A few weeks ago, I read about a recent study done in the UK that found that “the number of people seeking professional help for porn addiction has tripled since the start of the pandemic,” with a rise from what was 25% to now 38% of women seeking professional help for porn addiction. It’s not hard to imagine that the presence of porn addictions and pornography use has become more pervasive since the pandemic and lockdown. Society has changed; people have become more isolated than before. It’s becoming harder and harder to make connections, sometimes even within your own home. But if porn use and addiction are as common as this study suggests, then why aren’t we talking about it?

We need a conversation that gets to the heart of the issue of porn addiction: why it happens, how it affects a person and the people they love, and how to get help. A national survey report released by The Wheatley Institution at Brigham Young University and the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture found that 1 in 4 men hide porn use, with 1 in 5 men stating they felt they could not stop using, and 1 in 3 women worrying about talking about it with their spouse and how it impacts intimacy. So, why not talk about it?

I was curious enough to pose these questions and more to Regina Boyd, a Catholic couples therapist.

How to Talk to Your Spouse About Porn

Victoria Velasquez-Feikles: So, the topic that we're talking about today is porn: how it affects the user, how it affects relationships, and if there’s a way out. To start, if someone discovers that his or her spouse or partner is watching pornography, how do you begin a conversation with them?

Regina Boyd: First, I want you to make sure that you're taking that time to reflect before you have that conversation. Think about how it impacts you because I think for each person it can be a little bit different. You really want to take that time to reflect and get in touch with that part of you and once you are there, you tend to be able to be as respectful as possible. I know it's not an easy conversation, but if we can focus on our own experience first, what we’re feeling, that is a way to help the conversation. Sometimes that initial reaction might be, while you're doing that self-reflection, “Does he still find me attractive?” or “Maybe there is something that I am lacking.” It turns the focus to yourself. We want to make sure that we're in a place to have a conversation.

VV: There are likely feelings of shame or worthlessness that spark defensiveness on the side of the spouse who is addicted – but on the other hand, the other spouse likely feels inadequate and hurt. How do you strike a balance so that you can have a vulnerable conversation where both sides are heard and understood?

RB: I think there's a balance there, right? This conversation might bring up some negative emotions and experiences where having their spouse share their experiences of pornography use is going to be very uncomfortable, and that's normal. It’s also important to be willing to hear what he or she has to say as well, receiving what he or she has to say. I think if we can, again, reflect and be in a place where you can communicate your honest feelings and experience you will be able to approach this in a team-oriented fashion to convey some type of message of “I still love you, but we have to seek a better way to handle this,” and to communicate, “I'm here for you, I want to support you but I'm uncomfortable.”

The Support of Accountability for Someone Struggling With Porn

VV: There are lots of online resources for Catholic men who struggle with porn addictions, though not as many for women. Some that immediately come to mind are Covenant Eyes and the Victory App, both of which introduce “transformative accountability” by connecting you with others, usually friends, who help “keep you accountable” without the confrontation of hurting the person who is holding you accountable (e.g., like a spouse). Do you think having an accountability partner is helpful? What about  accountability partners outside the marriage or relationship?

RB: I do think it's helpful to have an accountability partner. The important thing in an accountability partner would be to find someone who will see things objectively. You can even be your spouse’s accountability partner if you can be as objective as possible. The tricky part with this within a marriage is that it is hard sometimes for that other spouse to be objective and provide emotional guidance and coaching and encouragement. It can cause your marriage to become a place of stress and tension, especially if you are experiencing feelings of betrayal or infidelity or have previous traumatic experiences dealing with these things. It could cause you to be in the policing mode and lead to another argument, creating another opportunity for you to feel hurt and betrayed again.

I think that is a bit of a gray area because certainly any conversations about progress are going to be important: checking in, asking “What progress are we making?” and being as honest with one another as possible during the healing and recovery process. If you determine you can’t provide that objective support, I do think it is helpful to have somebody of the same sex, who has past experience dealing with similar struggles with this addiction but who's a little bit further along the healing process, to offer advice in those moments. I think it really depends on the severity of the addiction that the other spouse experiences.

Eventually, emotionally being this support for your spouse can be a problem depending on the dynamic between you both. We have to be mindful that this is a situation that could cause further trauma for the spouse who is not addicted. Keep in mind your reaction. A spouse isn’t in a place to be that support where they're noticing some impact mentally and emotionally from learning about their partner's use. What you really need to be careful about is this: Is it going to be helpful and productive for you to be the person your spouse contacts if there is a trip up, if we're not meeting those goals as we originally intended, etc.? Understanding that there's work to do, right? That it's a journey, a process. Certainly, though, I think you should be having conversations about it.

How Porn Affects Intimacy in Marriage

VV: It seems relatively common and at times expected that porn addictions affect what goes on in the bedroom. This could be arousal disorders or ED, but what appears to be most damaging is porn’s effects on intimacy in marriage. At times, there are expectations in the bedroom as a result of kinks acquired from frequent porn use, and that often translates to not feeling like their needs are being met when their spouse has certain boundaries. You might see this more for those couples who strove to abstain before marriage with one spouse having an addiction – marriage might mean that “anything goes.” What do you recommend for a spouse who wants to meet their spouse’s needs without feeling like certain boundaries are violated if they don’t “give in”? How do you work towards mutual respect and empowerment in this scenario?

RB: I think it's important to think about how each of you defines the word sex. What does sex mean to you? I think starting at those levels of conversations and really, again, being completely honest. Speaking about what's really happening in the relationship, saying something like, “We need to make sure that, as a couple, our emotional bond is strong and that sex is not just a way to act out your porn use.” But also having that genuine conversation about “this move” or something that “really helps me to get in the mood.” Certainly you don’t want to reenact scenes that your spouse has watched. If you feel that way, be honest: “Whis helps me because I think that you might not want me unless I'm engaging in some type of performance for you.” And, you know, “this is going to help me feel worse.”

Individually, I think there needs to be some reflection on both sides about what's behind those desires and clearly communicate boundaries. That's when you will be able to view the sexual relationship from both sides and hopefully come to a place where you can communicate openly about your feelings and desires. That's going to be what helps you and your husband feel more satisfied in your sexual relationship. If it’s only about what will make your husband/spouse feel more “satisfied” or whatever it might be, particularly if it's something that makes you uncomfortable, I think that is a situation where it's going to be more traumatic and more hurtful for you. It’ll be important unpacking why that is important for him or her and what it is about those actions or behaviors that he or she holds onto that makes you uncomfortable. It’s important to be speaking about it and for you both to have conversations. 

VV: There are periods within any relationship where the amount of time spent on sexual intimacy ebbs and flows, or temporarily dries out (e.g., postpartum, during an illness, etc.). For an addicted spouse, lack of intimacy often leads them to resort to porn during these vulnerable situations, creating an environment where the other spouse anticipates or actually catches them watching porn. This then often leads the other spouse who is not addicted to close up and not want to be intimate due to their hurt. What would be the first steps to navigating that situation, especially if it’s a cycle?

RB: Well, it is normal and natural to have periods where you are not sexually active throughout your marriage, but it is important to still try and find ways to share some kind of intimacy. When it comes to not wanting to be intimate due to the other’s porn use, like I mentioned before, I would say to be honest. Have the conversation: “I feel that if I don't perform a particular way for you,” or “Here are some things that I need to feel loved by you.”

I'm sure that those things might make you feel uncomfortable to talk about at first. It can be really challenging to walk that line of being supportive and encouraging but also feeling hurt and feeling like maybe, perhaps, you should say something. But honesty is always going to be better for your relationship because you’re working to stay together. It’s creating a bond between the two of you. I would just encourage you to always bring this to each other when you're in that space and feel it is safe to do so. 

Is Porn Use “Natural”?

VV: There is a lot of information out there that addicted men might use to “defend” their use of pornography. Some feel that the resources the Catholic Church has available results in coddling because they speak of porn addictions as if they’re not intentional enough to be grave. How do you recommend confronting these ideas? Do you think the notion that “men are just wired differently” leads to a delay in seeking therapeutic help for those who are addicted?

RB: I don’t think that that is a good compliment to men. It gives the impression that they are incapable of controlling themselves, but you know, we are all human and we each have our struggles, and it's a part of being an adult, an adult man even, to be aware of your shortcomings and work on them. Take the space to really think: What are your shortcomings? Do you have emotional shortcomings? Think of what might lead you down a path towards falling short in one way or another. We all have our responsibilities. If you are looking to help your husband through this, you might be the one who has to just take time to talk about it.

VV: Porn is often seen as a coping mechanism that masks deeper issues, and even sometimes as a form of emotional regulation. This is not a very popular approach in Catholic circles, as it’s not really spoken about. Could you talk about the relationship between emotional regulation and how using porn can be a form of coping with that?

RB: We each have ways we learn to cope that aren’t always productive. Binging TV shows, scrolling endlessly on social media, etc. Boredom, stress, negative interactions, shame,  anxiety – they can become triggers that can lead someone to use porn. Porn is seen as a way of relieving these negative emotions. Certain situations can also be triggering, like anything from dealing with a divorce to dealing with a family member who has died. Some people default to porn use in the way others default to mindlessly scrolling.

For porn addicts, there is a choice to use pornography and that’s for many reasons: the stimulation feels good, it floods the brain with pleasure, and it becomes a way to avoid this sense of pain they’re experiencing. But then, when we avoid pain, it makes any experience of pain feel even more painful, it becomes even more difficult to not avoid it and default to using porn. And so it becomes really important to make sure that we give ourselves a space to speak about our emotions and negative feelings. We are designed as emotional beings, we each experience emotions and so we need to allow ourselves to feel them and learn how to cope with difficult situations. 

VV: One of the marriage vows is “in sickness and in health.” Addiction is an unfortunate disease that is often hereditary. When is it okay to walk away?

RB: It depends. I think that it’s going to be based on where a couple is at but, absolutely it depends. It depends on the severity: there are more occasional pornography users, and then there are people where this is a full-blown sexual addiction of pornography.

If you think about it from a place of using porn as a means of regulating your emotions and managing stress or, in a different way, to avoid dealing with family or whatever it is – there is hope. Again we are emotional beings, emotions are not bad in and of themselves. If we can learn how to manage our emotions, if we can use what is natural for us, the more we can help heal the addiction. The more we can help someone who is addicted to porn, the less they’re going to feel that they have to go to porn. You can work on communicating, checking in, and supporting one another even if it’s through couples counseling. If you decide to go to therapy together, I would make sure that you go preferably with a therapist who seeks to preserve the relationship.

Hope and Help for Someone Affected by Porn

VV: You’ve shared so much wisdom already, but what would you want the big takeaway to be from all of this?

RB: If you are struggling with pornography or married to someone who is struggling, I want you to know there is hope and help for you if you're in this challenging situation. You are not alone.

VV: Finally, as a therapist, do you have any recommendations off the top of your head for someone who wants to look for help and resources? Where should they start?

RB: For women struggling with porn I would recommend looking into Magdala Ministries. They do really good work there. Another online resource would be Integrity Restored. They offer extremely helpful online coaching programs.

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Regina Boyd is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who specializes working with married couples in her private practice. In addition to the counseling services she provides, she also offers online coaching programs. Regina is a practicing Catholic wife and mother and you can learn more about the great work she does by going on her website (reginaboyd.com) or looking up her instagram @boydcounselingservices.