article to a friend!